Dear Full Tilt,
As a loyal customer for the past four years, I want to thank you for providing a great service with software that does not make me want to stab myself in the face (I cannot say the same for PokerStars). I am writing to you today with the simple request that you direct the Full Tilt Doomswitch Satellite (FTDS for short) away from my house. I know the standard policy is to deny all existence of this satellite, but if it doesn’t exist, then how come I have a picture of it?
I know you’re thinking, “That could be any satellite. The picture doesn’t prove anything.” However, you and I both know that this is not just a random satellite that I took off the first page of Google Images. Circled in red is undeniable proof that this satellite is, in fact, the Full Tilt Doomswitch Satellite. For your convenience, I have taken the liberty of enhancing the photograph for a closer view of the circled image:
Working the controls from the FTDS Satellite window, it’s none other than Howard Lederer himself. Now, I’m a reasonable man. I understand that it’s bad for business if word of this satellite gets out, so all I’m asking is that you advise me as to the best way of diverting the doomswitch away from myself and on to my opponents? I have constructed a few tinfoil hate prototypes which I feel may be helpful in diverting the run-bad, but I am not sure which will work best. Please let me know whether the most effective design would be a rounded top (no, that is not a picture of the sun wearing tinfoil; it’s actually a guy), or a pointy top:
I feel that the pointy top would be more likely to attract the FTDS signals rather than deflect them, but I am not a scientist so I would greatly appreciate your input on this issue. Additionally, does it matter which brand of tinfoil I use? I currently have Shop Rite brand “Foil Wrap” in my cupboard but I would be more than happy to purchase a more expensive brand if necessary.
It is getting to a point where I feel prolonged exposure might cause a cancerous tumor to develop on the part of my brain which allows me to calmly accept the continued raping of my bankroll by your RNG. As you can see, the doom ray has focused exceptionally strong on me this week during my super turbo sessions ($20.90 and $36.50 buy-ins):
Then again, I’ve been getting abused ever since I moved up to the $36s a few months ago:
I know you’re thinking, “Hey Rob, we doomswitch thousands of players per year. Why should we turn off your run-bad?” Well…aside from the fact that I have undeniable proof of Full Tilt’s satellite (as shown above), I have reason to believe that there is a problem with your switch and that it has been stuck on me since June of 2009. Here is a graph of my sit and go’s since January 1st of last year with the Y-Axis displayed in buy-ins:
Here it is with the X-Axis displayed in dollars:
Please hear my plea Full Tilt. Turn off the doomswitch! Don't make me expose the satellite photos! Thank you for your time and I look forward to running better in the future.
Sincerely,
UConnRounder
What are the odds I get a response that isn't a 100% copy/paste definition of variance?