Dear Full Tilt,

As a loyal customer for the past four years, I want to thank you for providing a great service with software that does not make me want to stab myself in the face (I cannot say the same for PokerStars). I am writing to you today with the simple request that you direct the Full Tilt Doomswitch Satellite (FTDS for short) away from my house. I know the standard policy is to deny all existence of this satellite, but if it doesn’t exist, then how come I have a picture of it?




I know you’re thinking, “That could be any satellite. The picture doesn’t prove anything.” However, you and I both know that this is not just a random satellite that I took off the first page of Google Images. Circled in red is undeniable proof that this satellite is, in fact, the Full Tilt Doomswitch Satellite. For your convenience, I have taken the liberty of enhancing the photograph for a closer view of the circled image:




Working the controls from the FTDS Satellite window, it’s none other than Howard Lederer himself. Now, I’m a reasonable man. I understand that it’s bad for business if word of this satellite gets out, so all I’m asking is that you advise me as to the best way of diverting the doomswitch away from myself and on to my opponents? I have constructed a few tinfoil hate prototypes which I feel may be helpful in diverting the run-bad, but I am not sure which will work best. Please let me know whether the most effective design would be a rounded top (no, that is not a picture of the sun wearing tinfoil; it’s actually a guy), or a pointy top:




I feel that the pointy top would be more likely to attract the FTDS signals rather than deflect them, but I am not a scientist so I would greatly appreciate your input on this issue. Additionally, does it matter which brand of tinfoil I use? I currently have Shop Rite brand “Foil Wrap” in my cupboard but I would be more than happy to purchase a more expensive brand if necessary.

It is getting to a point where I feel prolonged exposure might cause a cancerous tumor to develop on the part of my brain which allows me to calmly accept the continued raping of my bankroll by your RNG. As you can see, the doom ray has focused exceptionally strong on me this week during my super turbo sessions ($20.90 and $36.50 buy-ins):




Then again, I’ve been getting abused ever since I moved up to the $36s a few months ago:




I know you’re thinking, “Hey Rob, we doomswitch thousands of players per year. Why should we turn off your run-bad?” Well…aside from the fact that I have undeniable proof of Full Tilt’s satellite (as shown above), I have reason to believe that there is a problem with your switch and that it has been stuck on me since June of 2009. Here is a graph of my sit and go’s since January 1st of last year with the Y-Axis displayed in buy-ins:





Here it is with the X-Axis displayed in dollars:






Please hear my plea Full Tilt. Turn off the doomswitch! Don't make me expose the satellite photos! Thank you for your time and I look forward to running better in the future.


Sincerely,

UConnRounder




What are the odds I get a response that isn't a 100% copy/paste definition of variance?

Lol, I actually liked this by the end. Ive played 20k sngs on FT and my greenline hasnt touched my red over 5k games and hasnt been above it in 10k. Im only like 125 BIs under AIEV. I thought I ran bad but you must be the unluckiest **** on the site.

Why dont you give it another 50k games, im sure it will even out.

Epic Haha Youl probably get a funny reply from full tilt but knowing their support service might take another 50k sng before they reply

Original..

knew it

You are uconnrounder huh superturbos are a helluvadrug

ya these r dead

Sick brag about crushing those SNGs, damn. Maybe I should play more SNGs...

This is just a hidden brag, your are a sick puppy sir if this even out.
Therefore deffo send this. !

Well...the good news is that FTP responded within 5 hours of my email. Their customer support is clearly improving. As I expected, there was not a single original word in their response. It was 100% copy paste like I anticipated...so I suggested they give me a bonus for the difference between my green and red lines. We'll see it forces someone to actually put effort into saying "no" or if they even have a copy/paste for that.

[x] pokerstarsdealer.jpg in a full tilt thread
[x] PS send funny replies to clever emails
[ ] FTP send funny replies to clever emails

You wrote a nice email, but that was your mistake

LOLz nice letter.

response could be epic.

Did you transfer .03 cents to SN "Phil Ivey" avatar "black man"... that could also deactivate switch.

racist ban?

haha... very funny, and original

maybe u should just play better

Wouldnt you have to run over EV for the two to even begin to even out?

I tinfoil hate this thread

As the copy/paste reply email that FTP sent me was insufficient and seemed to answer the questions of "is full tilt rigged?" and "what is variance" (both of which I never asked), I sent them a follow up:

"Thank you for your response. one issue that was not addressed in your reply regards the tinfoil hats...is a rounded tinfoil hat more or less effective than a pointy one? The gentleman in the rounded hat from my original email seems significantly happier than the man in the pointy hat. I can only assume that it's because he runs better. Also, is Shop Rite brand "Foil Wrap" okay or should I purchase more expensive foil?

Eagerly anticipating your response,

UConnRounder"


Their response was surprisingly well thought out and had a touch of humor!

"Hello Robert,


Thanks for your email.

The beauty of online poker is that you can wear whatever you like while playing, why stop at a foil hat? Did you ever consider a foil wrap body suit to be extra safe. To be honest, I don't really see any advantage in using branded foil wrap, so I would stick to the 'Shop Rite' foil, especially in the middle of a downswing.

Robert, your records on Full Tilt show you have what it takes to be a successful player, be confident that if you continue to play well, the statistics will take care of themselves and you will come out this downswing a better player.

Thank you for playing at Full Tilt Poker. If there's anything else we can do for you, please let us know.


Regards,

Niall
Poker Specialist
Full Tilt Poker Support"

Lol I thought only stars guys had clever responses.

Isnt it an invasion of privacy to check your stats. What a creep. Do you think he used SS or do they have some kind of internal stat thing?

If you called them out on it they would just say they used PTR or something.

Solid post, laughed when GOB appeared at the end.

They can tell based on how much u deposited/withdrew into the site

Awesome email, well done OP

Unless OP included this:



in his original email...

Deffinaly made my day haha...Thanks