was talkin to a friend who was tellin me about various people who were pissing him off during a live poker session @ commerce, so i got to thinking about the people i've run into in my poker life that have irritated the **** out of me, and decided to compile a list of the truly hopeless douches who make up the live poker world. if any of these apply to you, you suck.

1. As Seen on TV
no, it was not funny when jamie gold asked wasicka if he had balls, it was not funny when matusow announced the kiddy game's down the street, it was definitely not funny when hellmuth said he could dodge bullets. it's about 20x less funny when any of you *******s do it

2. I Deserve to Win EVERY Hand I Play
one time i was at cache creek and this guy went aipf with 66 for about $300 and was up against AKcc. the flop came QJ4 with 2 clubs, turn was a Q, and wouldn't you know it, he rivered an A. guy with the 7s was incensed. "how does this mother****er luck out there? UN-****ING-BELIEVABLE! NICE ****ING CATCH!" he then threw the chips across the table and took a break from the table, screaming the whole way.

3. LOL! Sorry, I Put You on Ace King
**** you

4. I Was Almost a Somebody...
the last time i went to garden city, 3 people at the table were talking about how they all played a satellite at garden city to a $2500 NL event, and how they were all busted in the final table, and the whole table was so sympathetic to how they ALMOST satellited into a prelim event that they had to pay their way to get to (airfare, hotel), and how huge and awesome it would have been if they had won the satellite, and how there's always next year. k. i successfully satellited into the main event. get in line and fellate me.

5. War Heroes
along the lines of #4. this guy will not stop talking about the time they got bad beat when they lost to a flush draw when they went all in, or that one time when they got quads. usually these are old people, so i'm sorta sympathetic (cuz seriously, who gives a **** about old people anyway), but if you're under the age of 70, this is completely out of line.

6. Antonio Esfandiari
this is never acceptable

7. Just to Prove to You I'm Literate...
every other word out of this chode's mouth is about how they made the right play or you made the wrong play according to supersystem or some other book.

8. Substitute Teachers
for some reason they feel the need to teach you but clearly don't know the material. like when a gym teacher is expected to teach AP calculus for a day. "you're supposed to let everyone in the hand if you have AK. you want the action! but if you have aces, you need to overbet the pot preflop so nobody gets in"

9. Floormen
when the smallest infraction occurs, the floorman is called. all other 8 people will try to stop him from doing this so the game can keep going, but he will insist on bringing the game to a halt so a guy who put in $4 instead of $3 is made clear that he bet $4 and not $3

it's late and i'm tired, who am i forgetting?

Eli elezra?

Tony ****king G obv

#10: old guys who think internet poker is rigged because theyre horrible at it

Sounds like you got most of 'em. There's an extreme version of category #5 type at The Bike. I think his name is Hollywood Tony or some ****? But he's the one who had aces against Chris Ferguson a couple years ago at the televised table early on in the WSOP ME, when Jesus flopped top pair with kq, they got it all in, and Ferguson turned or rivered a set to bust his aces. I played a 1 table satellite with him once, and I heard the story at least 3 times. My buddy played with him the satellite before that; same thing at his table. So annoying... And ironically enough, he busted me the same way.

Old guys who like to teach us young pups a lesson...

...by slowrolling. Oh look, how clever am I to get AA vs your QQ AIPF in a 30bb tourney situation. I PLAY GOOD!!

Oh look, how clever am I to cooler you in a monster 800BB pot with nuts over second nuts. I'LL SLOWROLL FOR DRAMATIC EFFECT BECAUSE YOU WERE STUPID ENOUGH TO THINK YOU COULD BEAT MY AGED LUCKBOX!!!!

im pretty sure anyone over the age of 25 who actively tries to engage in conversation at the poker table are inevitably going to come off as douches, and this comes with very rare exceptions

enjoyed this a ton, nice

What about the guy who caps his cards and waits until the action is on him to look at them?

Why was the guys with 7s incensed? It looks like he folded preflop?

The guy who rocks an ipod, shades, and baseball cap at 1/2NL. No, you are not Phil ****ing Hellmuth.

related to 7 and 8, the guy who after every big hand in which he loses (in the worst cases just every single hand no matter what), goes through every option that every player involved in the hand had and explains how they would have changed the outcome of the hand. tries to incite a strategy discussion about the hand in hopes that everyone will tell them they played it fine.

really?

Shades I understand, but I guess you have to be a high roller to like to listen to good music and enjoy wearing a baseball hat. I listen to my ipod just so I don't have to listen to anyone who does the above posted reasons.

you raise his open button limp from the blind and he says "**** you, I was just trying to be social"

You also forgot anyone who quotes anything in Rounders.

"Sorry John, I don't remember"

"Kill yourself"

Uh...lol?

people who get offended when you tell them you dont chop.

people who show their cards to other players while they're in pots (unless, of course, you are one of the people who gets to see the cards)

and the ****ing worst of them all

people who count out large bets one or two chips at a time. *****.

How about guys wearing poker memorabilia, wsop jackets/caps - hmmm. Even worse a poker tattoo....how ironic, a pair of aces up your sleave, yawn.

Nice hand, sir.

Calling four Kings quads.

"Almost a jackpot" stories.

CHECKOSLOVAKIA!

11. Standing up when you go all-in for 25BBs in a cash game
I mean seriously people

12. Being a complete Lagtard and then berating anyone who calls you down with 2nd pair
That's just good poker, you can't have your cake and eat it too

13. Trying to read my soul every time I make a big bet and holding up the game for a minute
You've got 4th pair you ****ing ****** just hurry up and fold

14. Schooling us on how awesome you are when your stupid out-of-place bluffs just happen to work
Did you forget that you've dropped $500 since you sat down?

15. Telling us how you make a living playing this 80NL game
That's just genuinely depressing man

16. Colluding
I'd say "GO **** YOURSELVES YOU MOTHER ****ERS" but you still manage to donate to me anyway so w/e go for it

17. Raising for information
You do realize you just put half your stack in the middle there, sir?

18. Telling us about all the hot sluts you've ****ed lately/will be ****ing
You fat ****

19. Splashing the pot
THIS IS NOT THE WSOP AND THAT IS NOT $450,000 IN THE MIDDLE, STOP TRYING TO BE DRAMATIC

20. Paying out nits
As if at least 6 of you aren't calling his 15BB opens anyway

21. Telling us how you're an online prodigy
You're at an 80NL table you ****ing liar, HU4ROLLZ

22. Complaining about how much live poker sucks
LOL just kidding that's fine, live poker really is teh ghey

this game is easy...

anyone who takes more then 5 seconds on a decision where they know what they are doing the entire time

and anyone who takes more then 30 seconds on a big decision

QFT!

The Mathematician-

with a flush draw you're only 4.56838% on the flop, .00056% on the turn, how do you call? you all play so bad.

if i turned a flush draw with my gutshot i have a 89.54% chance of winning.

shut the **** up you have no idea what you are talking about and no one cares what you have to say.