Long time lurker first time poster. Sorry for the length. Might be worth it. Your loose call.
So, one August night my friend convinces me we should get some prostitutes. Never had one, despite living for a couple months in Costa Rica where you can **** a hot Tica stripper in the club for around $50-$80 usd depending on hotness.
We order two and I'm nervous so I decide to pop half a Viagra for the first time ever and smoke some weed. Viagra only seems to make me super energetic and the hookers never show. Kinda pleased because I don't think I could have lived it down.
Proceed to get white girl wasted alone and go to buy smokes at the 24h store around the corner. At this point I had pounded some vodka and done a 2 mg xan. Absolutely demolished at this point.
Go to the store, buy smokes, get back to my condo building (which has one of those stupid sensor swipe locks). Realize I don't have my keys, go back to the store, accuse poor teenager of stealing my keys, leave store.
So now it's about 5:30 am sun is coming up and I'm searching in the trees planted in the sidewalk for my keys. Proceed to smash my face into the metal grate where the tree is planted. Go back to the store, dunno what buddy thinks, but somehow he doesn't call cops (white privilege for the win, pretty sure if I was black in balti would have been arrested or worse at this point)
Go back to my condo, poor little Asian man let's me in eventually coming back from his morning walk. Try to offer him money but he runs away. Find my keys by the elevator. Pass out for 12 hours.
Wake up with pillow caked in blood and noise complaint email from tight ass building admin. Six hours late for work but I have a good track record somehow so they let it slide.
Vicious hang over cured with hair off the dog. It's about six pm now and I have a softball game in an hour and a gigantic cut above my eye. Thankfully no long term damage but it's pretty gnarly.
Now this is beginner self-pitch coed softball and I'm our all star short stop. Life goals people. Show up wasted on my bicycle and my team wants me to go to the hospital. **** that, let's play ball.
Miss every catch including cutoffs from the out field. Go 0-4 at the plate with two strikeouts. Other team considers calling an ambulance at this point. At no point had I decided a band aid was needed.
Take a cab to a poker club because I ain't sleeping anytime soon. Pop another bar (xan) on the way to the club. Proceed to lose 2k in two hours at 2/5 NL. I'm sure there were some interesting hands. Zero recollection and flow.
Take another cab to the casino now. Don't really remember much there except I eventually got kicked out for losing my keys and freaking out about it. Never did get those keys back (universe gave me one chance) and the building charges forty bucks for a replacement.
TL
R
In the end, the entire day and a half finished up with:
2.5k poker loss
About $100 in drink and dro
1 scared Asian man
0 hookers
0 keys
0-4 at the plate
Moral of the story: stay away from the xans children