I was looking through my Hold 'Em Manager database for this hand history, but the site I play on doesn't support heads up displays.

Let me set the scene before I tell you how I lost all this money: it was a gloomy Sunday morning that just sucked the happiness out of life. Since I had nothing to do because my girlfriend dumped me for my Puerto Rican gardener and had stolen my Porsche that that greasy little ****er was always eying up, I decided I was going to grind and grind until I made enough money to hire a hit man to dispatch my erstwhile partner and gardener.

I drank a mixture of premium Russian vodka and some antifreeze to sweeten the taste and fired up the poker client. I was the table boss, clearly better than these inferior amateurs. Before long, I was accurately calling their hands before the donks showed down; I was on fire. I folded for 5 hours straight on the 500/1000 table, then I managed to chip up to about 267k when the bull**** started.

I was playing on Zynga poker against a player called Ahmed who had been stationing off against everyone, but made some horrible folds. For example, he check folded with 2.5bb behind in a 400bb pot after missing the flop.

I had 73, a bad hand, but I make the raises to put people in their places. I looked at his avatar to get a read. I knew - because I could read his soul- that he was weak. Consequently I went all in for 266,777 (the blinds were 500/1000), and the ****ing idiot called with AQ. The board came 7 7 6 so I'm jumping for joy doing the Macarena because there is no way I can lose. Then an A comes. Okay no big deal, no way another one can come. Then a bull****, ****ing rigged A comes and I lose. WTF?!!!

I explode and start launching various items around my room.
Then my sister inquires as to the cause of my emotional distress, and I say it's because her fat ass took the last Mars Bar in the fridge. She starts crying and calls her boyfriend and acts like I said something to upset her! Her boyfriend starts bellowing down the phone, saying that if I insult my sister again, then he is going to cause me grievous bodily harm. I tell him to **** himself and that he sucks dicks; he says he's going to knife me and will arrive at my residence in twenty minutes.

I disregard the ****** and get back to the grind. Grind on the mind, I need those chips back with interest if I'm going to bury my wanton girlfriend and that border jumper, Hector alive in cement. I reload and wait patiently for another hand, all the while Ahmed is being an ungracious winner by making comments such as: "u faking idito i smash ur face u faking himo i am pro."

The next hand comes up, and I finally get my chance to reclaim my lost children. I pick up AA and feel a bit of precum escape from my whopper. I induce bluffs by raising to 100k and balance my range. Ahmed goes all in and I explode with joy. I have the ****er crushed. I trapped him brilliantly.
Then my ****ing internet disconnects! I start praying to God, but he gave me the middle finger.
I folded my hand because I disconnected. I manage to keep calm until Ahmed showed me he had 93 and I ****ing lost it.

He said he thought I was bluffing and that he was a pro.
I played ten more hands before I quit to maintain my sanity.

My day went from bad to worse when Richard, my sister's boyfriend arrived at my abode completely stoned and with an enormous spliff dangling from the side of his mouth. He was brandishing a knife violently and was making references to the previous conversation we had. The beached whale that had forced its way into my home earlier started to placate Richard and told him I was just mad because my girlfriend left me. I shouted from an upstairs window in my mansion to Richard that his masculinity was debatable and that he wore my sister's panties to work (more like my sister's marquee, but you get the point). At this point, he became slightly irritated and somehow managed to manoeuvre his way past my sister's encapsulating fat flaps. Since he's stoned and in a disharmonious state, I come to the conclusion that my life is probably in danger. I therefore decide that once he reaches the top of the stairs that I am going to jump out of the window and flee to my friend's house until we can recapture the house.

Having leaped deftly from the top floor of a three floor mansion and breaking my left arm in the fall, I manage to outstrip the nonplussed Richard and eventually made my way to a hospital, where my arm was mended.

Cliff notes:

Brag: outran a deranged lunatic who was high on weed after calling him a cross dresser

Beat: sister ate all the food in my fridge after being upset by the ordeal

Beat: Lost 370k playing poker and couldn't hire a hit man

Beat: Lost my girlfriend to my Puerto Rican gardner who in addition to stealing my girlfriend, also despoiled my Porsche.

Variance: Broke my arm after executing an impossible jump with consummate ease from a precarious position.

So it was play money? ****ing hell, what a letdown.

It was always a fake story. My hope was that it would at least be entertaining.

It wasn't

I know it sucks but what can you do? Gotta lose that money.

I don't usually mean this, but now I do. **** you

why would you store a mars bar in the fridge?

I LOLd heartily.

frozen mars bars are the nuts

GFY

King Niche dick rider. Never take the throne.

Who the **** is King Niche?

Lets see if my read is correct. People who have nothing better to do than play fake money poker and talk **** on de internets, don't drive porches.

Precarious position is fun to say

ead

My first thought

obv knew it was playchips before I opened which was the real beat but I did want to tell op to ead obv

Story had heavy King Niche and Modus influences and while it didn't live up to their legendary standards, it was not bad.

Those crazy Scottish cats deep-fry their Mars Bars. Yes, I know!

I give it a C...

Slightly below the entertainment value of the fake Brandon Cantu twitter account. Keep practicing OP, just have an appetizer of semen for now...no need (yet) to eat the full dick.

is this an american thing?

noob

if fridge is an option, there is no option

The people that are mad at OP are really just mad at themselves for not realizing it was gag.

I thought it was pretty funny.

I didnt read, not a single word, and I do not think that it was funny.