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03-31-2007 , 11:27 PM
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You horrible horrible per...wait, this is in Canada, carry on

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I am a 35-40ish frequent 2+2 and BBV reader, and to date have never posted. I am a Canadian citizen. I am also a welfare fraud and poker player.

To add to my resume', I was a grade 9 high school dropout, with an IQ in the 155-160 range. Have never really liked school, and have never had a goal or career-oriented job.

I have worked many menial jobs throughout the years, most stemming from the fact I became a parent to a child in my late 20s, and thus came the need for regular food and a stable residency. The reason for the many jobs is that I have always had a problem in dealing with stupid people, and especially those in positions of authority. I have either been fired or quit from all of them.

As fate would have it, this pattern changed a number of years back when I found myself to be a single parent, solely raising my child, and within 3 months had a series of events (yet another job loss shortly followed by an injury, etc.) that led to us finding ourselves on the welfare roll, and at that time unable to work. The truth is, by then I had honestly lost all regard for working, and had accepted our situation...somewhat.

I applied for us to get into public housing as we were in the process of being evicted, and as of today we still live in the single family home we received 4 years ago. It is 100% paid through social programs, heating and utilities included, and sits near the end of a quiet residential street in a fairly decent neighborhood. I have no plans of leaving the system, as I have gone further on to fake my injuries, and as well faked a mental illness that has convinced both my doctor and social worker that I require permanent disability. I have just recently received perm. dis., so I will never really have to work another day in my life. So Dear Honest, Hard Working Taxpayer, does this make you a little angry?

Shortly after moving into our house, we were so seriously indebted to every possible utility, I had to ask a member of my family to hook up a ph. and cable for us, to which I would somehow try to pay for. I immediately hooked my PC in and was back on the Internet, and back to playing games at various sites. Games are something that I have always been able to dominate. One day, an online person I knew told me that she and several other people we knew weren't playing this particular game any more, and that is was because they were now playing poker. Later that night, I DL'd the program she spoke of and began to learn. Yes, I joined them and began to learn on Da Da Da Da! Play money.

Within the week I found that I could dominate very easily, and after watching the real money games, night after night, decided I had to find a way to play for real money. Hello free money offers!

I signed up for every free money offer I could find *Insert start of BBV type brag now* and began grinding the smallest stakes there were, quickly running them up. At the end of the first month of play I realized just how easy it could/would be, and the possible implications of gaining this source of revenue, versus having to explain where the money was coming from when I decided to eventually start withdrawing. It was then I went to several close family members and one friend (best friend) and had them make both poker and neteller accounts, which I could then dump to.

It is nearly 4 years later now, and the short of it is this. First year, 60k US funds. Second year 145k US funds. Third year 340k US funds. This the 4th year, I am on track to again be well into the latter 300 k, to mid 400 k US fund mark. This the whole while writing in 'zero' or 'nil' month after month, year after year for sources of income. I even get tiny tax cheques back once a year, and other perks for being so poor. Hate me ever more yet, tax paying people?

Since I began I have systematically withdrew and locked funds away, using various methods to avoid personal detection while still safeguarding being scammed, if even by family or my friend. Not that I think they would ever try to screw me or what I have going on, I have made it profitable enough for them that I cannot see it ever coming to one of them trying, but have protected myself even in the event that it did.

We still today live in the same house as mentioned, paid 100% by social assistance, heat and lights included. I still go buy most of my clothes at thrift stores, and I drive a [censored], ugly car. Sure, I have a better PC now and 2 30" monitors instead of the crappy 13" one, and some pretty cool techie gizmo's, and my child now gets to play any sport they want, and gets to wear w/e sort of clothes they want for w/e price, but aside from that, I haven't left any flags out for possible detection.

I see those hating on the lazy welfare people all the time, 'sucking on the system' and so on..., and at some level I admit I even feel a bit of disdain for those lazy unmotivated people also. What a hypocrite, right? Probably so. So how do you feel about me? Fact is, I honestly don't care.

Why do this if you aren't going to be spending the money? I started out thinking I wanted to make lots and lots of money to have and spend and never be broke again. I have found since having it, that it really isn't that important to me. My child is very important to me, and I plan to see that they won't ever have to do without. My child is not a genius, just of average intelligence, but is a good kid and I plan/hope to be able to give them every advantage I can, be it schooling, a start in business, or whatever path they choose.

So that's about it, I am glad I finally wrote it down. Yep, I'm one of those lazy welfare people, and even more so, a cheater. I don't care if anyone believe this or not. I don't care if some intraweb sleuth tries to expose me, for I honestly don't think it could be proven. If anything, I might be able to play an insanity/delusional card, and maybe get a few more benefits if a knock ever came at the door investigating one day. Part of me almost welcomes it.

A short while ago I saw in a NVG thread someone asking about one of my SN's and some people speculating on who they thought it might be. I have to admit that this brought me some pleasure, and a chuckle. No one was even close, obviously, because that SN was actually me...


Yours truly,
Welfare Bob

i think i hate this guy more than the dude who married the rich, ugly broad. mainly because that house can go to someone who desperatly needs it (for example: someone sleeping in a cardboard box in the middle of winter)
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04-01-2007 , 01:28 AM
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change IRuleYouHard's title to vampire?
lol
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04-01-2007 , 01:45 AM
I thought about it and... I think vampire is acceptable... even though I will prolly get banned never (the guy below is lying) so its pointless.
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04-01-2007 , 01:59 AM
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I thought about it and... I think vampire is acceptable... even though I will prolly get banned again so its pointless.
U prolly will be banned for admitting to already being banned good bye
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04-01-2007 , 03:14 PM
Adanth, are you too busy sorting through April Fool's ones to post anymore real ones? (Note: claiming you 'have a life' is not an excuse).
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04-01-2007 , 11:44 PM
meh, this is barely funny enough to post I guess

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When bored, I often multi-table poker with porn (usually -ev, but fun nontheless).....

One night, I hadn't busted in awhile - I'm usually good for 1-2 per day and it had been a few days......

So I'm multi tabling porn for a loooong time and I'm ready, real ready, to bust one...and I end up "chinning" myself.....which is bad enough, however my mouth was slightly ummm ajar and and I caught a bit inside my mouth....
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04-01-2007 , 11:45 PM
you know, instead of talking to her

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When I was in high school I worked at a local movie rental place that also had tanning beds. Not long after working there I realized there was a crack in one of the doors that led into the tanning beds. All the hot girls from my high school would tan there as well as some pretty smokin milfs.

So what did I do as a horny high school kid? I looked through the crack and expanded my knowledge of the female body. There was also a vent in the bottom of the doors that I could see through in one of the rooms also. There were 4 rooms, and when the hot women would come in, I would always tell them that room 3 was the best bed so they would go in there. I would estimate that I probably saw about 100 naked chicks in the time I worked there.

The most notable was the hottest girl in high school. I had a huuuge crush on here since like the 6th grade and I got her to come tan there. I actually rubbed one out when she was there. It was great.
on a fun note, my computer appears to be in need of a reformat so updates might be slow for a couple of days
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04-01-2007 , 11:46 PM
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meh, this is barely funny enough to post I guess

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When bored, I often multi-table poker with porn (usually -ev, but fun nontheless).....

One night, I hadn't busted in awhile - I'm usually good for 1-2 per day and it had been a few days......

So I'm multi tabling porn for a loooong time and I'm ready, real ready, to bust one...and I end up "chinning" myself.....which is bad enough, however my mouth was slightly ummm ajar and and I caught a bit inside my mouth....
or so funny i am laughing LOLOLOLOL nice work made a donk-shot.
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04-02-2007 , 02:55 AM
need moreeeee
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04-02-2007 , 01:10 PM
Wow, some really entertaining reads here. I've racked my brain for a worthy submission, but I haven't done anything that really has merit for this thread. Please keep them coming.

ScottieK
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04-02-2007 , 01:12 PM
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need moreeeee
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04-02-2007 , 01:12 PM
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you know, instead of talking to her

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When I was in high school I worked at a local movie rental place that also had tanning beds. Not long after working there I realized there was a crack in one of the doors that led into the tanning beds. All the hot girls from my high school would tan there as well as some pretty smokin milfs.

So what did I do as a horny high school kid? I looked through the crack and expanded my knowledge of the female body. There was also a vent in the bottom of the doors that I could see through in one of the rooms also. There were 4 rooms, and when the hot women would come in, I would always tell them that room 3 was the best bed so they would go in there. I would estimate that I probably saw about 100 naked chicks in the time I worked there.

The most notable was the hottest girl in high school. I had a huuuge crush on here since like the 6th grade and I got her to come tan there. I actually rubbed one out when she was there. It was great.
WTF, were webcams not invented yet?

Ray
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04-02-2007 , 01:32 PM
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I applied for us to get into public housing as we were in the process of being evicted, and as of today we still live in the single family home we received 4 years ago. It is 100% paid through social programs, heating and utilities included, and sits near the end of a quiet residential street in a fairly decent neighborhood. I have no plans of leaving the system, as I have gone further on to fake my injuries, and as well faked a mental illness that has convinced both my doctor and social worker that I require permanent disability. I have just recently received perm. dis., so I will never really have to work another day in my life. So Dear Honest, Hard Working Taxpayer, does this make you a little angry?
Yes...very much so.
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04-02-2007 , 01:45 PM
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I applied for us to get into public housing as we were in the process of being evicted, and as of today we still live in the single family home we received 4 years ago. It is 100% paid through social programs, heating and utilities included, and sits near the end of a quiet residential street in a fairly decent neighborhood. I have no plans of leaving the system, as I have gone further on to fake my injuries, and as well faked a mental illness that has convinced both my doctor and social worker that I require permanent disability. I have just recently received perm. dis., so I will never really have to work another day in my life. So Dear Honest, Hard Working Taxpayer, does this make you a little angry?
No, I'm jealous. You're my hero !
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04-02-2007 , 01:58 PM
I this thread.
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04-02-2007 , 02:37 PM
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The goldigging one actually makes me feel sad....that's pretty shallow...
LOL.

That story is the MO for 70% of the females in the free world
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04-02-2007 , 03:27 PM
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i live in austrailia, I've pondered getting the doll (welfare)

I couldn't bring myself to do it. Plus at some point they brought in some pretty strict rules, like you have to apply for 4 jobs a week or something, so it def wouldn't be worth it anyway
It would be a whole hell of a lot of fun to try to pull this off for a few months. Think about it, you would have to go into the job interviews with the intention of not getting hired. I think I would go in everytime and say something to the effect of, "Hey [censored] face, give me a job now before I bang your daughter."

You might get the [censored] kicked out of you 4 times a week, but it would be a great story / prop bet.
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04-02-2007 , 03:44 PM
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It would be a whole hell of a lot of fun to try to pull this off for a few months. Think about it, you would have to go into the job interviews with the intention of not getting hired. I think I would go in everytime and say something to the effect of, "Hey [censored] face, give me a job now before I bang your daughter."
A character in the novel Trainspotting used to do this. He would (earnestly and with all apparent sincerity) admit to a hard drug problem and say something like "but with God's help, I'm fighting it".

I wouldn't be at all surprised if it was based on real life.
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04-02-2007 , 08:49 PM
standard

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Adanthar,
Hello. Me and my friends were partying hard last
week. We were all shitfaced and planned to crash at
one of our houses. So we get back at like 2 am and I
am ******ed. I took a perc and drank a ton of vodka
and beer. I'm not a heavy drinker so all my friends
were impressed with what I held down. So we all crash
back at my friends house and I go straight up to his
room to go to sleep, but I can't make it there so I
went into the bathroom and straight throwing up. They
see me and they go to bed. I go back to the mattress
laying on his floor in his room. It was a huge
mattress so more than one person could fit on it so of
corse my friend crashes on it while im gone but I said
[censored] it and laid on the other side.

So later in the night I have no idea what time it was
possibly 5 am. I have the urge to take a piss, but I
decided to just stand up and piss all over the
mattress, floor and even on the pillows. I'm so happy
my friend who was on the mattress didn't wake up,
because he probably would have beat the hsit out of
me. He is a huge football player. Once I'm done I go
ont he floor next to the mattress and lay down. I wake
up in the morning before the others and realized what
I did and I'm like oh [censored] I can't tell everyone I
just stood up and pissed everywhere. I went to the
bathroom and just grab some cleaning [censored] and start
spraying it everywhere. And when my friend who was on
the mattress got up looked at me, I just said man I
threw up a lot.

So I got him to get off of it and flipped that bitch
and sent it under my friends bed, never to be talked
about again. Pillows were sent in a bag.

What an [censored].

P.S. - I took ambien like 15 mins ago so it might be a
little messed up. I need to go to bed now.
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04-02-2007 , 08:51 PM
probably also standard

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I was at a kegger with a few of my friends. Lotsa dudes, few brauds, angry mob repeatedly flipping a car over... that kind of scene. Even though we didn't know anybody, we somehow managed to commandeer the kegs, and serve our friends exclusively (this ALWAYS happens at keggers we attend, and results in numerous brawls).

So a wasted looking girl (hot, albeit semi-trashy) approaches us wanting to do a kegstand. My buddy P says "Right this way" and puts his arm around her. She recoils immediately with an outraged look on her face and says "Excuse me!? Are you touching me!?'. So we start laughing and call her a [censored] and she storms off.

Five minutes later a surly, white-trash looking dude saunters up to me and smiles, asking 'How ya doing buddy?' Predictably, he punches me in the face before he's even finished his sentence. My buddy P immediately decks him and he goes down hard. We both jump on him and start pummelling him mercilessly, and it's then that I hear the sweetest sound I've heard in a long while: his girlfriend (the trashy braud, who obviously put him up to it) screaming 'No!'.

Unfortunately, I soon learn where this guy got the courage to approach us: no less than every male in sight then converges on us. At least 30-40 people. We try to fight our way through the crowd, but before it gets bad for us, the owners (even though they're friends with the guy we just pummeled) get in the middle and break up the fight.

Now's where the confession part comes in. We're about to leave unscathed and extremely lucky when the [censored] comes back and asks me 'What I got now', and I just can't take it... I spit a massive loogie directly in her face. She slaps me hard and I fly into an uncontrollable rage. Even though I know my friends and I will all get badly hurt if I do anything, I can't overcome the sheer hatred I feel towards her. I openhand her directly across the jaw and she does a half backflip and slumps awkwardly to the floor, unconscious.

So of course her brother is there too, and immediately charges at me with an aluminum Louisville Slugger, swingly wildly at my head. While I'm frantically dodging the bat everyone (including the owners who just saved us before) converges on me, trying to hold me down. I fight like an absolute animal, desperately trying to save my life, gouging eyes, elbowing people in the face and throat. The guy with the bat absolutely smokes his friend by accident, dropping him like a bag dirt, and I manage to escape and run out to the street and start running like [censored]. I look around and realize that NONE of my friends have made it. I stand still for a second, knowing I have to go back, but dreading it. But obviously I gotta do it, so I curse myself and charge back towards the kegger.

Meanwhile my friends are brawlling their way out onto the street, with both sides using more bottles than fists. My one buddy M falls and starts getting pounded but before I can get to him this huge fat guy starts choking me. His buddies are trying to punch me but he's so fat that they can't get a shot in. I want to laugh, but instead just struggle to gasp for air.

As I'm about to pass out, I see a bright light shining from behind the fat guy choking me. All his buddies yell something and run off the road, and the fat guy lets go of me and ponderously turns around to see what's happening. In my dazed state I see the light bearing down on us, and just manage to dive out of the way. The fat guy is obviously not going anywhere fast, and the light (which is of course my friend R in his car) plows into him at like 40 mph, sending him rolling over the hood and off the side of the car. R hits several more people and then peels off at high speed and I have a sinking feeling like he just left us to die.

Fortunately, the shock generated by R accelerating his car into a crowd of people causes a break in the fighting, allowing my friends break free and start sprinting away. I stand up and watch what looks like a scene out of cartoon, and my three friends are desperately running from a massive mob with whiskey bottles and bats and rocks being hurled at them. I get up at start running too, but there's no one chasing me becase they're trying to ressucitate the fat guy. I trample over a couple people who are moaning on the ground from being run over. I look back and see a bottle hit P in the back of the head and he goes down. I can't imagine going back to get him because by now these people want to KILL US more than anything in the world, but nonetheless my other two friends stop to drag him to his feet.

Just as the mob converges on them and I contemplate one final epic charge to death and glory, R's car comes screaming back down the road at like 80 mph. Everybody starts running and screaming in terror and he pulls a James Bond 180 hand brake slide, stops in front of us, and yells 'Get in' out of the open window. My three friends and I jump in the car and peel the [censored] out of there.

We turn on to a main street, and two minutes later see a line of cop cars and a couple ambulances screaming down towards the party. Our car's windshield is cracked and the left mirror is broken off, but nobody pulls us over and we escape with no consequences.

A part of me feels bad for knocking out that girl, but she was such a [censored] and I hated so much that I wouldn't really do anything differently if given the chance. So there's my confession, along with a (hopefully) entertaining story.

CLIFF NOTES: Trash-ho gets insulted by my friends and I, and sends her boyfriend to fight us. We tune him up, but are jumped by 30-40 people. Just when the fight is about to break up without us being seriously hurt, ho asks me 'What I got now' and I spit in her face and openhand her, leaving her unconscious. A massive brawl ensues, her brother tries to beat me with a Lousiville slugger, my friends all get bottled and gangbeat. One friend escapes and plows his car into a crowd of people, saving us.
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04-02-2007 , 09:22 PM
^^^^ good read
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04-02-2007 , 09:29 PM
standard friday night for me, nothing too out of the ordinary
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04-02-2007 , 10:25 PM
the author is probably a huge douchebag, but this story made me smile.
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04-02-2007 , 10:41 PM
The story's probably fake, but it was a good read.
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04-02-2007 , 10:51 PM
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probably also standard

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I was at a kegger with a few of my friends. Lotsa dudes, few brauds, angry mob repeatedly flipping a car over... that kind of scene. Even though we didn't know anybody, we somehow managed to commandeer the kegs, and serve our friends exclusively (this ALWAYS happens at keggers we attend, and results in numerous brawls).

So a wasted looking girl (hot, albeit semi-trashy) approaches us wanting to do a kegstand. My buddy P says "Right this way" and puts his arm around her. She recoils immediately with an outraged look on her face and says "Excuse me!? Are you touching me!?'. So we start laughing and call her a [censored] and she storms off.

Five minutes later a surly, white-trash looking dude saunters up to me and smiles, asking 'How ya doing buddy?' Predictably, he punches me in the face before he's even finished his sentence. My buddy P immediately decks him and he goes down hard. We both jump on him and start pummelling him mercilessly, and it's then that I hear the sweetest sound I've heard in a long while: his girlfriend (the trashy braud, who obviously put him up to it) screaming 'No!'.

Unfortunately, I soon learn where this guy got the courage to approach us: no less than every male in sight then converges on us. At least 30-40 people. We try to fight our way through the crowd, but before it gets bad for us, the owners (even though they're friends with the guy we just pummeled) get in the middle and break up the fight.

Now's where the confession part comes in. We're about to leave unscathed and extremely lucky when the [censored] comes back and asks me 'What I got now', and I just can't take it... I spit a massive loogie directly in her face. She slaps me hard and I fly into an uncontrollable rage. Even though I know my friends and I will all get badly hurt if I do anything, I can't overcome the sheer hatred I feel towards her. I openhand her directly across the jaw and she does a half backflip and slumps awkwardly to the floor, unconscious.

So of course her brother is there too, and immediately charges at me with an aluminum Louisville Slugger, swingly wildly at my head. While I'm frantically dodging the bat everyone (including the owners who just saved us before) converges on me, trying to hold me down. I fight like an absolute animal, desperately trying to save my life, gouging eyes, elbowing people in the face and throat. The guy with the bat absolutely smokes his friend by accident, dropping him like a bag dirt, and I manage to escape and run out to the street and start running like [censored]. I look around and realize that NONE of my friends have made it. I stand still for a second, knowing I have to go back, but dreading it. But obviously I gotta do it, so I curse myself and charge back towards the kegger.

Meanwhile my friends are brawlling their way out onto the street, with both sides using more bottles than fists. My one buddy M falls and starts getting pounded but before I can get to him this huge fat guy starts choking me. His buddies are trying to punch me but he's so fat that they can't get a shot in. I want to laugh, but instead just struggle to gasp for air.

As I'm about to pass out, I see a bright light shining from behind the fat guy choking me. All his buddies yell something and run off the road, and the fat guy lets go of me and ponderously turns around to see what's happening. In my dazed state I see the light bearing down on us, and just manage to dive out of the way. The fat guy is obviously not going anywhere fast, and the light (which is of course my friend R in his car) plows into him at like 40 mph, sending him rolling over the hood and off the side of the car. R hits several more people and then peels off at high speed and I have a sinking feeling like he just left us to die.

Fortunately, the shock generated by R accelerating his car into a crowd of people causes a break in the fighting, allowing my friends break free and start sprinting away. I stand up and watch what looks like a scene out of cartoon, and my three friends are desperately running from a massive mob with whiskey bottles and bats and rocks being hurled at them. I get up at start running too, but there's no one chasing me becase they're trying to ressucitate the fat guy. I trample over a couple people who are moaning on the ground from being run over. I look back and see a bottle hit P in the back of the head and he goes down. I can't imagine going back to get him because by now these people want to KILL US more than anything in the world, but nonetheless my other two friends stop to drag him to his feet.

Just as the mob converges on them and I contemplate one final epic charge to death and glory, R's car comes screaming back down the road at like 80 mph. Everybody starts running and screaming in terror and he pulls a James Bond 180 hand brake slide, stops in front of us, and yells 'Get in' out of the open window. My three friends and I jump in the car and peel the [censored] out of there.

We turn on to a main street, and two minutes later see a line of cop cars and a couple ambulances screaming down towards the party. Our car's windshield is cracked and the left mirror is broken off, but nobody pulls us over and we escape with no consequences.

A part of me feels bad for knocking out that girl, but she was such a [censored] and I hated so much that I wouldn't really do anything differently if given the chance. So there's my confession, along with a (hopefully) entertaining story.

CLIFF NOTES: Trash-ho gets insulted by my friends and I, and sends her boyfriend to fight us. We tune him up, but are jumped by 30-40 people. Just when the fight is about to break up without us being seriously hurt, ho asks me 'What I got now' and I spit in her face and openhand her, leaving her unconscious. A massive brawl ensues, her brother tries to beat me with a Lousiville slugger, my friends all get bottled and gangbeat. One friend escapes and plows his car into a crowd of people, saving us.
this is so awesome. I'm gonna write a movie and this will be a scene in the movie.
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