BBV Anonymous Confessions - Page 12 - Poker Beats Brags and Variance

So I was at home with my wife when she got a phone call from her brother. He was a Captain in the Army, and had called to tell her that he was getting court martialed for downloading kiddie porn on an Army computer. Of course the first thing I think is, what a dumb [censored], is he that [censored] stupid?

Well Captain stupid swore my wife to secrecy, and she did the same for me, so I kept it to myself. He also told his wife, because his [censored] career was toast and he probably couldn't find a decent lie to explain why. After a few months, he gets a dishonorable discharge, but that lucky [censored] completely avoided any jail time.

Not long after, he gets a job with a private war contractor and gets on a plane to Iraq. Well, my wife and I are going through a divorce at the same time, so it's pretty testy between us, but really I was cool with it. [censored] didn't work out you know? Anyway, she's at our house off and on getting her [censored], signing paperwork, and generally doing the [censored] you do when your marriage is over. So one day she shows up with her mom and dad (who had no idea what their son had done) and they're all wrecks. Dad is all stoic, mom is weepy and ex-wife is red-eyed. Turns out Captain stupid's hotel in Saudi had been suicide bombed and he was one on the casualties. Now this is a shock, but truth be told, I was over that family by this point so I was pretty muted with my response.

"Damn, that's [censored]" was about what I came up with.

Well mom ( who I never relly cared for) decides it's time to unload all her [censored] on me. She proceeds to curse me, berate me, tell me what a loser I was, how much she knew it would never work, etc. Dad is just nodding in agreement. Well, as you can guess, I have the [censored] A-bomb and ex-inlaw is completely oblivious.

"At least I didn't get kicked out of the Army for being a pedophile."

Now, ex-wife, had she been quick enough, could have salvaged it, but mom and dad had their doubts about their son's concocted story from the start, and those doubts, coupled with the ex's expression, pretty much sealed it.

"Now get the [censored] out of my house" That kind of satisfaction, you can't buy it, you have to earn it.

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03-30-2007 , 09:47 PM

#277

furyshade

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i really don't know who i feel bad for in ^^^ story, but both sides seem to deserve what they got, 9.5/10, only way it could have been better would be if he bitchslapped the mother-in-law

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03-30-2007 , 10:19 PM

#278

schwah

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Join Date: Oct 2004 Posts: 2,287

wow, this thread started out being mostly sad and depressing but some of the recent ones are hilarious

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03-30-2007 , 10:52 PM

#279

acelah

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Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 17

When I was younger me and a few of my friends went on a skiing holiday which turned out to be more interesting than we had imagined. In the hotel we were staying in we met a group of girls who were obviously up for it.
So on the third night after a few too many drinks my friend goes back to one of the girls bedrooms and she passes out, my friend is pissed off and very drunk so he does a [censored] and smears it where she is sleeping to make it look she has crapped the bed.

the next morning he tells everyone she crapped herself, she was so embarrassed she didn't leave her room for the rest of the holiday.

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03-30-2007 , 11:21 PM

#280

adanthar

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i really don't know who i feel bad for in ^^^ story, but both sides seem to deserve what they got, 9.5/10, only way it could have been better would be if he bitchslapped the mother-in-law

fun fact: OP from last post has provided some corroborating evidence of this being a real story

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03-30-2007 , 11:40 PM

#281

adanthar

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Dear Playgirl Magazine...

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I had my first orgasm when I was doing pull ups from the diving board (i was half way in the pool). I was probably about 6. After a few pullups I would start to contract my stomach real hard and swing my pelvis forward a little bit and boom- orgasm. I didn't know what it was. I thought it was just some sort of muscular contraction or whatever. Well, it gets worse. I realized that if I went up to a countertop and helf myself up by my palms and sort of bend my elbows up and down slightly- I'd orgasm doing that, too. I still had no idea what I was doing. Like I said, I was 6. Fortuntately no one ever saw me doing it. I would hold my legs up and put my weight on my palms and grind against a countertop or a mattress or something like that. I did this probably 2x a day for a year. When I was in first and second grade I did this in the bathroom at school. One time a kid walked in on me and wondered what I was doing. When I was about 9 I realized what I was doing b/c I blew my first load. I think I probably orgasmed in front of a lot of people on that diving board when i doing pull ups from it's under carriage. I didn't actually jerk it until 4'th grade, when me and my friend and my mom were leaving Baskin Robbins (ice cream place) and I was walking slightly behind them and I went to throw my straw away in the trash can when I struck gold! A prono mag was in there! A good one, too. Like club- it was called gallery. I had never seen that stuff before, but like the crafty little kid I was i immediately yanked it out w/o saying a word at the speed of light and put it down my pants all in one motion w/o anyone seeing me. I think I jerked off to that magazine about 5x a day for a while.

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03-30-2007 , 11:53 PM

#282

Jiggymike

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I don't believe the Playgirl one. I'm not sure your body has the ability to orgasm at 6, even if you could get an erection. Whatever.

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03-31-2007 , 02:04 AM

#283

I dunno

grinder

Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 521

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This would probably be funnier in the alternate universe where the old lady sprouts tentacles and comes after the OP

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When I was about 17, a buddy and I where driving home in my car. We came to an intersection that had a stop sign and a 1 way street that you could only turn left. The street was usually busy, with three lanes of traffic. This intersection was at the top of a hill so you had to watch carfully before making your left as cars could suddenly appear of the crest of the hill with out warning.
Anyways we pulled up to this interesection behind a gray haired lady driving a land yaught, to my suprise she was over at the right with her right hand turning light on. I looked at her eyes in her review mirror and saw she was looking back my way.
I decided I wanted to see her pull into on coming traffic for my entertainment, so thanks to some quick thinking, I pulled to the right behind her and put my right turn signal on too.
I then clicked it off as she started making her turn, heading the wrong way down the busy one way street.
Just as her nose was half way across the first lane a car came speeding over the hill, my buddy and I both had that reflex that makes you lift your knees towards your stomach when your about to see something horrifing. The car locked up its breaks and she lifted her hands in horror as it came to a screeching halt a few inches from her driver side door. More traffic came over the hill and stopped, horns where honking. I quietly made my left turn and laughed the entire way home.

You're a sick [censored].

as played it's still funny [censored].

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03-31-2007 , 02:23 AM

#284

Gobias Ind.

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The answer to all those questions OOT asks itself daily

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When I was 23 (4 years ago) I went to the gym quite a bit. My lifting partner and I were pretty buff at that point and looked good (BEEFCAAAAAAKE!). We made fun of everyone else at the gym on a daily basis between ourselves and were horribly mean because we viewed them as inferior. One of the girls that came to the gym had terrible looking frizzy, curly hair, overweight by like 30 pounds, never talked to anyone, and was a rumored lesbian. She looked to be about 21 or 22. We made fun of her constantly. One day as I was leaving the gym I saw her in front of me walking to her car, she got into a brand new Range Rover as I walked to my old Honda. I suddenly saw the light. The next time I saw her at the gym I started talking to her and found out who her stepdad was through conversation. I found out that he bought and sold shopping malls and owned a very well known company in my city. I asked another person at the gym if he knew who she was and he laughed and mentioned how ugly she was and I laughed along with him. Then he told me her family was probably worth in excess of $100 million. I stopped laughing. I grew up poor (750 sq. ft house for 5 kids and parents) and I didn't want to be poor anymore. I launched an all out romantic attack on her, we started going out, she still may have been a lesbain but I didn't care, we eventually moved in together, I still couldn't look at her without cringing, and 2 years later we got married. This woman is now my wife.

Beat: I probably married a lesbian
Brag: Her parents bought us a $600,000 house in a country club subdivision that he owns for our wedding present and I work for her dad managing part of his real estate portfolio. I'm on salary at $240,000 a year. Her trust fund pays her $8800/month until she's 30 and she will receive a $10 million lump sum on her 30th birthday. He's 73 now and not doing well, the inheritance will be sick since he didn't have any kids on his own due to completely immersing himself in his business his entire life. I love the money, my wife can't cook and she's ugly, but I'm rich.
Variance: I married someone that I hate and can't look.

My advice to anyone thinking of doing the same thing, swallow your pride and marry the first time for money and the second time for love.

Winner!

BTW - This thread is so amazing. I want to stop reading b/c im tired and on sudafed, but i cant!

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03-31-2007 , 02:33 AM

#285

adanthar

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I tried so hard and got so far, but in the end it doesn't even matter

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i want to die.

every day i swim in the cesspool that is my thoughts, filled with the blood of death, murder, and suicide. many years have been spent reading, studying, looking at the reasons behind those acts, studying the methods of murder and how to store the body away without evidence, studying the most effective ways of suicide, all of it. it infests me in the search of enlightenment, to find my sense of self and self worth. who do i play poker? i enjoy seeing others suffer. it is just inside me, and the only pleasure i receive within this life. ive had a severe depression since age 10, but i refuse to take pills. what good am i if i have to depend on artificial pills? i have the inability to be able to actually pull the trigger on myself, so i jut wait for the day where someone comes to kill me. there is no hope, no happiness, no hope for freedom out there, and a high hope for failure. in the end, we all die and who am i to prolong it

you know how ive studied murder methods and how to scape the body? dont try to trace me or you find out what ive learned

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03-31-2007 , 02:34 AM

#286

adanthar

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Nobody else use this thing, because you can't copy/paste from here

http://www.willselfdestruct.com/secure/pxivv449

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03-31-2007 , 03:45 AM

#287

vhawk01

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Yeah, heard this one about thirty times, all with slight variations. Guess yer the guy it really happened to, huh?

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03-31-2007 , 04:42 AM

#288

TIEdup14

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"oh i came what a beautiful thing"

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03-31-2007 , 04:48 AM

#289

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03-31-2007 , 11:19 AM

#290

Rick305

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Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 1,500

great thread

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03-31-2007 , 11:41 AM

#291

adanthar

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I'm leaving the snow angel in because he seems oddly appropriate

anyway, But what is she on the OOT scale?

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my good friend since i wasw like 19 and a freshman in college met a girl who he fell head over heels for. She was a total good girl ,went to church every sunday, never flirted with other guys, and acted fairly prude. They dated for over two years then he proposed to her. The whole time I knew her, we always kind of jokingly flirted but just as a goof and when no one was aaround. After they got engaged and about 2 months before the wedding I ended up getting a call by her wanting me to pick her up from the bookstore cuz she was getting creeped out by some guy who was following her around and craig was out of town for work.

So I ended up picking her up..the guy was just some random guy who stared a little to hard..and we ended up grabbing some food at a cheesy mexican joint and having a couple of drinks. We were kind of flirting but not really...just the booze. I end up driving her a ride home and before she gets out of the car we ended up kissing. I forget to mention this chick is a fricking 11/10. smoking hot , great body, etc etc and the whole pure sweet thing just adds to it. We ended up [censored] in their bed and went at it all night and the next morning. I didn't talk to her for awhile after that..and my friend never seemed the wiser. We've hooked up a couple more times since then..but once they got married it stopped. She just recently started hinting she wants me to to [censored] her again--when she talks about it shes really vulgar...and i think i'm going to give her what she wants.

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03-31-2007 , 11:42 AM

#292

adanthar

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Dear Swinger's Life Monthly Magazine...

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I guess this doesn't /really/ have to be anonymous since I didn't do anything bad, but I thought BBV would find it humorous

I grew up in typical whitebread middle-class suburbia. When I was about 13 or so I had a job lined up babysitting at a neighbor's house. Somehow I told a friend of mine that I was babysitting there and he told me to look in the closet in their guest bedroom because they had porn. I didn't believe it, but after I put the kid to bed I went in there and sure enough the entire closet was just packed full of swinger magazines, porn, dildos, lube, etc. Nothing terribly hardcore in the great scheme of things (though closet swingers in suburbia has some humor value I suppose) but I was 13, this was like heaven.

So I literally pull out like 40 porn magazines and am sitting in the middle of them all wanking it when suddenly I hear the garage door go up. Parents are home like 2 hours early. I totally flip out and just start shoving stuff under the bed, back in the closet. Meanwhile kid wakes up because of the garage door and starts SCREAMING. Before I can even get my belt buckled or all the porn put away the kid's dad is standing at the door of the guest bedroom. Kid screaming. My pants half on. Closet open with all their porn magazines literally thrown in in a pile (I think I thought somehow I was going to go back and clean them up before they found out.) Dead [censored] silence - we just stare at each other. I freak out and tell him i have to go to the bathroom and run in there and shut the door and start crying because I think that they probably think I was basically wacking off and ignoring their screaming kid and they were going to tell my parents I was looking at porn. I sit in there for about 20 minutes before the dad finally knocks on the door and asks me if I'm all right and tells me he'll take me home.

They never mention a word about it. They never call me back to babysit again. 6 months later they move away.

In retrospect, it was certainly more horrifying for them to wonder if their babysitter had told his parents that they were degenerate swingers and wonder if all the neighbors knew (I didn't obviously) but when you're 13 and beating it to porn and an adult catches you it pretty much feels like the end of the world.

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03-31-2007 , 01:48 PM

#293

ebepse

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Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 7,244

i love ibew

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03-31-2007 , 05:21 PM

#294

IRuleYouHard

old hand

Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 1,294

Not really a confession but a good story non the less.

My senior year of high school I had been dating my 5th cousin (see above) since the 6th grade. She was hot as [censored] and horny to go along with that. So one day after track practice I was driving her home and she start doin stuff to me as we were driving so I decide I'm going to pull into a driveway of an abandoned house along the way and have some fun. Long story short we got into it and she was on the rag([censored] right?)... but she insisted that I eat her out. I of course love the puss so I aggree...(just her [censored] obviously) So we are into it hot and heavy with her pants at her ankles and her legs over my head when I hear sirens... So we scramble to get clothed when I look back and see a sherrif sitting behind us with his lights on. We get our clothes on and he approaches... so no time to clean up. He asks for my DL so I go to grab it and notice that I have blood on my fingers from fingering her. He takes my DL and goes to check me out obviously seeing the blood and grossed out by this. That is when I noticed in rear view mirror I also had blood on my chin from where it was resting. IT WOULD NOT COME OFF! So basically he gives us a warning not to park in front of meth houses when we choose to *cough, cough* "have a good time" and lets us go home. Pretty awesome.

Cliff notes: horny gf wants me to eat her out on rag and I do at abandoned meth house. blood on fingers and chin when sheriff takes DL and I get embarrased. Go home.

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03-31-2007 , 05:38 PM

#295

Barrin6

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oh jesus

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03-31-2007 , 05:50 PM

#296

RikaKazak

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OMG I feel sick

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03-31-2007 , 05:56 PM

#297

IRuleYouHard

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Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 1,294

I'm a nasty bastard...sorry.

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03-31-2007 , 05:57 PM

#298

furyshade

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iruleyouhard, first how do you even know if someone is a fifth cousin? that seems like a pretty distant lineage.

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03-31-2007 , 06:02 PM

#299

IRuleYouHard

old hand

Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 1,294

Her grandma and my grandma are cousins. They found out for us.

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03-31-2007 , 06:03 PM

#300

wdcbooks

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Her grandma and my grandma are cousins. They found out for us.

Did they swipe your mouth to do the DNA test?

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