Two Plus Two Publishing LLC Two Plus Two Publishing LLC
 

Go Back   Two Plus Two Poker Forums > >

Poker Beats, Brags, and Variance Here's where you put your whines and wins.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 11-14-2009, 04:38 AM   #1
Daleroxxu
veteran
 
Daleroxxu's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 3,258
10 questions not to ask me about poker (beat: the stupid questions people ask me)

Based on the "Why I don't tell people I play poker" thread and, sadly, a lot of personal experience of morons asking me stupid questions over the last few years I've made a summary of the 10 questions I hate to be asked the most.

The plan is to print out a few copies and carry them around with me, so that if anyone IRL starts asking me about poker i can hand them this nice FAQ containing all they want to know.


Did you win or lose at poker last night?

me: Does it matter? I try to think long term and ignore the short term swings.
noob: I want to know, just tell me.
me: OK I won.
noob: How much?
me: $xxxx
noob: But how much did you lose?
me: What? I didn't lose anything, I won $xxxx
noob: So you didn't lose any money before you won the $xxxx?
me: No, you asked me how much I won and I gave you the net total. It includes all the wins and loses.
noob: Wow that's how much I make in a month. Do you make that much every day? You must be rich.
me: Some days i win, some days i lose. There's a lot of variance involved.


Are you addicted to poker?

me: No, I'm not addicted.
noob: Well how often do you play poker?
me: Every day
noob: You're addicted then
me: You're a clown. I'm playing poker to make money, I'm not f**king addicted
noob: Sure, that's what they all say, all the gambling addicts.


What's the most that you've ever won in a day/week/month/year?

me: That's personal, I'd rather keep that to myself.
noob: What, don't be a dick, just tell me.
me: I'm not being a dick, I just don't want to tell you how much money I make at my job. I don't ask you how much you make for answering phone calls and playing minesweeper.
noob: That's different, you won the money.
me: I earned it. It's not like I'm playing the f**king lottery!


Can you actually make a living playing poker?

me: Yes you can, unless you're an idiot, then you probably can't.
noob: But if you're playing poker all day instead of working then how do you pay your bills and buy food and things?
me: With the money i make playing poker.
noob: Wow, how is that even possible?
me: It's possible because I play poker for money. What did you think, that I was playing for match sticks or something?
noob: But can you make as much money as a real job?
me: If I was making less than a real job, I'd go get a real job, duhhh.
noob: I don't understand how you can make money at it though.
me: Because you're an idiot. Luckily many other idiots exist in the world and they put money online and lose it to me playing poker.
noob: Well you're the idiot because if you want a loan or a mortgage the bank won't give it to you because you don't have a proper job.
me: What makes you think I'd ever need a loan or a f**king mortgage?


Can you teach me how make money playing poker?

me: I could, but it's not worth my while teaching a beginner. Go buy a book or something.
noob: What? Why won't you teach me?
me: Because i don't want to waste my valuable time explaining to you basic stuff like the difference between a straight and a flush.
noob: You're such an *******, I can't believe you don't want to teach me. I'm never talking to you about poker again.
me: Good, and if I ever want to learn how to scrape half-chewed bacon off plates in a greasy cafe I won't ask for your expert opinion either.


If I give you £100 can you double it up for me?

me: Why would I waste my time playing with your money when I could play with my own money?
noob: Well, I'll give you a cut of the winnings then.
me: Can't you see how dumb this is? Why don't you go put in a long shift at the factory and give me a cut of your wages?
noob: Come on, it won't take you long. Just double it up for me quick.
me: Oh really, and what if I lose it?
noob: What? I thought you were good.


What happens if/when you lose all your money?

me: I use pretty good bankroll management strategy, and based on my expected win rate its practically impossible for me to go bust.
noob: So, you have a system?
me: Well... OK, yes, it's a "system"
noob: The thing is, all gamblers lose all their money eventually. You should quit while you're ahead so you don't lose it all back. The house always wins in the end.
me: Thanks for that insight, would you like me to explain poker bankroll management in more detail?
noob: *ignores me* My uncle so-and-so had a "system" and he ended up getting into debt and losing his house. My auntie divorced him and now he sleeps on our sofa and works in Burger King 45 hours a week.
me: What? Oh my god, really? i never even knew that your uncle was a poker player?
noob: He was betting on the horses.
me: What the f**k has that got to do with poker?
noob: Well gambling's gambling.
me: Yeah you're right. Gambling's gambling. Hey, lets flip a coin, you win you get £1000 and if i win you get punched. Ok, heads I win, tales you lose, here we go....


Do you have a good poker face?

me: I play online. You know that I play online. People can't see my face you fool.
noob: Yeah but have you heard that "Poker Face" song?
me: Yeah, I hate it!
noob: But it's about YOU!
me: No, no it's not, now shut up.
noob: "cant read mah pa-pa-pa-pa-pooooker face. pokaaa faaaace"
me: Die in a fa-fa-fa fa-fa-fa-fire.
noob: But how can you tell when they are bluffing or not if you cant see their face?
me: sigh
noob: So if you can't see the other person is poker just luck on the computer then?
me: siiiiiiiiiigh


Won't the sites close your account if you keep winning money?

me: Why, why the hell would they?
noob: They don't want to keep losing money to you.
me: I'm not playing against the site, i'm playing against other people.
noob: Oh theres other people playing? so how do the sites make their money then?
me: YES there are other people playing goddamnit. And the sites make money because they take a cut of each pot or tournament.
noob: So the house always wins?
me: Yes the house always wins.
noob: I knew it!


How can you trust playing poker on a computer? They could be cheating you.

me: The sites I play on are trustworthy and well respected.
noob: But how do you really know they aren't cheating you?
me: They have no reason to. They make money out of each pot regardless of who wins so why would they risk their reputation and losing customers by cheating me?
noob: To make even more money.
me: Well I've been playing for years and consistantly winning. If they are cheating me they're doing a pretty terrible job at it.
noob: but i heard about this site called Ultimate Bet
me: ......... sighhhh *facepalm*
Daleroxxu is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-14-2009, 04:52 AM   #2
theichimaru
adept
 
theichimaru's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: East London, blad
Posts: 749
Re: 10 questions not to ask me about poker (beat: the stupid questions people ask me)

haha this post was long but quite nice. Next time, threadsavers plz
theichimaru is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-14-2009, 04:53 AM   #3
leprous_hand
unclean
 
leprous_hand's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: General Snus
Posts: 16,249
Re: 10 questions not to ask me about poker (beat: the stupid questions people ask me)

leprous_hand is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-14-2009, 05:00 AM   #4
Devilboy666
veteran
 
Devilboy666's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Sydney
Posts: 2,569
Re: 10 questions not to ask me about poker (beat: the stupid questions people ask me)

OP is a good summary of this epic thread imo

https://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/54...lay-poker-308/
Devilboy666 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-14-2009, 05:00 AM   #5
Daleroxxu
veteran
 
Daleroxxu's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 3,258
Re: 10 questions not to ask me about poker (beat: the stupid questions people ask me)

threadsaver as requested
Daleroxxu is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-14-2009, 05:01 AM   #6
billatthebar
newbie
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 33
Re: 10 questions not to ask me about poker (beat: the stupid questions people ask me)

Iits funny i think i dealt with all of them questions on a nearly daily basis at work, esp the 'double this 100 for me' lol - people just dont understand - reserve 10 copies of ur FAQ please...
billatthebar is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-14-2009, 05:04 AM   #7
davewuff
centurion
 
davewuff's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 146
Re: 10 questions not to ask me about poker (beat: the stupid questions people ask me)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Daleroxxu View Post
threadsaver as requested
THREAD SAVED !!!
davewuff is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-14-2009, 05:07 AM   #8
Number1Hater
 
Number1Hater's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 13,814
Re: 10 questions not to ask me about poker (beat: the stupid questions people ask me)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Daleroxxu View Post
noob: but i heard about this site called Ultimate Bet
me: ......... sighhhh *facepalm*
lol
Number1Hater is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-14-2009, 06:12 AM   #9
OMG its LUCKBOX
adept
 
OMG its LUCKBOX's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Poker blog in bio
Posts: 915
Re: 10 questions not to ask me about poker (beat: the stupid questions people ask me)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Daleroxxu View Post
noob: What? I thought you were good.
made me lol
OMG its LUCKBOX is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-14-2009, 06:50 AM   #10
Super_User
enthusiast
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Texas
Posts: 90
Re: 10 questions not to ask me about poker (beat: the stupid questions people ask me)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Daleroxxu View Post
threadsaver as requested
MMMM... Pepsi
Super_User is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-14-2009, 06:51 AM   #11
ghetto_clown
grinder
 
ghetto_clown's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 633
Re: 10 questions not to ask me about poker (beat: the stupid questions people ask me)

Nice post man.
ghetto_clown is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-14-2009, 07:02 AM   #12
Jabba021
veteran
 
Jabba021's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Melbourne, Australia.
Posts: 3,075
Re: 10 questions not to ask me about poker (beat: the stupid questions people ask me)

LOL great post A+
Jabba021 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-14-2009, 07:09 AM   #13
Mynyx
centurion
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Warsaw
Posts: 118
Re: 10 questions not to ask me about poker (beat: the stupid questions people ask me)

Yeaaah, sad but true. I can't stand any questions of this type any more.

But seriuosly, how much did you lose?
Mynyx is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-14-2009, 07:44 AM   #14
Jensern224
grinder
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Norway
Posts: 419
Re: 10 questions not to ask me about poker (beat: the stupid questions people ask me)

Nice post. They always ask how I can se if they are bluffing -_-'
Jensern224 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-14-2009, 07:45 AM   #15
Jubes
veteran
 
Jubes's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: shake it like you mean it
Posts: 2,171
Re: 10 questions not to ask me about poker (beat: the stupid questions people ask me)

Quote:
Originally Posted by leprous_hand View Post

so much better then the OP!


Op, did you make this all up ? it looks so fake
Jubes is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-14-2009, 07:51 AM   #16
Daleroxxu
veteran
 
Daleroxxu's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 3,258
Re: 10 questions not to ask me about poker (beat: the stupid questions people ask me)

no son, it was a real conversation I had with your mom
Daleroxxu is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-14-2009, 07:54 AM   #17
simpleme
journeyman
 
simpleme's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 221
Re: 10 questions not to ask me about poker (beat: the stupid questions people ask me)

5 stars i lolled
simpleme is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-14-2009, 08:47 AM   #18
Syndr0m
Carpal \'Tunnel
 
Syndr0m's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: China
Posts: 7,168
Re: 10 questions not to ask me about poker (beat: the stupid questions people ask me)

you're the one acting like an idiot though, those noobs are just ignorant

Quote:
If I give you £100 can you double it up for me?
hahah my friends asks me this one a lot
Syndr0m is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-14-2009, 10:16 AM   #19
Bel1eve
grinder
 
Bel1eve's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 518
Re: 10 questions not to ask me about poker (beat: the stupid questions people ask me)

Quote:
noob: So the house always wins?
me: Yes the house always wins.
noob: I knew it!
rigged
Bel1eve is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-14-2009, 11:52 AM   #20
banana182
grinder
 
banana182's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Tilt City
Posts: 496
Re: 10 questions not to ask me about poker (beat: the stupid questions people ask me)

Nice post, OP. I think you summed up the noob conversations pretty well.
banana182 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-14-2009, 12:03 PM   #21
harddeterminism
old hand
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 1,457
Re: 10 questions not to ask me about poker (beat: the stupid questions people ask me)

noobs are just curious dude. Yeah they don't understand poker, that's why they ask. Sure there are dumb questions, but there are dumb questions associated with any job. Think about the **** u ask taxi drivers on your way to and from the bars. I think ur just being an elitist ahole.
harddeterminism is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-14-2009, 12:11 PM   #22
cds0699
LOSING
 
cds0699's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 9,028
Re: 10 questions not to ask me about poker (beat: the stupid questions people ask me)

Solid, threadsaver rocks too!
cds0699 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-14-2009, 12:11 PM   #23
satfat
journeyman
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 223
Re: 10 questions not to ask me about poker (beat: the stupid questions people ask me)

ts;wra

good stuff
satfat is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-14-2009, 12:17 PM   #24
IM A FLiRT
adept
 
IM A FLiRT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: 180's
Posts: 1,056
Re: 10 questions not to ask me about poker (beat: the stupid questions people ask me)

Quote:
Originally Posted by banana182 View Post
Nice post, OP. I think you summed up the noob conversations pretty well.
This^
IM A FLiRT is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-14-2009, 12:24 PM   #25
Dropkick Murphy
grinder
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: a downswing
Posts: 431
Re: 10 questions not to ask me about poker (beat: the stupid questions people ask me)

Quote:
What's the most that you've ever won in a day/week/month/year?
"bout tree-fiddy"

Epic thread
Dropkick Murphy is offline   Reply With Quote

Reply
      

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 02:35 PM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2021, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright © 2008-2020, Two Plus Two Interactive