As the NFL season winds down, and Christmas approaches, it is a good time to express gratitude for the things in life that bring you joy. Family, friends, employment, and in my case, because I’m a bit different (some would use words like “weirdo,” “antisocial” and “*******”), stupid NFL coaches!!!
Before we get to this week’s games, let’s take a moment to appreciate just how dumb this profession is as a whole. While there are a lot of grossly overpaid people in America, I would argue there is absolutely no line of work with a higher average salary per IQ point than NFL head coaching. Consider this list:

Vance Joseph (lifted spirits with a kick that cost his team 30% winning percentage last week)



Dan Quinn (literally could have kneeled out the Super Bowl)



Ron Rivera (no explanation needed)

Marvin Lewis (see above)

Jason Garrett

Pat Schurmur (did the Giants lose the tape of his Browns tenure?)



Mike Tomlin



Joe Philbin



That’s 25% of the league coached by brain dead special needs morons. And there isn’t a single smart coach in the league. Not one. Don’t tell me Belichick knows what he’s doing. He doesn’t, and if you disagree go watch the last :30 of the Dolphins game.

Which brings me to my next point: the owners. It isn’t just a moral disaster to have these franchises owned by these people, it makes the product worse. If any NFL owners are reading this, I know what you’re thinking and the answer is yes, I will work for you for the bargain basement price of $250,000 per year (less than the league minimum!), and increase your aggregate win probability by more than any non-quarterback in the league. PM me.

On to this week’s games.

Redskins at Titans -10

At some point during this season I figured it wasn’t fair to the Titans players to constantly call them boring and say nobody would notice if the franchise went the way of Roger Ailes. After watching 3-4 Titans games closely, I can now confirm that the Titans are boring and nobody would notice if they died in shame. Which, coincidentally, is what absolutely everyone on earth wishes would happen to Dan Snyder.

Ravens at Chargers -4.5

Man does this feel familiar. Rivers playing great, fantastic stats, “home” field in sight, absolute dolt coach. I don’t think we’ve reached PEAK #1 CHARGERS yet, but we’re close. There is no franchise on earth more guaranteed to blow it in hilarious fashion.

Speaking of familiar, Lamar Jackson must be getting mentored by RGIII on how to die on a football field. This 15+ carries a game thing is not going to work. Also, the Ravens have played the 5 worst rushing defenses in the league since he became the starter. This team is massively overrated.

Giants at Colts -9

Let’s talk for a minute about Jim Irsay.



Of course, Jim’s only accomplishment in life was being born to his father. In 2014, Jim’s mistress died of an overdose in Jim’s house. He then skipped her funeral. Jim has been a drug addict for 20 years and absolutely nothing has happened to him. Seems legit in a league where smoking pot gets you banned. Shout out to the taxpayers of Indianapolis for building this asshat a $720 million stadium for free.

Bills at Patriots -13

It is so nice to see Robert Kraft honoring his late wife by shacking up with Ricki Lander. For those unaware, Ricki is a “designer, actress, entrepreneur and model.” Do these women actually think there is a single person on earth who sees that and thinks anything other than “sucks Robert Kraft’s micropenis for money?”



Vikings at Lions +6

Time for our weekly MATT FATRICIA UPDATE!!!!! Tell me there isn’t a similarity here (and note the pencil/laminate combo!):





I continue to believe the Vikings can be good; believe they are severely underrated in betting markets. The Lions should be tanking here.

Tampa at Dallas -7

Shout out to the Buccaneers for failing to cover by half a point twice in a row. I didn’t need that money to pay rent or anything. Continue to believe Tampa is undervalued by the market. Dak sucks.

Texans at Eagles -2.5

This line opened Texans -1 because apparently Vegas didn’t watch BDN last year. On a totally sincere note, which I acknowledge is rare for me, Nick Foles seems like a genuinely good person. He talks a lot about gratitude and is basically the exact opposite of most of these jerks we watch every week.

Can Dallas still lose the division to the Eagles? Because that would be grrrrrreat.

Bengals at Browns -8.5

They can’t keep Marvin, can they? Really? I guess when you realize the “they” is Mike Brown, it all comes together.

Jags at Dolphins -4.5

I bet the Jags last week and under no circumstances am I ever doing that again.

Bears at 49ers -4

I’m sure the sharps will be all over SF here but 4 is not very many points. I continue to think the Bears are complete frauds. I’m sure I’ll end up betting SF, who am I kidding. 5 years ago this line would have been 7.5, annoying.

Rams at Cardinals +14

The Cardinals owner is Bill Bidwill, who attended the same high school as Rapey McDrunkface, aka Justice Brett Kavanaugh. Bill thinks the players should “stick to sports” and shut the hell up, but of course he publicly endorsed Kavanaugh.

I am puzzled by the Rams and can conclude only that Cooper Kupp should win the MVP.

Steelers at Saints -6

Game of the week should be fun. I know we all love to rip the Steelers but they are a great villain and highly entertaining. My life would be worse without Rape and Tomlin in the NFL. What’s the plan for New Orleans with global warming?

DRU outkicked the coverage:



Chiefs at Seahawks +2.5

I expect the sharps to be all over Seattle here, with the public pounding the Chiefs. Tease Seattle up to 8.5, perhaps with the Texans or Browns. Pro tip – Wong teasers (thru 3 and 7) win more when you tease up than down. You’re welcome.

Broncos at Raiders +2.5

A fitting end (hopefully) for the absolute worst announcing crew in television history.

Enjoy!

Probable last game in Oakland

Good. Oakland sucks. Long live Vegas! ...or wherever the Raiders will play next year.

and to bring it all full circle, the guy who used to have that job has intentionally decided to go all SPIDER 2 Y BANANA with the literal WOAT QB, because he's down with that ****ty song they play before games, what a league



epic

Am I seeing this wrong? 49ers are -4 ?

I know ****ting on Gruden is the hip thing to do but Peterman is just a lol non-story that is being exaggerated for clicks

yeah, we're probably being too hard on him...

but hey, that dink who coaches the LolBills says that the Peter Man is like the Joe Montana of practice or whatever, so it's probably a grate move

LOL'd, will LOL again

I feel bad for Ina Garten, by all accounts she's a very nice lady. And here she is getting compared week after week to an incompetent schmuck whose only identifiable traits are being fat, bearded and dumb.

Also: Looks like Cam might get shut down for the season, lol Panthazzz

he should have been shut down 15 weeks ago

Redskins at Titans, national TV game.

Way to go, Rog.

8-6 against 7-7, both teams in playoff contention? thats... perfectly fine

so you're gonna watch it then?

yeah most likely

I am. Hell, yeah. It's way better than helping wrap Christmas presents.

Thank you, ROG!

ETA: Another great OP!

lol redskins

I got Ravens in a close one.

Come with me if you want to live.

I think the party ends for Lamar Jackson today. Only a matter of time before he gets Shanny'd.

a non-aids announcing crew in theory

good start

Just once would love to hear "____ had a terrible week of practice, and lets be honest, he was bagging groceries a month ago, fully expect an atrocious performance"

lol easy td if he doesn't overthrow him

free play and he runs for 5 yards
**** launch it into the endzone

These announcers are MNF level

How the hell did this team win 7 games?

It was even better when they inadvertently (I think) had the audio turned off for a bit during their pre-game spiel.