After the thrills of football not coming home from Russia at the World Cup, we get back to another Premier League season.



It is Premier League time!!!!! Featuring no extra time or penalties for our casual viewers



Thats right, fast kickin', low scorin', and ties?!?!?! YOU BET!!!!!!

There will be goal-line technology as per usual, but DON'T MENTION THE VAR!!!!


"I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it alright"


Fixtures

http://www.skysports.com/premier-league-fixtures

Week 1 fixtures

[darts voice] So based on that, its time to meet the players....



THE CONTENDERS
NOTE: Phrase used loosely for five of the six options

MANCHESTER CITY





American comparison: Golden State Warriors

Set the record for the biggest winning margin (19 points) most points (100 points out of a possible 114) most points away from home (50 points) and generally stomped over the league. Odds on favourite to do so again.

Like GSW adding Kevin Durant to a record setting team in 2016, they also added this guy this year to an already fairly stacked lineup



Kante won a league after leaving Leicester, and it is reasonably likely that City will win again. Damn it.

PREDICTION: Stomp the league, bust out of the Champions League in the Quarters after scoring 25 goals in 6 games in the group stage. 8bus posts a lot live in thread including somehow remaining unspoiled during replays (a talent I wish I had)

Fans

8bus
PNHH
daca
Wilfred1


LIVERPOOL





Arguably the most fun front three in the league, with Mo Salah setting the Premier League scoring record last year and Roberto Firmino and Sadio Mane combining to score all the goals. Haven't won a title in over 25 years which would make them

American Comparison: San Francisco 49ers

San Francisco haven't won the league in over 20 years, wear red, and have come close a few times the last few years.



Have added Naby Keita, Fabinho and Xherdan Shaqiri to a reasonable squad, and justifiably enough are the second biggest threats to title.

PREDICTION:


but still comfortable enough for them to make the top 4 and have one or two mystical Anfield nights before crashing out likely due to a goalkeeping or defensive error

(2018 and this was the best quality I could find? Ridiculous)



Fans

Consty
LFC_USA
NicReynolds
Liverpool
heh
valenzuela
BertieWooster
Jake7777
ChrisV
PBAL
StormBorn
Dean Manifest

MANCHESTER UNITED





New kit is completely terrible and goes against the United tradition of red shirt, white shorts, black socks. But eh, gotta do what the big American car company probably wants (theories abound that the front of the jersey is the front of a chevrolet)





American Comparison: New York Knicks

(this series is incredible and is a much watch if you follow either NBA or Game of Thrones)

About the team, well, lol. Have spent some ridiculous money on a hodgepodge of players with no real cohesion or long term plan. Why???



You tell me. Triangles may or may not be involved.

Mourinho probably said we needed to sign "a lot" of players, and accidentally ended up with Diogo Dalot instead... Also signed some guy named Fred, and Tom, Dick and Harry are around the corner.

PREDICTION: Least amount of goals out of the big 6 by a mile. Terrible to watch, will grind out a bunch of 1-0's and Mourinho will be a tosser. Decisions against United to make an appearance by October.

Fans

kevin21
kingweed
xXDeuce7Xx
EnglishLad72
t3hbandit
JoeDiego
SenseiSingh
ashley12
thedeezy
Sven O
KDawg
Hap_Hazard

TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR


Lads....



Provided a relatively large contingent of Englands 4th place finish at the World Cup. And will continue on with a team of....



Plus Son and 6 other outfield players. No new additions so far as per the offical site



Still playing at Wembley, so going out in Europe because of a lack of squad depth will be excellently blamed on something something playing out of arguably the best stadium in the world

American Comparison: Green Bay Packers

Both teams have won one title in the last 15 years (A League Cup is roughly
the same as an NFL title by way of importance). A few great individual pieces probably being ruined by owners being relatively frugal in free agency/net spend compared to others.

PREDICTION: Go out in the group stage of Europe and team falls out of the top 4 due to not running pure with injuries to their best handful of players.

Fans

mw828
Human Halo
ChopSueyyy
Elrazor
martymc1
Lars1
Stu Ungar
thedinergetsby
ikestoys
thenickh
Empire Man
TheGramuel

CHELSEA



The loan system is a hell of a drug... Here is a list of their current releases...

Some big names, how can they possibly expect to compete???

Rumours abound about whether they can or will keep Eden Hazard, with offers from Real Madrid and Barcelona reported. With Real Madrid losing Cristiano Ronaldo (you might have heard of him) it can easily be understood why they would be keen.

Other than that no one bought in, and they sacked their manager who had had the best winning record with them of all time in Antonio Conte. Lets check out the new manager under the BOIDS management theorm

Fancy Name?: Maurizio Sarri. Pretty solid, irst name sounds a bit like Mauricio Pocchettino, and he is pretty good apparently.

Nationality: Italian... They didn't make the World Cup, probably a bad thing

Hair:


I predict bad things for Sarri and doubt he lasts two years.

American Comparison: Los Angeles Lakers 2011-2017

Absolute mess off field going through managers like underwear (remember when we all thought D'Antoni was a terrible coach?). Probably should compare them to Brooklyn in terms of having no hope from 2015-forever because of trades but that would be harsh.

PREDICTION: Fans and players have trouble adjusting to playing on Thursday nights with a cold midweek night in Skopje or Baku making Stoke look like sunny Spain by comparison.

Fans

Cinarocket ?
ZAIDS
O.A.F.K.1.1
72off
Yippee ki-yay
Bjorn ?
Wooders0n
Ghost of Langer

ARSENAL

The manager is Arsene Wenger apparently somebody else. That is news to me, lets have a look who he is.



Hmmm, anal. Probably a good management quality but who knows.

About the team itself



Probably still true, would have to ask the xG if that is correct or not. All I know is that the guy running the shirt press machine is going to have a field day

I would back myself in to spell Leno correctly but 1/5 apparently isn't good.

American Comparison: Peyton Manning Era Colts 1998-2010 (excluding the year they somehow came up against Sexy Rex Grossman in the Super Bowl)

The team will play pretty, score some nice goals and have some solid wins when they score early in games, but in the end will likely be outside the top 4 because they struggle to breakdown teams that push the defence button, in the same way the Colts hated the Patriots for their DB play in the 00s.

PREDICTION: They start the season home vs City and away vs Chelsea, so could be bottom after two weeks. Unfortunately, they won't get relegated and will likely finish in the Europa League positions again

Fans

Mindfckr
Ducksauce
cashy (probably when not busy)
aoFrantic
PoseidonCubed
raheem
Giroudgeous
theshocker7
kingofcool
Adolph Hipster
Aidan
marek_heinz
Nandos v2
Ledders
ceire
Noze (20 troll posts per season)
AngerPush

THE REST

Frankly, I am a bit tired of writing up this masterpiece/waste of a few hours, so will leave the rest in one big clump to spend their time in the 3pm Saturday slot in games unwatched by the masses as everyone instead gears up for Manchester City putting 7 past whoever they play at 5:30pm. End of the day the other 14 teams are all going to try and not get relegated or have their teams change ownership or move towns (like Wimbledon and MK Dons years ago), which I guess makes them all the Cleveland Browns.

FANS

Der Markt to win the League (British, American and then decimal odds)

Manchester City: 8/11 or -137.50 or $1.72
Liverpool: 5/1 or +500 or $6.00
Manchester United: 7/1 or +700 or $8.00
Chelsea: 14/1 or +1400 or $15.00
Tottenham: 16/1 or +1600 or $17.00
Arsenal: 25/1 or +2500 or zero chance

Der Markt to get relegated
Cardiff: 4/5
Huddersfield: 5/4
Fulham: 15/8
Brighton: 9/4
Watford: 3/1
Burnley: 9/2
Bournemouth: 5/1

Let us gogogogogogogo

LÖL EPLÖL

Also, I'll do it. I'll mention the VAR. Not a secret any more that I think it's AIDS. But during the WC final I made a post that probably not many people noticed, due to the live-blogging nature of the thing.

So for some actual discussion:
VAR is supposed to cut down on the number of controversial calls, and to clarify grey-area decisions. I think the way it was handled at the WC does the exact opposite. Not only did they manage to make the wrong calls more than once even after viewing video of the event (which is lolwtf, but ok, referee is an imbecile, what can you do), but its very implementation is creating a new grey-area:

"Will we review this play or not?"

This is such utter AIDS, I don't even know how to contend my anger about it. You can't review every play, because football is a fluid sport. So we draw lines based on interpretable criteria as to which plays we review and which we don't. Thereby we're shifting the controversy, not eliminating it or even cutting down on it.

VAR is AIDS.

What do you guys think?

In for Portugal FC bandwagon in the form of Wolverhampton Wanderers Football Club.

let us BLITW

Think I'd have said the Toronto Raptors for Spurs. Their fans always get excited about their talent but never actually win anything and always choke down the line.

If you're doing the American comparison, shame on you for not including this:

Just so there isn't any confusion - VAR won't be used in EPL this season.

I found it's most obvious mistake in the WC to be that it didn't give authority to the main VAR ref. There is no reason for the ref to run to the screen and make the call himself, it would be faster if it got decided in the VAR-room and the calls would be better as hedging out big decisions to different refs seems like a feature not a bug but I'm young like that.

Goal line tech is brilliant and I'm kinda surprised that something like that isn't already existing for offsides. Even if you got the main replay and a guy made a decision just based on that in ten seconds, that would be pretty good. So VAR only looking for offside goals might be better than the status quo in the EPL.

I don't agree that it doesn't cut down controversial calls, at least not when you factor for how big the calls are. It was pretty effective in removing stuff like people scoring with their hands or from a classical offside position. But I agree that you have the main ref looking like a dildo with the finger in his ear for way too long and the ambiguity of what gets reviewed is a good critique too. All in all, I wouldn't prefer the WC VAR for the league but I have hopes for a reformed VAR one day.

I find pandering to Americans to be pretty lol but United being Knicks is a pretty good shat.

Lol'd at marty the spud

It's on like Donkey Kong.

So jelly - good luck slugging it out with Arsenal and Burnley for 5th

1. City
2. Plop
3. Chelsea
4. Spuds
5. Man Utd
6. Arsenal
15. Burnley
West Ham anywhere between 7th and 20th, hard to say.

1. City
2. Arsenal
3. Plop
4. Wolves
5. Man Utd
6. Spurs
7. West Ham
8. Palace
9. Everton
10. Chelsea
17. Leicester
Relegated. Cardiff, Huddersfield, Bournemouth

1. City
2. United
3. Plop
4. Arse
5. Spuds
6. Chelsea
20. Cardiff

1 Man City
2 Man Utd
3 Plop
4 Chelsea
5 Spurs
6 Arsenal
7 Burnley
T
h
e
R
e
s
t
18 Wolves
19 Huddersfield
20 Cardiff

Looks like the market have finally cottoned on that Burnley aren't a terrible side. Gonna have to find other ways to make money off you mugs this season.

i hate money so will probably lay them for a bit if the market is bullish on them. Are the team handicap spreads out yet?

Couldn't find them with a quick Google.

I actually think the market might have moved a bit too far on us, especially given our lack of activity in the transfer market so far and potential Thursday night football. Wolves look massively overrated to me.

I reckon I should IN on the ground floor of this fine thread

What's o/u on Kane's goals this year. May fancy the under.

Ya it's pretty cool how the market has Burnley right where last years xG models had them and how they seem consistent with the idea that they ran hotter than the sun.

Ok, here's a proposal.

I'd like to bet that Burnley outperform xG this season.

In for another horrible season of wanting Mike Ashley to die

Allison fee agreed. Title imminent

Bookmarked.