As a niners fan I have spent this entire offseason in a silent rage

The last 20 years of being a niners fan has been an agony unlike any any franchise has ever come across. You can sit there and bemoan being a browns fan or a lions fan or blah blah blah **** you. The reality is in this period of time has blueballed no fanbase more than us *******s.

I sat through Mike Nolan. I sat through Smith over Rodgers. I sat through Mike ****ing god damned cockbreath Singletary. And then…

2011: Kyle Williams single handedly loses the NFCCG by botching returns not once but ****ing twice against the shittiest super bowl champion history has ever seen
2012: Turtle****er has no concept for the play clock and somehow someway I have to sit there and watch Joe Flacco become a super bowl champion
2013: Richard Sherman goes full WWE promo because he tips away a potential game winner in the NFCCG
2014-2017: because of the shittiest GM who has ever breathed air (needle can attest), I end up with 3 years of watching Chip Kelly and something called a Jim Tomsula coach this team into nothingness
2018: thinking he is so ****ing smart that he can trade for someone and flip him later, Lynch trades a 2nd for Jimmy mother****ing Womp
2019: 10 point lead in the 4th quarter of the Super Bowl? Watch me work
2020: lol
2021: 10 point lead in the 4th quarter of the NFCCG? Watch me work

Which brings us to last year. Somehow, despite everything that happened for TWENTY ****ING YEARS this cut deepest. This wasn’t even fair. I thought I was done with Jimmy. I wasn’t. The guy we traded 3 1sts for went down for the year and we ended up with him long enough for him to be such a fiasco he lost to Denver by Orlovskying before going down for the year and letting the last pick of the draft be the qb

And the last pick of the draft went 10-0

And the last pick of the draft had a shot at taking the niners to the ****ing super bowl

And he broke his elbow

And by halftime the only other qb on the roster had a concussion

And in something unlike anything I have ever seen in my ENTIRE ****ING LIFE a conference title game was being played without a qb

After thinking about this for a few months preparing myself for this season I have decided one thing and one thing only: **** each and every last one of you

With that in mind, welcome to the 2023 NFL Season

Your contenders:

1. Kansas City Chiefs: +600

Get ****ed. **** your Kermit ass QB, **** your morbidly obese coach who can’t keep his own children alive, **** your Kermit ass QB’s brother who sounds like a sexual predator, **** your Kermit ass QB’s wife who sounds like she cucks Kermit on the regular while posting thirst traps for the gram

**** your fanbase. **** your chop that you still do in the year of our lord 2023 for reasons I will never understand. **** your city, **** your state(s). I don’t give a **** if you claim the Chiefs from Kansas or Missouri, you’re a sack of ****. I had to watch you win a super bowl because your woman beating speedster broke open on Richard Sherman who is a man I want to see choke on his own delusion until the final ounce of life leaves his body. I hate you. I will always hate you

2. Philadelphia Eagles: +800

Get your ****ing ass out of here. Josh Johnson was drawing live to beat you until he got a concussion. JOSH JOHNSON! That buffoon has played for 47 football teams in 4 years. Neat little story. **** you anyway. Always Sunny has no redeeming characters cuz everyone in Philly is a malcontent POS. You have a jail in your stadiums. Trea Turner needed to buy billboard advertising to beg you to stop sending his family death threats. The only solace I have in the 9ers losing the NFCCG is you didn’t win the Super Bowl

3. San Francisco 49ers: +1000

I ****ing hate 9er fans with a fire that burns from 20000 suns. Your average 9er fan? Calling into SPORTS TALK RADIO to say Lynch should be lynched and Kyle should be fired because blah blah blah 3 1st round picks for lance blah blah blah Jimmy was the guy who coulda won the super bowl blah blah blah. I’m stuck sitting here rooting for a team whose best player is a Proud Boy. Our QB is from Iowa by way of Arizona so I already know before he opens his mouth he’s right there with Bosa. I visited Levis last year to watch the Rams game and somehow ended up in some insane wind tunnel directly underneath the pathway for where planes land in San Jose international 5 miles away. I was also watching a game in the parking lot of an amusement park for $400/ticket + $60 for a beer and chicken tenders. **** my ****ing life

4. Cincinnati Bengals: +1100

You dipshits give Paul Brown your hard earned money of which you have none. ****ing simps. Skyline chili is the stupidest **** I have ever heard of. You fat ****s sit at the alter of Joe Burrow despite the fact that he’s basically Boomer Esiason with a cigar. Have fun with that. You’re about to make him the highest paid NFL player of all time and there’s a 50/50 chance he’ll have some sort of leg injury that knocks him out for the next 7 seasons.

Also I drafted Chase last year and he was ****. So **** him. **** you too

5. Dallas Cowboys: +1500

Give me a second here….

I hate every single human being associated with this franchise and nothing gets my cock harder than knowing they have spent the last 2 years watching this team lose to the 9ers in the playoffs in the stupidest way imaginable BOTH ****ING TIMES! I have no sympathy for you. I go to sleep every night hoping Jerry Jones dies and wake up every morning furious he hasn’t. You employ Mike McCarthy. You pay some “mental health day” snowflake named Dakota an ungodly sum of money to win never. Micah Parsons gives heavy Clayton Bigsby vibes only Micah knows he’s black.

And the fans of this franchise?

Holy **** you ****ing loser ass dipshits in your loser ass city and your bumass state. If there was a just and loving god Texas would be ethered from existence and we wouldn’t have to pretend you how bout dem cowboy hicks have anything to say that we need to listen to. I will take a personal day when Jimmy Johnson dies to spend it all masturbating

6-32. Who gives a living ****

**** the Jets. Congrats on landing the immunized one. Can’t wait til you turn on him

**** the Ravens. You paid Lamar. Enjoy watching him do nothing

**** the Dolphins. I’m not certain Tua isn’t braindead as of this post

**** all of you. Let us football

Now THAT'S what I'm talking about!

Let us football indeed!

32. Buffalo Bills: +10000000000000000

The amount of men who come to a Bills fan with a dildo genuinely startles me. What in the **** is wrong with you alcoholic degenerates. Or are you all just mad because you've been replaced by your significant other by a latex tube and this is your revenge stealing it just to throw it on the field? You dipshits would open your ******* to receive Josh Allen's cum while still simultaneously being homophobic to a degree that can only imply you want the cock.

look, there's nothing wrong with that. Just be honest with yourselves.

You jump through tables because you think it'll impress the whales you brought to your tailgate party. Don't worry dude, you've already impressed her by feeding her fat ass a tub of wings. Stop putting in 500% effort to impress someone when just dousing your dick with bbq sauce will be sufficient. She may bite your dick off afterwards but it'll be the best head you ever got

As for your team? You ****ing losers. **** your "mafia." you are a "mafia" in the same way a homeless encampment is a "mafia." That your identity lives or dies with the achievements of this team really shows that nobody goes to upstate New York for any other reason than to die of depression or alcoholism. This team lost 4 super bowls in a row and once upon a time i felt bad for the fanbase who had to absorb it but today i just laugh my ****ing ass off at you for it. You keep thirsting or the idea that Josh Allen is the god damn messiah when really the only difference between him and that ****ing loser Jim Kelly is Allen still has entire jaw

You will never win. Accept it and move on with your life. Take up something constructive like stamp collections or something. Your team blows. Your team chokes. Your fanbase is a disgusting hodgepodge of the lowest common denominator American society has to offer

**** you

nate's cool tho

Now This (!) is a thread I will Not (!) be Nuking into Bolivia's Orbit.

The slowroll of dissing the Bills was beyond epic.

in for another season of crushing disappointment

Can't wait to see the Jets fail

I’m here for this. Let us football, indeed.

SRM seemingly not a fan of the Bungles or JOE Cool

i have heard them referred to as queersearch

How bout them Cowboys?!

Biggest laugh: Boomer with a cigar.

Excellent job SRM, except the part about Tx of course.

Tx sounds like the version of Rx hawked by the likes of Dr. Frank Thomas and Doogie Flutie, M.D.
how's your generic textosterone recipe with all the hype to start but in a state of unreliable power when it comes to finishing?

still hoping SRM slides into the 53. Chargers DMs

Yes.

No.

Whatever

I thought some 53. Chargers fans might like a word with SRM re: the first two paragraphs in the OP. Certainly they deserve to be lumped with the Browns and Lions, no?

He already amassed close to $2mil in fines including the missed workout bonus. But now that training camp is over, he might actually show up to avoid the additional almost one million he would have to pay if he didn't report before the first game.

Right now I doubt there's going to be a deal before the season. If they want to tag him next year that would be roughly $31.5mil.

my imagination is nowhere close to SRM delirium
it's just not the same unless he's the one allowed to draw the rorschach tests with crayons

Fortunately for all of us his fever rarely breaks.

1994 was the last season the 29ers won the super bowl
what's 1994+29?

Steelers have a cakewalk tonight, taking on the #32 Buffalolololol Bills.

Falcons.

Undefeated* in the preseason so far

Incredible OP. Lifetime unlimited two plus two membership

Seems like a new avatar might be in store. Big Cock Brock would be fun, especially for the inevitable midseason QB controversy chaos. They do have two top 3 picks and Mr Irrelevant, what could go wrong? Sounds like a bad porn. Womp could join too.

Amazing.

Lettuce NFL

The best thing in the whole wide world would be Womp going to the lowly Raidahs and winning the whole mother****ing thing. I believe I would take another 20 years of Cowboy mediocrity to have that happen to SRM, just so I could giggle a little.