***Official Statement on the Decision Not To Punish The University of North Carolina***
We believe that the University of North Carolina, often referred to as "The Tar Heels" which is a moniker presumably associated with the 17th-century African slave trade, represents the finest in academic excellence that an NCAA member program has to offer. Much like the aforementioned slave trade, "The Tar Heels" are synonymous with everything that is great about America. We encourage more schools to follow the shining example that "The Tar Heels" have set as they represent one of the truly admirable programs of our time and of all time, both in our universe as well as in universes yet to be discovered. We believe that we may expect great things from the triple-digit-IQ student athletes that "The Tar Heels" turns out, particularly those who have been so blessed as to have been selected to be part of its basketball program. As long as North Carolina Basketball is around, cancer itself should be worried as its days are numbered.
We will have no further comment on this case except to once again express our congratulations to "The Tar Heels" for running such an exemplary program and to encourage others to follow it its pristine footsteps.