Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 3,733
While I'm driving. While walking through the grocery store. Hell, sometimes I even walk around at work just looking for females. It's ingrained and almost seems natural (genetic predilections notwithstanding) that if I see long hair and a slim body I'm going to soak in as much of that scene as I can comfortably get away with. That said, I'm a male feminist, who preaches the disparity between male and female roles in society with a sympathetic view towards the pressures of life as a woman.
The fact that I can understand and empathize with half the world's population and the roles society forces upon them doesn't stop me from thinking with my dick about 90% of the time tho.
My father, from the time I could walk and talk, pointed out every woman he saw with a "look here" or "look-a there" to me, urging me to adopt an objectifying perspective. I chalk it up to his desperately not wanting me to be gay, but what I'm left with is an intense desire to own every beautiful woman I see, not for who they are as a person, but as some sort of sex-possession and icon of sexual identity.
The joke among the men in my family is that we want a super-hot sexpot to **** every time we want to (she has no say in the matter), who otherwise stands in the closet and waits for us to **** her... along with doing all the chores around the house. And it has actually translated into a competition among us as to who could come the closest to this dream. (Don't let that woman have a say in your house, etc)
My sexual experiences have consisted of various methods of me trying to trick a female into letting me have sex with her. And while I have never physically assaulted anyone, I truly wonder if the recent revelations of rampant sexual misconduct around the country pique my interest because of some noble want to protect women from the men I couldn't be like, or if it's simply some form of voyeurism on my part.
If I didn't have an overriding sense of humanity I hate to think what kind of tyrannical abuser I might have become.
My hard-ass army vet/cop male family members engage in "locker room banter" about not just women, but also their wanting to take perceived male rivals and "bend them over and show them what I real man is". From what I gather from these sessions, these men project an air of authority which cannot be denied. It's a sense of self-justified superiority that seems to result in their manufacturing consent through various forms of coercion.
Almost regardless of how I want to be wrt feminism, between my nature and my nurture, I can't quite get myself out of casually hunting for living sex-toys.
Is this what is meant by toxic masculinity? Am I alone in this internal conflict?
