Pretty simple poll for an incredibly complex topic, which of course is how it should be.

My family has shrunk and spread as I've aged. I now count five family members: brother and sister in law, an aunt, my dad and my sister. I would not say I'm close with any of them.

How do other people approach this? .... the older I get, the more these people become names on the other end of an email. They aren't in my daily life.

Most of the time, this does not bother me. I love these people and communicate with them, but I acknowledge we're not close or essential to one another's lives. But sometimes I wonder if this isn't a big mistake.

Haven't seen my father, sister or aunt in three years, when I stopped attending an annual family get together.

I'm close-ish to a couple of members of my family. Others (aunts and uncles) I don't remember their names, and cousins I don't think I ever knew their names.

I kind of agree with the "sometimes I wonder if this isn't a big mistake" part, but I don't have a lot of time and energy for trying to make connections, and I don't see the point in faking it on FaceBook.

OTOH, still very close to my mom and sister. We don't talk all the time, but when we do we catch up on everything.

No, not close at all. I talk to my mom maybe 2-3 times a month. My childhood was pretty terrible at times but I did get a sense of normalcy from living with my grandparents for 6 years when I was young. My grandmother passed when I was 20, my grandad passed this past Father's day. It seems like for a lot of friends that I have that grew up similarly, once their elders die, the family doesn't stay close. Looking back on things, my family always treated me different when I was younger because I was the product of an affair that my dad had with my mom. Dad was never around growing up. When I see people that have a very close loving family, I get so jealous. Not in a spiteful way, but more in a "wow that seems so attainable, how did it miss me?" type of way.

I’m close with my stepmother, brother, sister, wife, and both daughters. Fairly close with one niece and one nephew. Both natural parents passed away; when they were alive, I was close with my father but not my mother.

I talk to my brother several times a week and our families see each other once a month or so. He lives fairly close. I talk to my sister once a week or so, and my stepmother about the same. My elder daughter is in college and I take to her a couple of times a week. My younger daughter is a junior in high school and we have a close relationship.

My brother and I did not get along growing up, but we like one another as adults.

I'm close to my Dad. He lives on the other coast but we talk at least once a week. He visits us 2-4 times a year. My Mom died nine years ago.

Not close to my sister. We have no problems with each other (at least I have no problems with her), we just are very different people and both have busy lives 3000 miles away from each other. We talk probably 4 times a year and try to get the families together over the holidays, but this year may be the second in a row where that doesn't happen.

And that's pretty much it. Aunts and Uncles are all gone (was only "close" to a couple of them anyway) and I am not in regular touch with any cousins (and never really was).

I am really glad I'm close to my Dad. I would say we had a good father/son relationship prior to my Mom's passing, but after that (and after I got sober) we became actually close as people. I consider him a friend and I think he'd say the same about me.

My family seems to be getting shorter and fatter too, except for me.

I'm not close with my family at all. I used to see my mom's side of the family at thanksgiving and xmas and my dad's side of the family at xmas. I haven't gone to any family gathering for 3 years. It's not that I have a really strong opinion about most of them, there's only one uncle that I don't like, it's that I can't stand being in the same room with my mom, and she's always oing to be there.

I have a brother who's been living in europe for the last 10ish years with his wife and 3 kids. The only communication I've had with him is mabe 4-5 emails within the last 5 years. I do wish I could see them more.

I'm more of a troubled loner type than a team player type so no, not that close. Not estranged though, that's something.

Growing up we spent most of our time with my mother's family and little with my father's, even though most everybody from both was in the same small town.

I don't know the reason why, I don't think it was any dislike or anything. Was always pleasant when I happened upon dad's family, we just never made a point of holidays or any other get-togethers.

Now almost all of my mother's side is gone. Not sure about my dad's side, as we weren't close to start with, so haven't kept in touch. My surviving brother and I both moved about 1100 miles away (but about 5 miles apart), so we get together pretty often, but for Mom and our remaining uncle and aunt in my hometown, it's pretty much phone calls and the occasional trip back up there to visit.

So, I wouldn't say "close", but we're pretty unemotional upper Midwestern types. I'd say more like we care about each other, but the geographical distance makes doing a lot for them difficult. Not sure how to really put it into words.

I picked the three dots option because I have no idea what it means and felt it was fitting.

I just wanted to see the results.

"Bastard" would have been the perfect third poll option for this poll. How dare you.

nice

I'm nice to all of them, but I wouldn't talk about anything remotely serious with any of them. Am legitimately very close to my wife.

Close enough imo.

I had a very similar situation when I was growing up. My sister and I would spend weeks with my grandparents on my mom's side, saw them all holidays, they were very present--despite living three hours away. My dad's parents lived in the next town, and we almost never saw them.

Nope both physically and emotionally.

I love them but they have their own lives and are pretty busy.

I lost a sibling almost a decade ago, and that has changed the family dynamic a lot. Having seen what my parents went through, I do everything I can to try and be around them so they don't think about what happened too much. Being able to give them grandchildren to experience life with has been a true blessing.

i picked no because i really cant wait to get away from them more. its cool to meet up for dinners or vacations with my dad but thats about it. which 2 years ago would have been the opposite as we didnt speak. i cant stand time around my mom and sisters that much because we disagree about basically everything. i havent seen extended family in about 10 years.

parents separated when i was 5 but got along "well" enough when we were kids, each making low-mid 6 figs so that money wasnt ever the issue

Interesting topic, Sapo.

I recently had a thought that came with a hint of sadness and regret, which I found odd, that at age 31, there are less than 10 people from the first 25 years of my life that are even remotely relevant to my life. Not one of them do I see more than 4-5 times a year. And most live within a couple hundred miles.

When I think of my tribe, few of them are family.


Honestly America makes the tribe a *****. **** this place. Everyone is a slave to the ego, hence the drug addiction and every other self gratification device. The tribe is dead here and it's sad cuz it's super important to the hominid animal.

Really Identify with this.

I have 2 older siblings (+10 years), and 2 younger (-10 years), all geographically separate. We connect on the phone periodically. Never too close to my parents either.

But over the last 5 years or so I've developed a pretty tight personal family of individuals that aren't related but fill that family gap.

Both of my parents died before I was 25. I have 5 brothers and sisters. I'm close to all but I don't talk daily to them. But when we see each other, we all pick up right where we left off. Extended family I see like once every few years. But there's no one I actively dislike or ignore.

It's funny, poll parents in America and every one will tell you how much their children are everything to them, how much they love them, and how they would do anything in the world for them because "There's no greater love than one between parent and child". They'll also tell single people without children "You have no idea how it will change your life.... for the better though", "having children will make you such a great person".

....but almost everyone I've ever been close to in life has these horror stories of how terrible their parents were to them and/or stories of abuse/molestation from relatives & friends of the family. Maybe being a loner/bastard my whole life naturally gravitated me to people who share these commonalities. I would really like to know when this shift from "OMG I love my kids, I'll do anything for them!" to being cold and callous enough to abuse and neglect them, or completely cutting off communication with their kids/family, or holding resentment toward their own children because raising a child before they were ready caused them to abandon their dreams or give up on their passions.

Distorted world view, I know. But a loving, caring, family seems so unattainable to me in this modern society. I've seen so many examples where it never worked, that I decided very young in my late teenage years that having and raising a family would be the absolute last thing that I prioritize in this life. It's not even on the radar. This life can be way too complex to bring a new life in this world that didn't ask to be here. Then to force them to acclimate to the world without any base of love, morals, ethics, family support..... This is how the catalyst for "bad people" starts. It takes a lot of nurture over nature to reverse that and a lot of people never get over their past.

A close family bond is probably the most important thing in life that anyone can have. If you have it, cherish it. If you still have time to repair those broken bonds, do it. It sucks to spend the holidays in a poker game, a bar with the rest of the black sheep celebrating, or even worse... alone.

I think there is certain asymmetry in how parents view a relationship with their children and opposite. In my family certainly is. Parents often have no clue how terrible they are. My parents had no clue since my tender age of 9~10 y.o. what is really going on in my life. And if you would ask them they are completely sure that we have close and trusting relationship and that they knew at any point everything about my life.

And I kinda disagree that it sucks to spend holidays alone. I am so trying to think out right now good excuse to not visit my parents on Christmas.

I agree a lot with this idea of a tribe. I have few people in RL with whom I am really close. No one of them is in my blood family.

I think the OP comes from a place of slight fear of being lonely at some point in life. I sooo don't have that. Partly because due to my autistic tendencies I generally need a lot less company than average and partly because I am completely sure that i am able to build necessary connections in any situation and at any age.

Foatie, you make some very good points.

I am one of those people who will tell you there is no greater love than you have for your child. 100% I didn't even know it was possible to feel love so great until I had my son.

I come from a close Italian family...very close growing up, whether I liked it or not. I personally love being alone. I do not crave close family but have it. Almost like an obligation though I love them.

I think the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Those without family lament being along during the holidays and those with family lament being subjected to their family at the holidays.

I picked ... as the poll option. I have a small, close family but deep within me there are aspergers traits that make me want to be left alone, the exception being my son.

This is a great post.

Mr response is, scan facebook for 5 minutes, and you'll have no trouble seeing how full of **** people are. I'm always surprised at the big events and other things in my life that my parents totally forgot.. Getting tested for skin cancer, compliments my teachers gave me, classmates dying, etc..

my parents had kids when really, they were still kids. Start having a family at 23 years old, and you still want to live your own life and have your own fun. Kids get in the way of that. There's a level of selflessness that parents really need to commit to to be there for their kids.

I feel very engaged in my own kids lives, I hope they speak positively of me later on.