Winner!

Id probably just pour diesel fuel on the grass so it dies and you can never go wrong with a spray painted dick and balls on the headstone.

If you hold anger in your heart, the only person suffering is you.

Why the hell don't you piss all over her while she's still alive?

He's afraid of getting close to her while she's still alive so she can't make him buy her more jewelry or maybe a car this time.

If she didn't get a proper Christmas present there was hell to pay. One year me, the daughter, her brother who also worked there pooled our money and the daughter bought her a bracelet from a local department store. TBH, it cost a lot but didn't really look like much but when we gave it to her she went ballistic. Banging her desk, screaming (I mean screaming), ran into the boss's office and yelled about the 'pos' present we bought her, it was a huge scene. So I told daughter to get the money back and I went to NYC's jewelry district and bought a 'gold by weight' necklace and it was pretty big. That satisfied the monster for a day.

It was like living w/ one of those horror movie genetic mutation gigantic out of control crocodiles. You never knew when you were going to be savaged and the croc looked for something to tear up every moment.

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I'm thinking of a different approach: Hire a Mariachi band and have a catered after party for all of the other funeral attendees wherever that toxic waste dump is buried.

Why wait until she's dead? Just start pooping all over her lawn today.

Here's a funny one: I'd go out to dinner w/ boss and monster regularly after work. She'd always order a piece of cake for dessert and did the same thing every time: Take three bites, poke it w/ her finger, declare it stale and push it away. After maybe fifteen years of this it came to pass that me and boss were on one side of diner booth, monster on the other eating the cake and she went past three bites. Boss and me each watching w/ our chins on our palms. When she'd almost finished the cake I said 'It looks like she might eat the whole thing', that woke her up, she pushed the cake away and boss exploded! WHY DID YOU SAY THAT! I THOUGHT SHE MIGHT EAT THE WHOLE THING FOR ONCE! And he was right, I screwed it up.

That's too standard. I need something truly vulgar.

Knock over her headstone with your car and spray paint a swastiska on the broken headstone.

Alternatively ... let it go? Make an oath to stop making ridiculous oaths.

Ejaculate?

Just start ****ing with her by doing stuff like sending her an empty butter tub, beautifully wrapped with an anonymous card. Crappy gifts should arrive at carefully randomised intervals. Bonus points if you can get them sent from multiple different states.

Leave random plastic gnomes in her garden.

Howard,

Why didnt you guys just tell her "no" or "**** off"? I don't get it, why give in to her tantrums? treat her like a 3 year old....did she have some financial power of you all?

Lathe

Boost the gallon of water with a couple of beers.
Take a couple of cans of red spray paint with you. (The more beer you drink, the more imaginative you will be with the paint.)
Leave enough cash for bail with a friend.

Check the local statutes--desecration of a grave can be a felony. Enjoy!

She was the boss's wife, ffs.

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I like the idea of sending her random empty boxes. I'm told that she's living much of the time in The Dominican Republic these days so that might be tough.

The felony part is a problem. And I can't just walk away from an oath made to Great God Almighty Himself.

Correct.

Howard:

Damn shame your ceremony will be in New York.

I fully plan on something similar when the blessed event arrives. However, mine would be in the L.A. area. I was thinking about a drunken team-pissing.

However, her family is too lame to put together funerals. At least that has been the case for the last two passings.

She'll probably just be cremated and chucked on a shelf.

1 and/or 2 into 3. Though be careful of DNA testing.

Buy up the adjoining plots and park several portapotty's. Mausoleum of sorts...

This thread is his therapy.

My father sold stuff to the boss. For one of the monster's birthdays he bought her gift certificates to Bloomingdale's (a more expensive department store that she hadn't known about) saying 'let him find out what I'm going through w/ your mother.' Monster's shopping habits were to find clothing that she liked and buy every color and leave them for years in the closet unworn. Boss comes to me sometime later and asks 'WTF?!!!! DID HE DO THAT FOR?!!!'

I love it when a plan works.

Wife was driving w/ ex mother-in-law in the passenger seat on Gun Hill Road, The Bronx. They get into a fight. Again. Ex mother-in-law opens door at a stop light and falls onto the pavement but doesn't get run over. You know why she didn't get run over? It's bec I'm not that lucky, that's why she didn't get run over.

Also: How come everybody else gets killed doing everyday stuff but not her?

Ex half brother-in-law did something to piss off the croc. He comes to me and asks 'Do you think she'll kill me?' I say 'Hopefully.' He says 'how can you say such a thing?' I say 'It's too bad that NYS doesn't execute anyone but maybe she'll get thirty years. I'm not the one who pissed her off this time so you've got to take one for the team.' DAMMIT! She didn't kill him.

The secretaries were expected to buy her presents also. She'd come to me and say 'look at this cheap thing they gave me.' I say 'they don't make all that much.' She says 'they have a job. The should buy me better things.'

She didn't kill any of the secretaries either, dammit.