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Old 01-18-2009, 09:57 PM   #251
its a lock
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Re: Very close, old friend needs sizeable loan. Need advice

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Originally Posted by Tweety View Post
Loaning money with interest to your son to help him and his wife buy and repair a nice home for them and their young daughter is a bit different than giving $10 grand with no job, no income, and no life plan to go blow in South America on God knows what. If you don't think so then we will agree to disagree.
ya I would not have the balls to ask a close friend for this kind of loan,

then again he could view your friendship as a lot stronger then this so I cant really judge his character on this matter
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Old 01-19-2009, 12:08 AM   #252
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Re: Very close, old friend needs sizeable loan. Need advice

I know of this guy who had a friend for his whole life ask him to borrow 100k because he was in "serious trouble". The guy took out a 2nd mortgage on his house just to get the money and hasnt seen a dime or his friend since and is now in the process of losing his own home because his only income is disability checks
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Old 01-19-2009, 01:08 AM   #253
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Re: Very close, old friend needs sizeable loan. Need advice

The email seemed harsh, pointing out to your friend how you throw massive sums of money around in all areas of life and then saying no to the comparative pittance he asks for.
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Old 01-19-2009, 01:45 AM   #254
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Re: Very close, old friend needs sizeable loan. Need advice

The original begging seems harsher, pointing out how much you really haven't felt like getting a job for the past several weeks/months and not taking any responsibility for oneself and then asking the friend to pay the tab for everything PLUS a trip to South America where he can likely continue to not work (much).


tweety handled this just right in the end I think. I've been pretty broke before but I never held it against my hard-working friends if they had more money than me. I was happy for them. tweety's friend shouldn't have a problem with the fact that this guy works hard 5 days a week and is somewhat loaded.
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Old 01-19-2009, 01:53 AM   #255
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Re: Very close, old friend needs sizeable loan. Need advice

5 star thread

good to see someone actually take the advice offered and use it
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Old 01-19-2009, 02:08 AM   #256
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Re: Very close, old friend needs sizeable loan. Need advice

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This. Once a friend asks another friend for money they will cease to be friends regardless of what happens.
Is this a joke? I'm loaned out tons of money to tons of friends who I wasn't even necessarily that close to and the only ones that I have had problems with are the few douchenozzles who didn't pay me back and I had to do some creative collections on...the rest continue to be friends and the few i said no to continue to be friends as well...
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Old 01-19-2009, 02:31 AM   #257
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Re: Very close, old friend needs sizeable loan. Need advice

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Is this a joke? I'm loaned out tons of money to tons of friends who I wasn't even necessarily that close to and the only ones that I have had problems with are the few douchenozzles who didn't pay me back and I had to do some creative collections on...the rest continue to be friends and the few i said no to continue to be friends as well...
Why do you have tons of friends that need $$?
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Old 01-19-2009, 03:13 AM   #258
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Re: Very close, old friend needs sizeable loan. Need advice

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The conversation ended on a good note and I have no regrets about the way I chose to handle it.
I think you handled it well. good job.

i think it's become clear your friend is just trying to prolong the inevitable, which is him having to take control of his own life and get a job.

if he does get a job and tries hard to earn money to get out the hole, I think it would be nice of you to him out a bit to let him know that as long as he is willing head in the right direction, his friends will be behind him.

if he doesn't get a job though and just tries to leech of different people for money, i'd cut him off and not give him a cent
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Old 01-19-2009, 03:30 AM   #259
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Re: Very close, old friend needs sizeable loan. Need advice

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Why do you have tons of friends that need $$?
Obv because he is giving it away so frequently.
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Old 01-19-2009, 10:41 AM   #260
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Re: Very close, old friend needs sizeable loan. Need advice

I didn't have time to read all of the replies, so excuse me if this is redundant, but...

I have had this exact same scenario occur to me over and over. I worked like a dog to kick drugs, stop drinking like some maniac, adjust my attitude to pragmatic rather than utterly self-indulgent, bust ass for several bosses, start my own business, kill myself with absurd long hours, budget properly, make good decisions, and, finally, thrive.

Each of my dear old lifelong friends, of which there are three, has panhandled me for thousands of dollars in the last couple of years.

These are all highly intelligent and good-natured people.

Problem is, they're all almost pathologically self-indulgent (i.e. drug abuse, booze, general laziness). One has been working on his doctorate for over twenty years. One has a dope habit to go along with a "problem with authortity." One is seemingly unemployable, and seems to be done trying.

I know they don't sound like the sort of friends one should keep, but you can't pick your friends, so...

Anyway, I have stopped saying yes altogether.

As for your situation, ask yourself--why should you bust your ass so bad so that he can go all Motorcycle Diaries on everyone? What a bore. Credit card debt? A ton of blow? Huh?

My PhD. buddy just got back from eleven days in Key West, financed by his girlfriend. Needless to say, while he was gone, he was not working. He wants to know if I can help with his rent. I asked what the hell he was thinking about, taking a full-blown vacation in the midst of the worst financial problem of his life, and he said "Look, Dave. You need to understand that someone like me doesn't have any sort of retirement or success to look forward to, so I need to live while I can. Someone like you can never understand what it's like to live like that."

I reminded him that I slept on the streets, dragged myself to the methadone clinic for two solid years, and got a job. I reminded him that in the current financial climate, I haven't taken two days off in a row in over six months, and I told him no, I couldn't help.

I suggest you do the same.

Not the streets and the clinic. The reply.
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Old 01-19-2009, 11:44 AM   #261
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Re: Very close, old friend needs sizeable loan. Need advice

congrats Rushmore, good for you. <<< serious reply

Tweety: nice job, also.
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Old 01-19-2009, 12:00 PM   #262
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Re: Very close, old friend needs sizeable loan. Need advice

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Originally Posted by Rushmore View Post
I didn't have time to read all of the replies, so excuse me if this is redundant, but...

I have had this exact same scenario occur to me over and over. I worked like a dog to kick drugs, stop drinking like some maniac, adjust my attitude to pragmatic rather than utterly self-indulgent, bust ass for several bosses, start my own business, kill myself with absurd long hours, budget properly, make good decisions, and, finally, thrive.

Each of my dear old lifelong friends, of which there are three, has panhandled me for thousands of dollars in the last couple of years.

These are all highly intelligent and good-natured people.

Problem is, they're all almost pathologically self-indulgent (i.e. drug abuse, booze, general laziness). One has been working on his doctorate for over twenty years. One has a dope habit to go along with a "problem with authortity." One is seemingly unemployable, and seems to be done trying.

I know they don't sound like the sort of friends one should keep, but you can't pick your friends, so...

Anyway, I have stopped saying yes altogether.

As for your situation, ask yourself--why should you bust your ass so bad so that he can go all Motorcycle Diaries on everyone? What a bore. Credit card debt? A ton of blow? Huh?

My PhD. buddy just got back from eleven days in Key West, financed by his girlfriend. Needless to say, while he was gone, he was not working. He wants to know if I can help with his rent. I asked what the hell he was thinking about, taking a full-blown vacation in the midst of the worst financial problem of his life, and he said "Look, Dave. You need to understand that someone like me doesn't have any sort of retirement or success to look forward to, so I need to live while I can. Someone like you can never understand what it's like to live like that."

I reminded him that I slept on the streets, dragged myself to the methadone clinic for two solid years, and got a job. I reminded him that in the current financial climate, I haven't taken two days off in a row in over six months, and I told him no, I couldn't help.

I suggest you do the same.

Not the streets and the clinic. The reply.
Impressive. Congrats.

When I read stuff like that, I'm glad I grew up in Norway and not The States (although I'm half American and lived in Cali before), as you will basically never end up on the streets here unless you are a crack-addicted prostitute.
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Old 01-19-2009, 12:43 PM   #263
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Re: Very close, old friend needs sizeable loan. Need advice

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Originally Posted by PrimogenitoX View Post
Is this a joke? I'm loaned out tons of money to tons of friends who I wasn't even necessarily that close to and the only ones that I have had problems with are the few douchenozzles who didn't pay me back and I had to do some creative collections on...the rest continue to be friends and the few i said no to continue to be friends as well...
Henry17 doesn't actually have any real friends, so keep that in mind. If the only reason people hang out with you is because you buy them stuff, you'd probably get pretty pissed off if they asked you for a loan on top of it.
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Old 01-19-2009, 12:43 PM   #264
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Re: Very close, old friend needs sizeable loan. Need advice

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5 star thread
No, right now it's a four star thread. Pics of Sandy will take it to the next level though, which is why I am withholding my vote for now.

Quote:
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you can't pick your friends
As the saying goes, "you can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't wipe your friends on the couch".

I'm not sure what you're saying is true anyway. My friends over the years shift as my interests do. The more I have in common with someone the more likely we are to have a friendship. As our interests change so does the friendship dynamic. I only have one friend I've associated with since I was ~10 years old and I've never even moved. That said, alcohol (or P.O.T. or perhaps other substances) are a great "bonding agent" and tend to make friends of everyone. Although in your specific case I could see how that could be problematic once you ditched or severely curbed your vices and had friends who couldn't or didn't want to still associating with you. I'd cut bait Basketball Diaries style if that was the case but it sounds like your friends are more lazy than they are junkies.
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Old 01-19-2009, 01:36 PM   #265
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Re: Very close, old friend needs sizeable loan. Need advice

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P.O.T.
I lolled.
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Old 01-19-2009, 03:18 PM   #266
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Re: Very close, old friend needs sizeable loan. Need advice

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My PhD. buddy just got back from eleven days in Key West, financed by his girlfriend. Needless to say, while he was gone, he was not working. He wants to know if I can help with his rent. I asked what the hell he was thinking about, taking a full-blown vacation in the midst of the worst financial problem of his life, and he said "Look, Dave. You need to understand that someone like me doesn't have any sort of retirement or success to look forward to, so I need to live while I can. Someone like you can never understand what it's like to live like that."

I don't think I would be friends with someone who acted like he was so entitled to my money and then actually said that. tuq is correct. Friends change. People grow older. etc etc. I've moved around a lot though and don't feel like being all facebooky with the whole world so I don't have a whole lot of my friends from 10+ years ago except maybe a handful whom I exchange an e-mail or two with every so often.
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Old 01-19-2009, 05:20 PM   #267
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Re: Very close, old friend needs sizeable loan. Need advice

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Impressive. Congrats.

When I read stuff like that, I'm glad I grew up in Norway and not The States (although I'm half American and lived in Cali before), as you will basically never end up on the streets here unless you are a crack-addicted prostitute.
So it's crackwhores and the streets or black metal facepaint guys and burning down churches, I guess.

I guess crackwhores burn down churches sometimes, too, but I think they do it by mistake.
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Old 01-19-2009, 05:21 PM   #268
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Re: Very close, old friend needs sizeable loan. Need advice

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congrats Rushmore, good for you. <<< serious reply

Tweety: nice job, also.
Thanks gbm...even stoic tough guys like me need a pat on the back from time to time.
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Old 01-19-2009, 05:29 PM   #269
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Re: Very close, old friend needs sizeable loan. Need advice

Never let friends or family borrow money. Ever.
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Old 01-19-2009, 05:29 PM   #270
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Re: Very close, old friend needs sizeable loan. Need advice

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I don't think I would be friends with someone who acted like he was so entitled to my money and then actually said that. tuq is correct. Friends change. People grow older. etc etc. I've moved around a lot though and don't feel like being all facebooky with the whole world so I don't have a whole lot of my friends from 10+ years ago except maybe a handful whom I exchange an e-mail or two with every so often.
It's not really MY money to which he feels so entitled. It's everyone's money.

You see, being a PhD candidate and one of the leading Hegelian scholars, a person gets a sense that their potential contributions to society easily outweigh any money that they might take from the wealthy land barons, scheisters, and just generally fat old white guys who are essentially parasites of the banking system and who contribute nothing to anyone, really.

As for me, I have other friends, but I've known these three guys a combined 80+ years, so, well, we aren't going to be losing touch anytime soon.

I fully see all of your points, though.
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Old 01-19-2009, 05:34 PM   #271
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Re: Very close, old friend needs sizeable loan. Need advice

how come no one has recommended oat running for this guy? sure seems like he'd be a good candidate.
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Old 01-19-2009, 07:59 PM   #272
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Re: Very close, old friend needs sizeable loan. Need advice

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Haha, that was funny. But it's perfectly understandable, because turns out OP is effin loaded and 10K means almost nothing to him.

Which still doesn't mean that I think he should give money, but he has come off incredibly cheap.
I'm not loaded to the point that $10k means nothing to me. $10k means a lot to me right now. I've lost a lot in personal investments in the past year, and I'm not very liquid. I have a very good income by national standards, but only about average for my neck of the woods. Trust me, $10 grand isn't nothing to me right now.

But that's not even the point, anyway.
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Old 01-19-2009, 08:05 PM   #273
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Re: Very close, old friend needs sizeable loan. Need advice

All,

I just wanted to thank OOT for all the words of wisdom. I am highly appreciative. There are some very sound, sharp minds in this forum, and I am glad to be a part of it.

My friend and I are on perfectly good terms. This went well. If he were ever in true dire straits, he knows I'd help him in a second. I actually think he re-thought the whole proposition on his own and perhaps partially regretted making the request.

In any event, I gleaned a lot of wisdom from this group, and I really appreciate everyone's input. Thanks again.

T
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Old 01-19-2009, 08:52 PM   #274
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Re: Very close, old friend needs sizeable loan. Need advice

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I've lost a lot in personal investments in the past year,
Like due to the crash? Dude, you should express yourself, better, it totally makes sense this way, but you say it like, "sorry, I owe half a mil to my dad and another half a mil to my bank, so I really can't lend you 10K to change your life right now" lol. That sounds like your laughing at your friend without the explanation that you've suffered losses.

Giving the money was never an option anyway and you did the right thing, i.e letting him know you're there for him, but that his plan of how to change his life is not a very good one at all. Glad to see he came to the latter conclusion himself.

Last edited by Vantek; 01-19-2009 at 09:00 PM.
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Old 01-19-2009, 09:07 PM   #275
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Re: Very close, old friend needs sizeable loan. Need advice

I am sure someone else said it in the thread, but of course you two each loan him $2500 to go to South America. If he goes there and finds a job he does not need the money for the other two things.
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