One time this agent/Seacrest-wannabee took out an aspiring supermodel for a seafood dinner platter. She went back to his place, and their fooling around led to drunken buttsex. Not accustomed to being pooped on, the guy puked all over the girl, who puked on his air jordans, and then a closet door swung open and a guy holding a video recorder started puking too. I don’t suppose they dated much after that.

Wasn’t that a tucker max story?

In after chafing.

Poop lube, now that's sick.

when i was about 21 i was living in St Paul, grew up in Chicago, and had to go back home for a family event. At the event i ran into my aunts bff who i had a crush on since i got my first hard on. I dont recall the exact circumstances but she told me she wanted to get "coffee" next time i came home. Now, i am no casanova, but i am fully functioning so i noticed that something about the way she said coffee, didnt mean coffee.

Now, i knew something was going on but i really did not know what. All i was sure of was that i had to get back to Chicago and get some gd coffee with, lets call her Cougarmilf. As a back story i was in the middle of a 3 year relationship with the 3rd woman that let me inside her and i am a faithful partner.

Again, i dont recall why i was in Chicago, but i was there and obv hit up the CM and inquired as to the details of our coffee date. She didn't respond until 10pm saturday night. Her response was something like "i am at my friends, her son is having a HS grad party and you should com". My fam is on the north side and she was in a south suburb (min hour drive) so i did what any young man would do, i asked my uncle (CM's now semi-brother in law by bff) to borrow his car to go see a friend. The only inquiry I got from Unc was after he knew it was to see a girl he dgaf.

Hahaha, the details coming in are great.

For the cherry on top, when i got back to St Paul, my roommate picked me up in his car and when i scooped me i immediately jumped in the car with the biggest **** eating grinn ever and when he asked "how was it" i couldn't wait to belt out "you won't believe what happened", bc i just bagged a gd cougar i had jerked off to literally hundreds of times, and i was met with my current GF leaning forward from the back seat asking "what happened!??!?!" FMFL

So i get to the house, and its a condo in a large planned development, and there are a lot of wasted HS kids. The CM sees me, makes a B-Line for me, grabs me by the collar and jams her tongue in my mouth. That happens, i come up for air and all i here is "let's go upstairs". Now my lizard brain was taking over and i wanted to be a "good guy" but all i could muster up was "The brakes don't work so good". That fell on deaf ears and next thing i know i am upstairs with no clothes on.

So i am upstairs and all my clothes are off and i am inside her mouth but she still has her underwear on so i naturally tell her to take it off and find my way in the promised land. Now idk what i have but anytime i hear a girl go "its so big" i tend to just think its lip service, but this braid carried on about it the whole time. And not just in passing, like making strange comments like "you are so bigger than my husband", etc. Now, in retrospect i would write it off to dirty talk, but i was 21 and way out of my depth. So eventually i had her legs around my kneck and was giving it all i had (SSRI's can really make climaxing difficult) and she was carrying on about a lot of **** and eventually i hear "what did your mother feed you". At this point in my life i was not preparred to handle this lievel of kink/dirty talk/****ed up partner to really run with it so i just stopped, clothed up and left. The mommy talk killed the hard on.

The real ****ty part was on the ride home the car ran out of gas on the highway entrance, at ~3am on the south side of Chicago and i had to get a tow in my uncles car, hwich invlolved a lot of calls to him and the dealer and the warranty service for the tow (warranty was free tows under 50 miles and i was 49 miles away at 3am, fmfl). As soon as i got back to his place around 6am he asked me what happened. I told him i went to meet the cougarmilf for coffee. He has never said another word to me about it

i also sharted in my pants on an nyc subway after my gf told me she had chlamydia and i got a horse sized dose of azithramiacin from her ophthalmologist brother.

Not re-typing that rn tho

Nice story, don't get the comments about the brakes though.

Didnt get the brakes, dont know what SSRIs is.


So, you were chowing down and just stopped? Did you **** her?

Edit: well I guess there are two different reasons to have her legs around your neck. Decided you were not chowing at all.

SSRI is a category of antidepressants, such as Prozac and Paxil.

I'm gonna guess "the brakes don't work" meaning he pumps until he cums, no control as he approaches PONR.

Not to be a dick, but I think you think that story's much cooler than it is. Maybe you're just a bad storyteller tho, who knows. Congrats on the score anyway!

I liked the story and understood it.

The brakes don't work so good - elite non sequitur.

I don't see any point to make that comment other than to be dick, lol.

To be clear, I did absolutely nothing cool in the story, which is mainly why i find it amusing. And the fact that my aunt caught me ****ing her besty bc i borrowed her husbands car to do it and it broke down at like 3am in the ****ing ghetto and i solicited their help to get it back, and i didnt even get off and i cheated on my gf and participated in adultery, just facepalms the entire way through.

My GF also caught me as soon as i got back to saint paul. My roomate was picking me up from the airport and i couldnt wait to tell him the story so as soon as i jumped in the car i said something like "Dude, you gotta hear what i pulled of back home" which was followed by my GF leaning forward from the back seat saying something like "Ooooh no, what? Please tell"! FMFL, i couldnt recover in time and she knew something was up.

This, it was pretty entertaining. I was left wondering if the cougar was smarter then any of us on here though.

wait

Did you not know your gf was in his car? How is she your gf if you didn't kiss her when you saw her?!

didn't know she was in the car. She lived in the same building as me and saw my room mate walking to his car and he let her come to the airport with him.

****ing brutal, we broke up bc of it

Cougar got exactly what she wanted. She still grabs my wenus at family functions even when her husband is there too, creeps me out sometimes

Maybe the female Donald Trump

My first time,it was a super hardcore ****. It was basically every porno move I had seen from 9 to 17. I made her bleed and we had sex for 3 hours on and off. I cummed 8 times (common for me) and never saw the girl again. First night stand first time. I also proceeded to **** 5 other girls in 2 months in first year of college. Did not **** after that for 2 years. Working out is guaranteed to get you pussy. Also being affluent.

When you're old they let you do it.

I dont know whats worse, you making her bleed or you making her bleed and continuing to **** for 3 hours

I thought she bled because she was a virgin.

8 times is a lie lol

It's common for him, though.

I think he would've specified that. He just said he made her bleed lol. Sick either way.