so i am a new father, child is 18 months old and I am the breadwinner as a poker player. Always have been in the relationship for 10 years now. GF got basic retail job paying minimum wage when we were without child which was fine and she paid half the bills at the time. (not rent as i paid for my home myself she didn't contribute to that)

during her pregnancy she received maternity pay and i paid all the bills. she had to return to her job for 3 months in order to keep her maternity pay at which point we both agreed she would quit in order to look after our child full time and allowing me to grind 7 days a week. however she continued working after that point had passed and she currently works 2 days a week which leaves me missing 1 day grinding and puts strain on her mother for the other day whilst she earns minimum wage. (i earn a lot more than minimum wage).

there is absolutely no financial need for her to work, i currently pay for everything and she doesn't contribute on a regular basis. just token gesture stuff like getting groceries here and there. I'm not so bothered about the having to take a day off, i enjoy it but don't always want to HAVE to do it if i need to get volume in etc i feel as the breadwinner i should be able to do as i please because i literally pay for everything.

what bothers me is that we agreed on something and she completely went back on it and doesn't acknowledge that fact now. when i bring it up she goes off on tangents about me wanting to turn her into a housewife (feminism?) or how things are fine and it doesn't affect me, even though i lose 52 days grind a year which is a lot + i don't collect any $ from her work either. i do want to spend time with my child but more when i can fit it around my grind so i can stay more flexible. not a lot of time left for online poker so i wanna make a decent bit before it's back to the real world, she doesn't seem to be on board with this.

am i being unreasonable in thinking she is out of line? she puts it all on me like i'm in the wrong but i feel like she clearly is. just want a second opinion guys thanks a lot

A young child, an upset GF, and an online poker player who doesn't want to take a day off. GL w/ all of that.

A dilemma only rabbi Sklansky could possibly solve.

Not sure what possessed you to have a kid. Good luck with everything.

relationships are hard for many reasons, but there is a lot of give and take required to make them last.

I would try and understand her reasons for wanting to work. Maybe she sees that as a form of independence, maybe she has some reservations about being a housewife or a kept woman.

money is not the most important thing in life.

Why did you decide to have a family if you dont want to spend any time with them?
You make them seem like more of a drain on your personal time, than people you care about.

yeah i see your point it sounds like a mess. it's not that i'm unwilling to take time off, it just makes no sense if it's purely to facilitate my partner to gain say $70 when my day is worth maybe $200 to our family. i took a lot of time off in the first year to help out and just enjoy things.

it's more the lack or betrayal of trust and going back on the plan/agreement. i thought we were on the same page as a family with the same goals. when i air this concern it just gets brushed under the carpet but it's my main problem. we agreed on this plan before even being pregnant and at no point did we discuss or agree on changing it.

yeah it's hard work but we had a stable and loving relationship, this is one of our few really big issues ever. and thanks

What are her arguments for wanting to work 2 days/week?

well i feel like i've sacrificed a lot, i invested a lot of my poker winnings in buying a house so we could set up a family/home without the pressure of a mortgage. i've always paid for my gf and enabled her to pursue higher education with no stress.

i agree these are valid points and i do understand and acknowledge them. just not sure they are enough to outweigh the long term upside to having a lot more $ as a family unit.

i do spend a lot of time with my family and i enjoy it but i also have to be pragmatic, there isn't much time left in online poker and it's my best opportunity to make decent $. i'm the breadwinner so i worry a lot about providing.

my volume is pretty average as it is due to the time i spend with my family. it's really the betrayal of trust that is the bigger issue and my partner not acknowledging it.

appreciate the responses and getting a different viewpoint on this btw

independence, friends, getting out of the house, time away from family duties, her own money (even though i would provide the same or more she doesn't want to be a mooch). but not paying any bills and keeping the small amount of minimum wage you earn is no different? thats not independence

I totally understand this point of view, but that's not a relationship. It's an arrangement. When one person wants a relationship and the other wants an arrangement, things tend to go awry.

Would she be open to you giving her a stipend equal to what she would earn post tax at her 2 day a week job?

what name do we give to her idea here though, isn't she dictating an arrangement to me? she lives free of charge with me, keeps any money she earns and dictates to me when she is working. if she suddenly said that she had to work 3 or 4 days a week how would the situation change then?

and does it mean nothing that we entered into starting a family under the premise that she would raise the children and i would provide financially? if she earned significantly more than me i'd happily switch roles to support her in that pursuit and spend time with my child.

no i've suggested that but it doesn't satisfy the "independence" quota even though not paying for anything currently and keeping her wages isn't independent either, it looks or feels more like it is to her somehow.

It sounds like you don't actually want to be with her, you'll both be much better off the sooner you leave.

Or more seriously, try to look at things from her perspective. She sees what's coming and is feeling like she's getting trapped into something she doesn't want, that's not good for anyone.

rI can totally understand your gfs desire to work a couple of days a week. Possibly she has found motherhood overwhelming and needs a little time to herself. Possibly she finds you controlling and she wants to have something for herself. Tbh you do sound a little controlling and the way you speak about how you provide everything financially etc I totally understand why your gf wants to work. She may have agreed to staying at home and then the baby arrives and it is a lot harder than she thought, she sees you grinding at something you love and thinks "why shouldn't I get a few hours off?". Also it can be difficult getting back into the workforce after having time off having kids.

Also it could get very depressing having to ask someone for everything you need especially if that person likes to point out how he provides everything. It's meant to be a partnership and her contribution as a homekeeper should be valued and not just in terms of how much more money you can bring in.

How do your finances work? Do you have a joint account where she can access money or does she have to constantly ask you for cash? Do you have a similar attitudes to finances or is one person tighter than the other?

Rexx got this.

To be honest, you sound pretty resentful of the fact that you provide most of the money.
Seems likely that you make her feel bad about the situation and she sees working as a way to contribute more, and maybe get you off her back.

And you admit you have almost every day to yourself to play poker. As others have said, maybe she also wants to do something for herself without the stress of the kid around for a few hours per week?

Prior agreement or not, situations change and feelings change. Whatever your prior arrangement was, its obviously not working for her now.

Ponch,

Where do you live?

How many hours a day do you play when you work?

Oh yes and I also forgot to mention the volatility of poker. Having part time work may help your gf feel more secure if you experience a downswing. It may not be much money but it will buy food if things go bad.

If you really did have a prior agreement that she'd raise the child on her own, then she should pay for child care while she's working. That should satisfy all parties.

No offense to the OP, but I'm guessing we'd hear something different from his s/o.

Personally I think he comes out not looking so great in his version of events so I am pretty sure that would increase if we heard her version.

Ha, that'll teach her to try to contribute to the household!
Would be pretty tough to do though. Where I live, day care costs a lot more than minimum wage

Did someone bump a thread from 2006? Online poker pros are still a thing?

You both agreed? Did she express any hesitations at that time?

Having to completely depend on someone and not owning anything of her own with no legal security is probably making her feel trapped. Did she want to have a child or was it not planned?

You really come off as wanting to provide everything and make her dependent on you so that you have power over her. She is gaining some of her power, independence, and the security of having her own money.