who cares about this divorce thing.
I want to know how and why you registered in 2012, didn't make a single post until 2 years later in 2014 (when you made a grand total of 2 posts), and then suddenly went on some insane posting binge this month, making SIX posts in the span of a week, for a total of 8 lifetime posts in 6 years?!

The first time we were 16 and 18 and it was 20 years ago. I think people change in that time frame and we're getting to know each other again. We have many interests in common and a lot of life experience behind us now working in our favor.

Married at 31. Turning 40 in June.

I felt it relevant because it adds another reason for people telling me I should have stayed with her....the whole in sickness and in health thing in the marriage vows.

Hey OP - Some good advice in this thread, hope you take it to heart.

I agree with most that you should drop whatever guilt you have over the divorce. That decision is made and don't think so highly of yourself to believe that your ex can't survive without you.

Also, obviously your new gf is not who you think she is, but oh well. Is anyone who we think they are? That doesn't really matter either.

Bigger concern is that it seems you have a warped idea of what love is. Don't confuse feelings with love. Just because sparks fly and you really connect with a person, doesn't mean that's love (and the absence of those emotions doesn't mean you're not "in love"). Love is action, love is a choice. And loving someone doesn't mean you have to sacrifice yourself completely; you just need to communicate your needs to each other appropriately and take turns sacrificing. Understand that and your next relationship will be much better. You clearly need to learn to communicate better, which I think you've admitted, just hope you take actionable steps to improve that.

And if you get nothing else from this post, please remember this: DO NOT SEE YOUR EX EVERY WEEK! Seriously man, wtf? That's just not smart on so many levels. Mail in your checks and wish her well. Trying to appease your guilt in this way is not helping her or you. You do not need to "be there" for her. I mean, clearly you see the problem here, right?

If you don't listen to any of this, then I'm looking forward to your post in 6 months when you tell us how being away from your ex made you realize how much you really appreciated her and after seeing her once a week for 6 months, you started having feelings for her again and you both "fell in love" again and now you'll live happily ever after since you've learned from your past mistakes. Not that that's a bad thing, it just means you didn't learn anything from your past mistakes.

Sorry, this turned into a bit of a rant. Good thread OP. Remember it's your life and no one else's, so stop trying to please everyone. Take care of yourself first so you can appropriately help others. Lastly, do yourself a huge huge favor and read this: http://waitbutwhy.com/2014/06/taming...-run-life.html

Being a divorced dad, this tilts the **** out of me.

You didn't have kids with her. Get over it. Remove your thumb from your ****ing mouth and move on.

Just noticed this part. What the hell man?

Are you hoping your family just kind of finds out organically and that it will somehow be better if you wait?

Quit being a wuss and just take the action you obviously want in life.

Well, i mean, we did swear in front of God and all our friends and family that we would do exactly that.

It is hard work to critically question your own value system. I do get where OP comes from. I was raised with similar values in regards to marriage.

But I mean..... At some point you have to think about if it is really good and rational and improves somehow your life to hold on to this "no divorce rule". I know a lot more couples that would be happier separated, than staying together. Forces that keep them together are usually social pressure (see OP), habit and sometimes money or children.

To be fair, the OP and Mary were 18 and 15/16 respectively when they first "dated" and that relationship didn't last too long from what it sounds like. I wouldn't put much stock into point 1.

Point 2 and 3 are valid, however.

I'm sure this will all end well.

I'm wondering how long until the guilt wears off and he gets sick of giving money to his ex or Mary gets pissed about it? Probably not all that long.

When you filed for divorce did she give you the finger?

Grunching...
I've read a lot that the root of why people cheat is they want to feel like a version of themselves they liked at one time and it has nothing to do with their current partner or the person they are cheating with.

You may feel as though you are meant to be with Mary* and you two are perfect together, but you might be feeling like the version of yourself you want to be and making Mary* into something she is not.

I would be leery of someone with 2 failed marriages and ended up with a person that would become a drug addict. It takes a lot of self hate to allow yourself to be with a scumbag.

You say your ex-wife was afraid of being alone and you were the one moving in with somebody at the very same time. Red flag.

You should forgive yourself for cheating and let that guilt go. I'd be weary of your current relationship with how fast it's moving.

Ah makes sense now. Seemed super strange without context, at least to me.

Don't worry I'm sure the magical invisible man who lives in the sky is too busy turning people in to salt and sending plagues of locusts to worry about one marriage.

Meh within a year most likely outcome is Mary will cheat on him, get excessively paranoid and controlling with OP because she thinks he will do the same to her, then eventually flip out and break up with him while telling people that he cheated on her. It's a pretty wide range of outcomes but that's 4-1 at worst.

Still doesn't mean he shouldn't have ended his marriage or that it won't be good for him in the long run.

You and Mary seem to have a rock solid foundation with zero baggage.

GL to you both

LOL - so true.

Considering the fact that it's court ordered for a term of 60 months, per the divorce agreement, I'm pretty sure there isn't much of a choice here.

Lots of valid points here, and I appreciate the responses, both positive and negative (although mainly negative, which is no surprise in this forum). LOL

Seriously, Mary and I are both happy. We have a lot of similar interests, we've talked about what we each need to have to make this work, and we continue to talk. There is also a physical aspect to our relationship. I continue to learn new things about her and myself. I'm slowly getting over the guilt I've felt because the happiness is taking it's place.

I needed a place to unload my feelings and OOT provided this outlet. I'll try to remember to keep you all updated. If I didn't mention it, we have planned a short trip to Las Vegas for 4 days in September. She has never been and it's my favorite place so this should be a fun experience for us both.

I get that there are no kids and it sounds like there wasn't much money to divide up, but going from "meeting with lawyer for the first time" to "legally divorced" in under a month seems really really fast to me. I am trying to think through what it means that you were able to convince your wife of 9 years to walk away within the span of a couple weeks (at most).

Lightning round thoughts:
Mail the check to the ex. Don't "be there to help however". It's probably going to cause issues b/w you and Mary, and it does the ex no favors to think there is still a chance for you two. If you are going to rip the band-aid, you gotta rip it all the way off.

It sounds like the die has been cast, but as others have said, moving in with Mary this quickly feels like a rebound thing for both of you.

The thing with her dad liking you is weird to include. I mean, in a vacuum it is better than the alternative, but you are a 40 year old man. Why does it matter what he thinks of you? The fact that you are including this as a justification for your relationship is a bit troubling.

Anyway, it is good that you got out of a marriage that wasn't working for you and best of luck for you and Mary.

OP was fortunate that he has his decree...but for others who may come along later, it is NOT wise to go shack up with another romantic partner while the divorce is still pending. Doing so is a great way to see opposing work to rake you FURTHER over the coals in terms of the various settlement terms...

I get that money may be tight, but it just isn't worth it. Family law isn't my area of practice, but we have two attorneys in my building that DO a LOT of divorce work (to include mediations) and there are all sorts of things that get discovered right before a decree was otherwise going to have issued and where things go sideways...

It depends on the state. State law in my state dictates that any allegations or evidence of cheating are not allowed to be considered when drawing up alimony agreements. You cannot be punished for cheating during the marriage. There is a strict formula for the amount and length allowed for alimony payments. My offer went above the state guidelines in both categories, both to get it finished quickly and as an obligation that I felt for doing this essentially out of the blue to the ex-wife.

lol, how old are you? Sounds like you are still 18


anyway, congrats on getting out of your marriage and for doing something to make yourself happy.

that said, the fact you jumped straight into to shacking up with a chick who has been divorced twice already and who was more than willing to let you cheat on your wife with her, means this one is ending badly to. Do both of you a favor and don't marry this girl, neither of you needs another notch in the divorce column.