Thanks LFS

I'll tell you one thing - my entire "drinking life" i've never been afraid to keep drinking - consequences be damned. now I am. So there's that, for whatever it's worth.

It's something! I mean, if you can start drinking and then think "uh-oh, I know where this is headed" and then stop or slow down and have that work for you, then that's a great sign. I've never done that.

The old cliche is that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result. For me I was doing the same thing, knowing exactly what the (****ty) result was going to be, and then doing it anyway.

Hi Judge,

I've gone back and forth on making this post, because you have to figure things out yourself, but here we go. This was you four months ago:

And now:

What is it that you think will be different this time? Epiphanies like "I've realised I need to RESPECT alcohol, then I'll be fine" amount to **** all in my experience.

I'm not saying you need to go sober for life here. I'm saying that if you've concluded that you have a serious problem (and I don't know if you have or not) then serious problems require serious solutions. It's extremely unlikely that you get things under control without some hard work. In my case, I took three months off drinking and am now vastly more controlled. You could consider doing something like that.

Posted the above without noticing that there was a new page, so hadn't read the two posts above it. I almost wrote something about how the correct attitude to alcohol is not respect, but fear. If you're scared, that's good, hold onto that feeling, it's an appropriate emotion to have. Alcohol has been the utter ruin of millions of people and there's no reason you or me can't be next. That's something that is in the back of my mind every single time I drink now. Keeps me honest.

well the first post was at home by myself. i never got in problem much there except feeling a bit more ****ty in the morning.

my "epiphany" now is that when its a weekend, and i'm out of town or have no reason to slow down, I don't. honestly I have a fear of alcohol like a poison or a gun. I realize that the lack of control just isn't a safe thing at all. I'm scared to just drink hard again.

So the first post was just me by myself, the more recent is a recognition that I can't handle slowing down in social environment. To me, it makes 100% sense. I get that it's hard work. Trust me bro I'm scared enough that I don't want to be in a bad situation again.

Look, i didn't get in a drunk driving accident and kill someone or something like that, but i would imagine that what I'm thinking now about my situation is similar to someone who does something extremely boneheaded. Like a definite this is a fn problem wake up check.

Judge, what others have said. It's possible you will be able to moderate your drinking without quitting, but often people who can't stop drinking once they get rolling find it difficult to exercise much control over their drinking habits unless they quit, at least temporarily—it's a lot easier to find reason why it's okay to drink this time if you're just "cutting back" then if you've decided to not drink at all.

That said, good luck. I hope you are able to change your drinking pattern without quitting altogether if that's what you want. If you ever find that too difficult, I hope you will consider quitting at least temporarily, rather than admitting defeat.

The plan is to quit binge drinking. The plan is to quit drinking for the sake of drinking. I'll have beers with wife, family, friends, etc. But no longer just pounding for hte sake of getting hammered.

Since the incident that caused this massive self-introspection/reflection to take place, I've had a few beers / drinks here and there. I just am fearful of alcohol now.

I appreciate the concerns. IF I need to go no alcohol at all, I will. But for awhile, I'm just going to try to be a ****ing normal responsible person for once in my adult life.

Gl judge. I'm on a 3 month break from alcohol. I don't consider I have a problem drinking but I have found 3 weeks in to this that I have a bit more energy and my mood is probably a bit better. Sometimes it's good just to reset.

Even when I have been able to successfully moderate, it has been very hard work, has inevitably (sometimes over the course of days, sometimes months) failed, and has caused increased feelings of sadness, reduced energy and self esteem and produced anxiety.

Now, that cycle went on for over 10 years. Each and every time the same result: pure misery and a sincere decision to quit. But give me 2-3 days of sobriety and the cravings start, without fail.

All,

I'm at the airport following a sober Vegas trip. I honestly did not think this was possible for me at one time. Definitely the first time I've ever been in this airport for an outbound fight without a severe hangover.

It's frustrating in AA, you hear people say things that you're just not ready to hear. For me, one was "you've gotta want it." I tried so many times to stop for other people, or to get the heat off, or to show myself I could. This was a big milestone in feeing the payoff of doing it for myself.

Dth,

Flying home from Vegas not feeling like death sounds amazing.

I got a bachelor party in July in Vegas. Very nervous

I have not been to Vegas in sobriety. If I had a real reason to go, I'd consider it. But probably wouldn't do it for a bachelor party or something. Maybe if there was a concert with my wife, or a business reason.

The other thing that I used to enjoy while wasted but haven't done while sober is go to a Phish show. If they play the Hollywood Bowl again I'll consider going, but they've only been coming to the Forum in the last several years, no way am I getting cooped up with that much pot smoke. I may see Trey at Disney Hall in December, but that's a different deal.

In both cases it's not that I'm worried I'd drink or use, it's that I think I'd be pretty edgy. Just not a positive environment for me. My wife dabbles in the CBD oil for sleep and such, and it doesn't bother me. But she needed to go to a collective or something to get some the other night and I was definitely not up for going with her.

A little off topic, but has anyone had experience of CBD oil (the non-'high' version)?

A friend in recovery uses it, and seems to think it helps him, although admits it may be a placebo. Articles I've seen do mention it's effectiveness in alcoholism, but I'm not sure how legit they are.

It does seem to be useful for a whole number of ailments that I suffer from which lead me to relapse though - anxiety, bouts of depression, insomnia, etc.

I got some for my ex and she used it for calming inflammation and thought it helped. I tried some and felt that there was a calming effect, but like your friend I wouldn't rule out a placebo explanation. Anyway it's definitely not addictive or anything, so the only thing you can lose trying it is some money.

Don't have the exact date I quit right now, but it was late November. So time to celebrate half a year! Alcohol just doesn't belong to my life anymore. It's a bit crude substance btw, not to recommend. As you know.

I'm not going to pretend that there's issue clear and simple WHY I used to abuse alcohol but being more controlled (and fearful) of my drinking in the last month or so has really opened my eyes to just how much I did use drinking to cover up for things. Feels like life has been a blur for the most part and that I haven't wanted to confront things that I needed to. Now it seems obvious to me that getting trashed to the point far beyond what "regular" people do had other reasons driving it. Not to say that I'm never going to be vulnerable to doing that again just because I recognize it - but I am saying that I see for sure that there are problems that caused me to abuse myself. Anyway, enjoying this clarity on my life and seeing things in more perspective. My life wasn't ideal in many ways both in and out of my control but moving forward, I can strive to make it much better in ways I can control. Alcohol was definitely a crutch to just say F it and not take responsibility in the now. Honestly I'm lucky it didn't damage where I am at right now any more than some severely embarrassing moments.

Sounds good JH. Once the substances are gone we get a good look at what's underneath, and hopefully the opportunity to do something about it.

I lost some weight and hit the gym seriously, forever. Have a feeling my issues are getting sorted out. At least better than when alcohol was there bothering.

its almost painful - actually it is painful, mentally - sorting out feelings/thoughts/memories that have been suppressed by alcohol for so long.

You don't need to face them all at once. Have mercy on yourself. The human memory is also meant to be able to forget. Not a perfect record.

This is the hardest part.

Constant anxiety was a big part of why I drank. Meditation has been a huge help for me in dealing with it sober, a real game-changer as they say. When you can sit perfectly still with your own mind for an hour at will, you start to feel you can do just about anything. I started with 5 minutes at a time, it's not as weird or hard as I'd always imagined it would be. I highly recommend the book 10% Happier by ABC newsguy Dan Harris on this topic.

Something that high-profile suicides remind me of: where the answers aren't. Money, drugs, alcohol, and/or the respect/adulation of others cannot and will not sustain me. To one degree or another I have attempted to "get by" on each of these things and it just didn't work. The trick for me is to believe/feel that happiness, contentment, and serenity are possible on any level for me at all. I don't need permanent enlightenment, I don't even need to believe that permanent enlightenment is possible for me, but I need to know that there's a positive direction for me to move in. Progress, not perfection.

Dr. Paul's story in the back of the Big Book has a pretty crucial (and oft-quoted) paragraph for me:

That echoes something my meditation teacher said, which was that all human suffering - he emphasized ALL of it, although I'm not sure I agree - is driven by a conflict between the actual state of affairs and what we wish was happening. To be very glib, the general cure for that condition is acceptance of the actual state of affairs.

It's certainly true in alcoholism. Outside actual physical withdrawal, which lasts days to weeks, the central conflict in alcoholism is not lack of alcohol. It's the difference between the actual state of affairs (sobriety) and the desired state of affairs (drunkenness). The key to things is figuring out that the problem is not that you aren't drunk, the problem is the desire to be drunk. And that's a difficult enemy, but figuring out that that, specifically, is the enemy is a very good start.