I would say that it's a good sign actually.

She flaked out because she found someone else though.

it doesn't come up with friends because they already know what you do, and unless you have an exceptionally interesting job they probably don't care about day to day garbage.

if you're trying to get to know someone though, it seems like it'd be a real challenge to avoid having to address what you spend almost half of your waking hours doing.

On the contrary, I often successfully make it through first dates without ever mentioning 2+2!

I've been on lots of long first dates that haven't brought up work.

Damn I thought you were NickMPC. I've been MPKing a lot lately then. Either way, sucks!

Jelly,

You seem totally normal/reasonable.

Here's a sort of meta question about dating: given that someone like NickMPK enjoys work stuff and would actually prefer to be with someone who he can talk to about those stuffy academic topics, are we sabotaging his likelihood of finding a compatible partner by getting him to surpress that during the first few dates?

I believe in presenting yourself in a cohesive way in the first few dates so that you don't waste your time or theirs pretending to be someone that you're not.

As far as talking about work goes, there's a balance. You can talk about what you do, but no one cares about hearing details. It's just an ice breaker topic that you need to use to transition away to a more insightful or more fun topic.

I think there's something to that in profiles. Don't hold back on your interests so you'll have more bad first dates. Put it out there and hope to find someone who shares or appreciates them. You'll get fewer responses but you won't be wasting time on women who won't get you.

NickMPK can talk about work all he wants as long as he's focusing on the emotions involved, instead of the technicalities. So for example, why does he love his job is it because he has the chance to really touch the lives of the families affected by statistical methods in whatever. Or because he likes seeing his students find something they are passionate about and really make a difference in the world etc.

lol conversations

I'm guessing you get a lot of never-call-agains

If you can be selfish so can they

Jelly- your mentality seems pretty normal to me, not sure why so many people are riled up. I'd say you should focus less on your sex count and more on LIVING though. C'mon now, you're a cute girl in your prime and are entitled to some fun.

Nick- I don't think you really understand how social vibing works. I'd suggest paying to the people that you think seem socially cool to you and observe how they interact with others. You seem to approach social interactions with an interview like mentality which is way bad for dates.

I don't really think that's great advice.

First of all PUAs are warped and ******ed and historically bad at attracting women. Anybody who is heavily into that stuff in all likelihood is not reaping positive results, because the only people who stick in the PUA community are lost and don't know what they're doing. I'd suggest disregarding anybody who comes from the PUA crowd.

Here's how you qualify a girl- if she says/does something that you find to be attractive, then compliment her or flirt with her. Duhhhh. Lol at that tl;dr fest.

Honestly your interactions should have a little bit of everything. I'd focus on disregarding the really nitty and hyperanalytical stuff until you hone your conversation skills though- that's what's most important for you.

I think the conversation thing is mostly true for girls. I can't really generalize with guys since my experiences with each one are different. It's very rare for me not to get a call or text after the first date. I'm a very nice person and I give my full attention when I'm meeting someone new.

I'm far from selfish once I get to know someone. I love sharing and I'm sure I overdo it. I might be using them for company, but there's obviously something they're getting out of me.

I don't want to sound full of myself, but I think it might be worth mentioning that a lot of people find me very attractive. I think I'm above average and horribly unphotogenic, but it's not uncommon for me to be approached by multiple people in a day who just want to give me a compliment. Maybe it's the exotic factor. I typically wear jeans and a t-shirt and little to no makeup so I don't really put much focus on my looks.

I know I'm not the most effective communicator, but there are also a lot of guys here that are frustrated with their failures at dating.

I currently have no sex drive. It was really high before I started having sex, so I want to experiment with that for a while. I've always viewed dating as an opportunity to have fun and get to know someone. I think the attitude for most people here is different though.

That's because most people here are guys and it's an analytical discussion how to succeed in dating (i.e. get sex). I enjoy getting to know new people a ton, but that aspect is going to get overlooked in a dating strategy thread.

Re: lack of sex drive- maybe you're depressed? I don't know, I guess if you're not meeting anybody who you really want to date then it doesn't make a difference. But if you meet a guy you like and keep playing the celibacy card, he may assume that you don't like him back and stop hanging with ya.

PS- if you don't want to sound full of yourself, then don't brag about your looks on an online message board! guys have seen your picture and will judge for themselves, it's how it is.

Fun observation:

Find a girl who doesn't talk about how amazing her ass is. I was discussing this with a female friend a while back, when a mutual female friend mentioned how "whatever, at least I have a hot ass anyways" which is simply untrue.

Guys will, and apparently do say anything. I've never met a girl who didn't say the same thing, and why wouldn't they? With every guy telling you how hot your ass is you'd have to believe it.

24 times "I" and 5 times "me".
I am sorry and it is not just that text but you kind of sound full of yourself.

skunk,

"are we sabotaging his likelihood of finding a compatible partner by getting him to surpress that during the first few dates?"

I actually a while back suggested he put back in some of the stuff in his profile that more accurately reflects his personality, even if it makes him sound less exciting, etc. So big picture, I agree with you. However, I think there's a big difference between suppressing your personality and trying to give a good first impression. Nick should talk about things he's interested in and finds fun/exciting/etc. If some of them involve political science and statistics and stuff, great. But a first date is a time to woo/impress a bit imo; there's plenty of time in the next few dates to explore your "day to day personality" for lack of a better term.

I'm sure it's psychological. My ex was an uncontrollable sex addict. The celibacy thing is something I tell myself so I don't feel pressured to do anything I'm not fully comfortable with. I said I was going to be celibate this past summer, but I don't think that even lasted 2 months. It's not that big of a deal.

Another resolution of mine was to attention whore more for a chance at a custom undertitle. I kind of feel obligated to follow through.
I'm aware of this. It's hard not to come off this way when people assume the worst from my actions. It's probably not worth the discussion, so I'll drop it.

I didn`t assume that and I still don`t. I just said how it sounded to me and didn`t mean to be rude.

Would you say that the celibacy thing helped you in the end or was it counterproductive?

I did notice a boost in my sex drive, so I'm hoping it works again. I wasn't dating much during that period. I haven't really gotten back into dating right now either.

It is probably this "I can`t have it? Then I really want it" thing. I am sure that a lot people know that from all aspects of life.
Maybe better suited for women but still a good idea.

Nick,

"I know she went to Notre Dame because she told me she just got back from the national championship game."

Please tell her "LOL NOTRE DAME FOOTBALL" from me, thanks.

That's exactly what it is. I love a challenge.

jelly - You seem cool and normal but also sort of freshly traumatized by your previous boyfriend and your experiences with him. It comes across that way both explicitly (libido) and implicitly (somewhat cynical viewpoint). That sucks.

Great point.

I agree with you here. I guess my query isn't too dissimilar to "being the best version of you" vs. faking the funk on the nasty dunk.

Presentation is important because you need a little showmanship to spark interest, but for a lot of guys having trouble with dating, polishing the presentation should play second fiddle to doing real work to being mentally/emotionally healthier on the inside.

I think there are two sides to being the best version of you: the way that you present yourself, and the inner self that drives that presentation. Nick is prone to going down the rabbit hole because of his deep interest in his work, but he needs to balance this intensity with awareness that his work lives within a greater context, e.g. his life, his goals, his chosen identity. That context allows him to understand what it is about his work that interests him -- how it fits into the larger framework of his life -- and therefore what it is about his work that might interest others.

However, if his life and goals and identity and the entire goddamn framework revolve around his work and school (e.g. if every story starts with "At Harvard..."), then I wonder how much you can really sex up the presentation before it becomes disingenuous. (Not saying that's who you are Nick, but for this example, I'm using you.)

Dunno, maybe I just found some head-up-my-ass way to restating the inner vs. outer game PUA debate.

If Nick's entire identity revolves around being a professor there are two logical paths

1) quit online dating and find a fellow professor to date
2) become a more balanced and fun person to open up his dating options

He can't stay in his comfort zone and have the dating success he wants. He's gotta pick one or the other, it's not that complicated.

This seems accurate to me.

Jelly, you seem to perceive sex as a means through which men take advantage of women as opposed to a natural part of a happy relationship. Why not just resolve to be more generally assertive if your goal is to avoid doing things you don't want to do? And what difference does it make if you end up having 11 sexual partners instead of 8?

Also I don't think you are full of yourself, but you are a bit eager to be validated as a pretty girl.