Are there any full body pics? I'm having a hard time seeing her collar bone
All I can say is smile more. Sorry, I'm in an anti-male mood.
wtf
I didn't put much effort in my profiles. The first things that popped up in my head usually does the job. I'm straightforward with the summary and life stuff, but the rest is probably unusual, thought provoking and somewhat funny. I would occasionally add to my "do not message me if" list. I could probably have a terrible profile and still be fine, but I like to have a little fun with it.

I'd say the quality of a female's profile is still pretty important (though obviously not as important as a guys), and will have an impact on the qualify of messages you receive.

If I think a girl is attractive, but her profile is boring/sucks, I'm more likely to just send a canned message or no message at all. If the profile is funny/interesting, I'll take time to craft a good message.

Putting effort into not looking crazy is important for girls too imo

Friends just forced me to create an account on OKC (ie they made my account in front of me). They filled out the profile with some input from me, and it does sound like me, but it doesn't really say much. I'm going to pretend that's good because changing it would take too much effort.

The hardest part was choosing a username. I doubt it really matters but I completely blanked on anything that wasn't already used and wasn't so corny/nerdy that I would avoid someone with that name.

http://www.comedycentral.com/video-c...ch-com-profile

I lolled.

Had two failed first dates already this week....I have three more set up for next week, but I am about to give up and cancel them because I don't really see why they would be any different, and it's just a waste of my time.

I have no idea what I'm doing wrong. My reply rate is great...I sent out 13 messages to girls on OKC last week and got replies from 10 of them. I have to be selective from there since I can't handle more than 3 dates/week. But none of the girls I go out with ever end up wanting to see me again apparently.

how did you think the dates went?

Do you mean did I want to see the girls again, or did I think they wanted to see me again? Honestly, the first one I didn't sense that girl wanted to see me again, but I never asked...I didn't really care either way, so I didn't contact her again.

The second (just tonight), I definitely would have seen again, but she seemed pretty apathetic throughout the date, and made it clear she wasn't interested in another. (At least she was more polite to actually tell me that as opposed to most other girls I have gone out with, who just ignore my subsequent texts.)

Let's be real here for a moment. If there's no picture, how much a damn would anybody honestly give about a well-written and super interesting profile, whether you're a guy or girl? No doubt there's probably some very beautiful people who don't put pictures online, but we're all naturally superficial to some extent or another. Men and women aren't all that different in this regard. We both care about looks a lot.

Some of those hot girls are smart enough to realize that all they need is to be sexy and have a good picture. The messages will come flooding in and they will have their pick of the litter.

On a side note, there are people who's pictures are unwittingly used in dating advertisements (must be a clause in the terms and conditions - that nobody obviously reads - on some dating sites).

yeah was kinda asking both

so it sounds like first date was just meh anyway, which is bound to happen (and fairly frequently)


2nd date you say you would have seen again. but then you mention who she was pretty apathetic (which i read as not engaged?). so why did you want to see her again? did you think there was a connection, was she hot, etc?




also what did you do for/on the dates?

Both dates we just got drinks at a bar or pub.

The second girl was very cute, and seemed both interesting and very excited about our date from our messages. But I just couldn't draw much out of her on the date. I'm not sure what you mean by a "connection"...I don't really feel a "connection" to anyone on first meeting. That doesn't mean I'm not willing to see them again.

Nick,

Profile of these girls? (Age/looks/job/etc)

Were you really into them based on their profiles or were they just chicks you found attractive?

Does your profile accurately represent you/your interests/etc?

What yeota said, pls describe the dates.

NickMPK you are aware of how females in general connect with each other? It is basically "oh my god!! we think so much alike!!"

Nick,

You really don't know what he means by feeling a connection with a girl right off the bat? You never have just hit it off and that one drink you intended turns into hours long conversation, laughing, etc? I assume you feel like you vibe better with some girls than others after a short time hanging out with them, right?

If you really are never feeling that connection with anyone right away, then there are prob some broader issues to address. Maybe you're a really boring conversationalist. Maybe you are way too stiff. Maybe you are way too guarded.

What sorts of things did you talk about with these women? Was there laughing? Was there flirting? Was there touching?

connection, attraction, etc. i guess by that i mean did you sense a "click". I know for myself that sometimes it is a lot easier and more natural with people (even on first meeting) than with others. whether that is a mutual phsyical attraction, personalities that mesh well, similar sense of humor, etc.



girls are fickle beings so it could have been any number of things. dont think it is reason to be discouraged though. i would think cuter girls in particular might just have unreasonable high standards when in an online dating environment because they likely are exposed to lots of options.



how have you been feeling about your dates in general beforehand? do you find yourself generally excited always, or moreso with certain dates, or generally lukewarm to the idea and that it feels almost like a chore?


maybe if you have been trying a lot of dates for awhile you just need a little break. if you are getting burnt out that could come across in your behavior even subconsciously on a date and maybe the girls are picking up on that (maybe a defeatist attitude?).


otherwise if your dates arent working maybe you need to just change something. go on a different type of date, try a different type of girl, etc. could be just as simple as a case of the "shanks"- not sure if you are into golf but often the issues are more mental. i think of the scene from tin cup when costner has the shanks and his caddy just tells him to untie a shoe, move stuff in is pockets, turn his hat. point being that he had a mental block and just some kind of change was able to help. girls can sense confidence.

First girl was 32, was an Wharton JD/MBA grad, and works as an international transactions lawyer for a Spanish company. She was certainly attractive, but kind of boring. She emailed me first on Match.

Second girl was 26, and a graduate student in art therapy (she said she would be getting a degree to be a counselor, but also studies art & German in Europe). Petite & cute brunette in a "manic pixie dream girl" kind of way. Met on Match, though I emailed her first in this instance.

My profile certainly represents my interests. Does it represent me? It's hard to have that level of self-reflection I think. I used to have a lot more in my profile about being introverted and liking routine more than adventure, etc. But everyone who reviewed my profile told me to take that stuff off. Since I did, my response rate has definitely gone up, but my success on dates has gone way down.

Nick,

The most likely answer IMO is the most obvious one, that your profile gives off an outgoing, spontaneous feel that women think might be exciting to date, but IRL you are more of a quiet introverted guy who likes to keep to his familiar routines. Sounds like your friends were right about making your profile more attractive, but based on your consistent experience I think you're better off putting that kind of stuff back in and getting fewer responses but from women who are a better fit for you.

Nick: is it possible you're just kind of boring on a date?

Ninjaedit: What El Diablo said is pretty near exactly what I was thinking.

that or expanding your horizons and trying some new things to become that exciting/spontaneous guy. you dont need to change who you are at your core but there is always room for improvement.


imo first dates are a safe place to try some new things out. never been bungie jumping? bring a date and try it out. if it goes terrible who cares, at least you tried something now and now have a great first date story, and how much did you have to lose anyway?


thats an extreme but i think if you are stuck in routines that even trying some different venues could be nice. even if its still a bar, maybe try to find a more eclectic or unique bar. or something like an oxygen bar. you are a professor afaik so perhaps you would be comforable in a more eclectic setting (yes stereotyping i know).

Well, I can certainly sense that some girls feel more of a connection to me than others. And I like when this happens! And there are certainly girls I feel more attraction to than others (but this is mostly physical). But I only ever really build up a connection to people by being around them for a long time such that they become integrated into my routine.


I am definitely more excited about some dates than others. This is usually a function of (a) how attractive the girl is, and (b) how eager the girl seemed to be to meet with me.

I am probably getting a little burned out. Part of it is that this is basically my only social life here...I moved to this city knowing zero people, and this is not a way to build a social circle. I did take a break from this over the holidays....these were my first dates since before Christmas. But coming back to it is just deja vu.

Nick,

What is your field?

Nick,

"But I only ever really build up a connection to people by being around them for a long time such that they become integrated into my routine."

That sounds super-unromantic and seems like a very tough way to develop romantic relationships.

Are you someone who has traditionally dated mostly people you have known for a long time already and been friends first?

Political science & constitutional law.

I have had two long relationships in my adult life. The first was a girl I dated for 4.5 years, and was married to for one year after that (this relationship ended about 6 years ago). We were definitely friends for a while before we started dating.

The second was a girl a met on OKCupid. We dated for 1.5 years, and broke up spring of last year, largely because she never really wanted to move out of NJ.

I don't think I am unromantic. I loved both of these girls very much and was heartbroken when the relationships ended.

I have had a couple of short-term "relationships" that were purely sexual (including since I moved here), that were completely satisfying for what they were.