Heh, fwiw I totally agree with what you’re saying. I am in the small minority that values humor first, intelligence second, and looks 3rd. And really nothing in particular about looks, I’m actually attracted to uniqueness and model type women are a huge turn off to me.

What I was saying (and you seem to agree) is that the online landscape is very shallow in general. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of honest, well intentioned people.

But the very first filter, the very first “am i interested I this person” is a swipe left or right based on looks. That is very alien to me, because men and women don’t always fall for the one guy/girl at the office/college/bar that they deemed the hottest. Most people are somehwere on the spectrum of average looking (by its very definition) and attraction builds overtime based on the zillion other qualities a human brings to the table.

What I’m getting at is the fact that when I worked in entertainment and was surrounded by very intelligent, clever people, I had zero problem dating. But as I joked earlier the toothless 22 yo with 5 kids would always swipe left.

Even though it has become well accepted, there are still a lot of upper echelon quality women that don’t engage in online dating at all. I know because I worked with quite a few of them, and banged quite a few of them.

Upper echelon quality women who are not overwhelmed by their job typically have no issues getting picked up in person. Online dating is very job like for both sides. It’s takes a lot of work either filtering through all the bull**** guys send at women or guys sending bs out to women especially if it’s custom. With that being said, depending on where you live there can still be quality out there. To me online dating especially non tinder apps, let’s me filter out some trash and obviously let’s me know the people on the sites are either ready to date or at least interested in dating for the most part. I’m mad awkward in hitting on randoms and I know I’ve ****ed up a number of chances in person during first encounters where girls were hitting on me first. But online dating to me was a lot easier especially where I was living. But for many it might be worse.

Yea I can get behind that. What are some of the best apps in your opinion?

In Philly I liked okcupid and hinge but I’ve heard they aren’t good anymore. Met my wife on OKC. I know people who have done match and tinder with varying levels of success. In nyc a few of my Asian friends liked coffee meets bagel. I also know about the league in Philly but my one friend on it has had a few dates but little else.

Funny story, I had signed up for the league and was on their waiting list. I got some email that I was in but didn’t do anything else since I was engaged. Didn’t realize they had auto created an account from my FB or LinkedIn and I was on it. My friend, a girl, was like you have an account. I immediately deleted it but didn’t realize it auto generated.

Wow, great post. Yeah, I do agree. I am not online dating, am married, but my really good buddy was doing it like crazy. I was shocked at the disposable quality with which everyone seems to treat dating now.

I still remember using Friendster back when online dating was still relatively niche. I never have had the pleasure (or perhaps misfortune) of being able to just pull up dates on an app.

I think that you are very correct--in person, you might end up being attracted to someone who would not really be your first choice if you just went off pics.

More than that, though, it seems to me like everyone is looking for the next better thing, the next hotter chick or dude to bang, the next fix. It's a drug, imo.

I am not saying it's all bad. Far from it. But the landscape has changed and I think it has major drawbacks as well as major perks.

Hey Guys,

Back in the game and new to all of this. I have someone who wants a FWB type relationship. She wants it to be open to either of us being with whoever we want to be with.

We just have transitioned from being best friends to adding this component. Does it ever work out? If I have strong feelings for her, am I just setting myself up for failure?

Really conflicted as to the next move. Do I lay down a ultimatum or just go with the flow? My sense is that if i see hr ****ing another dude, it would really upset me.

Whats the play here? I am older than her, so it may also be a generational thing too.

This is the online dating thread

if you cant handle it, meaning it will clutter up your life and you ll have ngeative/down feelings about it, since it seems you might, then maybe just remain friends?

I think its simple if you can handle it then thats awesome if not then maybe just dont add in benefits part

Why is the next step an ultimatum? Have you told her that you have more feelings for her than just friends or FWBs?

Do not "lay down an ultimatum", come on.

Plenty of FWB arrangements end because one person catches feels. If you're already catching feels, and she's not at that point, this likely won't work out. Especially if you're "best friends"; you could lose a friend if you're not careful.

Given you're "back in the game" and she's a "best friend", she likely knows your situation (recent breakup?), so I'm inclined to question her intentions (without knowing more, obviously).

Damn good analysis!

She definitely knows my situation, so you got me thinking!

Thanks for the advice.

If you’re in a FWB relationship and have the feels, that’s not your best friend. That’s someone you have the feels for...your best friend is (hopefully) a person you can talk to about your feels and who is in no danger of getting banged by you. People say their partner/spouse is their best friend...I can see that I guess...but any other time you’re banging or really want to bang, or have the feels for your “best friend”, that ain’t your best friend...it’s an object of your affection or lust...it’s different.

What if it legit starts as best friend, but then you get the feels? We have not banged yet, just some kissing/make out. She is clear about where she stands, and I realize once we cross the line, its tough to go back. Probably not worth going forward if it means losing a amazing friend unless it is to a relationship in my mind.

Finding sex is not the issue, finding a partner is going to be the challenge I am seeing.

Thanks for your comments Malucci.

^ She isn't interested in dating you. She is interested in ****ing other people. If you can't handle that then don't sleep with her. I'd just count my lucky stars old man and stop caring about what else she's doing. She's never going to be exclusive with you.

A girl that I'm still sorta long distance friends with started out as a Good friends -> FWB situation, but the 2nd time we both had sex we told each other I love you multiple times during the session. The following few weeks we barely talked and didn't talk for about 4 years until she visited Vegas for work and reached out. We went out for drinks, didn't have sex, but we reconnected as friends and still occasionally talk, mostly during football season.

The FWB thing never works with someone that you've known for a long time. It's a much easier situation starting it off as FWB (easily done through online dating). Life is short though, if you want to have sex with her.... Do it and figure out the complicated stuff afterwards.



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I have no idea what is going on itt

You are concerned about casual sex with a friend bc it might ruin the friendship?

1) lol

2) if you are truly great friends, and i personally think real friendship is very rare, it should work fine. I've had 2 close female friends that I banged on and off

3) if you want more than just sex, the most sure fire way to make a girl fall in love with you is to sex them. Even girls that say they want fwb...as foatie has proven through example.

If you get mad at the thought of her with other guys then you are already not her friend, as malucci explained. Might as well bang her.

You don’t get romantic feels for your best friend. Once that happens, that’s not a best friend anymore. No matter how it started.

That's kinda presumptuous. A good friend and I made out, said some things, did some light physical stuff on a drunken night out. I thought it through, decided I'd like to try dating, and talked to her about it.

She was out on that. Just wasn't into me sober I guess lol. Anyway, it was fine. It's not like I'm some dumbass who believes in "the one". We're still great friends, went to each other's weddings, etc.

The whole "oh no don't date/sex a friend or you'll ruin everything" doesn't compute with me. I really don't get it. It doesn't ruin **** if people have a handle on their emotions.

I bet 99% of people cant handle their emotions solidly enough though

I don’t often agree with “the pleasure”, but yeah, you were among the .00000000001% actually mature enough to handle being rejected like that, and still maintain a friendship without pining over that person and otherwise acting like a little *****.

What I’m saying is, you can’t be “best friends” with someone who you want to date, because you can’t objectively talk to them about trysts, or crushes, or relationships they might have as a friend, because your judgment and intentions are clouded by your desire to be with them. That’s all. You can still be friendly with them or have a friend relationship, but for me, when your intentions are “more than a friend” it’s really hard to actually be a friend.

My only good female friends are lesbians. It's an interesting and very transparent perspective in a friendship that a lot of men could benefit from. Mainly because there's no expectations of anything sexual, that you can maintain a friendship while pointing out each other's faults/issues/perspective on dating women.

One of the biggest common ground I find with my 3 lesbian friends are all sharing the same type of heartache over an ex or a situation where we may have had mixed signals/wrong interpretations from a woman. You know, those situations like the topic at hand that left us looking silly when trying to escalate a relationship with someone who didn't have those same feelings. They experience a shockingly amount of similar feelings as us straight men in relationships. I will add the caveat that all 3 or my lesbian friends are more on the "Dom" side with one being more of a switch.

Wow, I think I've been missing out on some golden opportunities.

So up until now on Tinder I've just been swiping right nonstop, which results in lots of matches, but a lot of them I just ignore b/c out of 25 or so, there are maybe 2 that I'll pursue. I'll send my canned opener to 7+s or girls who have a great profile, but leave the rest just sitting there in my queue.

Today I decided, what the heck, I'll just message the best of the rest and take an aggro line and see what happens. So I sent a variation of my canned opener to about 20 girls, asked them 2 or 3 questions about their lives so I didn't come off too aggro, and then hit them with (paraphrasing): Listen, I'm just looking for a friend with benefits. I've studied tantra a bit and want to find someone to practice with. (a line or two about tantra) I know it's a bit direct, but I don't want to waste anyone's time and hide my intentions.

Anyway, I've hit up 4 girls with the FWB line and it's being received way better than I'd have imagined. Only 1 insta-deleted me, 1 seemed mildly interested but I don't think she'll be down, 1 seems pretty interested, and the other is a pretty attractive 19 year old who said "we should try!" and then gave me her #.

Pretty small sample, but I have probably another 100-200 girls of average or above looks that I can try this on and early returns seem pretty positive.

So it's looking good for building a rotation of FWBs while I see if anything serious develops with other girls.

You get any more successful on Tinder and the men of Mexico are going to start lobbying to have you deported.

I feel like it’s going to be really hard for something serious to develop if you have a huge supply of FWBs

Depends on the girl I guess. After 2 dates, I'm pretty into marathon girl and if we sleep together soon and have good chemistry then I don't think it would be too difficult to focus on her. OTOH, if I have a supply of FWBs then my motivation to look for something more serious will dwindle.

There are a couple girls I'm using the FWB ploy on who are cuter than I thought at first glance and if we had great chemistry in the bedroom could actually see myself being interested in for something more serious.

From what I gather, the girls that I meet on Tinder usually strongly prefer foreign guys. Most have had a Euro or American bf before me, so I don't believe I'm really denying a Mexican dude the chance of meeting girls as they'd probably look for another foreigner if not me. Obviously there are probably lots of girls who seek out local guys, but I'll never be meeting them anyway.