To Gaddy, I feel all of the feelings and sentiments you are feeling. I thought my ex was the one and I was going to make a real effort to step up this year, but when things went South, she started talking to her long distance ex behind my back. Instead of us communicating and fixing things, she and I both distanced ourselves and after almost 3 years with me, she continued to entertain her ex during our troubles and eventually left when she had the chance.

It's a tough pill to swallow in this life, especially for those with feelings of low self worth/esteem, but no one is going to love you more than they do themselves. I think I'm at the point in my life where if I don't make a deep emotional connection with someone ever again, I'll be ok with that. I have other things that I absolutely need to put my focus toward. If the opportunity cost comes at being single forever, than I would rather have that then a 10+ year long marriage and kids that will eventually end in divorce. Yet at the same time, I know my own faults and I'll never be able to commit to someone long term because I dwell on what's going to eventually go wrong instead of staying in the moment and building with someone.

I think it would help to talk through talk therapy with a therapist if you have access to one. Once you figure out your faults, you have the option of working on correcting them which will eventually help in your future relationships. Me, I'm inherently lazy, and ultimately.... I love money more than women. Marriage and a family isn't an end game for me, as I don't think that will bring me happiness. Once I find true happiness, those things may manifest themselves origanically. As for now, I know I'm much too broken and have too many things I need to work on for myself before I even consider getting into another relationship.

That was a great post and you seem like a logical/introspective person. Break down what you needs vs your goals in a 6/12/24/48 month life plan. Then break down how much time you're going to need for healing before you put in the effort of forcing another relationship or trying to patch things with the ex.

yessssss

Gaddy, I think you just need to make a few tweaks to your lifestyle and you'll be fine. You should definitely be stepping outside every day, even if just for 5 minutes, but I think 30 minutes daily is best. Maybe it's doubly important in super chaotic cities like LA or CDMX. Luckily I leave near a massive park, and I find just reconnecting a bit with nature every now and then is important. Don't let yourself stay inside all day, having food delivered, etc. It's a bad habit.

I think you also need a couple hobbies you're passionate about that get you excited to go out and do things with other people. For me it's stuff like practicing yoga in a studio where I can meet like-minded people or practicing languages in a café or park with other people who want to learn English and usually have interesting stories to share. Even if you don't go out to drink with buddies there are dozens of ways to find things to do and meet people.

Re: meditation, you don't need to hire a high-priced guru, or even need a guru at all. Meditation is simple (well actually it's hard as ****), but the mechanics are simple. Sit on the floor or in a chair, and just focus on your breath wherever you feel it the most: in and out thru the nostrils, the stomach moving up/down, or the chest are the most common. Try to keep the mind clear, but of course, thoughts will pop up, we're only human. Just say to yourself "thinking about what I'm gonna eat for lunch, returning to my breath". Don't judge or get mad at yourself if your mind drifts, be friendly to yourself, recognize your mind is drifting and return to the breath.

It mind sound pointless or useless, but the first step towards taking back control of our mind is awareness that it has drifted into useless thoughts of the past or future. The more we train ourselves to do this, the better we get at it and soon our mind is less bogged down by pointless thoughts and more available to enjoy what we're experiencing now. The benefits are basically endless, but in my personal experience, I notice a massive difference in my ability to concentrate in poker for longer periods, handle bad beats, and even on dates I feel more confident compared to when I get away from it and get back into lazy habits.

BTW, there's an awesome app called Calm. Try it for 7 days and see if you like it. There are a few guided meditations that will direct you through the basics. Also some little 7 day meditation series on dealing with stress or anxiety, finding joy in life, tons of different topics. There was even a primer on dealing with the stress of your team being in a world cup penalty shootout haha. But it might be just what you're looking for in terms of feeling like you're doing the "correct" thing with your meditation practice. Even though technically, there is no right or wrong, the important thing is just taking the time out to do it, even 5 minutes a day, every day, can be hugely beneficial.

I feel like trying to do meditation-like things such as breathe on my own just leads me to focus on the negative thoughts more and how I need to do this because of them, focusing on not losing control leads to losing it. Of course, whenever I try to breathe is when I'm already in a bad mindset.

Foatie, something I've said to my brother, who is also in a similar situation but from a relationship that ended three years ago, is that he and I tried to make it work with two women who couldn't be good partners to us or anyone. There were always red flags that we overlooked because we wanted a partner. We shouldn't be pessimistic because they didn't work out. It was good experience, and now we can find women who are better fits for us and more ready for long-term partnership.

Amen Brother.

For me it goes back to my youth. I used to love playing with my broken toys the most.

Before I got to this post I was going to ask about Pocahontas! I don't have a ring on it :/

So people have success with online dating? I wonder how much time and effort the ones that are getting laid all the time put into their profile on tinder or whatever dating app they are using.

My profile is 3 sentences. 4 if you count "No single moms ". My first comments on my profile are "You're very blunt" or "You seem interesting". vague and interesting at the same time seems to work.

fyp

Gaddy you sound really depressed but also sounds like you have a lot going for you. The thing I would work on first and foremost is the isolation, in whatever ways you can. Even if that just means taking a walk in the *shudder* sub 70 degree LA weather.

You could also consider getting some professional help, whether from a therapist or psychiatrist. Before trying any meds though I would recommend trying out using a mellow, euphoric well-reviewed sativa-dominant marijuana strain.

Seems like isolation is rough. I’d think about joining a gym or a sports team just to meet folks and potentially friends. Another option could be a one night a week, social job where you can get around people and meet potential friends. I can’t imagine my life without a strong group of fiends, I’d be depressed too. You have to work on your friend relationships just as hard as you work on your romantic relationships and your job. You’ve clearly neglected them for most of your life.

I can’t imagine being in a relationship where I was there only friend especially if you don’t want children and likely animals. Jfc that’d be miserable.

I would say that I'm not overall depressed the way my post might sound, and yet I have felt the way the post sounds at times over the past couple months. Perhaps it's good because it motivates me to do more than just try to find someone to replace my ex. My mindset now and when I wrote the post is actually better than when I felt a lot of the things I depicted in the post. Since having sex with the multi-orgasmic woman, I'm really not focusing on the ex and what went wrong in our relationship anymore, and we're not communicating at the moment. I do think talking to a psychologist about what happened with the relationship could be good for me to get the closure I couldn't get with the ex. But I'm also down on therapy because my ex and I went to a couple's counselor for 10 weeks, and I think she failed us.

Adult friendships just seem to become tougher to keep at the same level as you get older. I still text with my two best friends since childhood and brother on a daily basis. I tried not to neglect them when in my five-year relationship. The one who is married with kids, we would get together as couples to do something once or twice a year. I would see my brother once every couple months but we did things on our own less. It would more be him coming to a movie with us or a family visit with mother. The other friend I would meet every 2-3 months during a weekday, and usually we would have lunch and then go bowling (he's really good and I was trying to get better). There's a guy I play tennis with regularly, but he's my mom's best friend's husband and in his 70s. Still a good tennis player. I do want to cultivate more male friendships, and perhaps activities are the way to do that. So far, I have my wingman from the other night who I met at a local bar. We text and coordinate when we're going to be at the bar sometimes.

I think the key is finding some activities that will be fun, benefit me in some way, provide social interaction and just get me out of the apartment. Options I've considered include group intermediate tennis lessons (I've been playing my whole life, but find I develop some bad habits over time and can do advanced things yet forget basic ones), a bowling league (I wouldn't be very good in this, as my average is like 140-150), yoga, pilates, personal trainer, meditation. Fossil, can a typical inflexible guy start yoga or pilates without it being embarrassing? I had a woman tell me that she thinks 3-6 months with a personal trainer could do wonders for me, as I'm already skinny fit. It's appealing because, at 40 and single, it seems like it's now or never for me to have some real muscular definition. Though I also have nice clothes I don't want to outgrow.

who gives a ****. c'mon man.

I've done yoga as an inflexible guy. It's fine. I did a $99/month trial at a popular studio in Madison. I found it to take up too much time for the benefit personally.

bobb you were a regular ITT back when I used to lurk alot, any updates with you? or have you slowed down? seemed like you and atf and then when you moved you were out 1-2x a week on dates

Find a home poker game.

Gaddy, I know you arent truly depressed but you are better off than a lot of people, you easily have a lot more room to work with or work on than others(and even those people arent completely helpless at all, just need more effort into betterment of themselves than avg). Other people are starting a more "detriment" andf still finding ways to grow and better their life.

you can do whatever the **** you want and you shouldn't give a **** what people think. hate to say this but dont be afraid to fire up tinder and just chat up girls and hang out with them even if they arent attractive to you once you are in a slightly better state. thats awesome you and your bother have a strong relationship.

things could be worse, you could be shorter than 5'6 with a gaming chair that needs replaced

Pleasure dropping real knowledge biscuits.

He posted “his girl,” so I’ll assume he’s a one woman guy right now. The post is like 25 posts ago.

Gaddy, adult friendships are overrated. True friendships are kids you grew up with, or a sibling. Those are ride or die. If you have one you are super lucky. A lot don’t. That’s how it is.

But do not look at everyone else and think why am I the only guy with no friends. Most of these friendships are level 1. Work. Kids friends parents. Neighbors. Even old college buddies. These people disappear when you get a divorce. When your wife is diagnosed with cancer. When your kid gets kicked out of college. These friendships are 99% “convenience” friendships. I’m not speaking from a point of negativity, it’s just how it is...and people that think otherwise are generally in for a rude awakening if the cards start going cold.

Be comfortable with being alone. Being comfortable in your own skin in solitude is one of the greatest “level ups” in life imo.

I’m not saying don’t be social. I’m not saying don’t make friends. But love yourself first and realize it’s your world man. Start doing things YOU want to do. I haven't really seen you post much on that. You keep wondering what you are supposed to do.

Kind of like fossil. He’s a lone wolf doing what he loves in a foreign country, and coincidentally that makes him very social wrt dating. (Sorry if I’m stretching a bit, just going off what I know)

didnt even know that oh ****.

good for him.

Yes, this is true

Lol what.

Yes of course. There are lots of studios with classes specifically for beginners or "level 1" classes that could be a good fit. A lot of gyms offer yoga, but I find they're just going through the motions and don't really add anything to the class. A good teacher will challenge you without pushing you too far, add insight into the class, give you things to think about to improve your life off the mat, and give solid cues/adjustments so you're in the postures correctly.

Yoga's been pretty amazing for you, and of course before I started I was just like most guys who think it's just stretching or for hippies and never thought I'd do it. I really think there's a style that suits everyone. It can range from pure stretching (yin yoga) or restorative yoga with almost no physicality required up to extremely demanding stamina or strength based classes that will kick almost anyone's arse, and anything in between.

The teacher is super important too. When I find one I really like, I will go to their classes daily. If the teacher is meh, I'd rather just stay home and stream my own classes from teachers I like. My favorite teacher of all time was just a guy you could have a beer with. He would crack jokes and cuss in classes, just to see how people would react, but he was also a really deep individual and would discuss how yoga helped him immensely and offer nuggets of wisdom that I still remember to this day. I like a more relatable teacher like that, not the airy-fairy types who say stuff like "and now open your heart to receive the sun's rays" or random crap.

Sorry for the derail, I'd probably drone on for hours if I could.

The Tinder run good continues. Even though I am "giving this a break" I might as well get the rest of the months subscriptions worth. Here I am, kinda relaxed, I smoked way too much weed but these two are open to meeting this weekend with the top girl (and full smoking hot body to the right) in Georgetown, DC near a few spots that I go to that she's never been to. The bottom girl seems more my type but the lack of a full body pic makes me believe she may be shorter and wider than her pics lead on. Even though I would go out with her regardless. The top one is 6'1. I'm a legit 5'10, maybe 6'0+ at the top of my haircut. Taller women don't intimidate me and she said that "every guy she's ever dated was shorter than her so she doesn't care". She seems a bit aggressive, but I can click with those types occasionally although I perfer a more chill, low key partner. I'm trying to weigh gather the will to get up and take the train into DC or if I want to put this off and potentially miss my shot. I was going to play poker tomorrow.

I guess I'll end up booking dates with both. I really wanted to take a break, but I'm not the type to miss a blessing. Pic attached.

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