I won't spoil anything except to say that yes, Hang the DJ is an amazing episode.

It's only ~45 minutes, which is short for a Black Mirror episode, so give it a shot if anyone hasn't checked out that series yet.

I don't drink and drive as a general dating plan or lifestyle choice. I just didn't think through situation until I was already drunk. I was also drunk when I made those posts yesterday, so they may not have been clear.

Petite girl who lives 20 minute drive from the bar and had to go into work at noon Saturday. We had 3 stops due to the long wait for a table at the small taco restaurant. She still mentioned wanting to go to the third place and asked for a "sweet cocktail" I made the mistake of getting us both a long island(which she ordered at the first bar) because I thought I should get a cocktail to match her and not let her get more drunk than I. But I don't like or know many sweet cocktails. In retrospect, I should have asked the bartender for a suggestion and told them to pour it a little short so she doesn't get too drunk. If I draw a feminist bartender, that may even get me a free drink.

I thought her coming over would be best, but she thought that meant sex and didn't want to. Then I thought me driving to hers would be better than her driving to hers because I felt I could handle the alcohol better and am probably a better driver. I know either of us driving would have been stupid. It would have been better to Uber one way and pick her up in the morning or had a friend take her back. I just didn't properly consider these things because of her distance/work situation.

All of that is sorta the point

Promising? I kinda cringed reading that.

Maybe it's a "you had to be there" ?

Few people would ever have a good rating then, since short term dating is rarely broken off with things going swimmingly.

The only folks who I could imagine getting a good rating would be unthreatening 'nice guy' types who continually get dumped for not being hot enough, with his dates all feeling bad, giving him five stars and saying **** like 'Such a lovely guy and a great catch but I wasn't in the right place to date him'

Bob,

I fear you're still being unclear.

Did she drive 20 min to meet you, so both of you had cars there?

I feel like you're at several years now of getting unintentionally more drunk than is smart, especially on first dates.

Why did you want to make sure you were at least as drunk as her? That seems dumb. It's a first date. You should be looking to make sure she has a good time and doesn't feel uncomfortable, scared, etc.

If she was drunk and wanted to call it a night, and it's your first date, it seems unlikely that "you should come sleep it off at my house" is going to be treated as anything other than "I got you drunk and Joe expect to have sex with you." Was she pushing to drive herself home? To Uber home?

Meh, anyway, seems pretty poorly done.

Who knows. Could go lots of ways.

Wow damn, Bobbo needs a new living situation if his roommate Joe expects to sleep with all his dates.

I feel like there are a lot of people in this thread who give advice that explains why they never get laid. I don’t know if that’s always been the case, but that’s the strong feeling I’m getting now.

Do you get laid? I'm getting married in a few weeks to a girl I met on OKCupid.

Is getting laid the only goal? Damn sexist!

Idk if Malucci is talking about me, but whatever.

If the reason you "get laid" is that you get women a couple extra drinks and then pressure them to stay at your place instead of driving home (or whatever variant of this applies), you should at a minimum reexamine your life choices.

Bob specifically seems to have repeated problems/situations of women calling him out for ****ty behavior while drunk over the past couple years. He's young (or at least he was when he started posting about dating around here, iirc) but (imo) even as a young guy you should probably seek to trade off a possible short term increase in number of times you've had sex or women you've had sex with in order to a) not be a dirtbag b) not have other people think you're a dirtbag c) maximize the number of times you have sex in the long term d) maximize the number of women you have sex with long term e) maximize the number of times you have sex with the average woman you have sex with.

The behavior he's had previously seems likely to wind up with him having sex with a bunch of women who then feel gross about having had sex with him. Yes, some will want to date him more later in order to not feel like sluts for having slept with him while drunk on date 1, but that's a pretty **** thing to try to plan into your life.

I thought he was talking about Bobbo.

And I agree with your assessment, pretty much what I thought, but instead of dislike for Bobbo, I am honestly rooting for him to succeed at a normal relationship.

But tbh, if I knew a guy like him IRL, I'd have given up on that by now.

To be clear, I think I like Bobbo! I think that if he straightened out some pretty easy to correct juvenile behaviors he'd probably be a pretty good and happy dude. I don't want to be too overly armchair psych guy but I kind of feel it's like a "I used to be fat and never have sex and now I'm in better shape and can have sex so I'm OK being kind of gross/unethical to max it out to make up for lost time" situation. Meh.

NAME NAMES!

Haha I certainly have a few posts ITT circa 2014-2016 that I'm not proud of (and I can shamefully admit to enjoying ATF's posts back in the day, sorta like the Warmdeck of this thread).

Regarding cit's bullet points: there's def something to be said for such short term vs long term tradeoffs. As written, it's easy to agree with those goals but it's not always the easiest exercise to honestly reflect and assess if you're behaving as the best version of yourself - I sorta imagine that there are a bunch of folks whose use of this thread is a sounding board to try to improve that version of themselves <shrug>

Malucci has a point. A few people in this thread regularly pass judgments on the online dating lives of others but don't post any of their own stories/anecdotes. Presumably these people are in successful relationships but unless they toiled away at online dating for a while, their opinions are not worth much.

It's quite lame.

I doubt I'm someone you guys are talking about, as I don't think I've been too judgmental in this thread, but just thought I'd share that I have been dating online since 1995. Back then hardly anyone even had pictures of themselves on the dating sites. No one had camera phones, and not many had access to a scanner to digitize their photos.

The biggest other difference I know of between then and now is that pretty much every woman was fine with my picking her up at her place for a first meeting date. Gradually over the years, more and more wanted to meet at public places for the first time, and then later typically even for second and third dates (if we didn't get at least somewhat intimate on the first date). For a number of years now I never even think of suggesting meeting anywhere other than a public place since that has become the standard.

I am not going to name names, but I did love the request. I appreciate Bob and others who are very open about their experiences on here. Things like that help the people who are here looking for help and insight into what’s actual going on in the world of online dating.

Cit, your thoughtful, well written comments are always good, but they aren’t always without veiled and sometimes not veiled judgment. What’s a dirtbag? Your definition might be very different from someone else’s...and certainly has to be in many cases.

I feel like there should be a lot less armchair quarterbacking of dates/stories on here, particularly from people who never post any of their own, unless the OP of the story asks for advice or where did I go wrong? This isn’t in regards to drunk driving or anything, obviously no one is supporting or defending that kind of thing.

I really believe the whole Aziz Ansari derail in here only further worsened the state of this thread where everyone now sees some moral issue in every male/female interaction and that our main goal on our dates (as men) should be to coddle whomever we’re with (if she’s a female) in order to get the best possible rating of kindness and least likely possibility of being blown up for some kind of (imagined) sexual misconduct. I’m referring to incidences where there was no actual misconduct.

I’d like to see more stories, more strategies, and less judgmental posts and snooty behavior. And if I’m wrong and crazy in saying that, I welcome those opinions from everyone.

Yes, exactly

Malucci,

Well written.

My impression is that bobbo does not want to be the guy that women wake up the next day feeling "ugh, I had/that guy handed me one too many drinks last night and then I regretably had sex with him." To be clear I personally pass moral judgement on anyone whose goal is to go on dates with the goal of maximizing their chances of having sex ~by any means necessary. I don't think it's "snooty" to look down on people who are handing drunk woman one last long island before inviting them to spend the night on a first date. **** that. My advice and judgement toward Bob are intended to be responsive to what I thought we're his goals in dating.

Myself I have literally zero online dating experience and generally try not to comment on the online part of things beyond "be a decent human." I have a fair bit of irl dating experience and am now married. I have many friends who actively (online) date and discuss with me.

But still, point taken.

Interesting. Not the impression I've gotten from bobbus posts

I feel like all of us benefit from an environment here where people are encouraged to post their stories and ask for advice without fear of judgment or moral superiority and I’d like to see more of that taking place.

Which isn’t to say I don’t appreciate your posts here or anywhere else for that matter Cit, but if you could be more mindful of the tone I think that better serves the greater good of the thread.

cit,

Come on, we EXPECT that kind of stuff from ATF's protege!

citanul,

I guess add me to the crowd of people on your side, not Malucci's. I have no issue with passing moral judgement on people who are behaving ****tily. This isn't a comment on bobbo in general or on this situation in particular, I just don't really agree with the tone policing/safe space mentality.

ETA: Or, just what Dean said, I just tried to say it in a nicer way.