^ I'm seeing a pattern already...

[Spoiler]I think this is pretty much exactly the mindset I need to be taking for life in general, and it's one I've strayed from. Simply venting and taking in the feedback (from her, from myself, and advice like this), though maybe not the best route, quickly shows how my hyper-focus on one person will stagnate my personal growth. I've become so hung up, and worried, and pressured, to where I've become a bit lost.

Would making substantial improvements in other areas of my life be so apparent she would take notice? Maybe, but we don't really cross paths otherwise, and if I have the same preoccupations and weak need for affection as before, it wouldn't matter anyway. A lot of times to work hard to better myself, it's difficult to see for what purpose I am putting in all that effort, and a lack of motivation follows. When someone is a part of my life who I consider special and care about and value, it feels like there is a frame of reference for many of my actions. I seek out fun things to do so I can do them with that person. It's like having this other person gives me purpose to do so much more. That doesn't come as easily when it's just me in the picture. Maybe others can relate, maybe not.

Those things you listed, that is exactly where I should be dedicating my time and energy. I can feel better about myself regardless of the outcome with this one person, and doing so creates many more opportunities for fun and excitement and happiness than if I sit idle with what I have. [/Spoiler]

21 and blonde?

Ok, I match with redhead, 31. Bio says she likes inappropriate jokes.

Thursday:

Me: Did you know that, statistically speaking, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape?

Her: Hahaha yeah there's usually one guy that can't get it up!

Me: A+ reply, although I'm guessing if you've heard them all before if you've been on here long

Her: I've only had an account for 2 weeks, already been stalked and found a catfish!

Me: Ok wow already the full tinder experience, nice!

Friday:

Me: So unfortunately I don't plan on stalking you this weekend so we'll have to meet for a drink instead, are you free tonight?

Her: I'm busy all weekend so you're only chance to see me is by stalking! I'm actually busy til late next week, message me after the weekend and we'll set something up

Me: Ok cool sounds good, enjoy the weekend!

Saturday: unmatched.

Like I don't take any of it personally at all but is there always so much back and forth just trying to line up a date? Getting bored of it already!

The pattern on the first two was you making a forward sexual suggestion on the second message, and then being immediately dropped.

Ah ok, that's funny because that wasn't my intention at all but I can see how it came across that way.

I didn't see either as a forward sexual suggestion and surprised someone would think that way...but apparently that's how it came off.

If you subscribe then just go back and listen to a few weeks. The free version obviously has ads but is still quality stuff.

This was done fairly well (except do not make a rape joke). Provide two possible nights to meet, "Wednesday or Thursday work for you?", but depending on how the conversation is flowing get her number before that. Definitely should have exchanged numbers when she said to message next week.

Same-night meetups do work sometimes but usually not. Should have been "I'm free tonight actually, does that work? Maybe Tuesday if not?"

Don't ask them to come over to your place, that is too forward/sexual.

The man-eating one is prob just she wasn't into it or is bad on Tinder. I don't see that as sexual unless you meant it that way. Did you mean it that way? I would just take it as silly.

Don't get discouraged, just see it as like:

Match with 10% (my real % is much lower than this I think).
Get responses from 50% of those.
Set up a date with 15% of those.
Date actually happens with 50% of those (both of you don't flake).

Something like that.

The point is to use your infatuation with her mainly as a motivating factor for self-improvement. You should be dating during this time (because that honestly helps in your goal of getting back with her eventually), and as a side-effect of all of this you're somewhat likely to get over it faster than you might if you wallowed and kept texting her needily.

She'll see your improvement eventually, either through social media or friends or you re-engaging in conversation some months down the line. Don't worry about it right now, just do not text her again. Are you a basketball fan? Ask yourself what Gregg Popovich would do, as the smart play with the highest EV (he would say not to text her again right now). Or another smart coach you admire. Or James Bond.

(Don't use this to get like completely obsessed and not take no for an answer though, obviously.)

My online dating this year has followed a predictable pattern: go on four or five dates, sleep with each other a couple of times, have fun but neither party feels it's going further, break off. (Usually her who does that)

Then feel a weird mixture of sadness and excitement to start again with someone new.

This familiar to anyone?

Pop might want to rest his starters for while, I'll go with that. All good recommendations, thanks

There are thousands of reasons why girls could unmatch you and surprisingly few of them have anything to do with you. Maybe her ex texted her out of the blue and she snap ditched all of her tinder matches.

Do not try to do too much through messaging. Just try to actually meet them as soon as possible.

Ive been in a monogamous relationship for a while, but I'm pretty sure I was exchanging like 3-5 messages tops before 1st date (not including setting up the logistics of the date).

Pretty sure this is just dating in general until you find someone you click with enough to really get into. Definitely recognize this as my basic pattern when I was actively dating.

Forgot watching season 1 episode 1 of Friends could be awkward when dating a girl who used to be engaged...

I'm a white dude and was watching A Bronx Tale the first time I hooked up with this black chick...that was a little strange

I hope when it started you locked your door and told her, 'Now you's can't leave.'

Lol

It was her place...so that would have made it weird(er).

Loled irl

Definitive proof that nice guys finish last?:


Cliffs: Girl with alopecia (i.e. no hair anywhere so wears a wig and drawn on eyebrows) is set up on date with a decent-looking guy. She breaks the news that she's wearing a wig, shows him her bald head, puts back on the wig. He tells her she's beautiful without the wig and tells her to ditch it. All seems to be going well...

Eventually, she dumps the guy for being "too nice".

Not surprising at all.

Maybe I've said it here, but one of the best pieces of advice was given to me by a woman.

She said "treat us like **** every once in a while, or we will think you dont care"

I thought it was silly but ive seen it proven true more than not.

The trick is to do it at the right time, and to what degree.



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cmon RJ, you know you have your own definition of "too nice"

Not really.

And even if I did or other women do, there's a difference between someone being "too nice", which is often just code for too clingy/desperate/trying way too hard too early and someone "treating her like ****."

That's just the old trope of women preferring *******s/bad boys to nice guys, who are usually anything but.

Being too nice can be as simple as always doing what she wants.

Then she gets bored because she's always getting her way, or the relationship gets too predictable.

If you disagree once in a while, it changes the dynamic of the relationship,in effect making the relationship more challenging and some people thrive on that.

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Here's the post RJ responded to. Disagreeing once in a while is much different than treating someone like ****. No need to be an *******; just don't be a beta cuck.