i think everyone agrees how you present yourself is important

YES YES YES!

I go out to a pretty average clubs. I think the men there represent the average over population. It is intellectually neither lower 10 % no highest 10% of the population. And it is completely different reaction from if I tell the truth that I am a physicist or if I lie and pretend to be something more cute like a hair dresser or a secretary.

Keep in mind that my looks remain about the same. So the difference makes really only what I pretend to be.

Physicist has never, not a one time worked well. Usually guys get still and disappear under some pretense, when my job is mentioned. Pretending to be something else has a much much much better success rate. But that leads to another problem later...... I mean I can pretend only for so long that main thing in my life is how cute the new color of nail polish is.

And in online dating it is about the same. If I keep my profile low and cute, I get a lot of initial response from guys, but the moment I start to show what I really am, things just dissolve.

May be ... I don't know ..... I thought that may be it is not my job in itself, but how I present myself, when talking about it. I mean my job is the only area in my life, where I am completely confident. And may be I should learn to talk about it in more funny, more lighthearted way.

Or maybe an intelligent woman shouldn't be looking to dance clubs for dating material.

I love smart women, especially eastern European ones.

Now consider this for a moment,do you want to be around people who dislike you being intelligent?

Or maybe the fact you have a brain and want to talk more than just the latest Kardashian news, and that doesn't appeal to the groups you hang in,maybe you need to change your hangout.





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Reading thread next, but iirc you should just forward all women shirtless tattoo pic, and offer them their choice of 2 or 3 bang slots.

Also, maybe weed out crazies on probation this time, but ymmv.


Srs biz: it is gonna be a hard sell for anyone who is low drama. I'd pull back from discussing it on a first date unless it is truly on point.

Dated a lawyer who I would consider smart. Was with her for a year. Def would date another one. It's nice being able to ask what your girl what she thinks about stuff and get intelligent responses. They're not as easily manipulated as dumb girls. That's why they aren't as attractive to most guys.

Yeah, see that's my problem. I'm older now and have to target older girls who give less of a **** about that... my days of being able to bang groupie sloots with such tactics are sadly over.

Lapka,

Maybe it's in how you act when you tell someone you're a physicist opposed to when you're going out as make believe? Inner shame?

All,

It's called assortative mating.

Water - I would assume you count yourself as fairly smart. Therefore you at least believe yourself to be able to process and provide interesting conversation with a person you consider smart talking about their day. Imagine someone who is male and dumb. They would likely be bored stiff and prefer to talk with someone whose priorities and life experience are similar to their own. Massive mismatches in one factor like these can be (usually knowingly) made up for in trade for another (trophy wife scenarios and the like for instance).

But yes, generally relationships work best when the people are compatible. Not sure why that would be contentious point. Lapka is unlikely to find a long term great relationship by pretending to be dumb, which she states she knows. But sometimes a lady physicist wants to go out, dance, flirt, and bone. And maybe even bone the same guy two or three times without pretending to herself that she's going to marry the guy. Which again, seems to be what lapka is saying she does.

this thread got really weird possibly metasexist

Yeah I used to think I was smarter than I actually am. Lol at least I'm aware now that I'm not that smart. I have 2+2 to thank for that. Average intelligence is fine anyway. I'm fun. Girls like fun so its all good. I wish I had more cool life experiences but i worked to hard in my younger years. That's why I'm set up though now too. Meh

So she dumbs herself down to not scare the cute guy away. She seems ok with it. Knows she can't do that with a guy she wants a long-term relationship with. Yep def to smart for me. Haha

It works for fun like it is. But clearly I am also looking for long term relationship. What I am doing doesn't work to find long term guy.

So my takeaway from this discussion here:
- to think out how I can talk about my job and stay kind of flirty, light, not scary to the men
- to think more about where I could look for men who are confident enough to not care about my job.

I mean...I don't think that I am a snob. I totally can imagine myself with a guy without college education. Men who can do stuff with their hands -> super cool. But I absolutely don't see myself with a guy who feels himself as a weak part of the relationship.

I am travelling this month to Russia. May be I should have a look there. The dynamic of how things work between sexes is very different there. It would be a pain in the ass to make things work between Russia and Germany, but may be it is worth to keep my eyes open.

First of all, why do you need to talk about your job on dates? You tell him what you do. "I do research on X" or "I am a physicist". No one needs the boring details unless they ask. What I do would bore the tits off of anyone. And even if they ask, you answer their question and if you must continue to talk about your job, choose a funny but honest anecdote about work. "The crazy receptionist put her tits on me." (true story of mine, unfortunately) You're still fun, interesting and most importantly YOURSELF.

Even still, you want a guy with a brain for that.

Yeah, it's hard to imagine a correlation between you saying you're a physicist and men being turned off in such numbers. Even if there was, it's more likely to because they think you're going to be an unfun nerd who they'll not find interesting. Also, you are smart, surely you can come up with some descriptor for what you do instead of saying physicist if you genuinely think it's scaring them off?

I'm on team lapka.

Imho it isn't the PHD in physics, but as someone said earlier, that smart girls aren't easily manipulated. She's gonna see through his schtick and be more work to impress and relate to.

How old are you? Do you have a particular yen for children? What's your timeline like?

If the answer to the second question is no/could be happy either way, I think you should just keep doing you. Settling never works out well.

But, if you're really hell bent on accommodating insecure men, Josie is right. Come up with some "My coworkers are socially awkward" anecdotes. It'll give him some sense of social superiority even if he doesn't match you in brains.

If a Russian chick says she's a physicist there's an assumption that she's boring. If a Russian boy says he's a physicist there's an assumption that he's boring or a bond villain. Both groups likely struggle with dating. It isn't because they're "too smart".

The idea of trying to find someone that appreciates smarts in a german "discoteque" is lol. I imagine it's mostly dummies if not leather crops and poop.

I think the tendency to be manipulated is less a function of intelligence than it is of insecurity.

+1, as well as the need to manipulate

Disagree with bold. If she's attractive, engaging and friendly, I think most men wouldn't gaf about what she does for a living. At that stage it's about attraction and men think with the other head. If there are soliloquies about physics anyone would find that boring.

Somehow exactly there is probably the solution/problem..... I mean I can't completely avoid the question "What are you doing for a living?". I clearly try not to go into the swamp of equations, when I tell that I am a physicist. But somehow..... Anyway tx for ideas. I will work on my jokes and anecdotes game.

You are just right. I clearly have a tendency to become very different when I talk about my job. Sadly smart has nothing to do with being fun. I have to approach this like job interview. To think out the story with jokes and anecdotes, that is honest, but kind of not so scary and then try it out with a mirror that I stay relaxed and flirty and smiling.

I am in my late thirties. I don't have to have a relationship. So no pressure to settle with someone, with whom I am not really happy with. A long term relationship would be kind of icing on the cake, but for that it has to be also really icing and not some kind of foul compromise.

I don't know..... I often think and try somehow to check with reality if my expectations are realistic. I like nerds. If a guy is good at something.... , it doesn't have to be math, it is a turn on. I like competent, I like confident, I like nice.

With insecure.... If a guy is insecure towards me, it just won't work long term. General insecurity in life... I think there is no one with some amount of introspection, who isn't sometimes a little bit insecure.
That can very well be interconnected. I mean my job is the only thing, where I am completely confident. It might be that my insecurity vibes are very different when I am talking about fashion or my job.

Lapka,

What size city do you live in in Germany? What are the main sectors of the economy/workforce there?

Smart physicist would likely face some of the dating problems you're describing in small town USA, but would have amazing dating options in San Francisco, Boston, etc.

You'd be surprised what completely turns some people, men or women, off. I can completely see some men (not all) being intimidated or just put off by a woman with a high level of education or a "smart" job and needing to downplay that in certain circumstances. People make all sort of assumptions, some really really wrong, based on minimal information.

I'm definitely in the group that isn't fearful of smart ladies--my GF has a PharmD and the girl I dated in HS eventually graduated from Stanford Law. It definitely just depends--with that being said I went to an Ivy League school for undergrad and have a masters degree. With that being said, I wasn't a fan of most of the ladies at Cornell and the few dates I've been on with them were pretty awful.

There are definitely men who fear smarter women, but I doubt you'd want to be involved with them anyways for more than a night or two.

I'm unfortunately leery after dating a few women that questioned or belittled my education/income, both right out of the gate on a 1st & last date, or with the last woman I dated, who did it every time we fought. A PhD or earning a high-income wouldn't deter me from pursuing someone I was into, but it does make me feel a bit insecure.