Of course MBabs is 100% wrong in what guys are looking for and totally disregards her own crazy.

You’re crazy. Not crazy, mentally healthy people don’t want to be tied to someone who’s toxic and doesn’t do anything to change their toxicity.

No one cares how sexy or successful you are if you’re a toxic personality that makes others lives more difficult and complicated with your drama and behaviors.

Being a good person who is fun to be around is just about always near the top on guys list. They may say to their ‘buddies’ they want the hottest piece of ass they can get, but that’s lip service and sitcom talk. Almost all guys want a woman that treats them well, emotionally supports them and is fun to hang out with.

I for one have spent most of my adult life working 8-14 hour days so I cherish my free time and like spending it with someone fun to hang out with and talk to. I’ve always been confident that the person I would find that I fall in love with as a person would also be attractive, in actually finding that fairly young (23-24) I was very fortunate.

I have a hard time believing most men would be in a long term relationship with some who drives them crazy because they find the woman very attractive vs. a woman they get along with really well who isn’t quite as attractive but is still physically desirable.

The self empowering stuff is amazing.
The bolded is exactly how this works.
She likes male attention but will mostly only get it from (as you so eloquently put it from) "thirsty-ass broke-ass dudes trying to get an easy hook up" who not surprisingly leave shortly after she gives it up.And she magically expects different results.Her (likely stupid and fat) friends telling her how great she is on Facebook also isn't helping.

I'm also pretty sure nobody intelligent has ever used the term "bae" to describe their boyfriend or girlfriend or lives out their 2 week relationships on Facebook but maybe I'm just old.

This would also make more sense if he at least brought her free in and out rather than jack in the box.

I didn’t take this into account in my post. Short term hook ups guys are very much focused on looks. However when comparing what a woman and a man are looking for in a LTR I think personality and compatibility in your free time is weighted much greater.

this seems accurate

Looking forward to Nuc coming in and giving you a blast!

Using your categories I would say for me:

Body: 30%
face: 20%
personality: 15%
Smart: 25% (I couldn't date a girl I couldn't hold deep convos with)
Funny: 5%
Height: 1% (Just be between like 4'10 and 6'1")
Income: 2%
Career: 2% (more concerned that she seems ambitious/driven/passionate rather than having money)

Looks are pretty important for me, but also being smart, having a light-hearted and caring personality, and sharing some interests/passions. There are a lot of things that would immediately disqualify a woman (being religious, right-wing views, etc.), so the %s are for girls who pass the initial screening.

But like others have mentioned, it's not all or nothing for a LTR. If I'm not serious with someone then I'll also meet up with women who I find attractive that I don't necessarily think there is any long-term future with. And that scale is like 80% looks/20% personality/0% career.

I will say this about my friend, outside of her trouble with relationships, she’s a catch as a person which makes her relationship drama even more annoying to witness. She works in special education and is fiercely dedicated to those kids and her hard work and effort and love she puts into that job is one of her more attractive personality traits.

But she treats men like she’s waiting for a black Hugh Grant to show up and sweep her off her feet. She then gets horny and bored and takes the best looking guy Day-Day trying to hook up with her. Nothing wrong with that except she’s expecting giving up the booty will make him fall in love and start acting like a doting and attached lover.

But he’s there right now for sex and she’s horny so eventually the sex happens and afterward she’s expecting Prince Charming and he’s expecting her to at least be cool and chill to hang out. She isn’t and she gets clingy and needy and so he bails because she’s not Cool to hang out with and now she’s mad he’s not a black Hugh Grant. Friends all declare she deserves black Hugh Grant and don’t change a thing you’re perfect.

Nothing changes and she spends the next month taking face-only selfies with a few “I’m beautiful just the way I am” body pictures and a bunch of Facebook-friend cheerleading. Next month it will be the same ****, different month.

:Thumb: Thanks for the feedback.

Yeah, I'm crazy. I've been working on the drama queen and toxic negativity stuff. I can see how I was the cause a lot of drama and unnecessary heartache in the past in all of my relationships and I'm completely ebarrased about it now. I have made several corrections. I'm currently still struggling with negativity/complaining way too much and not being grateful; I'm working on this.

I just wish I knew what the magic formula of desirable traits were to find a healthy LTR.

Natamus, any particular reason your friend is only looking to date black guys?

Regarding looks/attractiveness when looking for a date or boyfriend/girlfriend , can’t it be assumed we are all looking for someone we find attractive unless you’re so desperate for a sexual encounter you’ve decided you just want a willing and warm partner?

Who is walking around going “I could hate looking at you and be disgusted by your body as long as you’ll be with me?”

I think it can be generally acceptable every single person is looking for someone to date or be in a relationship with that they find enjoyable to look at.

As far as I understand it (she’s late 20s about 5’8” 225+) according to her black guys are

1. The only guys attracted to her that she finds attractive.
-I guess this means the white guys and guys if other races who hit on her are not guys who she has traditionally found to be attractive.

2. She says a black guy is the only type of guy that can “handle” a girl like her.

-I think this again is her projections based on the history of who she feels has hit on her/been attracted to her crossed with a “I’m a big girl I need a guy who I think will have a bigger penis” hypothesis.

If that’s how she feels I’m not one to tell her otherwise except to possibly suggest don’t focus on sexual ability/endowment as a top priority when looking for a serious partner. Perhaps if she focused on the other qualities a guy could possess maybe she would find a great guy who loves her whom, if she’s lucky ALSO happens to be sexually talented. If she keeps looking for what gets her off first and then trying to make that body into the person she wants, she’s probably going to continue to have this same struggles.

you very accurately describe several woman i know.

Well, I guess the main things she looks for are superficial, so she shouldn't be surprised by the results.

Good for you M. Despite our drama I can cheer for you to be a better person in your personal life.

Trust me, being as cool a person as possible and having as little drama/toxic behavior will be what leads to you finding a happy healthy relationship.

And stop declaring you know for a fact that strangers are pedo without any basis for your declaration. That kind of
**** is ugly.

Don’t try to act like or be what you think others will like, just be your true self when you feel normal and happy and calm - that’s the person others will want to hang out with. Aka don’t try too hard to get people to like you or want to be around you. If you’re cool and fun people will want to hang out with you because you’re cool and fun.

M is an interesting case because it’s def her personality not her looks that get in the way not her weight or physical appearance even if it could be better (most of us could be) but she seems sure it’s the opposite

Someone I was talking to the other day said it’s a Gen X/Millenial thing to be so indoctrinated into romantic comedy archetypes that it’s ruined how many women perceive ones courtships, relationships, and their roles within those life engagements. I would say that has had an effect to a degree.

It is a new feature. Make sure you have the most recent / up to date version of the app. Then just scroll to the bottom of "edit profile", and you'll see the selections.

That worked, thanks! I wonder if I should leave some of that stuff in my written profile, or take it out to make room to say more. I felt pretty constrained by the small number of characters allowed when making the profile.

This is largely the same as saying that if you just eat well and exercise that you will be more healthy and look better. While true, people who don't eat well and exercise are generally already aware of this.

They generally, when presented with this information (that they already know), if such information is presented in a kind and helpful sounding tone, say that they are grateful for the advice* and say that they will do their best in the future. Then absolutely nothing changes, except that they hold the nice person who said nice things in high esteem.

*They are grateful for the nice tone. The advice is ****.

I just remembered how Hugh Grant got busted with a prostitute and his girlfriend Elizabeth Hurley took him back.

He's had kids with an Asian gal he was having an affair with, then he leaves her to have a kid with another woman.
THEN goes back to the Asian gal and has another kid.
AND THEN gets back with the other woman and has another kid, but then married her.

So it just tickled me you using that guy.

And as an aside, your friend is a size queen and is self hating.

That's not going to change unless she wants to change.

And incredibly, I bet she likes this cycle on some level.

So its not going to change until she wants to do so, or she gets so old/fat that it doesn't work anymore.

Then she's going to be angry with men, never seeing her part in it happening.

I've seen it and after awhile you stop trying to help them and just watch the trainwrecks

Yea except what she chooses to do has no effect on my life. So I could try to give details she could be reluctant to hear, or I could give a nice fluffy reply and let things be on good terms.

She acknowledged she’s crazy and that that def impacts her social life and that’s a huge step for M vs just blaming the guys for any issues or saying guys only care about looks and sex.

I would say M being reasonable about what her issues are and how they negatively impact her life is progress enough for me, I’m saying “good for you, Girl, keep working on it!” And moving on.

However, this doesn’t make what you said any less valid, just making clear what my viewpoint on the specific exchange was

LOL I should have added the caveat (a Hugh Grant character in a Meg Ryan movie lol

If she just refused to date anyone who had children already, I bet that would go a long way to fix her problem. Those romantic characters in romcoms rarely have babymamas in their lives.

Nice! Good point Rob

Hahaha

Natamus,

Your friends problems are a combination of insecurity and not wanting to change. My sister is the same way, blames guys not wanting her because she is big and then has the 100 women telling her not to change a thing, she is beautiful the way she is and a GOOD man will like her the way she is. Basically just taking responsibility for their faults and placing it on the men.
She even got weight loss surgery and didn't lose weight because she would still eat as soon as she could without puking. She of course made the excuses that her body is just different and actually said " if you don't eat, you won't lose weight. You gain weight if you have too few calories". She doesn't want to change, doesn't want to admit it's all on her, and wants to blame the men.

With me it's a lil different. I never wanted to be fat and know that it's just fact that men/people are attracted to healthy and in shape women. I get pissed off when women say other women are just fine the way they are. No goddammit, they are unhealthy.

When people here say to just go work on yourself, that really is the key.
All of my problems stemmed from my own self doubts, fears, and insecurities. Feeling like everyone was against me, Im not loveable, not worthy.....then blaming everyone else for feeling this way or expecting others to fix it. You just got to take responsibility for your own issues and work on them yourself.