OK, here’s tedious detail from my last four internet dates: (very TL;DR!)
Background: I’m a 33-yo new professor at a prestigious school in a big Midwestern city. I lived my entire life on the East coast (different cities for my BA, JD, and PhD), and moved recently knowing absolutely zero people. I had a girlfriend for about 1.5 years before moving….she broke up with me mostly because she never wanted to move out of the state. (I was also briefly married before even starting my PhD program.)
I’m on OKCupid, Match, and POF, but most people I meet through OKCupid. Most girls I go out with are 25-30. I have a couple times been out with someone much younger, because she wrote me first…I don’t message much younger girls primarily because I want to avoid inadvertently hitting on undergrads at my school.
My typical model for these dates is usually to suggest a nice bar/lounge/brewery in the trendier part of the city first. I’ll often suggest somewhere I’ve never been, since I want to try to get to know places in the city. Occasionally, I will suggest dinner, but I’ve moved away from this. After a few drinks, if this seems to go well, I will suggest going to one of two divier bars near my apartment (where I know we can get a booth and thus sit close) for beers and a snack. And if this goes well, I suggest walking to my place to watch a movie or John Stewart.
I’ll do these in reverse chronological order: (Note I will not post pictures of girls w/out their permission!)
Date #4:
This one is boring. Girl was a 27-yo medical resident, very Italian, from RI, slightly thick but still very cute. She “winked” at me on Match. Went out last Friday to nice lounge a few blocks from my place.
I think we each had two cocktails. Very nice discussion, we talked about having both lived in DC/MD, Game of Thrones, restaurants we had tried, the US healthcare system, my dissertation (ugh! I know this is a mistake, but for some reason girls always want to know what it’s about). The conversation never turns particularly flirty or sexual. At some point, I suggest we get sushi the following week, and she agrees, but we don’t make specific plans. She insists on not having more than two drinks, and declines my offer to go somewhere else, so I just walk her to her car.
I text her on Sunday and ask if she want to go for sushi that week, but never hear back. I’m not particularly surprised about this one.
Date #3:
Girl was 30-yo who worked for an advertising agency. She messaged me on OKCupid, and seemed very enthusiastic about me in all our online interactions. She was blonde and athletic, but did look a little older than most of the girls I go out with. My impression is her job is basically like Pete on Mad Men, but with a lot more internet. This is last Thursday and we go to a trendy bar (craft cocktails, small plates, etc), which turned out to be very crowded because the place next door had a water main break.
We have each have three drinks and a very good discussion….strangely, we talk a good while about agricultural patents, as her biggest client markets genetically modified soy. But we talk about all sorts of stuff, and it seems to be going well, as she is in no hurry to leave, laughs more than I would expect at a few of my stories, and introduces me to two coworkers she randomly see there.
After three drinks, I suggest we go to a bar near my place, and she agrees. We took separate cars; she ends up getting there slightly before me, and already has a table and a Manhattan. I get an IPA and order a snack to share. Prior to this, I thought the date was going great, but when I try to touch gently touch her thigh or arm, she doesn’t seem very receptive. We talk mostly about online dating experiences. After we finish our drinks, she mentions she needs to get to work early. I let her know she can crash at my place, or even just hang out there for a while and sober up (I was legitimately a little concerned about her driving), but she insists she’s fine. As we walk to her car, I suggest we get together again Saturday night…she says she has something to do that afternoon, but should be free in the evening.
I text her back later that night saying I hope she got home safely and again suggesting we go out Saturday. She text back the next day just saying she had a nice time (nothing about getting together again). As it turns out, I get quite sick on Saturday and can’t try to arrange anything. I text her the next day saying I was sick and asking if she wanted to go out again that week, but I never get a response.
Date #2:
OK, I was lying a bit about this one, because we actually went on a second date, but both were so short I’m not sure it really counts.
Girl was a 29-yo in her last year of law-school at my school. Prior to law school, she was an art dealer in London. She’s brunette, skinny, and extremely attractive. Originally from Texas, but very liberal. I messaged her first on OKCupid. She is one of the few girls I actually chatted with on that site, during which she suggested going to a brewery.
This sounds good to me, and we meet a week ago Tuesday…unfortunately, we meet at 9 and the brewery closes at 11. By closing time, we are the only ones there and they are flipping up the chairs around us. In the two hours, we each had two beers and shared a cheese plate. We have a nice talk about the art scene in London, and her current efforts to get people out of jail (she’s in a criminal defense clinic). At one point she mentions a French bistro in the city I need to try…I suggest we get brunch there, and she’s says we should go on Sunday. She says she has to work early the next morning, but I feel OK about this since we’ve already scheduled the next date.
I send her a silly text the next day, which also asked about brunch….she replied a while later confirming for Sunday. We meet up Sunday at noon, and brunch is indeed delicious (eggs benedict!). We talk about her visit to the prison the previous Friday, the final exam I am writing for my con law class, and her future career plans (she seems to think she can start her own practice getting court-appointed criminal defendants, which sounds crazy to me!) . But beyond that, I’m not sure we have a lot in common…she loves skiing and sailing, neither of which I have ever done, and I talk about my experience as a musician, which she doesn’t really seem to relate to. She INSISTS on paying half the bill (that hasn’t happened in a while!), and says she needs to visit a sick friend that afternoon. We walk to her car, and along the way actually talk about my poker experiences…it is cold and she is way underdressed, so I offer her my jacket, but she declines. Adding all this up, I figure there’s no future here, but when we get to her car she offers that her last exam is Friday (which is yesterday), and we should go out again after that. I say sure and kiss her goodbye, honestly surprised she volunteered a third date.
I text her on Wednesday to try to coordinate, but she replied that had a party Friday night but would get back to me Friday afternoon. I text her yesterday but she didn’t respond, and tried one more time this morning.
Date #1:
This one actually happened the weekend before Thanksgiving, shortly before I went back to the east coast for a week. The girl is 21-yo, originally from NJ, and a new grad student at my school (not my department). She messaged me first on OKCupid, as I am wary of seeking out girls that are so much younger. She’s extremely thin, brunette, cute but honestly the least attractive of the four. But she’s extraordinarily smart, and graduated from Harvard when she was 20.
We actually go to the same lounge as Date #4 on a Friday night. She’s a little late (difficult parking), so I have almost finished my first drink when she arrives. We have great conversation while there, talking about shared experiences in NJ, at Harvard (12 years apart!), and in academia. We also discuss the obvious age difference, and she talks about always feeling more comfortable around older men. I have three drinks, she has two, and I suggest we go somewhere else. We walk somewhat aimlessly in the direction of apartment; I lightly put my arm around her waist as we walk. When we get to the intersection at my place, I suggest we could go there, but she says she shouldn’t do that on a first date. So I suggest the pub and we go there.
We get a booth, each order a beer and a little food. I don’t totally remember what we talked about, but I massaged her thigh under the table without resistance. When done there, I again ask if she want to go to my apartment, and promise to “be a gentlemen”. On this condition, she agrees. We watch a movie there, laying on top of each other the whole time. We make out pretty heavily in my bed after it’s over, but she ultimately resists going all the way, and insists “maybe next time”. I drive her back home at around 4am. I tell her I am gone for the next week, and we agree to get back in touch when I get back.
I text her the day I get back (Monday after Thanksgiving), and ask if she wants to go out Tuesday. She says she is busy Tuesday but suggests later in the week. So I suggest Thursday, but on Thursday she texts me saying how swamped she is and suggests going out on the weekend. I try to arrange something on Saturday, but she never responds after this. This one really had me befuddled!
Cliffs: I go out with four girls from the internet, and they all ignore me after the first date.
