Okay, I'm going to try not to pile on you for this, and I feel bad for your situation, and it sounds like there's even more to the story, if you're distracted by other things on your mind. But I'm definitely not surprised that there is further relevant information, and may still yet be even more.

So for now, I'm just going to ask - can you see how this information is relevant and may have influenced her thought process and decision making?

I'm not saying that she's entirely in the right, and it does sound like she needs to work on her communication as well, but can you understand her POV more now?


This is a positive step, but there is probably some work that needs to be done, in relation to the way that communication occurred in the first place, with perhaps some issues on both sides, before even getting to the "solution".

Which is?

(I'd probably ask if she's meeting another dude. And if so, could she invite him to USA#1 instead? Seems like a good compromise. OP would get his family Xmas in the new house, the little girl would get to turn the fireplace off for Santa, a ****-ton of money would be saved at 24% APR.)

I'm not even sure what HIGHLY IMPORTANT INFORMATION was omitted. That they've been to Paris a bunch of times? I guess we were all like 'why Paris of all places?' but it doesn't really seem like it's really all that relevant (other than increasing the paramour factor). That she hasn't booked her tickets yet? Well, he talked to her and she made it clear it was a done deal and booking just hasn't actually been done yet.

Correct. "Separate finances but you pay the lion's share of the bills and also cover any emergencies or large purchases that we or I make" is completely standard.

So OP has now said that Christmas isn't that important to him and he has spent several alone. He has also said that she can pay for the trip by the end of January.
What we are left with is he is just butt hurt she doesn't want to take him.

Dude, she is marrying you.
Her wanting to be alone with her daughter for a week =/ y'all not being a family.
You need to compromise on this.

And, you sound like a whiney baby wanting to rethink your entire relationship over this. It seems like you might just feel insecure in the relationship. Her wanting to be with her daughter alone is just that and nothing more, it had nothing to do with how she cares about you or sees y'all as a family. Mother daughter time is special and needed.

You seem to consistently misread things.

Disagree. I concede that it is huge, but imo the biggest red flag is that she had this trip planned and arranged time off from work prior to informing her fiance' that this was happening without him whether he likes it or not--and over a traditional family holiday, no less.

Not surprisingly. The next suggestion will be that you drive to Paris unannounced on Christmas night and offer one or both a ride home since you were passing by there anyway.

Good luck, OP! I know what I would be tempted to do, but I understand why it would be extremely hard. Very tough situation imo--not just for this instance, but for what it may foretell about your relationship.

The only relevant thing is for the OP to find out whether this trip is truly a one time thing prior to marriage or whether its a preview of what marriage will look like.

The trip is not even the biggest financial red flag. If she only has 1000 in her account, then you guys either bought too much house or budgeted too much for the wedding.

Totally agree with this, who cares about the money, informing OP of this decision without prior talk about it is where the real hurt is at.

If one of you can plan and confirm a holiday over christmas without input from your significant other, you aren't actually together, you're just roommates.

If I did that with my fiancee, and then refused to change the plans when she said she was upset about not spending time with me, she would be extremely upset and likely break it off. I know, men and women are different etc, but not THAT different.

Dalerobk,

How much disposable income do you have together?

This is it in a nutshell.

Doesn't sound like an outlier to me, but only OP has enough info about his fiancee' to make an informed evaluation.

The money is very important. Especially her attitude towards the money. Even though you keep separate accounts, you are financially intertwined. But if she is still of the mentality that its her money and she can do what she wants with it then its going to be a huge problem down the road.

Possibly, you have years of unforseen sweet 16 car, over the top prom dresses, lavish weddings to look forward to.

Or $1,700/night hotel suites at Disney World

Hahaha

I don't know if your gf is being straight with you, but everyone who says Christmas in Paris is lame is crazy. Its pretty awesome.

Sugar,

Your woman is an adult and should do what she wants to do, so long as she's being honest.

Fighting about it or forcing her to make a decision she doesn't want to is never a good thing and really this isn't much to fight about.

You have peace and quiet for a week. I get it, you think you'll have the sads on Xmas. I betcha you won't. Fly to vegas! Do something fun. Make plans now.

Here's what not to do: co-dependency nor mind ****ing this to death.

You cant always just go around doing what you want to do when you're in a relationship. Again, money no big deal, way of communicating red flag. Dont forget you will be spending the rest of your life with this person, however only you can honestly judge the situation.

Yak - I was with you on the first sentence, but at the start of the second one you lost me. Money, and attitudes towards money, is the #1 thing couples fight about. Marriage is essentially an economic partnership.


Jose - You're single, aren't you.

I agree on the money thing in general but the lack of ranting about money issues when planning their wedding and a clean cc/debt sheet gave me the feeling that in this specific case its likely that she is good with money. Were talking like 5k max, thats not huge.

That's true, but if none of us was allowed to be married to somebody who isn't financially responsible and spoils the kids, there would be a lot more singles.

Neutral party? Is there even a party more neutral than OOT? GTFO with this!

The question isn't if you're allowed to be married to someone with a different attitude towards money. The question is if you realize what the differences are and can you both reach an understanding to live with the differences.

Can't you just have two Christmases? An American one and then one when they're in Paris? The actual day doesn't really matter. Do all the things you normally go at Christmas and have a fun day together. Just make something up to explain two Santas or whatever.

Rexx, good idea. We used to go see Jewish grandma in Florida every year over Christmas break so we'd have Christmas together (mom isn't Jewish) the weekend before we'd fly to Florida.

grunching

It does seem a little odd that your fiance and daughter won't be spending Christmas with any side of their families. I don't get why you can't join them either?

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It seems sneaky she set up the vacation time for it and never mentioned anything about it to OP. She would almost have to actively be trying to keep it from OP in order for some of the planning of the trip not to come up in everyday conversation.

One positive is that the kid is probably old enough to discourage her from cheating on you in front of the child.