So I told her this morning that it is officially over between us. I will have a much much longer update on everything probably this weekend. I'm still in the stage where my stomach is in knots right now. I'm just heartbroken for how devastating this is going to be to the little girl. But there's just no way around it. anyway I am sure you guys will love the update.

Rough. Just remember that no good relationship ends in a breakup. Ultimately, this is the best move for all three of you involved.

And thanks for keeping us updated, that says a lot.

I hope there's no undue trauma associated with the separation.

From everything you've posted, you're doing the right thing. You will come out OK on the other side of this -- and eventually, hopefully, be better off.

I’m sorry for the painful time you are going through, but good for you. The pain is worth it. You deserve to be happy.

About 20 years ago I was asking my girlfriend one week where she wanted to live so I could figure out which business schools to apply to. The next week she broke up with me, quit her job, and moved away. I was crushed. This was the future mother of my children. But even then, in the pain, I was able to see that it was the best thing in the long run. 2 years later I met my now wife, and it’s nght and day. Hang in there.

Holy **** dude. Sorry to hear that. 2+2 is here for you.

glad to hear it's over, props to you for trying to make it work

hopefully there won't be any real estate related complications

Thanks guys.

Just your normal trauma. We've never fought or argued to speak of it front of the girl so she has absolutely no idea anything is wrong. She's spending the weekend with family so we are waiting till Sunday night to tell her. I'm just sick to my stomach at the thought of seeing her face.

I know it has to be over though. As a preview to the larger coming update, I've realized in the last week that I can't trust her at all and that she doesn't care about me at all. Maybe if I'm feeling more like myself tomorrow I'll write it up and post it. Tomorrow afternoon I'm meeting up with a friend to get some beer and pizza. He'll be the first person I will have told IRL.

I don't think the material separation will be bad. I'm pretty confident we can agree on everything. And frankly I want them to start out their new lives as strong as possible so I will be as generous as possible. Even so their live is going to be tough. And with the stress of having to do all the child care duties and house work after I had taken on so much of it coupled with the financial strain, ldo, I'm certain she is going to be very snappy and pissy with the girl. It really breaks my heart. But I will try to spend time with her.

Have the beer and pizza first. We're not going anywhere.

For all of those who criticized my too-short OP. This one’s for you….

And before starting I will say that since my OP last September, I have really realized that my gf (ex-gf) is just really emotionally immature. She lies when presented with an uncomfortable situation; she is selfish and self-centered; she snaps when she doesn’t get her way; she is super defensive; jealous and insecure; tends to project; etc. It’s clear now but up until last September things had been fairly good, though I will admit there were some red flags.

So, here’s the promised update. There were some important developments that came up after the main thrust of the thread was over. I didn’t reveal them because, frankly, it was deeply humiliating and painful and just couldn’t bring them up. I knew way better so feel free to kick me in the nuts and include plenty of lolz and such.

OK. So here’s what happened. Let’s go back to October last year (just after the thread started dying down). She’s making plans for the Christmas trip. I was trying to be nice and make suggestions and such. I ask her where she’s staying. She’s like, “Oh, I’m staying with Pierre and his family.” I don’t want to reveal too many identifying details, but Pierre was a foreign national and was essentially a 2-year employee who worked in her office. For visa reasons, he had to go back home in August to….France. Turns out his family lives outside Paris and he was living with them while looking for a job. It was kind of a punch in the got to hear this, but I dealt with it. It mainly hurt because this seemed to be yet another thing, she had hidden from me. Probably the biggest one.

Fast forward a week or two to maybe mid- to late October. Part of her job was to essentially take a bus full of people to NYC for Thanksgiving week. The main responsibility is to make sure everyone makes it back on the bus every stop and gets checked into the hotels without incident. Other than that, unless someone is in the hospital or arrested, her time would be her own. People in her office rotate this task every year, and this was her year. Family and kids are always welcome. We had planned to go together and enjoy Thanksgiving in NYC. Sometime in September or October she starts mentioning how her boss is not wanting Little Girl and me on the bus. This made no sense as this was super standard and a co-worker friend was going with her husband. I offered for us to fly to NYC to meet her then. She didn’t want Little Girl’s first flight to be without her. I then offered for the two of them to take a 40-minute flight from our bump**** town to the nearest major airport, which is about a 3-hour drive. Offered to drop them off at the one airport and pick them up at the next and we could make a day of it in the major metropolitan area (Big City). She then admits to me that the thing about her boss was not true and she just needed some alone time or whatever. It was kind of like the Christmas thing where is was just one perplexing thing after another and didn’t seem to add up with her being completely inflexible and uncompromising.

Anyway, I’m like OK. I wasn’t really looking forward to 20+ hours on a bus anyway. I was a bit baffled but whatever. Little Girl and I do Thanksgiving week together at the house. I made a turkey, stuffing, the whole nine yards. We texted most of that week but didn’t talk. She was posting a few pix each day on FB. Thursday morning (Thanksgiving) we talk for the first time. “Oh, guess who I ran into at the Macy’s parade this morning. Pierre and his family!” It immediately feels like a punch in the gut. She explains that she knew they were going to be there but didn’t think she would have time to see Pierre so didn’t say anything to me. Yeah, right.

Friday morning, I’m taking a shower and mulling everything over. It occurs to me to wonder if she even took her engagement ring. She always keeps it in the ring box next to the bed, if it’s not on her finger. I check and there is no ring in the box. When I pick her up on Saturday night from the bus, she’s not wearing the ring. When we get home, I ask where it is. She calmly and non-chalantly apologized and explained that she didn’t want to lose it traveling so she put it in her bathroom drawer. She has a bit of a temper and often snaps and gets pissy when there’s no reason to. The fact that she was calm made me suspicious and wtf are you apologizing for??? On top of that, she has never stored it anywhere but the ring box by the bed. I can only assume she didn’t want me to know she hadn’t taken it. And on top of that, she has never not taken the ring traveling before. BTW, she didn’t take the ring over Christmas either, but after that interaction I guess she decided to just leave it in the normal place.

So the three of us sit down on the sofa so she can show us her pix. I immediately recognize the pix from the first day from FB. Guess who is in those pix? Yep. Pierre. Also, in Tuesday and Wednesday. So not only did she not see him for the first time on Thursday, but she saw him every day she was in NYC. To be fair, most of the pictures had his parents and brother in it as well. She did seem to be tagging along on the family vacation. Nonetheless it was yet again another instance of lying and deception about spending time with another guy.

I want to pause here to emphasize that I have never shown the slightest inkling of jealousy in any relationship. In fact, one gf got annoyed because she thought I just didn’t care. I feigned jealousy a couple times to make her feel better. Current/ex-gf went out with male friends plenty of times. I’ve never had an issue with it. I even encouraged her because I wanted her to make friends. But she didn’t lie about it—that I know of…. And disinviting me and Little Girl to then spend every day with this other guy seems off, to say the least.

When we talked and I let her know how much this hurt me and that we have to be honest with each other if we want to have an authentic and sincere relationship, etc. she apologized and said nothing happened she was just afraid of how I would react, etc., etc. She does tend to have bad communication skills, ldo, and does tend to avoid uncomfortable situations. Having said that, she lied to me about spending time with this guy and is now spending Thanksgiving and Christmas with another guy after numerous lies and deceptions.

So, they get back from Christmas and I’m still kind of numb and at a loss. I broke my back literally within two hours after they got back and spent weeks laying around and popping pills. By the time I get moving again, our lives have somehow seemed to get back to a normal situation. In fact, things seemed better than ever. I basically let things go and tell myself that the dude lives on the other side of the world now and maybe nothing did happen.

Fast forward to last week (July). She informs me that Pierre is coming to town for a visit for nearly a month. Lol the French. He lands at the major airport on Saturday in Big City and she may have to pick him up if another person can’t. She also starts to mention possibly a weekend trip that same weekend with one of her female friends….to the same Big City the airport is in. Yeah, right. I again talk to her about how hurtful last Thanksgiving and Christmas were and how I don’t even mind her seeing Pierre but please don’t lie to me. We simply can’t lie to each other. Etc. She seems to understand and again apologizes and assures me nothing happened. She texts me and says she’s thinking of staying the night in Big City with Pierre and would it bother me. I’m like, yeah, considering the context here, it would bother me and be hurtful. She then explains that she doesn’t want to be on the road late and risk an accident. His flight landed at 2:50. She then came up with wanting to go out drinking and relax and not have to worry about driving back after drinking. I offered for her to pick him up, do dinner in Big City, and then come home. I would drive them to whatever bar they wanted and then pick them up when they were done. Pierre could stay in our guest room. Then it was that she has so much **** going on and she just needs to go out of town. I told her she can so whatever she wants but that this would be very hurtful to me. I wasn’t telling her to not spend time with him, but I was not comfortable, considering the context, with her spending the nigh in Big City with Pierre. Unreasonable?

It’s also worth pointing out that she assured me they would have separate rooms. Anyway, Friday morning I ask her what she’s doing. She says about what? Seriously. About what we’ve been talking about for the last two days—are you staying Saturday night in Big City? “I guess not. I don’t see how I can now.” I have to admit I’m a bit relieved. The crisis seems averted. Pretty stupid of me, I know. An hour later she sends me a couple texts saying that she’s just going through a lot of **** now and is using any selfish excuse to get out of town and it’s her not us. I’m like, OK, cool. Thanks for saying that and sorry about all the recent ****. Next morning, I get in the house from yard work. She’s packing for her night in Big City. I’m like wtf you said you weren’t spending the night. Her: “No I didn’t. Stop saying I said things that I didn’t. And I told you I was spending the night in Big City in those texts yesterday!” I did lose my temper and we blew up at each other. I’ve reread those text 100 times and can only read them as her apologizing for wanting to do something that is selfish. And she absolutely told me she was not going. Gaslight much? Anyway, I told her I was tired of this bull**** and if she spends the night it was 50/50 at best that we still had a relationship when she got back. She texted me on the way saying she knew she was in the wrong with this and being bitchy about it. She did not come home that night….

The next day I told her that I couldn’t believe staying the night in Big City was so damn important that she risked throwing away our relationship. It was just like Thanksgiving and Christmas. No matter how much I tried to compromise there was no budge. She didn’t care about my feelings at all. I ask about the room situation. She assures me they had separate rooms, and nothing happened. I said, OK. Show me your bank statement with the room charge. Note that I have never asked something like this or to see texts, fb, or anything before. From anyone ever in any relationship in my entire life. Anyway, she calmly tells me there is no point. Again, her being calm here is her tell. I know her well enough to know that she is small and petty enough that she would have loved to through a credit card charge in my face and tell me to **** off. I’m like 95+% sure they shared a room and he paid for it. So yeah another lie, though not 100% confirmed.

Over the next couple days, it’s tense and have decided I have no choice but to end it. Just haven’t gotten up the nerve yet. Then Wednesday I get a text from her that she and Little Girl were invited to Maggie’s house for a dinner party with Pierre. Maggie is a friend of his whom I have met exactly once and simply exchanged pleasantries with for no more than a minute. She doesn’t know me and I don’t know her. I’m like, wtf I’m not invited. She explains that Maggie doesn’t like me, so I’m not invited. What. The. Actual. ****. I’m like she doesn’t know me how can she not like me and how are you going to a party when the psycho throwing it has made it known your partner is unwelcome? First, I can’t imagine anyone thinking it would be OK to say anything bad to me about gf let alone thinking it was OK to actively not invite her to a dinner party. I certainly would not go. Anyway, it was that night that I decided I had had enough. Thursday morning, I told her I was tired of the lies and couldn’t trust her anymore and I didn’t think she cared about me at all. I can’t be with someone I don’t trust and who doesn’t care about me.

And that’s that.

poor dale

LOL

[X] Nailed it

Find a woman that you actually like, that's your friend.

You want more than a pretty face. You want to be cared about and loved. Good luck.

I think she might be hooking up with this pierre guy

Painful to read, sorry you had to go through this but my god you took way too long to get out of that.

jfc talking about flags, this is more like Red Army throwing a parade in front of your house

can't imagine what's it like going through all that, gotta be a hell of a learning experience fwiw, wish you a happier update to this thread

LOLPIERRE

This is a good thing, Dale. GL!

You made the right call, bail and don’t look back and make sure your daughter is your highest priority as you mentioned

Look, you guys are right. And I knew better. I definitely should have bailed after my back healed. As I said last year itt, if it weren't for Little Girl, I would have. Her life is about to get much, much worse, both materially and emotionally. Her mother is going to be very stressed and when she is stressed she lashes out at people around her. Little Girl is going to take the brunt of that and a huge part of me feels immensely guilty, like I'm abandoning her. I know there is nothing I can do about this situation other than what I am. But I can't escape feeling awful for her.

Reminds me of my ex-gf with histrionic personality disorder, particularly the part where she says I’m going to stay with Pierre for the night. “What’s the problem, you don’t trust me”? Lol.


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If it's any solace, there's a good chance she's going to end up like her mother no matter what the environment.

None of you is in her genetically, you were really more of an uncle (a positive male figure). She'll miss you but will move on. A new guy will be in her life soon enough, hopefully he's nice too.

Pierre will be Mom's sexy side-piece. Nothing more, I'm guessing. She might already have a few different landing spots in mind as well.

You're giving her the house and plan to give her more than you need to, am I reading that right? Stop being a sucker Dale; you're starting to turn the corner, no half-measures.

Seriously dale. Life is short, don't give that two timing whore a bunch of **** that she doesn't deserve. The little girls well being is between you and the little girl. You want to pay for her college fund? Ok. Fine but that's between you and little girl. This woman betrayed your trust on several occasions after you kept giving her chances, SHE threw away her opportunity for good things. Little girl will move on, she's 8.

The part about the gf getting upset because you aren't showing jealousy is funny, I had a gf say the exact same thing to me one time.

Yup, the ex-wife was the same way. Bi-polar LDO.

Just to be clear, that was a different gf. But yeah, pretty ridiculous.

Also, we are going to have to sell the house. We are going to sit down tomorrow and try to talk everything through. There is zero chance she could afford the house on her own. In fact, she is almost certainly going to have to move into her parents' smoke-caked trailer for the foreseeable future. I really have no idea what she'll be able to do beyond that.

As far as helping them, I was thinking I would split the proceeds of the house 50/50 instead of 60/40. We've only been in it 1.5 years so there's not a ton of equity anyway. And I'll probably let her have whatever furniture she wants since I can buy more. I'll probably also help them move. Probably I'll just rent a truck and coordinate our moves for back-to-back days and not charge her anything. I use to work as a mover in college so it's no big deal for me.

We are both currently contributing to a college fund. I will continue to do so for her. I imagine I could give ex-gf a couple hundred dollars at Christmas to help with presents and maybe do the same for her birthday party next year and back to school shopping. things like that. I'm not going to start effectively paying alimony or child support or anything.

Little Girl is 9 now, btw.