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View Poll Results: Is this odd?
Yes 66 81.48%
No 15 18.52%
Voters: 81. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 10-22-2018, 02:27 PM   #401
Tom Ames
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Re: Is this odd? Spending Christmas Vacation Apart

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Originally Posted by JayTeeMe View Post
you guys are all being ridiculous about this financial stuff. His money is gonna slowly become her money. It is the way of things. In exchange he'll get some sweet, 10-year younger p***y and a family. This is completely standard stuff.
Not necessarily. My wife and I still maintain separate finances, but we obviously share plenty of common expenses. YMMV in community property states obviously.

Once we agreed to how we would set things up, we have never had an argument about finances. We have made continual adjustments as circumstances changed and it seemed obvious to us that changes would be necessary to keep things fair. I can't recall any of those adjustments requiring more than five minutes of conversation.

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Originally Posted by patron View Post
This is likely true, and I don't really disagree, but it depends on the person. Some people have very different viewpoints and behaviors before marriage vs after marriage. The main point is that what matters is how Dale and fiancee view things, particularly his fiancee, i.e. will she still act like this after marriage or not. They need to communicate about that and get on the same page, or it is a recipe for disaster like some have been predicting.

No, it wasn't addressed at all. His pre-marriage system was addressed, and not a post-marriage one. We don't even know if he's had conversations with his fiancee about how things will be after they're married. The money isn't even the biggest part (although it's big), the decision-making and communication processes are.

If you are assuming that the post-marriage system will be exactly the same, as well as both of their viewpoints, then yes, there is likely to be future conflict.

Kinda this. His current money is slowly gonna become her money, but after marriage, all his money from that point forward will immediately be her money and vice-versa. Unless there's some detailed pre-nup that hasn't been mentioned, even though I think one was asked about.
Very much agree with most of this. If Dale has any significant assets at all, he would be foolish to enter marriage with her without a pre-nup--or at least discussing the advisability of a pre-nup with an attorney.

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Originally Posted by Johnny Truant View Post
Man, the narrative that people can't become more responsible with money later in life, especially with the aid of a partner, is just demonstrably wrong. With good communication and a desire to do so, it ain't guaranteed but it happens plenty.
Agree that change can be made, but ime it is a very slow process. My wife would testify in a heartbeat that she has made tremendous strides with her finances since we got married. And I would agree, even though she could still be doing better imo. I do some head-shaking privately and may offer an unsolicited opinion occasionally, but that is always the end of it unless she wants some advice or guidance.

In Dale's case it is very unlikely that his gf will be able to move the needle enough to satisfy his hopes and expectations. Maintaining separate finances and possibly a pre-nup can remove some of the anger and anxiety around that issue, but their communication issues are a huge obstacle there.

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Originally Posted by mullen View Post
That’s true re:marriage but I would have hoped OP would have mentioned that.

Either way, she’s in her early 30s - she’s likely not going to get any better with money and if she won’t defer to Dale’s expertise on the matter now it’s unlikely she ever will, married or not. If Dale’s OK with that, then that’s fine, but it doesn’t sound like he is.

They aren’t married yet and already own a home together - yet she is trying to amend their pre-marriage spending agreement now. Surely Dale would have mentioned if their arrangement is changing upon marriage. Plus, if she wants to break from this agreement now, who’s to say she won’t break a future agreement?
I would be shocked if this is the only agreement she will be unhappy with and request a complete do-over.

"But we had an agreement ..." is not going to be very persuasive or end the conversation. Or solve the problem.

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Originally Posted by amoeba View Post
Dale, how did the conversation to arrive at your current 60/40 financial plan go down?

Was it her idea or your idea? Was there a lot of negotiations or was it agreed upon vwry amicably?
Good questions. If either person agreed to it without being completely on-board, there are going to be predictable problems.
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Old 10-22-2018, 03:28 PM   #402
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Re: Is this odd? Spending Christmas Vacation Apart

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you guys are all being ridiculous about this financial stuff. His money is gonna slowly become her money. It is the way of things. In exchange he'll get some sweet, 10-year younger p***y and a family. This is completely standard stuff.
Yup, completely standard stuff that guys sell their soul for way too early in life. I'm so glad I've been able to fade marriage & kids these 35 years. Every marriage horror story I've heard about, I really took to heart and just figured that marriage & kids is just something I don't have the sanity to handle. I legit feel bad for OP. It's never going to get better, he's going to have to greatly reduce his quality of life just to keep the bills paid to keep her happy. It's like trying to empty a sinking boat with a coffee cup.

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The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.
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Old 10-22-2018, 03:38 PM   #403
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Re: Is this odd? Spending Christmas Vacation Apart

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Yup, completely standard stuff that guys sell their soul for way too early in life. I'm so glad I've been able to fade marriage & kids these 35 years. Every marriage horror story I've heard about, I really took to heart and just figured that marriage & kids is just something I don't have the sanity to handle. I legit feel bad for OP. It's never going to get better, he's going to have to greatly reduce his quality of life just to keep the bills paid to keep her happy. It's like trying to empty a sinking boat with a coffee cup.
Yeah, this is definitely a sane view.
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Old 10-22-2018, 03:46 PM   #404
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Re: Is this odd? Spending Christmas Vacation Apart

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Yup, completely standard stuff that guys sell their soul for way too early in life. I'm so glad I've been able to fade marriage & kids these 35 years. Every marriage horror story I've heard about, I really took to heart and just figured that marriage & kids is just something I don't have the sanity to handle. I legit feel bad for OP. It's never going to get better, he's going to have to greatly reduce his quality of life just to keep the bills paid to keep her happy. It's like trying to empty a sinking boat with a coffee cup.
heh, but i've married my wife when we were 24 and right now we are 32 and still loving each other. I'm really glad that i have chosen such way in my life.
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Old 10-22-2018, 03:51 PM   #405
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Re: Is this odd? Spending Christmas Vacation Apart

I'll be the first to admit (like I did on page 6 or 7), my relationship advice is horrible.
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Old 10-22-2018, 05:12 PM   #406
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Re: Is this odd? Spending Christmas Vacation Apart

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Man, the narrative that people can't become more responsible with money later in life, especially with the aid of a partner, is just demonstrably wrong. With good communication and a desire to do so, it ain't guaranteed but it happens plenty.
I agree with this to a certain extent but obviously you're still going to get financial **** ups who never change and obviously it's a bit of a roll of the dice. Plus the heartache during the transitional stage from financial **** up to financially responsible can make for some pretty difficult times.
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Old 10-22-2018, 05:50 PM   #407
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Re: Is this odd? Spending Christmas Vacation Apart

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I agree with this to a certain extent but obviously you're still going to get financial **** ups who never change and obviously it's a bit of a roll of the dice. Plus the heartache during the transitional stage from financial **** up to financially responsible can make for some pretty difficult times.
Yes, for sure, and the woman in question could be one, but it is bull**** to say that if someone is bad with money they will always have that problem. Lots of people have irresponsible periods in life of varying length before they get their **** together, repair their credit, and move on with their lives in a responsible way. It's not uncommon at all. I still contend that the most threatening issue that predicts failure of the relationship here isn't the vacation or the money stuff, it is the lack of communication to work through any of it. It is possible to address all of it. I don't know if it is probable in this case.
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Old 10-22-2018, 06:07 PM   #408
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Re: Is this odd? Spending Christmas Vacation Apart

I agree with what you're saying.
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Old 10-23-2018, 07:10 AM   #409
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Re: Is this odd? Spending Christmas Vacation Apart

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Originally Posted by foatie View Post
Yup, completely standard stuff that guys sell their soul for way too early in life. I'm so glad I've been able to fade marriage & kids these 35 years. Every marriage horror story I've heard about, I really took to heart and just figured that marriage & kids is just something I don't have the sanity to handle. I legit feel bad for OP. It's never going to get better, he's going to have to greatly reduce his quality of life just to keep the bills paid to keep her happy. It's like trying to empty a sinking boat with a coffee cup.
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Originally Posted by Yakmelk View Post
Yeah, this is definitely a sane view.
In my life experience thus far, it certainly is. Marriage/having a family is def not for everyone, it's just something people are told they need to do. IMO however, most would be better off if they did not.
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Old 10-23-2018, 08:23 AM   #410
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Re: Is this odd? Spending Christmas Vacation Apart

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In my life experience thus far, it certainly is. Marriage/having a family is def not for everyone, it's just something people are told they need to do. IMO however, most would be better off if they did not.
Exactly. Money doesn't buy happiness, but neither does a marriage, wife, 2 kids, dog & a house with mounds of financial debt and crippling out-clauses should something go wrong at some point in your life. I'd conservatively guess that 7/10 marriages fail due to people not getting to know each other well enough before marrying, especially when it comes to the main factors that contribute to divorce, money & infidelity.

OP sounds like he's more of a "fixer" than a "breaker" so he is looking for advice to fix things, which is commendable. If you're willing to take the plunge on marriage, being a stepfather, and entering a 25-30 year financial agreement on a home you might as well try and find a solution to fix things because the (financial) consequences of separation at this point would only cripple both people. While most of my posts are in jest, I don't find anything wrong with Dale looking for advice on 2+2. There's a lot of sound poker players here and a few brilliant minds in their respective field of expertise, and that can often bring some very sound & logical arguments. And if you're the deeply introspective type, like I tend to be (and over do it with), you can take some deep life lessons out of a thread like this.
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Old 10-23-2018, 09:05 AM   #411
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Re: Is this odd? Spending Christmas Vacation Apart

My wife contributes 0% and does 90% of the spending. Works well for us.
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Old 10-23-2018, 10:43 AM   #412
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Re: Is this odd? Spending Christmas Vacation Apart

So her yearly budget has 2k in space and she's going on a 5k vacation, so she's going to be flat out for 2.5 years.

Seems good.
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Old 10-23-2018, 12:39 PM   #413
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Re: Is this odd? Spending Christmas Vacation Apart

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So her yearly budget has 2k in space and she's going on a 5k vacation, so she's going to be flat out for 2.5 years.

Seems good.
OP's money tho
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Old 10-23-2018, 02:22 PM   #414
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Re: Is this odd? Spending Christmas Vacation Apart

Right. It seems she's already gaining leverage by building him into paying the dance recital (maybe more I haven't read last 50 or so posts). So she breaks herself tells him well I need you to cover dance, and well a couple other things and he has to. Especially if it's for the daughter, he'll feel compelled. And he's not wrong
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Old 10-23-2018, 03:21 PM   #415
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Re: Is this odd? Spending Christmas Vacation Apart

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My wife contributes 0% and does 90% of the spending. Works well for us.
+1 LOL
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Old 10-23-2018, 04:07 PM   #416
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Re: Is this odd? Spending Christmas Vacation Apart

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My wife contributes 0% and does 90% of the spending. Works well for us.
<3
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Old 10-23-2018, 04:23 PM   #417
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Re: Is this odd? Spending Christmas Vacation Apart

Not all contributions are monetary. At a minimum, happily married men live longer.
Spoiler:
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Old 10-23-2018, 04:24 PM   #418
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Re: Is this odd? Spending Christmas Vacation Apart

7/10 mariages failing doesnt mean a lot when the majority of people are stupid. I think most people are better off married if they dont make stupid choices when picking their partner. The fact that most people make stupid choices/pick partners that are incompatible doesnt change that.
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Old 10-23-2018, 04:45 PM   #419
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Re: Is this odd? Spending Christmas Vacation Apart

Shocker. Things failing when people make bad decisions.

Sent from my Pixel using Tapatalk
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Old 10-23-2018, 06:08 PM   #420
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Re: Is this odd? Spending Christmas Vacation Apart

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Originally Posted by foatie View Post
I'd conservatively guess that 7/10 marriages fail due to people not getting to know each other well enough before marrying
I think the real issue is that you can't get to know someone "enough" under any reasonable time frame. People change! (Hopefully) What you were like at 25 is not the same as 35 and 45.
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Old 10-23-2018, 06:18 PM   #421
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Re: Is this odd? Spending Christmas Vacation Apart

I dated a few women that I would have married if I thought they would stay like they were at 25. Then I met their mothers and realized I didn't want what they'd be like at 45.
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Old 10-23-2018, 06:31 PM   #422
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Re: Is this odd? Spending Christmas Vacation Apart

I almost married not so long time ago. And then the trust was gone.
Now that I think about it at no point in time it was a rational decision on my part. As I said "yes", it was because I couldn't otherwise. As I broke things off it was because I couldn't otherwise. And I am soooooooooooooo glad that at no point in time I was relying on dude's money. That took a complicating factor out of all that.
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Old 10-23-2018, 06:33 PM   #423
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Re: Is this odd? Spending Christmas Vacation Apart

Last time I looked it up, fewer than half of first-time marriages failed, and a large portion of that was due to poverty and super early marriages. Not gonna look it up again right now, but marriages of college educated people after 25 years old were far more successful, as you might guess.
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Old 10-23-2018, 07:42 PM   #424
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Re: Is this odd? Spending Christmas Vacation Apart



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Old 10-23-2018, 08:08 PM   #425
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Re: Is this odd? Spending Christmas Vacation Apart

The 2nd one is surprising to me.

I had a gf who after 1-year would have bet good money we'd eventually marry, but we moved in together and she was like a completely different person and it ended 6 months later. I'd have guessed seeing what life would be like living together before marrying would lead to stronger marriages, but I guess not.
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