Drinking alone while she tools around Paris on a trip everyone knows you're gonna pay for does not sound like a fun Christmas. You should probably plan on doing something else.

Yes. There seem to be a few takes in this thread: Financial irresponsibility! Red flag! ... Stop being a wuss! ... Bad communication!

Myself, I agree the money issue isn't key, but I think that's a minority view. The huge thing is the communication--particularly if she understands what he's feeling about it.

PS, money problems in couples often comes down to communication issues

He has every other day of the year to run errands, do chores, and pay for things but when it comes to family things like vacations and holidays and such he'll have to understand if he's not invited.

Nah. I've done it many times. It's always relaxing and peaceful. I'll enjoy my Christmas dinner (my dressing is amazing), smoke a good cigar, while sipping on a good Scotch, have a fire going, and watch Christmas Vacation. I don't do the depressed mopey thing.

The length of the trip or the fact that she wants to go on it with her daughter isn't even close to the real issue at hand for the OP. I don't disagree with anything else you said, but this isn't about the actual trip to Paris.

The issue is that she is not acting the way you would expect for someone who is in a committed relationship and there are some obvious communication issues that appear to be a surprise to the OP.

So, he wants some time to mull these revelations over, since he appears surprised at this behavior. Sounds like a reasonable response to me.

Fwiw she has made a point of saying that it's not about excluding me as much as this being something she's always wanted to do. Kinda rings hollodw to me but she has at least tried to show awareness of how I'm feeling.

Side note, I've talked more about my feelings itt than I ever imagined I would on 2+2...

It's not so much that she wants to exclude you from the trip as she wants to exclude you from participating in the decision. That's not how successful relationships work.

Maybe you should find your own child to take on a trip somewhere.

Agreed.

Dale, the miscommunications seem to be getting mischaracterized somewhat. Can you give more context and detail as to the very first communication she and you have ever had about a mother-daughter trip?

You say that she mentioned the idea to you, before ever planning specifics or clearing time off from work, but that it was vague, and you and she had different ideas in mind about what that meant. Was this the very first time you ever heard about such an idea, and if so, what did she exactly say to you, best you can remember?

Has she ever mentioned such an idea, even in passing, ever before? Like when you were in Paris together, something like "Oh it would be great to take Daughter back here someday" etc?

Have you ever talked about how things may or may not change after you get married? Would that change little to nothing in your mind, and would that change little to nothing in her mind, or would things change in her mind? Would she act this way if you were married?


For example, has she ever mentioned that she's always wanted to do this before? And why would that ring hollow?

And you've gotten really good advice. ... Now feel better, sally forth and ignore it all!

As someone who does not really do holidays with the fam anymore, I totally understand how you can be simultaneously bummed by this and also fine with spending it alone.

Hoping things work out for you.

LOL at thinking that 8 year olds are similar to 4 year olds.

lol at thinking otherwise

there are approximately zero 8-year olds that would prefer going to Paris in winter over going to Orlando disneyworld or similar ****

Not sure why everyone is freaking out about putting money on the credit card. She is a full grown adult with 1k to her name, she has obviously always lived this way. it's only a big deal to OP now because he's the odd man out.

Last hurrah for her before she gets hitched, better with her daughter as a partner than some grizzly french man. Be thankful the daughter will be keeping her eye out on her!

The "1k to her name" has been brought up a number of times.

Dale, she had much more to her name before you bought a house together, right? Was it more her or your idea to buy the house? Did she want to deplete ~all of her savings or were there issues with this? Was there discussion at the time about how this would impact your future finances?

This is an unexplored detail in the story.

Ok so now what? If this is fait accompli, and you have made your discomfort known and it has been acknowledged, it’s time to move past this. Assuming you plan on moving forward with getting married, your next move is to pull off some sort of hero move on their behalf while in Paris. Something like a private viewing of the water lillies at L’Orangerie, etc. basically anything that demonstrates their happiness is your top concern, and while you may not fully understand why she’s doing this, as her partner for life you are willing to get past that and be an enthusiastic supporter.

OOT should throw dale a bachelor party in Vegas over christmas

I like this idea. Perhaps lunch at L'ambrosie and dinner at L'ami Jean.

I bet even an 8 year old can appreciate the Tarte Fine Sablee au Cacao.

Someday I want to have eaten at all the places amoeba has.

Lol

Am I the only one who is eagerly anticipating learning what everyone finds under OP's tree this Christmas?

This is good. Even though I'm rethinking the relationship, it would be a nice gesture.

Rereading that MLYLT thread was a treat I did enjoy all the bad advice granddam was giving, and when greg oreo and El D pointed out it was bad advice, she was like "time will tell". She was right about that part at least.

dale,

****ty situation, you're getting some good advice and you seem to be taking that advice well. Good luck.

I certainly thought the house was both of our ideas

She probably had 4-5 months living expenses on January 1 of this year. Assuming we were tight with our money this year she would be back there within 12 months. Not now obviously.

I started with 7-8 months expenses. It's now at three months but should be at 6 months by mid-summer. We both have jobs that are very stable. I can only be fired basically if I physically assualt someone.

Like I said the house and trip we're the big things this year along with moving expenses and lawn equipment etc. The last two months we've been on budget and hit our savings target to rebuild the emergency funds.