Not necessarily. My wife and I still maintain separate finances, but we obviously share plenty of common expenses. YMMV in community property states obviously.

Once we agreed to how we would set things up, we have never had an argument about finances. We have made continual adjustments as circumstances changed and it seemed obvious to us that changes would be necessary to keep things fair. I can't recall any of those adjustments requiring more than five minutes of conversation.

Very much agree with most of this. If Dale has any significant assets at all, he would be foolish to enter marriage with her without a pre-nup--or at least discussing the advisability of a pre-nup with an attorney.

Agree that change can be made, but ime it is a very slow process. My wife would testify in a heartbeat that she has made tremendous strides with her finances since we got married. And I would agree, even though she could still be doing better imo. I do some head-shaking privately and may offer an unsolicited opinion occasionally, but that is always the end of it unless she wants some advice or guidance.

In Dale's case it is very unlikely that his gf will be able to move the needle enough to satisfy his hopes and expectations. Maintaining separate finances and possibly a pre-nup can remove some of the anger and anxiety around that issue, but their communication issues are a huge obstacle there.

I would be shocked if this is the only agreement she will be unhappy with and request a complete do-over.

"But we had an agreement ..." is not going to be very persuasive or end the conversation. Or solve the problem.

Good questions. If either person agreed to it without being completely on-board, there are going to be predictable problems.

Yup, completely standard stuff that guys sell their soul for way too early in life. I'm so glad I've been able to fade marriage & kids these 35 years. Every marriage horror story I've heard about, I really took to heart and just figured that marriage & kids is just something I don't have the sanity to handle. I legit feel bad for OP. It's never going to get better, he's going to have to greatly reduce his quality of life just to keep the bills paid to keep her happy. It's like trying to empty a sinking boat with a coffee cup.

Yeah, this is definitely a sane view.

heh, but i've married my wife when we were 24 and right now we are 32 and still loving each other. I'm really glad that i have chosen such way in my life.

I'll be the first to admit (like I did on page 6 or 7), my relationship advice is horrible.

I agree with this to a certain extent but obviously you're still going to get financial **** ups who never change and obviously it's a bit of a roll of the dice. Plus the heartache during the transitional stage from financial **** up to financially responsible can make for some pretty difficult times.

Yes, for sure, and the woman in question could be one, but it is bull**** to say that if someone is bad with money they will always have that problem. Lots of people have irresponsible periods in life of varying length before they get their **** together, repair their credit, and move on with their lives in a responsible way. It's not uncommon at all. I still contend that the most threatening issue that predicts failure of the relationship here isn't the vacation or the money stuff, it is the lack of communication to work through any of it. It is possible to address all of it. I don't know if it is probable in this case.

I agree with what you're saying.

In my life experience thus far, it certainly is. Marriage/having a family is def not for everyone, it's just something people are told they need to do. IMO however, most would be better off if they did not.

Exactly. Money doesn't buy happiness, but neither does a marriage, wife, 2 kids, dog & a house with mounds of financial debt and crippling out-clauses should something go wrong at some point in your life. I'd conservatively guess that 7/10 marriages fail due to people not getting to know each other well enough before marrying, especially when it comes to the main factors that contribute to divorce, money & infidelity.

OP sounds like he's more of a "fixer" than a "breaker" so he is looking for advice to fix things, which is commendable. If you're willing to take the plunge on marriage, being a stepfather, and entering a 25-30 year financial agreement on a home you might as well try and find a solution to fix things because the (financial) consequences of separation at this point would only cripple both people. While most of my posts are in jest, I don't find anything wrong with Dale looking for advice on 2+2. There's a lot of sound poker players here and a few brilliant minds in their respective field of expertise, and that can often bring some very sound & logical arguments. And if you're the deeply introspective type, like I tend to be (and over do it with), you can take some deep life lessons out of a thread like this.

My wife contributes 0% and does 90% of the spending. Works well for us.

So her yearly budget has 2k in space and she's going on a 5k vacation, so she's going to be flat out for 2.5 years.

Seems good.

OP's money tho

Right. It seems she's already gaining leverage by building him into paying the dance recital (maybe more I haven't read last 50 or so posts). So she breaks herself tells him well I need you to cover dance, and well a couple other things and he has to. Especially if it's for the daughter, he'll feel compelled. And he's not wrong

+1 LOL

<3

Not all contributions are monetary. At a minimum, happily married men live longer.

7/10 mariages failing doesnt mean a lot when the majority of people are stupid. I think most people are better off married if they dont make stupid choices when picking their partner. The fact that most people make stupid choices/pick partners that are incompatible doesnt change that.

Shocker. Things failing when people make bad decisions.

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I think the real issue is that you can't get to know someone "enough" under any reasonable time frame. People change! (Hopefully) What you were like at 25 is not the same as 35 and 45.

I dated a few women that I would have married if I thought they would stay like they were at 25. Then I met their mothers and realized I didn't want what they'd be like at 45.

I almost married not so long time ago. And then the trust was gone.
Now that I think about it at no point in time it was a rational decision on my part. As I said "yes", it was because I couldn't otherwise. As I broke things off it was because I couldn't otherwise. And I am soooooooooooooo glad that at no point in time I was relying on dude's money. That took a complicating factor out of all that.

Last time I looked it up, fewer than half of first-time marriages failed, and a large portion of that was due to poverty and super early marriages. Not gonna look it up again right now, but marriages of college educated people after 25 years old were far more successful, as you might guess.

The 2nd one is surprising to me.

I had a gf who after 1-year would have bet good money we'd eventually marry, but we moved in together and she was like a completely different person and it ended 6 months later. I'd have guessed seeing what life would be like living together before marrying would lead to stronger marriages, but I guess not.