my wife is cheating on me (thread extracted from LC)

[Yeti]

[manbearpig]

I think I am going to be 28 and divorced. My wife (of a little over 2 years) and I haven't been getting along for awhile now, but I thought there were glimmers of hope here and there. We definitely still have our ups and downs, and I feel like I have been addressing the issues she felt like I needed to address. I can't say the same about her, but have been giving her the benefit of the doubt.

I have been a little uneasy about a couple of things lately. One, about the time we started fighting (or at least then is when I noticed it) she put a password on her phone, leaving it on silent all the time, logs out of facebook/email on her personal computer that I sometimes use, and has become much more private in general. She also has been very very friendly with a couple of guys up at the golf course we belong to. Both work there, and I would say I am friendly with one and pretty decent friends with the other (as in we do stuff outside of the course). Nothing completely out of line, but definitely flirtatious. And she tends to hang out at the clubhouse with them when I am playing, especially at night. About a month ago she got a text from the one I am less friendly with, and when I asked her about it she got a little defensive.

So with us fighting, her being kinda flirtatious with them, and the secret text messaging going on I have been a little on edge.

Tonight I happened to see her key in her password to her phone. I know this is bad bad bad behavior but when she was brushing her teeth I grabbed her phone, hoping to just ease my mind.

This is a conversation (last night when I was out of town on business) with the guy I consider(ed?) a pretty good friend. Her texts are in green. I snapped a screenshot, texted it to myself, then deleted the picture and text.



So then I sat my wife down and asked her if she was cheating on me. She completely denies, gets pissed off says I don't trust her, throws up from being so upset, etc etc. At this point she doesn't know I saw her phone.

I told her why I was feeling insecure, that I didn't really think she was cheating, but just had it in my head. She told me as she has more than once that she would leave me before cheating. I asked to see her phone, since that was a big piece of my issue that it would make me feel better. She says no "because her word should be enough." We sit and stare for awhile then she went to bed in our guest bedroom.

She still doesn't know I saw this text conversation.

I think I am kind of a ****ty person for invading her privacy like I did.

I don't know what to do next. That conversation seems pretty cut and dry to me. Thoughts?

[trigstarr]

mix tapes are pretty gay, i guess he could be gay? best of luck though man, that sucks.

[LFS]

mbp,

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

Marriage counselor stat. I think you're going to need to admit what you've seen. I don't think you're evil for doing what you did, but clearly problems existed with or without that text.

If she IS cheating, is it salvageable or just flat over? (I'm using a broad definition of cheating here - basically, if that text is what it looks like, that they have a romantic relationship, is that enough?)

Good luck.

[pongo]

oh man that sucks. no idea what the best thing to do here is, but sorry you have to deal with it at all. good luck for sure.

[manbearpig]

So she just came downstairs and said she was sorry for making me feel like she was cheating, asking what she did and what she could do to make it not feel like that. I told her that basically the combination of us being in a bad place, her flirtatiousness, and the secret text/email/fb all added up to me really questioning. Which is true, and led me to checking the phone tonight.

I asked her again if there was anything going on, physical or not, and she said no, that she would leave me before it came to that.

She has to be up for work in like 4 hours or something, so I just told her that if she said nothing was going on then I would trust her, and that we should go to bed and talk tomorrow. I don't like lying more, but for the sake of her day at work tomorrow, and knowing that nothing positive is going to come out of this tonight, I thought it was best.

And she is such an honest person, or at least has been I think, that I want to believe her. That conversation is just sooo bad. Mix tapes and saying they love each other. Ugh.

[manbearpig]

LFS, yeah that's enough. I would be done.

Others, thanks. I am a sad panda.

[Eurotrash]

Omar tried to warn you, mbp.

[manbearpig]

I know. Hesitated to post this.

[Alobar]

Originally Posted by manbearpig

she put a password on her phone, leaving it on silent all the time, logs out of facebook/email on her personal computer that I sometimes use, and has become much more private in general.

seriously, no one in a relationship does this unless they are cheating. The first and most obvious way to figure out if someone is cheating on you is how they handle their phone, if all of a sudden its not left out anymore, or is made so you cant look at it, theres a reason.

Tonight I happened to see her key in her password to her phone. I know this is bad bad bad behavior

Trust me, she wanted you to find it, so dont feel bad about finding it.


its over bro. Sucks but thats where it is. Ive never been married so my advice is suspect but I wouldnt waste my time trying to save a marriage that will never have the trust it needs to be healthy. Move out, Move on. You can tell her you found out or not, it really doesnt matter. Id prolly not just cuz I think it would hurt her more to feel rejected and im kind of a dick like that.

[LFS]

Originally Posted by manbearpig

That conversation is just sooo bad. Mix tapes and saying they love each other. Ugh.

Yeah. Also, she really vomited? You owe it to yourself to get it all out, and that's probably going to work best in the presence of a professional.

Hope you get some sleep.

[manbearpig]

LFS, yes, she vomited. Like 30 secs after I asked her she hacked up half of dinner in the toilet.

I actually think you have the right plan. Make an appt tomorrow with a counselor. Sit down and say "hey I felt like something was off because of us fighting, flirtatious behavior, and secretive phone/etc. Then last night, rightly or wrongly, I checked her phone and found this." And let it play out from there.

[manbearpig]

Alobar, fwiw her reasoning with the phone has been that she has it on her desk at work (3rd grade teacher) and she doesn't want the kids to be able to get into it. This being her 4th year teaching, and it just starting this year at some point, makes me call BS on that.

[garcia1000]

Originally Posted by manbearpig

LFS, yes, she vomited. Like 30 secs after I asked her she hacked up half of dinner in the toilet.

That is probably from her fear that you found out, not from any sort of unhappiness that you would suspect her

[garcia1000]

I wouldn't waste time with the marriage counselor, but you can try it if it will make you feel better.

[dw2006]

Is there any chance he is gay? If not she is pretty clearly cheating.

[manbearpig]

Well, I'm going to try to get some sleep. I am thinking that she will go to work tomorrow like normal and I will have all day to figure out next steps. Although counselor seems like the most rational way to do this.

Supposed to have lunch with the guy tomorrow, but am thinking I will probably cancel that. How would you guys handle that part of this? Not lunch specifically, but him in general?

[manbearpig]

Originally Posted by dw2006

Is there any chance he is gay? If not she is pretty clearly cheating.

No, he has a long term live in girlfriend. The four of us go out a couple of times a month socially.

And although I haven't seen it first hand, he has a bit of a reputation of keeping girls on the side.

[manbearpig]

So I can't sleep and am just thinking about this. It comes to mind to go check iTunes to see if there is anything interesting.

New playlist on her computer.

1) Aston Martin Music by Rick Ross
2) Bring Me to Live by Evanescence (we went to Universal with the dude and gf a couple of weeks ago and they have this roller coaster where you pick a song to listen to while you ride. He went on and on about this one being his favorite).
3) A Beautiful Life by 30 seconds to Mars (same night at Universal, this band was playing)
4) The Sex is Good by Saving Abel
5) You Make Me Wanna by Usher
6) Look at me Now by Chris Brown
7) 3 AM by Matchbox Twenty
8) Somewhere With You by Kenny Chesney
9) All of the Lights by Kanye
10) She Talks to Angels by The Black Crowes
11) Monday, Monday by The Mamas and the Papas
12) Sharp Dressed Man by ZZ Top (he has been going on and on about wanting to see them in like 2 weeks.)




So anyway, that basically seals the deal for me. I am not waiting until tomorrow.

[Omar Comin]

Originally Posted by Eurotrash

Omar tried to warn you, mbp.

Oh wow, I take back my sarcastically mean post. I think I deserve a new under title for that prediction even though I'd be happier If I was wrong, sorry dude.

[Omar Comin]

wow, really sorry

[garcia1000]

If it's some small consolation to you, at least his taste in music sucks.

[Alobar]

Originally Posted by manbearpig

but him in general?

Im not one of those "beat his ass!" types, as ive personally never understood that emotion in this spot. I just treat him like the earth swallowed him whole. There is no more him.

[Howard Beale]

I think that one of you ppl w/ too much time on their hands should write cliffs at the bottom of each page (or per 30 posts or so) so that I don't have to read 2-3 pages of stuff to see if I'm interested in any of it.

[garcia1000]

Cliffs: Old Guy Advised To Get Bifocals For Internet Message Board Reading