I was prescribed .25mg when I was 20. I've been on it since now and it has escalated due to tolerance levels. I'm at the point where no benzo can get me high. It only calms me and keeps my anxiety at bay. But I'm no longer on that dose or even xanax for that matter.

My lovely and caring ex-boyfriend got me to subscribe to this forum and partake in a thread he made about me without my knowledge. I had no idea this was some sort of forum that people bash at each other rather than the useful, helpful forums I'm used to. He should have warned me and I had no idea that I would become someone of interest to where people would look me up. Clearly I should have gone with a different screen name but I stuck with the one I knew I wouldn't forget. Big mistake obviously.

But what is it that you like here? There is gotta be somehing or you`d be gone by now. Am I wrong?

you mean besides attention whoring?

You're not wrong. First off, I have 3 days off which is rare so I'm bored, secondly, some of the stuff on here is fun to read. But, most of all, even though it is the dumbest thing I could do, I am mainly on here because it is my only connection to WVU. Sad but might as well be honest.

There is some inescapable part of me that yearns for you- and not just for your rough, cracked hands to lift my head by my intrusive chin and tell me that I'm handsome, or to run them down my arms and back up again, teasing me (encouraging me, even) to let go, and give in- but there's an element to me that flows through my body like sticky sweet blood that powers me, it moves me. And you know it.

You know that you drive me insane. I'm sorry that I can't give it all back to you. But you know that you have this ability to drive me wild and you manipulate it like you do me; every move is planned and has its purpose, like you're folding me into origami- a sitting duck, floating on a pool that's drenched in your aura, your ****ing charm. You disgust me.

But, you rule me. I'm a slave to you. If you held my head down in that pool, I'd be blessed and rather then cry out "dear God, save me!" I'd only find the words to thank him for giving me what I've always wanted. You. I want you. Unfortunately for me, God has abandoned me- or at least he doesn't acknowledge me and that's more then I can say for you. Rather than be benevolent or silent, you torture me and you punish me for what I can have. I can have you- you know I can, otherwise you wouldn't abuse my affection so liberally, dragging me on, leaning in a little too close, whispering a little too soft, drawing my hand to yours and pressing it ever so slightly against your thigh- I could have you, if I wanted. And that's just the problem.

I don't want you. I don't, I don't, I don't. But I need you. You are a horrid person; I abhor myself for knowing that there is a capacity in me to fall so hard for someone that I'd call against my very nature. But you're also intoxicating. You've bewitched me; I'm drunk, I'm stoned. I'm poisoned. I long for your tongue to cross paths with mine- even if it means that you'll bite like the waiting asp you are and I'll die. But I'll die loving you.

You're so open about it. You openly sport your prey, your toys- when you're tired of them, they dissolve away into the background, and I've watched it. Women, they come and go- like a cycle of evaporation, they come, they dry- they leave. Women, you get rid of. But me...I'm different, because I am not one of them. I linger; I tell myself its because I am ice to you- I refuse to bend and show you how much it affects me, but I'm melting. Dripping. For you.

One day, I'm going to give in to you. This is my acceptance of defeat. I will never be able to resist you for much longer- but I wanted to have it stated, have it shouted, how much I bloody despise you despite the fact that you are all in the world that could ever make me happy. These words are my paper crane- a thousand of them, a thousand more never said and never written- and they are my deepest wishes. Come and claim me, whenever you are ready.

Ok, now you're going to add your medications and issues with them, your medical records, to a thread where your criminal record (I think it's minor stuff btw, not the point), is already disclosed, along with your name. Again, a public internet forum is not the place for this, it's a huge mistake Michelle, really. Fun is fun, but three years from now this thread could easily cost you or Wvu a job or opportunity. Don't take my word for it, look around the internets about privacy issues. This is the last time I'll make this point, because it's obviously not getting through.

Memriessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss,
Like the corners of my mind
Misty water-colored memories
Of the way we were
Scattered pictures,
Of the smiles we left behind
Smiles we gave to one another
For the way we were
Can it be that it was all so simple then?
Or has time re-written every line?
If we had the chance to do it all again
Tell me, would we? could we?
Memries, may be beautiful and yet
What's too painful to remember
We simply choose to forget
So it's the laughter
We will remember
Whenever we remember...
The way we were...
The way we were...

I think most of us are not that shocked.
But if you are not getting back together than this won`t help you to make you feel any better.
On the other hand if you get back together, well, that would be even worse...

ALL OF THIS HAS BEEN AIRED ON HERE SINCE THE BEGINNING OF SUMMER! Before I even knew about this site, I was a popular person people wanted to talk and interact with. Trust me, I will get my ****ing name changed. But not because of this site, it is because of legal and other issues. Also, stop trying to give advice that has been stated, oh I dunno, maybe a thousand ****ing times? I get it jackass. Everything about me has been aired. It is too late to take it back and nothing said is anything new. I will say it again, everything on here has already been written a hundred times over. On this thread, on others and pretty much everywhere. So stop handing out useless info to me because other than a name change, there's nothing to be done now.

Ok professor.

I know. It sucks. The whole thing sucks. I can't let go. But if I don't it will just blow up later. But I still can't let go.

Go bang some other dudes.

amichele15, have you ever had a threesome? Are we allowed to ask questions about stuff that maybe hasn't been aired?

Any piercings? Favorite movie? anus bleached?

If we all chipped in for dinner and a flight, would you go out on a date with a forum member of our choosing?

I nominate Dids

How are you not over someone like WVU? You should see a counselor/psychiatrist. I really can't see what you see in him...

Also, you completely ignored my letter.

Oh, you mean you're an addict.

I'm going to risk a killatempban, and suggest you consider this thread.
No shame in taking a week off.

Ha, I have no idea what to say about that letter.

But, I know how stupid and ridiculous it is to not be able to move on from him. It should be easier to move on from someone who you don't mix well with and who you've always known wasn't the right one for you... not to mention didn't treat you the way you should be treated. But imo it seems like the dysfunctional relationships (for me at least) are the hardest to overcome and separate yourself from. I had a 4 year relationship with a guy I thought I'd end up marrying. We split (sort of a break, always thinking we'd get back together) but instead our lives took different paths and soon we were both dating different people. I can honestly say though that there was never a tear shed or unhappy feelings and we talked everyday and remained best friends throughout the whole time and for years after.
Its the damn bad, tormenting relationships that make me unable to walk away.

perma NhlNut

you should def date someone from OOT, most of us are rich from poker

I've dated a guy with almost a million dollars, it doesn't mean much just cause a guy has money.

anna,

Which place do you like better, applebees or sizzler?