There are some really great lines in here. This has been one of my favorite threads in a long time. Here's my contribution:
This happened back in the day in 9th grade science class. We're watching a video on bacteria and the human body, etc. It's showing a clip of a housewife cleaning a bath tub with disinfectant when suddenly a spider crawls out of the drain and startles the woman. The narrator says, "Don't worry. It's just a common house spider. It can't hurt you."
And I go, "Unless it has a gun!"
Only me and my friend laughed.