Also the professor one is pretty good imo

yeah, I messed up the first time, this is why I don't post. I will continue my lurking ways now.

lolz thanks. It's basically the dumbest joke I have but I adore it.

Nah, you're fine, it fits the OP exactly, in that it flopped. I was just offering solidarity in that the flopping wasn't your fault. Please keep posting your humor.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=muyHxXUzses

lol, alrighty then, my sarcasm meter is tuned a little too high from years of lurking OOT. thanks for the solidarity =)

/hijack

I've barely done enough to do commentary on it, just open mic at some very small places with about 25% of the crowd being friends of mine. Once I get rolling I could well start a thread. The weirdest part about it so far is that time I'd usually spend chilling out is now spent chilling out with a pen and paper next to me in case I think of some caterpillar-esque brilliance.

While working as a server several years ago, three ladies sat in my section to eat. They started off sharing one salad between them. Then shared one appetizer, one entree and finally one dessert. During their meal, I was very friendly with them it seemed we had a good report going. When I brought out the check, I only included one mint, saying, "I figure you will just share the mint as well." I honestly meant it only as a joke, not trying to be rude at all. Still, nothing but cold stares.

A friend of mine and I make jokes about the others race to the other one as often as possible. He is Mexican and I am white. Neither of us are racist or believe the jokes we say to be true. A big part of the humor is making fun of the clicheness of the jokes. When I arrive at his house, he is on his way to his mailbox located on his curb. I enter through his front door into his hallway. I then yell very loudly so my friend is sure to hear, "Damn, smells like Mexican in here. Ever think of turning on the air conditioner?" I chuckle, then turn the corner into his living room with a large grin on my face, where there is two friends of his playing video games. One happened to be Mexican, and was noticeably disturbed by my comment, since he immediately stormed out of the house. The white guy next to him gave me a WTF look and shrug and followed his friend. I felt like a dick.

Haha this is so true. If a joke of mine ever bombs I just think, damn I'm so much smarter than these people and then I feel okay again.

A friend and I are sitting in an all-day company meeting. We're there to better understand the values of the company and blah blah blah. This exercise comes up where you choose a partner and give each other feedback about whatever. We're both in our mid 20's, rest of 75+ group is over 35 and from various nationalities, ethnic groups, etc.

Instructor asks me, "so why did you choose Kyle (my friend)?"

I answer really loud BECAUSE HE'S SO DREAMY

Friend laughs audibly, crowd is dead silent. Instructor w/o missing a beat goes to the next group and asks the same question. Facial expression never changes.

Brilliant!

A close friend was involved in a relationship with a married woman. After weeks of begging for anal sex, she finally obliged. As they concluded, she made her way to the bathroom and said "Oh God I'm bleeding".

Casually, he stated, "Don't worry, I know how to sew". Needless to say, this did not go over well with her.

This one also did not go over well with the intended audience.

A friend and I were in an elevator before class. A few girls who were also in the class got in the elevator at the next floor. My friend inexplicably faces me and I'm a bit confused. Only the expressions from those poor girl's faces could describe the disgusting odor.

There are some really great lines in here. This has been one of my favorite threads in a long time. Here's my contribution:

This happened back in the day in 9th grade science class. We're watching a video on bacteria and the human body, etc. It's showing a clip of a housewife cleaning a bath tub with disinfectant when suddenly a spider crawls out of the drain and startles the woman. The narrator says, "Don't worry. It's just a common house spider. It can't hurt you."

And I go, "Unless it has a gun!"

Only me and my friend laughed.

This didn't get enough love.

The thing with this joke is it needs to have that "I'm just telling a story" feeling. It doesn't work as a response to "Hey, Terry, tell us a joke!" I mean, obviously, if I am seeing a standup comedian I understand it's going to be jokes, but there's no contrast/exaggeration if it's explicitly laid out as a joke beforehand.

I think it's a quite solid joke.

Rapport.

A local law firm got a box at an MLB game and invited a bunch of big clients and a few other local professionals including myself. I arrive at the suite and am the first person from my firm there, the only people to arrive so far are several older established businessmen in town and a couple of lawyers.

Everyone is standing in a circle chatting and a lawyer I know introduces me to everyone, basically saying everyones name and what they do/which company they own (I am 27 and probably the only person under 40).

The last person she introduces ("Jim"), she only gives his name, he is well know to everybody in our city as he own a large retailer named after himself and does a ridiculous amount of local advertising (e.g. constant radio and television ads, his picture in the local paper every weekend).

I say the first thing that comes to my mind: "So Jim what do you do?"... uncomfortable silence... "My family owns a small retailer". Apparently 40-50 year-old business types aren't big fans of The Office.

for some reason...this is hilarious to me. Nh.

The thing is, if you ever tell anyone you do stand up as a hobby, you are constantly pestered about telling a joke. "Why can't you tell a joke? You do it all the time! Come on man! Come on!" Eventually I just started using one or two of them to tell people in these situations.

OK:

Grade 11 acting class and we have a substitute teacher who obviously doesn't know anything, like a shop teacher or something so we're just playing really stupid games until the class is over. Anyway, we're doing some ******ed game where you look at eachother, one person turns around, and the other person changes something about their apperance: undoes their shoelace, button's up shirt, etc and the other person is supposed to figure out what the difference is.

So, my friend and I, who are both complete idios and will do anything for a laugh, are together. The teacher is making the rounds and she's right beside us. So, my friend turns around, I undo my pants and take them off leaving me just in boxers. My friend turns around and explodes laughing when he sees that I took my pants off and immediatly falls to the floor.

Teacher, not impressed. We were laughing for the rest of the class though.

Cancuk,

That's pretty funny.

Story my roomie told me the other day :

He was hanging out with a friend who work at a different YMCA than he does and also present were four of his friends female staff members. They all know each other through the Y, but since my roomie works at a different Y, the 4 female staff members don't know him THAT well.

Somehow, they got on the topic of donating sperm and my roomies buddy told my roomie that he should donate his sperm because "he's got great sperm". I guess this line turned into the joke of the night between them all. So when my roomie was departing from the group, while hugging one of the female staff members, she says to him "You have great sperm" to which my roomie replies "Yes, I do. You should taste it sometime".

He said there was awkward silence aand weird looks all around.

This happens to me all the time, usually in the form of a movie reference no one gets. It also used to happen alot when I was a kid at church. I remember the teacher once asking, after finishing the story of Jonah and the whale, what we had learned from the story. I replied, "don't go swimming without a buddy." Didn't go over well.

Oh, I thought of one:

A few years ago this girl from my Logic 100 (lol?) class asked me to help her out with an assignment, so I agreed and we met at some coffee shop.

She had typed out her answers already and showed them to me and I saw her name at the top. She showed me the paper then was like "I'm _______ btw (don't remember her name atm)", then she gave a playfullly upset look when I told her that I saw it on the paper already. Then I caught on to her joke and said "And your address too!". And then it was weird....


So, ya, don't make stalker jokes around girls.

LMAO thats awesome