So about a month after i started dating my current gf i got totally ****faced and hooked up with another girl. Afterwards this girl is asking me all kinds of questions like if we can hangout sometime this week and i just start feeling insanely guilty and just tell her sorry i have a gf this isn't going to work out etc.

So this is about 4am and i can't sleep because i feel like an ass and i like this girl im dating so i feel like the right thing to do is just own up to it and tell her it was a dumb mistake and i want to keep seeing her, i call her at like 6am and apologize/tell her i was drunk and stupid for like 30 minutes, and she tells me she will call me later that day.

So i go to sleep thinking I did the right thing here regardless of the outcome. Later that day im talking with my roommate about it and he says that i'm selfish for telling her and i only did so to ease my own guilt, and that she would be happier not knowing.

I think about this for a bit and think it's kind of interesting really because I would have felt horrendously guilty if i didn't tell her. Anyways this happened like 4 months ago and im still with this girl, for some reason just was thinking about this tonight and thought it was an interesting ethical delimma.

What do you guys think? fwiw after i told her she said she was pretty upset about it but would get over it because i was upfront and honest about it all.

The people who say, "I want to hear the truth no matter what. Having no secrets in our relationship is the most important thing," are lying to themselves. Learning the truth is an unnecessary burden to relationships sometimes. I agree with your buddy. You made the mistake, you realized it and learned a lesson and will not do it again. No reason to hurt the girl by telling her.

Yeah, your buddy is wrong and she deserves to know. If you had smoked pot and she was extremely anti drug then not telling her is fine. There is a clear line about what people should and shouldnt know and "she would be happier to not hear it" is a terrible measure of where that line is.

I think she should know, but wow, the rest of this post is horrible. DRUGS OK | SEX BAD is your clear line? W. T. F. Maybe you just used a horrible example, but this makes no sense at all.

All you do by telling her is make her feel bad. Break up if the relationship is over. Keep c**k in pants if you want relationship to continue.

Him smoking pot in the past and her being extremely anti drug achieves nothing by telling her. Him being a cheat goes towards his character and the future of the relationship.

Maybe i should have used a better example but it still stands on its merit imo and i didnt want to have something extremely mild like she is a vegetarian and he worked in an abattoir killing chickens one month in college.

op,

you should've kept your mouth shut

phill,

same

lol its funny longterm gf i had a while back was a vegan and one of our biggest fights was that i wasn't "sympathetic" to her beliefs.

btw this might change things a bit and make me look like an even bigger ass, but like a week after we started dating (hadnt talked about being exclusive but we were together pretty much) i hooked up with another girl and also told her. My friends thought i was a dumbass for telling her still the second time if i wanted to stay with her but i just had this overwhelming guilt, no way i could have kept it a secret i think.

If that stuff happened in the past then who cares, but if its something extremely important to her, they have an understanding that he isnt to do any drugs, and he did it anyway during the relationship then thats different. imo thats what ray was getting at, not something that happened before the relationship started.

She wasn't feeling bad when you told her, so telling her wasn't to make her feel better. Telling her was selfish and to make you feel better. Next time don't do something that makes you feel bad and this won't come up.

Phil, so, what if she was anti meth and you were a meth head. Is that ok, or not ok?

Him taking drugs behind her back when he knows she is against it goes towards his character just as much. He may not think it's WRONG to do drugs, and if she does, they may just have an irreconcilable difference and should go their separate ways. But if they want to have any sort of relationship, and one person is doing something the other person completely objects to, they need to work out the difference,not hide it.

I agree with Unjammed that people don't really WANT to hear the truth, but there's a difference between if they want to, and if they should.

hahahah

Him smoking pot in the past is a great example of something not telling her about can be a good lie (note "in the past"). Im not even sure him being a former meth addict and her being uber anti meth would be something she would need to know though i cant see her being against someone for being addicted to meth and getting off the stuff.

Im not a drug user, hell i dont even drink regularly. But you said yourself "one person is doing something the other person completely objects to", that is not at all what im saying and it is something i would agree with.

Maybe these are grey areas but i think we can all agree OP cheating on her is not a grey area and she does deserve to know that.

op you sound like a jackass and will probably always cheat on her/others

Dont ever call anyone at 6AM ever for any reason, you selfish prick.

J-Mac,

brilliant.


OP,

fail.

Don't take this as a personal shot but, what makes you think you know what truths people should and shouldn't hear? I understand if it was an issue of personal safety or something of the like, but this is far from it imo.

I don't understand what OP expected to accomplish by telling her. He might feel better with a clear conscience but also might feel worse because of how she reacts/treats him/breaks up/whatever.

Your roommate is a ******ed idiot. Not telling her is even worse than cheating. If you can't be honest in a relationship, your relationship isn't worth having.

Doing it at 6AM, OTOH, is absurd.

Not if it's understood that you won't do it it isn't.

Wow, lots of scumbags ITT.

Maybe someday you will be. Just hang in there.

I agree with AlexM which is weird for me. Of course it's selfish in that you are making yourself feel better like getting the weight of the guilt off your chest. But also, if you intend to be in a relationship with someone on an ongoing basis, she has the right to that information so she can decide whether to waste any more of her time on you.

Nothing personal taken at all, and answering the bolded part kind of answers your first question, so let me take a crack at that.

He is expected to accomplish having an open honest relationship. Am I really going that far out on a limb here to say that if I was really against my girlfriend ****ing other guys, and she ****ed another guy, despite how much it may hurt, its better to know that and deal with it, even it means dumping said girlfriend, rather than instead living a lie of a relationship.

I think you're either under 22 or a sook.