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How should I survive the cicadapocalypse?

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04-02-2024 , 06:03 PM

krunic

Carpal \'Tunnel

Join Date: Sep 2013 Posts: 6,189

The great Land Of Lincoln will imminently be overrun with cicadas. I hate bugs in general, and these ****ers are quite larger than most. What, if anything, should I do? Staying inside all summer is unfortunately not an option.

https://arstechnica.com/science/2024...-with-cicadas/

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Two broods of periodical cicadas—Brood XIX on a 13-year cycle and Brood XIII on a 17-year cycle—are slated to emerge together in central Illinois this summer for the first time in over two centuries.

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After 13 or 17 years (depending on the brood), countless inch-long adults dig themselves out in sync, crawling out of the ground en masse for a monthlong summer orgy

Damn jerks having orgies all over my lawn. Rude.

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“Illinois is going to be ground zero. From the very top to the very bottom of the state, it’s going to be covered in cicadas.”

Covered. In cicadas.

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Entomologists around the world already have their flights booked for May. “We’re like cicada groupies,”

Possibly even worse, it will attract a hoard of sick freak humans who get off on this ****

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Cicadas are shockingly chill, protein-packed, and taste like high-end shrimp—easy, delicious prey. “Periodical cicadas are sitting ducks,” says Lill. They don’t bite, sting, or poison anyone, and they’re totally unbothered by being handled. Dogs, raccoons, birds, and other generalist predators will gorge themselves on this flying feast until they’re stuffed, and it barely makes a dent in the cicada population. It’s their secret weapon, Lill says: In the absence of other defense mechanisms, “they just overwhelm predators by their sheer abundance.”

Cicadas: Nature's Free Lunch

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Once mating season winds down, so does the cicada’s life. “In late summer, everybody forgets about cicadas,” Lill says. “They all die. They all rot in the ground. And then they’re gone.” By late June, there will be millions of pounds of cicadas piling up at the base of trees, decomposing. The smell, Kritsky says, “is a sentient memory you will never forget—like rancid Limburger cheese.”

I don't know what rancid Limburger cheese smells like and I don't want to find out.

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04-02-2024 , 06:06 PM

Tuma

Worships Amon-Ra

Join Date: Aug 2012 Posts: 16,402

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04-02-2024 , 06:09 PM

krunic

Carpal \'Tunnel

Join Date: Sep 2013 Posts: 6,189

Do they not allow poles anymore? I tried to make one but it wouldn't let me.

Options were going to be:

1. move
2. run around maniacally stomping/swatting as many as possible
3. sit on the porch drinking oatmeal stout and watch the world end
4. do nothing/dont know
5. other

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04-02-2024 , 07:52 PM

txdome

Carpal \'Tunnel

Join Date: Mar 2007 Posts: 17,934

You already posted the answer.

Spoiler:

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04-02-2024 , 10:12 PM

Booker Wolfbox

Carpal \'Tunnel

Join Date: Aug 2012 Posts: 38,672

Screen in the porch, then go with the drink yourself stupid option.

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04-02-2024 , 10:16 PM

Tom Ames

Carpal \'Tunnel

Join Date: Oct 2005 Posts: 45,803

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04-03-2024 , 03:20 PM

AquaSwing

veteran

Join Date: Aug 2005 Posts: 2,262

Hearing them takes me back to my childhood playing outside at dusk until it was time to come inside. Those days were great. Of course with two broods it's going to be unbearable. Sorry!

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04-03-2024 , 06:39 PM

BRm34eva

adept

Join Date: Apr 2011 Posts: 965

I'll be visiting family in Northern Wisconsin during peak season. **** them. Taste ok though.

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04-03-2024 , 07:57 PM

REDeYeS00

always sloppy

Join Date: Jun 2004 Posts: 22,819

little league field light output never quite stretched all the way to the corners
only thing that did was the summer hum of cicada and june bugs
they clung to the mesh of your ball cap all the way into september
especially if you were the dork that wore stirrups
might even find a couple of smashed carapace in the pocket of your glove after an active double-header with multiple overthrows to first

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04-04-2024 , 12:57 AM

#10

CowboyCold

Pooh-Bah

Join Date: Jul 2010 Posts: 3,943

I just realized I was a dork for wearing sanitary socks in little league.

Spoiler:

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04-04-2024 , 01:04 AM

#11

rickroll

oddly catty

Join Date: Aug 2011 Posts: 22,830

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04-04-2024 , 01:51 AM

#12

smartDFS

old hand

Join Date: Feb 2015 Posts: 1,738

these are gross af. if they're truly everwhere i'm going full bird box

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04-10-2024 , 07:28 PM

#13

smartDFS

old hand

Join Date: Feb 2015 Posts: 1,738

Study finds cicadas could project high-speed jets of urine at you

knew it

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04-10-2024 , 07:33 PM

#14

Tom Ames

Carpal \'Tunnel

Join Date: Oct 2005 Posts: 45,803

I love the smell of cicada urine in the morning!

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04-10-2024 , 08:05 PM

#15

REDeYeS00

always sloppy

Join Date: Jun 2004 Posts: 22,819

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Originally Posted by Tom Ames

I love the smell of cicada urine in the morning!

if anybody's bugged out about flight of the cicadae, it would be ol' fuddy-duddy Tom
what was an operating documentary is now a pack of clips rich with vague kill gore
what a drag

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04-10-2024 , 08:46 PM

#16

Tom Ames

Carpal \'Tunnel

Join Date: Oct 2005 Posts: 45,803

Quote:

Originally Posted by REDeYeS00

if anybody's bugged out about flight of the cicadae, it would be ol' fuddy-duddy Tom
what was an operating documentary is now a pack of clips rich with vague kill gore
what a drag

I understand most of that. God help me!

Surf's up!

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04-10-2024 , 09:39 PM

#17

REDeYeS00

always sloppy

Join Date: Jun 2004 Posts: 22,819

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Originally Posted by Tom Ames

I understand most of that. God help me!

Surf's up!

this may help with the other parts

Spoiler:

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04-10-2024 , 09:45 PM

#18

Tom Ames

Carpal \'Tunnel

Join Date: Oct 2005 Posts: 45,803

That wascally WED!

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