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How many 5 year-olds..... How many 5 year-olds.....

03-25-2005 , 07:32 PM
I have been reading all the comments on this topic..great discussion guys. Most everyone would agree that the weakness of the 5 year olds is their size and ability to have the mindset of such a task. So, I question the board to this. How many adult midgets could you take out. Same rules apply.
that depends. are we talking about this kind

or this kind
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03-25-2005 , 11:59 PM
Couldnt the bouncy castle mode work to your advantage?

I mean take a big bounce and just spread your whole body out and land. Take out quite a few of them and scatter the rest, they'd fall over from the force of you hitting the floor and causing the rest of the castle to move up.
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03-26-2005 , 01:14 PM
I read this shaking my head. Most posters clearly don't have experience with 5 year olds. I have twin 5 yr olds. They DO have a longer attention span than discussed, esp if it is 5 year old boys and it is about fighting. They are made out of rubber. Their heads are like bowling balls (ouch). They just keep coming back for more without an adult's sense of when to give up. You will also be laughing so hard it will be hard to stay focused! Your only hope is that half of them will be girls who even at 5 have better sense. Loved the costumes.
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03-26-2005 , 09:00 PM
This is my first post on this board. I was emailed a link to this discussion because I was told it would amuse the boojum out of me. I am now without boojum. Mad props to the originator.

I have worked with kids of all ages for many years. The five year old mark is a great place to put this test, because most 5's haven't yet been exposed to team sports, real guided learning, group activites, active violence or anything more physically intimidating than a slide. If you made the age even 7... much harder. That being said, I know nothing about martial arts, the human limits of endurance, how to swing a 5-year-old, etc. If I had to guess, I'd put my number at around 25-30.

Unless one of them was Caitlin. I met Caitlin when I was the arts-and-crafts director at a summer camp back in the mid 80's. She was five, small for her age, and looked like your average little spindly girl. But she could gnaw through brick, run up the side of a building, scream loud enough to bust your eardrums, bust reinforced glass with her forehead and kick through the rear door of a '78 Chevy Nova. Caitlin had moments where she became posessed by the demon Ba'al, the strength of 10 grown men, and her brain produced a natural version of PCP. We don't know how or why. But when she went on a binge, we got "the big guy" from the swimming instruction program and stayed the heck out'n their way.

You get one or two like that in your crowd... fuggedaboudit.

Now, I'm a lazy, shortish, bookish, couch-potato who spends all day working on the computer. So, for contrast, I asked my buddy Neil, who works out and is trained in two martial arts, what he thought of this insanely entertaining topic. His email to me was highly illuminating. I share it with you now:

* * * * *

I have done quite a bit of competitive sparring. I have had to defend myself simultaneously from ten attackers (fellow martial arts students of varying age and expertise, but all adults) for periods of five minutes. I make the analogy because in the posts the assumed critical turning point was being brought to the ground by the children - which was also the end of competition in sparring. (note: A focus of my training has been countering being grabbed)

Here are my thoughts, based on my training and experience;

1) Staying vertical while competing against trained adults - for even five minutes - is utterly exhausting. To the point of physical collapse. Even for someone who has been training for that purpose, and preparing over a long period of time.

2) Staying vertical while competing against a group of average American adults who have no previous martial arts experience or training is not so hard. That is assuming I am only defending - as long as there is no actual requirement for me to attack and knock the others out. (much more risky) The reality is that, even with serious training, more than three attackers get in each other's way and are not a factor until the first ones are eliminated and there is room for them to get in. Barring shear bad luck (often a determinant) a limit of up to ten minutes to stay on my feet against a group of untrained adults is a reasonable expectation. I hesitate to guess how many adults I could knock unconscious. However, I am confident that I could stay on my feet over a period of ten minutes. Say... four tries out of five.

3) I could render a child unconscious in about four seconds. Pacing myself, and using the same time limit to exhaustion, that is fifteen per minute or a total of 150 over ten minutes. Even completely exhausted, I am going to grant myself that it would take six 50-lb children to pull me down.

So my personal estimate is 156.


What if the adult is my most senior martial arts instructor, instead of me? I have seen him take down a group of five simultaneously attacking black belts without breaking a sweat. He can defend against all of the students until after we are all exhausted without ever going down himself. And believe me, we are giving it all we've got or he would *really* kick our butts.

If the adult chosen is my most senior martial arts instructor instead of me, I would increase the estimate of time-to-collapsing-fatigue to an hour, conservatively. He could also render them unconscious as soon as he touched them (say 1 to 2 seconds, or avg 1.5 sec. ea.) That would make my estimate for him a total of 40 per minute x 60 minutes = 2,400, and I will grant him ten to pull him down even while completely exhausted.

That makes my estimate for a senior martial arts instructor a total of 2,410.

Since one of the stipulations is that this is happening inside, the real answer is "as many as will fit in the room."

Thanks for the mental exercise!

~ Neil

* * * * *

I love Neil. He always gives any question his full, intense scrutiny.

Thanks for really brightening up my weekend.
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03-28-2005 , 02:02 AM
Here's a better question, how many ******ed, bitch poker players in a room could I beat the [censored] out of? A freaking ton if you asked this question to me in person. Obviously too busy [censored] around online to actually have kids, or you wouldn't be able to actually tolerate this [censored]. It's not funny or cool, just wrong. Grow up cum chuggers.
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03-28-2005 , 02:13 AM
Cum chuggers---now THAT is funny and cool. You are my new hero.
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03-28-2005 , 02:29 AM
you are a [censored].
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03-28-2005 , 03:20 AM
ok, screw that douchebag.

but anyway

i'm gonna go with 50.

i definitely think that the jogging around/ quick strike would be highly effective. I would need to be swarmed heavily to be brought down since these little beings are extremely weak.

As for my weapon of choice....I'm going to have to go with a crowbar of decent weight. The knuckle duster is also a good option. I would not resort to the crowbar until i felt that my jogging around and kicking method was starting to break down in effectiveness.

and this is definitely the funniest thread i've ever read in OOT.... i just picture one of us jogging around and laying full bore kicks into children.

This hypothetical situation kicks ass.
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03-28-2005 , 03:21 AM
First off, even if I am unarmed I still say that I could take out a good 45+ of the little buggers before I got too tired to be able to fend them off. It is simply a matter of stamina. I have a five year old nephew that tries to flying tackle me and every time it is simply a swipe of my arm that causes him to go flying back onto the couch. He is not exactly your normal five year old kid either, more like a seven year old at age five.

Secondly, if I got my choice of weapon(s) I would either have to go with a set of escrima sticks (think 1" thick dowel rods) or a combination medium shield and a single escrima stick. One whack to the face, or pretty much anywhere on the head and they are down for the count. Not to mention shield bashing. I could clear whole swathes with that. With either one of those weapon sets I would set the numbers at somewhere around 250 with just the sticks, upwards of 400 with the shield. I mean the first 50 or so would go down in less than five minutes. With the shield I would simply have to keep the little bastards in front of me while I circle around them beating heads. I still don't see them taking me down unless I got REALLY tired.
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03-28-2005 , 11:15 AM
alright, my uncle told me about this at Easter dinner and had me laughing my ass off. His son, my cousin, is five years old and without a doubt i think i could take on his entire kindagarden class. just ring the recess bell and let the massacre begin. a five year? seriously, they are more interested in sponge bob then learning fighting techniques.

hmm, thats a good idea. what if you dressed up as Sponge Bob and started attacking these tiny fists of fury? that would be hilarious not to mention detramental to the kids....hahaha imagine seeing sponge bob whaling on 30 five years olds hahahaha

besides...if they are all coming at you from one side of the court you could just ran through them like a big rig through a corn field.

i say my number would be atleast 30.
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03-28-2005 , 03:42 PM
Pose the hypothetical another way ...

Remember when you were 5? How many of you and your friends would you need to take down one of your dads? We actually discussed this when we were 5! We said that all six of us could do it.
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03-28-2005 , 03:56 PM
Look at it as an energy conservation issue. Granted, you'll be able to dispatch the first few little buggers in seconds, but on the average, I reckon that you'll be able to do one every two minutes.

As an athletic event, I see this as sort of a middle distance event; 1000m swim, 10K run, or 20K bike. After which, you'll need to rest. These events take between 20 and 40 minutes.

In 20 to 40 minutes you'll dispatch between 10 and 20, at which time you'll need a rest. The moment you rest, they got you!

I'd say to all you who put higher numbers have never spent a solid five minutes on the punching bag, or 10 minutes on the rowing machine, or run a marathon, or actually been in a fire fight.

Great hypothetical. I had fun!
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03-28-2005 , 05:31 PM
Well, I'm hoping there's no little girl like this one in the group I would get to muderalize.
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03-28-2005 , 06:08 PM
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03-28-2005 , 09:14 PM
It's spread to the Tucker Max Message Board
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03-29-2005 , 07:45 AM
Yeah....just when I was starting to think that nothing of value could be added to this debate, Tucker & Co. get their hands on it. I haven't laughed at responses to this question since around reply 150 of this thread, but Tucker's thread has me laughing so hard I'm crying. Making it to Tucker's site like that is easily coolest part about this whole thing. I encourage everyone who still reads these replies to read Tron's link.

Oh yeah, while you're at it, Google "How many 5 year olds" and see how many replies link back to here.
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03-29-2005 , 08:01 AM
All of them. Please let this thread end.
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03-30-2005 , 03:11 AM
well, i think I could do 25 with a success rate of 80%, but I think it may be possible for me to KO 50 of them with a success rate of maybe 20%... I'm 26, 6', 145 lbs, 5% body fat, and have done hard physical labour since I was about 13, I have a very high pain threshold (I've had 1500 lb cows step on my bare feet, and a GF who bit my hand as hard as she could trying to get me to let go of my keys.. the key ring let go before I did.. here's my strategy

i would start by moving around a lot and picking random ones, I think I could KO about 4-6 per minute (KO = finished.. don't need to come back for them), though I'd probably be dealing a hit every 3-4 seconds. I would do above routine for about 3-5 minutes (I'm a heavy smoker), at which point I'd want to regain my breath.. at this point I'd let them get closer and I would problably deal a few good slaps which will nearly remove facial skin, or I will grab for the throat which would probably not require me to lean over enough to not lose my balance easily, I have strong forearms so I think I can get a KO in about 10 seconds with a good hold. the average kid will probably wiegh about 45 lbs, not a big deal, I worked on a farm and have had to do a lot of heavy lifting on tight deadlines, so lift a few, throw onto others, maybe swing 'em around once or twice, twist a couple necks here and there, and maybe I regain breath doing this enough to actually go jogging again. I do not think anyone could keep this up for longer than about an hour if they're in supreme shape, and remember that not every hit will be fatal. remember that if you get 4 of them pulling on each side of you the net effect is nil.. they aren't goung to be able to pull your arm off, though it could be hard to shake 4 on each arm, if you keep at least one hand free, I think you'd do OK.. i'm not all that concerned with biting, you'll be able to tell when they're going in for a bite at which you grab thier throat and throw them. if you were to get a weapon, i'd choose nunchucks (spelling?) they're complicated enough that the kids would be pretty worthless with them, strong enough you can do serious damage, also, they do not require huge amounts of energy to keep swinging unlike axes etc, a baton may work too, but the kids would be able to make better use of it... second use for nunchucks? great stranglerif I were to get any sort of defense, Leather chaps or just good fingerless gloves... Oh, I think I would want earplugs...

more to come later.. need sleep, sorry about typos, this K/b really sucks
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03-30-2005 , 03:22 AM
i really like that people have signed up just to post in this thread...

this thing kicks ass and has a life of its own.
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03-30-2005 , 08:45 AM
I'm amazed at some of the low estimates for the number of children a healthy adult male could take out. Only a handful would be able to attack at once, they're too weak to rely on brute force, and too stupid to be trained to use any strategy. Based on years of wrestling and horsing around with my little brothers, I'm confident that I could go on indefinitely until one of two things happens:

1) I become severely exhausted.

2) I break my right hand (presumably against one of the little bastards' skulls).

#2 is essentially random, so I won't factor it into the equation.

What about #1? Admittedly, I'm out of shape, but I figure the adrenaline rush I get from having to fend off hordes of bloodthirsty kindergarteners (not to mention all the fun I'll be having) should let me keep going for, say, 20-30 minutes. How many kids can I kill (excuse me: "render unconscious") in half an hour? Quite a lot, I believe. It's very hard to pick a number, though, since I'm just not sure how a melee like this would work; I think I could dispatch somewhere from 4-10 kids per minute. Therefore, given the 20-30 minutes I mentioned above. . .

Low estimate: 80-120 ---- High estimate: 200-300

So, somewhere between 80 and 300 -- inexact, to say the least, but that's hardly surprising given this sort of chaos.

Those number would shrink dramatically as the kids got older. If we're talking 8-year olds, I figure 12 or fewer could take me, exhaustion or no. By the time we hit 10-year olds, 4 might do the trick.
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03-30-2005 , 10:53 AM
OK, I was an advocate of being able to take out a huge number of these kids and I still am, but have rethought it a little bit. One of the stated rules is that you cannot touch the walls which i guess would end the contest. So let's say the walls are charged with roughly 450,000 volts of electricity and of course the kids are fearless with absolutely no regard for their own safety even in the face of seeing their five year old brethren being absolutely trashed one by one as they charge in. It is POSSIBLE that a huge wave of kids could maybe push you backwards and cause you to make contact with the aforementioned "shocker walls" (patent pending) and end the melee. I also think a good addition to this contest would be a pit of some kind in the middle of the gym with quicksand in it.
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03-30-2005 , 11:13 AM
This thread was amazing. But it is over. The last 100 posts have been pointless, mostly new posters say "ROFFLE thats hilarious I'll post something which has already been discussed THIS THREAD IS SO COOL". Nothing funny has been said.
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04-03-2005 , 02:43 AM
Having given this lots of thought. I work a job moving 40-60 lb crates all day long. Using that as a system of measurment, I'd imagine I could whoop ass on 5 year olds for about 6 hours straight before I'd need a breather. If I could knock out 1 per minute, that's 60 an hour, or 360 in my 6 hour 5-year old bashing shift. and that's a low estimate.

Goliath Cobalt
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04-04-2005 , 10:31 AM
This actually happened to me. I taught kindergarten for two years. One day I brought in a pack of Pokemon cards and told my class "who ever was tough enough to take me could have the cards" and tucked them in my pocket. Out of a class of 24, I took 22 of those little &**&#ers until one of them was smart enough to to get a pencil from his book bag and jam it in my eye. I was only out for a second or two but they got me for my cards, my watch and my wallet. That is the last time I teach at an all girls school.

Vinster the one eyed teacher
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04-04-2005 , 11:22 AM
This thread was amazing. But it is over. The last 100 posts have been pointless, mostly new posters say "ROFFLE thats hilarious I'll post something which has already been discussed THIS THREAD IS SO COOL". Nothing funny has been said.
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