He doesnt know this wife so by your definition she = rando.

He's applying his morals (read: trying to make suffer for violating his morals by sexing his GF) to the husband via telling the wife.

And the husband aint a random, he's the guy having sex with his GF.

Oh I meant morals in the sense of the obligation to tell someone who is being cheated on.

results?

It was funny reading all the mostly reasonable responses in this thread and then reading the OPs post about how after careful consideration he had decided to go with the crazy route. The "I don't want to make a big deal about it" was also great.

This might be difficult to do with hurt feelings and all that, but if I'm ever in this situation I would try to, for about a week, see how she would lie her way out of situations like flowers arriving at the house. I would be curious (especially if we were together for 3 years) to see how far she would go with the lies or if she would just confess. It would also probably lead to stories that I would find funny later on. It's also a cool story to tell down the road.

to your children. ducy?

My point was more that morals are a construct, and usually a selfish/self-serving one. Whether they have a place in the discussion of OP's response to this situation, or the debate over whether one is obligated to tell an unsuspecting spouse that their mate is cheating, needs to be defined imo. And imo the compromises we make in establishing the definition of "morals" for the sake of this conversation will most likely illustrate that they are a construct, one that might reflect our personal moralities, but does not contain any absolute truths. So I go back to "would I want to know"? And I vote yes.

The idea that one will destroy multiple lives through the act of thoughtfully communicating this information means they think a littttle too highly of themselves. Assuming OP's girlfriend-banger's wife is an adult, of course.

IDK that OP is morally obligated to do anything in this situation, but I'm pretty sure he's not morally obligated to do nothing wrt other guy's wife/family.

Bison / Clark -

Would be interested to hear your opinion about the above.

But the difference is that he HELPED you, whereas without knowing anything about their marriage you could be HURTING everyone.

Hey Bob -

I will first say that I am NOT necessarily in the tell the wife camp. Just playing devil's advocate here because I think this is a very tough/interesting question.

What about the example above where somebody witnessed a car crime and stuck around to tell the owner? I don't think many people would have a problem with that.

I definitely understand your point, though - there seems to be a line of involvement in here somewhere.

For example, if you were wife's best friend in this case, it seems like it would be more acceptable for you to tell the wife than it would be for some complete rando to tell her, as your Vegas example illustrates.

For OP, who is sort of involved here but doesn't know the wife, I think it's kind of in-between. Thoughts?

Agreed that is possible. As mentioned, I'm not necessarily in the "tell the wife" camp and this is a big reason why.

I would bet that most people in the "tell the wife" camp would respond to this with something akin to the husband is the one who is hurting the wife/family, not the person who brings it to light.

I mostly agree with everything you said and generally think it's in-between too for the reason you gave and am really not sure overall.

I just think the "she deserves to know" argument that some are leaning on is poor. That can't possibly be the sole reason for you to think this is okay to do because if you did then you would also be reporting any other stranger you could find.

So for that side to make any sense it needs to be "she deserves to know AND it's okay for me to tell her even though I don't know her because I was directly affected by the exact same actions that she was."

or...you can just throw in something about, "she deserve to know AND i really want to get revenge on the guy who boned my gf and this is my way of getting back at him."

And when you take it to either of those I think it becomes a bit clearer how lame it may be to tell the wife. But again...I'm not positive on that and am willing to be convinced otherwise.

I'm not a character from The Oregon Trail but my opinion is that OP is not married and does not have any kids, therefore his relationship is total meaningless bull****. He should thank this redneck for porking his circus freak of a -2 OOT Scale girlfriend in the back of his 91' Civic thereby preventing him from ever fathering children with her which would have then made his relationship with said circus freak actually relevant. The point is that OP should be thinking about doing things that can actually better his life from this point. Getting angry at the guy who was choking his soon too be exgirlfriend with a gigantic, likely misshaped redneck penis solves nothing. He would be better off inviting said redneck over for beers and asking for tips on how he can get ugly circus freaks into the back seat of his 94' Ford Escort. Also... News Flash... many married men get no pussy. Therefore, you should be more tolerant to them back-seating circus freaks and shipping but not suit-casing prostitutes, as this type of behavior is highly favorable to having yet another single mother collect food stamps and welfare in a period of ever expanding government credit in a disappointing under-performing economy.

so true

chickenkiev - there's just no way you can bone a fat girl in the back of a Honda Civic. Unpossible!!

There are all kinds of circus freaks, many of which are quite slender.

al the advice for OP was great except OP is not following the thread

Your questions imply a point that it is more than the "deserve to know", that there is a sprinkle of revenge in it. But man, you really could of make that point in a less ******ed way. Beggars in the streets, hungry kids in Africa "deserves" to eat but no, people are not individually shipping food over there. Same with criminals and cheats who "deserves" their knee caps broken, don't see individuals coming at them with baseball bats.

There are costs to individuals when they want to ensure what they think is fair to happen.

In this particular case, about telling the wife, there are costs too to telling, but that does not mean there is no benefit of feeling a sense of just. One would feel a sense of just in telling the wife.

Good work man. Let us know how it goes on Saturday!

I don't scour the shoreline looking for people drowning but if I see or hear someone stuck in the water I'll jump in to help them.

I would probably do nothing because I'm lazy but if someone got her real name and sent her a facebook message no I don't see how I could be critical of them.

wtf, OP is not posting in this thread nearly often enough.

Wow this thread really just keeps blowing up.

Sorry for the lack of updates, I really only have time to read and post at night after she is asleep.

Anyway. Time for an update.

Right now I have almost completely planned my move out. I have a place to store my stuff and I'll be staying with a buddy for a week or two until i can get a place of my own. I have a bunch of buddies(4-5) coming to help me out, so my stuff should be gone well before she comes home.

As far as notifying the wife goes. I found her on facebook and in the phonebook. I'll probably give her a call on saturday with the bad news and then send all the proof to her through facebook if she wants it.

With the facebook/email revenge thing... Like I said in my previous post, I'm really sitting on the fence on this. A part of me wants to destroy everything she owns but the other is telling me that I should be mature and just walk away. I think I'm going to talk it over with my buddies when they come help me move. The level of detail and scale I get into will be largely be dependent on this conversation.

Also, for clarification.

I have met this dude and his wife a couple times while I was out with my GF at walmart or whatever.

While I know this may not matter to most, I have read a few posts that said this would be a factor for their decision and thought I would put it out there.

Edit:
I thought I would mention, that I have decided that everything is going to go down on Saturday. Everything. After Saturday I want nothing to do with her and plan on never talking to her again.

Maybe if you smash out the back window, so she can get in?

Does Civic come with a hatchback version?

I don't know about calling... email from a new account seems best?

Bad idea, let it go. You're better off without her, no need to drag your name into the ground.

Are you still sexing her?