i've been doing cool things in my mind lately. its undetermined what using mushrooms did resulting in accelerating my learning curve, or gravitating to a new level. i could piece together the insanity in a way that could be understood, like moving parts to a machine, but i'm pretty sure that it is not yet a finished product so it doesn't matter all too much.

This sums up life decently well. Isn’t it about the journey not the destination?

Mushrooms definitely make things click in my brain that I never really considered before. And generally this stands the test of time / sober thought.

I think it gets parts of your brain to communicate that normally don’t. That’s a great thing; similar to unification of the mind from mindfulness. At least that’s part of what I’m working on.

Two emotions that seem correct to judge side-by-side, from during and after the trip, would be a kind of amplification of trauma, and then finding myself less attached to my emotions. It was like I was traversing back-channels in my brain, like the magic schoolbus, visiting, and nudging broken neurons, while also experiencing a full-blown feeling of disorder, a kind of intensity you can only understand if you've taken a high dose of psychedelics. my voice was like, actually thinking, "this is worse than mental illness, this is traumatic, this is very difficult" as the trip went on.

I was foggy for about a day following, felt a build-up of cerebral energy and wasn't sure where that was heading. i've previously felt afterglows for ~2 weeks, this time i had a reduction in headaches, and a sense that i am more of the director to my thoughts and not unpleasantly impacted by them as if i was tied-in a bit too close before.

I think my creative sense is a bit more dynamic. A result of the mushrooms? i don't know.... moving through a thought, ideally rationale is the driver, but looking out of the car windows im kind of seeing, kind of feeling odd patterns and diagrams which have no apparent meaning by themselves but are telling a story that makes sense to me.

How long ago was this last trip?

a month prior

It's been almost two months since my "brush with ego death."

Tripped once since then in a festival setting, but that was 3 weeks ago. Tolerance should have been approaching fresh.

The ego death experience from June was unsettling, but .... but ... but it was my reaction to it that ****ed with me. The fear was unexpected. Why? Where had it come from? My panic troubled me. I was ashamed of my reaction.

This morning I consumed 30 mcg of 4-Aco and 60 mg of LSD. My 43rd birthday was two days ago. I just read Fadiman's "The Psychadelic Explorer's Guide."

Yesterday, preparing, I wrote some notes for myself, ideas. Reminders. On the back of library catalog cards, I typed:

"Accept what comes. Observe."

"Allow the energy to radiate."

"This has all happened before."

"You are complete and enough. Your worry is not serving you."

"Let go."

Two other cards were longer.

"I want to feel less attachment -- to this body, idea of myself; everything."

"I want to accept that it is not possible to be alone because all beings are the same energy."

Shortly after consuming the drugs, I edited the last two cards. Maybe 15 minutes after. I scratched out the "I want" and made the sentences directives.

"Accept that it is not possible to be alone because all beings are the same energy."

I started out doing some yoga. Stretching, moving, breathing, being present. Once I could feel things starting to happen, I moved pretty quickly to the bed. I spent almost no time outside in nature, during the heavy part of the trip. This was very much intended to be an internal experience---maybe not picking up where I left off, but I wanted to see again what there was to see.

So it's happening. I can feel the wall break down between thinking the thoughts and the thoughts. They're there. I observe.

Now there is a voice. Not sound, but ... words, internally. The are very much like the words I wrote down. Where do they come from?

Here is, early on, probably THE big takeaway from this trip.

I listen to the voice, the words. I accept that they are distinct from Sapo. They are distinct and they are legitimate. They are coming from my mind, but they are not coming from "Sapo."

I've heard these words before. I have doubted them. Doubted. Still do. The voice says the things I know are true, the things I say but don't know if I believe, even if I know they are true.

How can you know something is true, but not believe it?

Some time passes, and I look at the card.

"Accept that it is not possible to be alone because all beings are the same energy."

All beings are the same energy. I know this is true. But do I believe it?

How to describe the leap which happens?

"You are complete and enough."

Am I? What does that mean? Am I enough? I wrote the words. Are they true? Am I enough?

Oh the joy, the absurdity. Does the voice say it? Or just show me?

For a moment I glimpse it--all beings, the same energy. The same love. That's all we are. The energy.

Consciousness is a trick. A cruel miracle.

I sob. Sapo sobs. Do I? Where am I?

Sapo sobs a half cry but there is more and ... do I encourage Sapo? Who is I? ... Sapo is encouraged to let out more and there is heaving and a gasp of emotion and tears and another sob.

That is happening over there, now. Sapo is there, and there is compassion for him. He is ... young? Exuberant? Naive?

Now the conversation continues. Or is it a conversation? How many voices? One, I think.

That's the trick. The beauty and terribleness of consciousness. You spend your life asking, wondering, worrying, "Am I enough?"

The question is a glorious, gaping wound that exposes all.
An absurd question.

You are enough--always--not because you are, but because you're not.
Your consciousness, human consciousness, allows you to mindfully experience love. Which is wonderful. But it also keeps you from seeing that you ARE the love. The question of being "enough" is a trick of consciousness.

Imagine being overjoyed at finding a cup of water. Imagine making camp by the banks of a stream. Living atop a massive reservoir. .... all of these metaphors miss the point. You are the water.

The thing Sapo struggles to find and hold is the very thing he is.
Is there any wonder he is exhausted?

Those were the realizations from my trip. Kind of told, as they happened.

Sapo was still over "there" in some ways. Recovering. A good cry can do that. But things were still happening. ... I was being shown the energy, the love, the access.

I could dip back in and feel it--physical vibrations. But not as intense as in previous trips. I was observing it this time, but as if I was being guided. As if the voice brought me to the internal river to bathe in the energy, and when it was too much I would step out, and then dip back in, as I wanted, to experience it.

Hours passed ... I biked into town, I wanted to be around people and to eat, but I was mostly quiet and observing.

So here I am now. 12 hours since starting the trip.

I do not feel euphoric.
I do not feel enlightened.
I feel heavy.

The voice I heard, which is mine and not mine, is real. The love is there. The love is always there, but so much of our perception makes accessing it difficult. This seems cruel.

Sapo ... all of us, but I only know him ... he has so many scars and filters that keep him from directly accessing that energy that he Is. On the one hand, I feel reassurance--it's there and it can't ever not be there. But there is no easy way to the source.

Awesome post man, thanks for sharing. Interesting perspective!

Day after ...

The perception of Sapo as "young" appeared in both trips. But not really in terms of age, so much as exuberance and naivety. The flip side of this was the presence of an elder, which I have read others experiencing.

Substance-wise, I didn't re-create the June experience exactly. I still think the edibles dosage is what triggered the unexpected dissociation a couple of months ago. Obviously this time I went in looking for that experience and found it ... in some ways my lack of surprise or shock stands out to me.

Writing notes ahead of time was a huge help. Would definitely recommend for others considering similar explorations, particularly if like me you are doing this solo.

I think I truncated the experience--there was probably much more time to get back down in there, but the realizations hit hard and left me oddly stuck back in the "real" world. I think doing this in a guided setting, there would be a much different reintegration process.

Music: I downloaded some music in advance. I'd read Brahm's Requiem is often used, but when I listened (day before) it felt too dark. I wound up going with a random "mushroom tripping" playlist off Spotify that felt like it had the right "lightness" to it.

I wonder how the experience would have been different ... probably listened to the music the first 90 minutes, all thru the major experience.

It's worth noting that in the weeks following my "bad trip," I did yoga multiple times a week, and worked on being present. As I mentioned before, (I think), I was sort of troubled that these good results seemed to come from a what I experienced as a negative event. ... I am wondering what, if anything, could shift now.

Thanks for the reports Sapo. You're an icon for this. I could really use a soul cleansing and do some researching.

Few questions about tripping.

Does a larger dose usually lead to a more profound medicinal effect?

Is there purpose in taking an overwhelming dose of mushrooms? My guess is yes, but maybe not for all psychedelics.

I'm tempted to blast off again, and while I was never not in control, and although it felt like there was something worthwhile there, the previous time was uncomfortable and felt like too much. Agonizing about ending the experience seems defeating, yet I believe there was something worthwhile to understand and it's tempting me to dive headfirst again.

Some of it is based on a fear that a lower dose will not be as beneficial.

I think it's more about finding "your" dosage, and it's different for everyone. I've eaten a quarter of shrooms before, but the effects were no more intense or enjoyable than when I ingested half an eighth (although it did last a lot longer). I've gone heavy on 5+ tabs of acid, but in the end 2 tabs was my Goldilocks dose. But, I also have friends whose "normal dose" is double or triple what I prefer to consume.

I too find myself in trepidation of losing total control; I prefer to retain a semblance of a handle on things. I find that discomfort of losing control to negatively affect the trip overall, so I don't think an "overwhelming dose" would have much for me. It doesn't sound like you would enjoy it either.

I don't think so. And in Fadiman's The Psychedelic Explorer's Guide, he talked about how too-high a dose can mean you don't understand or remember the experience.

It seems to me, from my experience, there is some needed floor/bottom dose to initiate a state where you are prone/able to have the effect. Micro-dosing wont do it, for instance.

But I also think the "profound" part comes more from the work you do once you're there.

The "control" part is interesting. That, I think, is what triggered my anxious experience a couple of months back (wanting/trying to remain in control). The preparation I put into the second, recent trip, REALLY helped--both in the experience and in helping me get past some fears that I would have another bad trip.

Presently engaged in first cannabis consumption in 3 days. I haven't been what I would consider high/stoned in almost 6 weeks. Tough life

I would say this qualifies.

Been trying to consume a little less cannabis, mostly for financial reasons ... went back to using my Pax more often.

Can't remember the last time I blasted off on just weed. Mostly just keeps me mellow.

No recent research for me. Been reading more on psychadelics but am in no hurry to trip again. I am always surprised, given my propensity to overindulge, how acid and mushrooms do not take hold like that.

I want to go up to Toronto and check out the legal scene there, in particular to hunt down bud by The Green Organic Dutchman (own some of their stock). Any 2+2ers in that area see it in stores?

But lol @ the price, it's like $20US/gram. ... I'm smoking sour diesel right now I got for less than $8.

Yeah, psychedelic research is pretty self regulating in that regards. Id like to have a light acid trip, its been well over a year at this point.

researching some lsd today - first time taking it in over a year and also first time taking it with a so. may write a trip report later. any music suggestions?

[Posting while high]Started reading this thread recently and I can really relate lol. I didn't experiment at all with drugs in high school and college. Alcohol was the only thing I tried. Now after years of marriage and 2 kids wife got me into it with edibles. Now I'm usually popping an edible or using my vape pen after the kids go to bed. I will follow up with my first experiences doing certain things high. Watching TV, walking, sex, socializing etc. Anyways, it's Sunday at 1pm and I'm high AF. Back from short staycation, kids are watching TV wife watching anime. Today decided that I wanted to tackle the hard question of which team I want to join at my new job, and going to try make that decision while I'm high.

Lol, its Monday brother!

Just read this part of the thread while high af. LOL

Oh man, Ive been thinking about that cake. It was so damn good.

How goes the journey?

ripping dabs gets me hornier and intensifies the feeling/makes sex feel so much better than sober

I wish I could describe it. was the strongest acid/drug I've ever taken, save dmt. tbh I always forget how hard acid kicks my ass - we had a plan to walk the beach and then chill at the pool for a while but we made it 5 minutes down the beach before we both decided we needed to head back before **** got crazy.

and **** did get crazy. past lsd trips I've done a lot of contemplation about my life and tried to work through a lot of emotional trauma type stuff - but I always had a hard time feeling emotions. this time I wasn't having conscious thought about any of that - but all of the emotions/trauma/anxiety flooded my system. it was like my body was trying to catch up on all the emotional processing that my mind had done. had a lot of anxiety throughout the trip, but it felt.. kind of cleansing. when I was trying to fight the anxiety and keep control of my thoughts it got worse, but when I accepted what I was feeling and just let myself experience it I slowly came around to feeling at peace.

the connection I felt with my boyfriend was... spiritual? I'm not spiritual in any way - I've kind've hated the idea of anything remotely religious or spiritual since getting out of the evangelical cult. and tbh I always thought people were exaggerating or bullshitting about feeling a connection to someone that... isn't physical or emotional but different. we were communicating on a different level. i hate to sound so cliche, but for hours I honestly didn't know whose body was mine. it just felt like we were one person - feeling the same sensations and emotions and even having the same thoughts.

we spent ~5 hours laughing/crying/experiencing every possible emotion in each others arms. we put on Fruta by Caloncho (highly recommend) and listened to it on repeat maaaany times - mostly because we were both too ****ed up to change it. there were moments when I didn't even know if I was laughing or crying, it just felt like my body needed to release emotion. it was euphoric, but not in a blissful-mdma-everything-is-ok kind of euphoric. it felt more... real? that's not the right word. it was euphoric while still being anxiety-ridden and terrifying at times.

will try to describe a bit better when I'm fully awake. need to eat/smoke/maybe sleep more. for sure that was the most intense experience of my life

Great report.

There are therapists who recommend occasional tripping for couples. Sounds amazing.