I was actually going to start a thread about this. I've been doing some reading on it. I'm terrified to take any sort of drugs other than smoking pot, but it seems promising.

I've tried therapy once and it didn't really help. Never tried meds and I don't see the point as it's artificial and not a long term solution. Exercise helps somewhat but weight lifting also gives me a different type of anxiety and changes my personality completely. I appreciate your encouragement but I just don't see it. People have never come up to and conversed with me and there has to be a reason why- there's just so much wrong with me. I've always been shy too so it's difficult for me to initiate a conversation.

I fin my escape through hobbies like sports, music, television and poker. Without those mediums idk what I would do.

So I've been manic high/ normalized for a month, and I started slipping this past week. It's the same things Everytime. Its hard just to build up the motivation to even get in the shower for 5 mins, not cooking dinner, laying in bed or sitting on the couch after work just staring at the walls, obsessive thinking, and wanting to sleep constantly.
It started this past Saturday/Sunday and at first I was really trying hard to push through it. I made myself go to the gym on Monday and be active at work, but I've slipped too far now for sheer willpower to work. I've been sleeping in my car or going home during lunch to sleep instead of walking, I've been going home to sleep for 45mins and waiting till the daycare is closing before I pick up my daughter, it's been hard to get up from my desk at work, I can't focus, it takes every bit of will power I have to take a shower.
I'm also incredibly anxious about work. I was manic high and super focused. When I'm manic high, it's like I have a super powerful brain and I can hyper focus, and solve things quickly, and learn things incredibly fast, and like I'm operating at 200%. Everyone at work has seen me like this for the past month; I can see a clear difference in how people approach and react to me when I'm like this. The engineering manager has been asking for my input on some things, I tell him what I think, and he responds by saying ok that's what we will do. I've just been taken back and thinking "why is he just trusting my judgment and not questioning me?". Now I'm anxious that I've built up a new repor and as soon as I've hit the bottom of the pit again it will look like I'm slacking and everyone's confidence will dwindle.
I can feel it happening Everytime! I've got to find a way, there has to be a way, to stop slipping. I've seen light for the first time in two years and I felt like I had my mind back and my brain power back for the first time. I had so much hope that it was over

Meds can be part of the long-term solution for depression in the same way that medication can be part of the long-term solution for diabetes.

Maybe you need to view this as a condition to be managed and not a sickness to be cured.

You should continue to try therapists until you find an effective one.
Smile. Make eye contact. Be polite. Ask questions.
Enthusiasm towards hobbies is positive. You can turn some of these hobbies into social activities.

Personally, it took a long time of trail and error but I think I finally have the right combination of medication. It took 4 different doctors over the course of many years. The guy I see now is a neurologist, as opposed to the traditional psychiatrist. I don't know if the fact that he's a neurologist that makes him a "better" doctor or if it's just a coincidence, but for anyone having trouble/not happy with their current doc, maybe look into this type of specialist. I also see a counselor regularly which I find helps.

As for Kratom (someone mentioned earlier) I would say be careful. Like any medication (herbal or otherwise) there are pros and cons. It def does help elevate mood and can be helpful if taken in moderation. The down-side... just like opiates, if taken regularly over a long enough period of time there will be a withdrawal syndrome when you stop. I don't know how this withdrawal compares to the traditional "dope sickness" but I really wouldn't want to find out. Also there is potential for abuse, if you have that type of personality... I know I do.

Meds can be a part of a long term solution. If this is a simple matter of body chemistry, don't you want to take care of it? And you may not need to take them forever either. It's possible you may need a reset and thn your doctor may approve of you stopping them on a trial basis. Or you may need to take them forever. I am amazed at the difference when I'm medication...not just in terms of feeling better, but in terms of my clarity of thought and ability to manage my thoughts.

Also, trying therapy "once" is not a reason to rule it out forever. Therapists vary widely in their effectiveness and even an otherwise competent therapist may not be the right fit for you.

Again, THE HOPELESSNESS IS THE DEPRESSION TALKING. IT IS TELLING YOU THAT NOTHING WILL HELP. THIS IS NOT NECESSARILY AND NOT EVEN LIKELY TO BE TRUE.

Even if you can't believe that anything will help, ask yourself this, if there's only a 1% chance it will work, that you'll feel better, function better, maybe meet someone to spend your life with, isn't that 1% chance worth trying anything? What do you have to lose?

Exactly! You cannot see yourself as you are, the disease makes you see the world and yourself just negative, black, dark! I know it´s super hard to get some self-esteem and not to hate yourself but with the help of a good therapist you really can improve!

And unfortunately it takes some time until the right med and the right therapist is found. I had about 4 Psychiatrists too. The first one gave me a totally wrong diagnosis because I was so young when I sick the first time and back then it was believed that depression is mainly affecting adults 25 plus.

The causes of depression are very divers. Some are indeed low in Serotonine but others too high in Cortisol and also a mutation which silences the gene for BDNF (brain derived neurotrophic factor) which promotes formation of new neuron-connections, can be the cause of the illness. This is just from the biochemical perspective.

It´s always a combo between stressful life events and genes (vulnerability-stress-model).

So it´s hard to find the right treatment right away. It´s very often a trial-and-error and there are many bad therapists. It´s important to choose one who is specialized on MDD and the cognitive behavioural therapy.

I tell you what: I had 8 (Yes, E-I-G-H-T!) depressive episodes, 4 therapists, was diagnosed twice wrong and tried a bunch of meds which didn´t work, I almost died at the age of 19 from a su*** - attempt - BUT: A couple of years ago I found the right doctor and the right treatment for me. And you know what? Since I´ve been taking the right med and having the right Psychiatrist, I have had a completely new quality of life!!!!!! About 4 years ago I was reborn!!

I spent too many years of my life in darkness and anxiety! Too many years!

So go and get help NOW!

At least TRY IT! Even though you don´t believe that it can get better, even though you lost your hope, you can TRY? Can´t you? You don´t have anything to loose if you try it, right? But if you don´t you can loose YOUR LIFE!!!!!


NEVER GIVE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

P.S. I´m not native English speaker - so if you find a mistake, you can keep it!

Same here ...

... until I somehow found one. Eventually you will too and it may well make a huge difference to everything.

Or the eventual break-up can lead to a downward spiral where you are worse than ever.

I've noticed that the concept of meeting a significant other is something people don't like to wave in front of people with depression as a solution. I guess, because it can't be forced, but yeah, it can definitely change everything. A lot of people with clinical depression are just lonely AF. The crappy thing is that they're usually in the worst mindset and/or life situation (try getting a GF without a car/job) to change that.

Curious how people’s depression has changed over time, say a decade or more. Personally speaking I’ve evolved greatly and have the “toolbox” people in psych wards speak about compiling.

Am I any less depressed? Probably not.
Is it much easier? Yes.

While I never found a therapist that worked for me, I did adopt the CBT principles and they have helped how I get along with others.

I gave notice to my landlady today. It's 45 days worth of notice, and she started whining anyway.

A few years ago I would probably have let loose on her and escalated a tense situation.

But I measured my response, made myself 'speak a script' rather than give in to my anger.

It worked well.

Like Tuma said, I don't know if I'm less depressed. I'm a severely chronic case from childhood.

But plotting out situations like they were poker hands (sorry for the reference) keeps my emotions in check. "This is her ****, her problem, if I take this bait I'll feel like **** for days over it. I'm just going to calmly state my case."

CBT concepts help me alot.

Note that therapists have called me BPD and "the most rapid cycler I have ever seen" so God knows what's actually my issue. I'm just pretty ****ed up.

I just started taking some Paxil I was prescribed like 3-4 months ago, I only took it 3 days because the sedative side effects were making work really difficult. Gonna commit this time. Don't have high hopes though, have had nothing but bad luck with other SSRIS over the past 8 years or so.

I feel like there probably is a drug or combo that will help me out there, but it's unfortunate how expensive it can be to experiment. I've been just using GPs and appointments really sting at $130 a pop. I've actually avoided psychiatrists because they appeared to be over $200 a visit. I'm sure I'd get better treatment, but I figure it's not sustainable, so why even start? I wish mental health drugs were OTC and I could at least wet my feet without paying for expensive appointments.

I had a similar response to Paxil.

Do you have anxiety? If you don't, you might try Wellbutrin. It can actually have an energizing effect and is available in a generic so it's pretty inexpensive. It's not an SSRI.

Wellbutrin is amazing! There are no side affects for me other than having a lot of energy and maybe getting a little irritated at times. I believe it may affect blood pressure, I normally have a very very low blood pressure (I get dizzy most of the time when I stand) and after I started taking Welbutrin my blood pressure is almost perfect @122/79. I have more energy, buy my heart rate hasn't been elevated. There is no uncontrollable shaking, no blurry vision, and no sedative affects at all like the other meds I've tried. It has really done wonders for me the past couple of months. It apparently hasn't stopped my bipolar from cycling, but it has helped me not go so far down into depression and helped me get out of a depressed state when I first started taking it. It is also very inexpensive and can/will be prescribed by a family doctor. I've found that you can get an appointment with a family doctor for $45-$75 most places if you don't have insurance or have a high deductible.

Yes, social and generalized. I took Wellbutrin already for 2 or 3 months, did not help at all. I actually took that because I had a suspicion that my depression isn't unipolar, and Wellbutrin is the easiest thing to take that treats bipolar depression. I was asking my GP about Lithium, and she was telling me I'd need a blood test every month. So, I didn't do that. Testing is stupid expensive.

Honestly, I'm still unsure which umbrella of depression I fall under. I tick all depression symptoms. The manic symptoms that differentiate the 2 seem so general that I'd think everyone with unipolar depression experiences those symptoms from time to time. Like, having a high sex drive, or insomnia, or feeling super confident uncharacteristically for short periods.

Not in my experience, the cash price at the last 2 GPs I went to were $130 and $140. Even an appointment at an Urgent Care facility with a Physician's Assistant will run you $100, and they're not gonna prescribe you psych drugs.

I don't understand the argument against medication along the lines of "why bother, it's artificial and not a long term solution". Would you say the same thing if you had type I diabetes? "

Meh not interested in insulin, it's artificial and not a long term solution."

i don't think there is too much meaning* in trying to differentiate. the varied inputs that produce depressed brains, overlapping and ancient treatments (SSRI, etc.), and the DSM being terrible - it's very incomplete.

i think all mood disorders are more similar than different. i also don't see why a depressed person wouldn't get fed up and become reckless/"bipolar" at some point.

* - only natural to have an infinite curiosity of one's own mental state when it is deemed 'incorrect' though.

SSRIs (I've taken like 4 or 5 now) are not proven to treat bipolar depression though. If you have bipolar depression, mood stabilizers are the most common treatment.

Hi Walt,

Just want you to know you're not the only one who feels this way. Some people like me can fake it at social gatherings, but my first instinct is "how can I get out of this?'. Everyone is nice enough but I'm always feeling very uncomfortable and will only attend that which I can't weasel my way out of.

The point for continuing is YOU, continuing for yourself. Life is worth living even while battling these feelings. A warm sunny breeze in the morning is a reason to get up. So is walking on a beach, a freshly brewed cup of coffee or a good book. Not to mention shiat like flopping set.

You're not alone even though sometimes isolation is something we strive for.

PS I don't think you're ugly, neither inside nor out.

Not only in bipolar depression, also in recurrent major depressive disorder mood stabilizers can be a good solution.

By the way: Paxil was my first antidepressant ever, I got it prescribed when it was new on the market (90ties). I experienced SSRI-induced mania and had to stop it.

*sorry double*