I am struggling this week. My brother and father left town last Tuesday afternoon and I have spiraled down ever since. Everything feels like too much effort, and terribly pointless. I feel like a failure. I am getting through the days by making a list every night of what I need to do the next day and checking the items off one by one. It even includes daily/every other day things like "run dishwasher" "scoop cat litter" "open mail" and vital things like "grocery shopping" "pay rent".

It's so embarrassing to be functioning at this level as an adult. I added "walk in the park" to tomorrow's list to get some fresh air and exercise. Fortunately I've had appointments on several days (met my college roommate for coffee, had a therapist visit, met with my case manager) so I haven't been able to stagnate in the apartment for days at a time. Today I recycled my glass jars just for somewhere to go.

Positives: have been eating healthfully, apartment isn't a mess, made all my appointments despite just wanting to stay in bed,

Negatives: missed a day of meds (thyroid, not anti-psychotic) due to not filling the prescription (which precipitated the list method), feeling sorry for myself, unable to enjoy anything, sleep schedule which I had made great progress with is all messed up again

I give myself a C-. It would be a B-, but missing a day's medication is at LEAST a letter grade downgrade.

Be nicer to yourself!

I don't know...... I was depressed in the past and I would say that writing down a to-do list and being able to check-off 50% on it is a HUGE deal. I wouldn't call it embarrassing, I would call it pretty well organized. I am right now not depressed and I put pretty explicitly chores on my to-do list.

And to your negatives..... The only point in negatives that is really negative is missing meds. And about the not enjoying anything and feeling sorry for yourself. This are things that are outside of your control, so you mustn't put them on the negative list. Important is not to act on this feelings, to see at least on the rational level that there are plenty of people worse-off than you are and still do things/activities even if you don't enjoy them.

And I mean..... You know everything I can write to you. You are smart, insightful and pleasure to interact with.

Thank you lapka.

I'm really trying not to give in this time. It's so easy to make excuses and just stop functioning. And, objectively, I know that I'm pretty well off in the grand scheme of things. Especially in the past few weeks, when misfortune just seems to be everywhere. It's like every morning there's a new group of people who would give anything to have my problems...or to have their loved ones alive to have my problems.

I just wish I could FEEL it inside. All I feel is exhausted and empty. And now I'm going to stop whining. It helps to "talk" about it.

I've been avoiding this thread as I went through a bad period recently, thankfully feeling heaps better now! Saw VR had posted so popped in for a look I agree with Lapka, definitely don't beat yourself up. The fact that you are making lists and doing stuff when you aren't feeling right is huge imo. I do exactly the same thing and depending how bad I am feeling I will do it in 2 ways. If I am feeling lowest of low it will be the most basic list you have ever seen.

Shower/dress
walk dogs/harass bf to walk dogs
work
Cook dinner
clean kitchen (the basics as in fill dw and wipe the benches)

If I am feeling depressed but feel like I could possibly get a bit more done I make a list and grade it

Absolutely have to do
Be nice if it got done
Consider doing?
Doesn't really matter

That way I should get done the absolutes and if I mark off any of the others I feel good about myself but if I don't I'm not overly bothered and then I can add them to the list the next day if needed, so theoretically they should eventually get done

Personally I like lists anyway. I feel like I get more done if I make a list and mark things off throughout the day instead of just winging it. I hope you are feeling better soon. I think you are doing really well getting yourself out and about when you are feeling so rubbish.

Don't be embarrassed plenty of people are like that even without depression - it's pretty much my natural state too.

It works out though - at home I do what my wife tells me (she's got used to the idea that she needs to tell me what to do or things don't get done) - but at work things often get put off and I need to make lists like that - including regular recurring ones. I was lucky enough to have an employee with OCD who would just tidy the mess in my office without asking permission but she's graduated and left town so I will probably hire someone at least to keep the place looking tidy. What I really need is to hire someone to be my boss and make me do stuff at work too like my wife does at home.

About the general topic - one thing not mentioned much is that getting into a relationship is really difficult but it can often make a big difference - though like with everything mentioned in this thread it will only work for some people.

You can "whine" as much as you want, but don´t give in! This to-do-list is a great idea and if you give in, you make it worse! My Psychiatrist says that many of his depressed patients (me included) want to work, want to go on their daily life because it does good. Even though you´re sick it´s still possible to be a little bit "proud" of the goals you completed that day.

As for your problems: Depression is serious.

I recommend you to go and see your doctor/therapist.

The to-do list is great for people who are indecisive and feeling overwhelmed. When I had a daily to-do list I was at my happiest.

not the same, but goes hand in hand, 100 %

Yes! Low self-esteem is a symptom of depression but low self-esteem alone doesn´t mean that you are depressed. For the diagnosis of clinical depression you have to meet about 5 diagnosis criteria and your symptoms have to persist for at least 14 days (ICD-10, DSM-V).

Because I got sick at very young age I never got the chance to develop a healthy self-esteem. First episode at age 17, second at 19, third at 22.....

VR,

You aren't whining. Articulating how we feel helps.

As a Synthroid taker myself, I don't have to tell you, that's a bad med to miss for a day. Really makes your system crash.

Hope you have it filled!

So I don't know if you guys are self employed or have real jobs but how do you deal with work?

I've always been self employed starting with poker. I don't do that anymore, but I guess with poker in this state I could kind of auto pilot. I"m at a point though where I haven't been making money for a while and can't even auto pilot because I don't know what I'm doing. I kind of realize I have to figure **** out on my own, I can't seek advice on random forums, and I'm not great at networking and the stuff I'm doing now kind of has same "poker is dead" vibe, where glory days are behind even though it's still possible. Don't even know how to ask for help though.

I soon have to withdraw from retirement fund to support myself, it's kind of funny because I'm in best shape of my life, I've built up a social life where I'm doing something almost every day. Feel I'm like doing everything I can to get the ship right, but I'm in a huge ****ing hole that seems insurmountable. Feels even when I'm doing something to relax I'm in a house that's burning down and constant state of stress. I made lost money last year so I can't get a lease. I have to go from sublet to sublet which is stressful as **** having to look for apartment every month.

But anyways, even with work, in my current state of depression I just can't be productive. Like simple tasks that used to take me 20 minutes could eat up the entire day as I procrastinate and can't focus for more than 20 seconds at a time. I feel everything I do is half assed just to do it. I'm setting my goals pretty high since I want to make a lot of money really quick so I can get a place and as a result failing even more. I really have no confidence that I'll get out of this no matter how hard I try. I just want to get to a point where I can relax

Money is the wrong focus point. I would focus on stable living situation. If you read here and in the house of blogs, you can find a bunch of alternative housing. ("living off-grid") How about becoming a room mate? I am not from USA, so I don't know which community resources you can tap. But I would scale down the expectations on a quality and size of housing and try to get something small and stable. That would reduce stress and free some time for other things.

I completely agree with you, but I need money to get stable living situation, and probably need stable living situation to focus more on making money.

I just put a bunch of effort into developing social circles/hobbies and think living off the grid and isolating myself would make it worse... not to mention it's something I would absolutely hate.

I think I'd be ok with with a roommate if I knew them, but finding a rando off CL could make life worse.

kjmr: I´m self-employed too, not as pokerpro but as writer. I could manage work while I was an employee too but the thing is that I´m just no team player (which has nothing to do with depression but personality). During episodes I can switch to a kind of "autopilot" ("unconcious competence") and do my work kind of....... like a robot.....besides, depression doesn´t affect my creativity in a negative way. Work does me good. That´s why it is recommended to keep working as long as you´re not severly depressed, even though concentration suffers a bit during an episode.

The constant state of stress comes from an abnormal high level of Cortisol in your blood. Depression is not always a result of low Serotonin but often due to high Cortisol-levels.

kjmr, have you considered taking a minimum wage job or slightly above to show income coming in and help you qualify for a place to live?

In 2015 I worked at Taco Bell because that was all I felt that I could handle at the time. I worked about 30 hours per week, and made enough to reassure the private landlord that I applied with that I could make the (admittedly small) rent on the room she had available. Also, having some place to get up and go each day was helpful for me.

I realize for someone who has always been self-employed this is probably the last thing you want to do, but moving every month or every few months must be exhausting.

Also, depending very much on your community, if you actually are diagnosed with a severe depression or mental illness, you may qualify for support in finding a place to live or work. PM me if you would like to hear about some of my experiences with the public mental health system.

article on exercise and depression that seems relevant: https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/319607.php

I'm fighting back against mine by maybe starting a mini podcast. A nice schedule with a partner and an outlet will do me good. 1 episode down. Bajillion to go.

The whole it could be worse thing never makes me feel any better. Actually it makes me feel worse. So some people in africa are starving to death and miserable, that doesnt make my current state any less miserable. Just means theres a whole lot of misery in this world.

spino: Agree! When I´m sick I already have more than enough negative thoughts, I don´t need even more negative thoughts, but everybody has his own way to cope.

Stoics advocate taking time each morning to imagine if your own life had gone worse. Sounds more practical than saying to yourself 'brace up, other people have it real rough and you don't see them crying about it'

anyone have any experience with micro-dosing either lsd or psilocybin?

No, but there´s indeed reseach going on with psylocibin as antidepressant medication.

I have only experience with an "angel dust"-derivate. I take Lamotrigine which is chemically related to PCP ("angel dust").

But it´s getting on my nerves!!!!!!! Shortly after I take my med my ultra-short-term-memory as well as my vision are impaired!!! Stupid pills!!

By the way: Anyone experience with agomelatine (Valdoxan)? This is what is "waiting for me" if I relapse. Eeeeeeew! Only the thought of an antidepressant makes me p*ke!

I've suffered from severe social anxiety, depression and countless other mental problems for as long as I can remember. Reading some of these posts shocks me and I'm jeoulous because I've never had a girlfriend, barely any friends and am ugly. I really hate myself and avoid any interaction and big social gatherings like it's my job. I've actually programmed myself to hate most people and love/feel comfortable being isolated. Don't really see any point in continuing other than to not hurt my close family and let them down.

This is a dangerous mindset to be in.

Please believe that it's unlikely you're evaluating yourself correctly. The depression is like a lens that you see everything through...the world, your friends, yourself. You feel ugly and antisocial because you are depressed!

Depression can be every bit as fatal as any other severe illness if you lose your will to live. Please get help right away. Do you have a therapist? A family doctor? Are you taking any anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds? Do you have anyone to talk to?