Double house whiskey and a bud light was always my go to. Drink the whiskey with half the beer and order another double shot. Hit that one hard, finish my beer and I was ready to start my day.

The correct answer is:

OP I enjoyed your stories but it feels like your trying too hard to be like Hank Moody with your writing style.

STFU and know your role jabroni.

You're trying too hard to nit up this thread.

OP is awesome so you can GTFO and not come back.

Nobody can try too hard to be Hank Moody anyhow. Hank Moody is the perfect man.

PREACH BROTHER PREACH.

This.

This is pretty ****ing gangster. Variations on the theme are fine. Find your beer shot combo and tailor the order to your tolerance.

Went home with these two roommates. Drunk. Watching a movie. All laid out on the floor. Roommate passes out and I'm making out with the big tits. Huge tits. Plus size lingerie model. Pro grade. We get completely naked. I'm about to put it in and the phone rings. She answers it. She's talking, talking. I light up a smoke, keep drinking. She's looking at me.

Okay, **** it. I put out my smoke and start pumping this broad. She's taking it like nothing is happening. I'm mauling these huge tits pumping away. I start trying to wake the roommate up. I'm rubbing her leg with mine. She's not stirring.

Home girl, finishes her conversation, hangs up the phone, and pulls me in. I lose it.

Roll off smoking, looking for a roach, and she asks me, "you keep ****ing me while my pastor is on the phone?"

My initial response (internal) was wat the **** is your pastor doing calling you at 3 am on a Saturday morn.. My external response was, I can't remember what I said. Her tits were so huge.

Wow, her tits were huge like basketballs. Bigger than I;ve ever laid my hands on and probably the biggest I'll ever get for free. Wow.

I took her out for dinner years later but she wouldn't hook it up. I even had her in a bathroom of my hotel room. She called her brother and left. I jerked off too soft core hotel porn.

The roommate, getting drunk with her a million years later was talking about me ****ing, said it was so hot watching. I asked, why didn't you join in...

You kept kicking me

These are confusing times. Times of confusion. Confusion without time. Times of confused people with confused ideas about time. Time. Time is confusing. Confusion is confusing.

But, if you drink enough. If you can just keep drinking and find a horny girl who wants to keep drinking too... suddenly things aren't confusing anymore. You might lose some money. You might wake up confused.

But somehwrer in there you are going to get a big phat pussy smashed in your face and you won't be confused anymore.

All your fears about the future about anything will wash away, you'll float with the essence and understand what it trukly means to be alive.

the oyster

wow

thanks bros!

writing kind of reminds me of https://delicioustacos.com/ when he was still doing drugs

Thank you.

I'm not familiar with Hank Moody.

My approach to writing is get really drunk, listen to music, and type until something makes me laugh.

Get drunk, gamble all your money, try to get laid, fight somebody, write about it.

I'm McLovin' it!

Hilarious update. Keep writing!

***** I woke upin convulsions. Convulsions. I couldn't breathe. I was flopping all around on the floor like a fish out of water. The old lady came upstairs. Are you okay? No baby, I am not okay.

I'm in love with this little blonde hottie. ****ing in love. What a terrible thing. What a monster. If she would just sit on my face, maybe, I could make sense of this mess. But, she doesn't want to sit on my face. At least, not yet. She's busy figuring out who's face she wants to sit on. And I'm left here waiting.

Waiting for pussy. Wow.

Played 1/2 tonight with a Vietnam veteran. He survived that and then starting programming. Been a computer programmer sense. Playing 1/2 making horrible moves. Sweating top pair in a 1/2 game after surviving Vietnam.

I just don't get it. But, I think it's amazing.

Superdrunk now but I think I'm going to just meet people and tell there story.

I think that's what I'm going to do.

Two AM here in Las Vegas.The sky is dead still. Some old man is spilling his retirement away at 1/2 and I'm dreaming of a cocktail waitress sitting on my face. The tree's refuse to move with no wind.

Up, up to the sky.

Sun is coming up. Never a good sign. Stumbling home drunk past some fat girl walking her doberman. Dog is tripping, barking. I have to stumble through that mess. She's trying to calm her dog down.

I was banging this cocktail waitress. She had a boyfriend. For whatever reason, he wasn't giving it up. I stepped in. We were hanging after work. Just the two of us at a local bar. Her drug dealer walks in. Her boyfriends drug dealer. I knew him too. He was a regular of mine.

It's his birthday. He wants to party and do shots. He keeps asking questions. What are you to doing here?
We're just hanging out after work. I've told this story before.

The problem withguyswho get no pussy.They want to squash your life. Beyond cock blocking. They want to see you fail.

He slipped me amickey. I still banged the girl but wound up with a dui. I crashed my **** into a median divider. 3 days in jail.

Waking up looking at the cinder block walls...

That pussy was so good though. Everybody standing in my way and I still got there.

She doesn't talk to me anymore. I still see her drug dealer buddy around town. He asks me, what ever happened with your DUI? I'm fine.

When she first kissed me I told her, "Wow, girl your lips taste like sugar."

Just blew through this entire thread. Fantastic!

Only one question for you OP: How old were you when you caught teh herp?

bros no herp. no std wow. stds just a myth perpetuated by beta males trying to keep me from getting all that pussy.

i love hotdogging. Love titty ****ing. Love making out while getting handjobs. Relatively safe sex,

I really just like jacking off to hot girls but you have to keep them involved some how. Married chicks love the idea of you jacking off to them. Old man has lost interest, you think she's still hot... easy handjob without her really cheating.

Married dudes, appreciate your woman or she will be jerking me off in the parking lot after work. Just saying.

My real problem is walking like I'm 20 feet tall while packing a small dick. I pull tons of ass and then they have to deal with my six inch. It takes a lot of energy/enthusiasm to overcome that.Tough to overcome that when you are drunk.

I eat a lot of pussy. I eat a lot of ass. I just make out with their pussy until they're going carzy. Then six inches feels okay.

bros you need to treat that pussy like fine Cabernet. Inhale that ****. Treat it like a glass of wine.Give up all control and lose it on her pussy. You have one chance for redemption.

Her butthole is a form of protein. Withoutthat youjust die.

gross.

sorry sweetie, you'll find your big strong man one day...

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=hotdogging&page=4

The act of resting your vagina on someone's nose whilst they are asleep or otherwise incapacitated - the female equivalent of tea bagging.

Amy passed out at my party so Nicola and Ruby took it in turns hot-dogging her


also

When you have a girl get on all fours, and you then put your penis on her neck. As she lifts her head up she'll create a "bun around your hotdog" and you proceed to **** her neck.

read this entire post in dwight's voice.

lol.

I get that comparison a lot.

I am dwight. Just a drunk version that gambles all his money and chases any split tail that will smile at me.

My favorite burns from bar patrons have been: you look like the blue eagle from the muppet show (super strong and obscure), and you remind me of fozzy bear (which actually hurt my feelings).

Totally soul crushing because I always loved boomerang fish guy.

Betagainst argues for the existence of god:

I'm 45. I hang with twenty somethings on the reg. This one. This blonde. What a thing. Everybody sees me spending time with her. Who's that? She's hot! IS THat your girl?

She won't **** me because I'm still married. She tells me she won't **** me because I'm married. Really, she dosen't want to **** me. She just hangs out because I'm a steady stream of hundreds to put into the machine. But because I keep feeding her money she kinda does want to **** me.

Eight hundred in the other day and her other sugar daddy shows up at the bar. I'm so drunk, I can't see. She's talking to me and I can't hear a word. Too drunk to ****. She turns away. Flips her hair at me and starts talking to her man.

I'm so gone. I can't walk. I can't talk... I'm all alone and all I can hope for is that I sober up before I spin off my last $800. Next spin... JACKPOT!

Now she spins around.

Suddenly, I'm the guy.

I'm the guy but too drunk to ****. Overcoming insurmountable odds only to wind up with whiskey dick.

There is no way this **** is not rigged. I get my hands on so much money. I hang out with such hot wet pussy. I wind up by myself drunk in my garage. Listening to the rolling stones facing a day of masturbation.

There are five hot women I could be getting a handjob from right now if I could only stay awake, if I could only gamble this last $1200 with...

but I'm so drunk, I lost my phone, and I need that money to pay the rent

so I'll just sit here and type these words and not get pussy and not have the best day of my life

because god is out there working against me. keeping me from getting what could be mine.

There is no god. My fear is the only thing holding me back.