Quote:
Originally Posted by applesauce123
I think we all know the answer to this.
You also make a strong point in the rest of your post. The natural tendency is for people to cast themselves in a more flattering light.
The options I was going for was to discuss how we would be co-parents which basically meant telling her my plans and listening to hers and coming to a civil agreement on how to proceed with our lives either separately or together. I also kept open the idea that we would work our sh** out.
I didn't lobby for abortion. I don't agree with it for the most part but whatever.
As far as casting myself in a favorable light, I shared this with you accurately as it happened and I'm honestly not withholding any less flattering information. It is what it is. The fact that I am where I am is a complete mind **** to me considering that I tried my hardest to be civil and be transparent with her and her family. Those close to me know this and agree that this situation has spiraled out of control and the legal system isn't helping the matter and allowing the gal to call the shots at my expense while she gets to be the "victim."
I do have a pretty colorful past however. I was a drug addict for about 4 years and lost a semi-professional hockey career due to getting addicted to pain pills after a shoulder surgery when I was 16. I played and used for about 2 seasons before blowing out and getting kicked off my hockey team and ending up homeless and eventually going to rehab for 4 months. When I got out I relapsed a month later and used and was borderline homeless until August 2014. I've been sober since from hard drugs and pot. Alcohol was never an issue and I have had some drink here and there, I know many addiction counselors would condemn me for this but whatever.
I have also sought to kill the root cause of why I used to begin with. Addiction runs in my biological family (I was adopted at 3 years old.) Which I believe that I have done. There are many factors as to why I used and what I was running from initially when I decided to start self medicating back in my teen years.
I did wrestle heavily with anxiety and depression for well, as long as I can remember. But after changing to a gluten free diet I haven't wrestled with any of that since changing my diet. However many family and friends and even my ex would attest to wondering if I was mentally ill due to the level of anxiety and depression I wrestled with. Poker was my only saving grace during those times... Both the depression/anxiety and previous substance abuse was shared with my ex and her family during the formative moments of our relationship and was well received and they commended me about how far I have come if you know what I mean... But as you know when shizz hit the fan my past was spun against me and harped on among themselves and who knows what else. THAT FREAKIN HURT.
I still get grief from certain people in my life for the poker route. They think since I was an addict that for some reason I'm also some raging degen that cannot be successful as a poker player and find a way to spin my career into some evil thing. I've heard it all. Which leads to my next point...
Today my best friend returned home from 6 months in rehab. This is his fourth time going to a program for alcoholism. We met in our local church here in Colorado back when I was 16. He was interning for the church we went too and worked for a rehab program he went through called 180 Ministries Teen Challenge of the Rocky mountains. The night we met was when he gave his testimony and I pulled him aside at the end of the service and spoke to him about my addiction and deep down I knew one day I would be going to that program. Eventually I did, and he was still working there when I went to rehab and we became close friends ever since. He spent 3.5 years in rehab and 2 working for one and still ended up going back. Even after getting his MBA and getting a $250K job crushing it for an investment firm as the CFO.
Today he lit me up about my choices to play poker. He quoted the bible and told me how selfish I was for not choosing Gods will for me, and told me that I am selling my soul to the devil to play cards. He gave me every trick in the book to convince me that I am still this raging addict that can't handle life. He attacked my skill set and profession. THIS IS MY BEST FRIEND, who knows me and knows the content of my character. It hurt man... He was extremely supportive in the past.
The thing is I know what I'm made of, it's not much but its enough to do what I need to do. For once I need to trust in my abilities in spite of what other people say and carry on as best as I can. This my career, like it or not and I understand it comes with a stigma. I know my past comes with a stigma. The conjunction of my profession and my past creates an additional level of stigma and concern. And this situation with my ex compounds all of the above...
I'll do what I can to carve out the best financial future I can for this child and one day, when the time comes, I'll be a present father, the best father I can be. I'll be a presence in the child's life for the better and I'll mold their character to be useful to society and to operate with integrity with a soft, feeling conscience. I'll see to it that they bi-pass the mistakes I've made and shield them from the pain I've endured, self inflicted and otherwise.
In the mean time, I have to work my *** off. I have to be mindful to discern adequate and proper correction and rebukes from those around me and see it as beneficial in my maturity. I also have to dodge certain arrows, meant to harm the demeanor of my spirit, though they cloaked to appear to be for my benefit...
I'll be ok...