I went to Vegas back in early March and wrote a trip report when I got back, but never posted it. The trip came up in conversation, which reminded me that I needed to make this post. I’m good friends with 2+2 posters _2000Flushes(2KF) and ArchAngel71857(AA). It was their idea to hit Vegas and another one of our friends came along. There was some Nascar race this weekend and I saw my fair share of mullets and Nascar jackets. Hell, if I wanted to see that, I could have just stayed in Tennessee.

AA is coming from up north and meeting us there, but 2kf and me are on the same flight. We sit next to a Nascar guy who happens to be pretty cool. He’s on the flight with a couple of his rowdy friends and by the end of the flight, they’re chanting ‘Chicken Ranch!’ and talking [censored] to other Nascar fans. I’m assuming Chicken Ranch is a strip club or whore house or something. I didn’t push the issue at the time.

So, we arrive in Vegas around 10:30 and meet up with AA who has already gotten the car. To my surprise, it’s a ...dodge intrepid. Why do we have such a shitty car you ask? Because you have to be 25 to get the Jaguar that AA rented. Lucky for us, we got to pimp out in the dodge intrepid the entire weekend.

We roll up to the Bellagio and unpack our bags. While upacking the bags, 2kf gives me one of my favorite gifts ever: A mesh hat with a headshot of Mason on it. I made some joking post about it a long time ago and he remembered and made one for me online. He's just that kind of guy. Needless to say, we're great friends.

First thing we hit is the poker room and I sit at a 15-30 game with 2kf. I was in Vegas about 18 months ago and it’s amazing how much the traffic has grown in that room. They definitely need to make some expansions. The first night was pretty uneventful. The only interesting point was the discussion started by the hat. Some Vegas regular made a comment about it and asked if he could buy it for $15. I laughed. Then someone else at the table said ‘isn’t that Mason Malmuth?’ and a total fish chimes in with ‘who’s that? Phil Helmuth’s dad?’ That put the table in an uproar. The Vegas regular eventually offered me up to $50 for it, but I declined.

I lost about $150 at 15-30 and joined AA about 2 hours later and played some 8-16. Ended up losing about $300 more and we hit the sack about 5:30 in the morning.

We get up on Fri. at about 10 and head straight back down to the poker room. This time, AA joins me at 15-30. He’s never played anything higher than 5-10 but I was confident he could beat the game, despite the fact I was sitting there. We played for about 2 hours before lunch and I hit a GREAT run of hands. I lost one showdown and a total of 2 flops that I saw. I walked away after 2 hours up $900 at the table and about $500 for the trip.

After lunch, we decided it was time to start pounding. All 4 of us sat at 8-16 and turned it into a bar. You know it’s bad when 2kf says ‘how many drinks can I order at a time? As many as I want? OK, I’ll have 3 long island iced tea’s’. I can’t really remember how I did at 8-16, but it was around even. We ate dinner at Ceasar’s Palace and the drinks kept coming. We came back to the hotel around 10 and I felt like [censored]. I hit the sack and didn’t wake up until 5AM. Needless to say, this didn’t make the other guys too happy and they made hourly trips up to the room to [censored] with me. I wasn’t passed out mind you, just dehydrated and tired.

So I hear all these stories about how 2kf went crazy at the 4-8 table while I was asleep. I was rather pissed that I missed it, and he assured me that the same thing was coming the next night.

Saturday night rolls around and we ate at the Mirage. The real reason we ate there is so we could play 3-6. We all sat at the same 3-6 table and it was the craziest/funniest thing I’ve ever seen. 2kf turned the 3-6 table into the best and most profitable room in the house. First hand he sits in with $30(the minimum) and claims ‘Next hand, I’m raising no matter what’. He follows up by playing the hand blind through the river, raising at every opportunity. He tables 2 9 for nine high and goes to reload. The table is laughing hysterically. He buys in for the minimum a few more times, losing it on the first hand each time until the snide old man makes a comment. He then goes up to the counter and cashes in for about $2000 in reds and it was on. The tone is set and it continues for the next 3 hours. He played 95% of the hands he was dealt, and most times played it blind. On top of that, when he would win a pot, he would do crazy [censored] like say ‘man, I’m really sorry bout that, here you go’ and would toss the guy $10. One time, a dealer sat down, and said ‘Hi everyone’, 2kf says ‘Good Job’ and tosses him a $5 chip. Everyone at the table starts cracking up, and the dealer puts his head down, trying to control his laughter. Another time, 2kf wins a huge pot and after the hand, passes $3 to everyone at the table so that everyone would have a free ride to see the next flop. Not wanting to be outdone, other players at the table started getting in on the action. Two asian guys decide they’re going to play THEIR hands blind till the river, raising at every opportunity. Needless to say, I’ve never laughed more at a poker table and probably never will. I think he ended up close to even at the table, but the entertainment value was priceless.

A fun highlight on the night was when we managed to soften up this 70 yr old hag who was determined put a halt to any and all fun at the table. She had a wonderful scowl and was not afraid to use it. The first 15 minutes were a little uncomfortable, but she finally came around and eventually started getting in on the shenanigans! At the table next to us, there were these 2 girls, both very hot, wearing purple shirts. 2KF started devising a plan on how we could get 'purple shirts' to come to our table. He made a few comments over the humm of the cardroom that could easily be heard by the table next to us, but they weren't responding much. 2KF decided to write a note on a cocktial napkin and was going to give it to them. 2KF will have to follow up with the contents of the note, because I can't really remember. Old hag decided to get in on the action and volunteered to take the note to them! The note didn't woo them, nor did the boisterous offer of 'I'll give 2 purple chips for 2 purple shirts!' that was said by 2KF for the surrounding tables to hear.


In the midst of all this, I met up with ClarkNasty, and Bob S. at the Mirage, but that was just over a beer. Clark had to cut it short because of a date with his girlfriend and Dynasty had a date with good old Rosie, I think(j/k). While their personalities were pretty polar, I enjoyed talking to both. I actually spent more time with Dynasty because we were waiting for Clarkmeister to finish his time charge. He saw some of the action that was going on at the 3-6 table and made a few comments about 'Is he(2KF) really passing his money around the table?' Yes, yes he was.


I was supposed to leave Sunday, but we were having too much fun and I got it worked out to go home on a Monday flight. We were extending our room at the front desk and the lady tells us that we can upgrade to a penthouse for an extra $150. We jump on that and move from floor 5 to 29. This room was so freakin nice it was crazy. Wetbar, bigscreen TV with sound system, living room, hot tub, steam room, all kinds of things that we used to our advantage that night.

We decided to see what the sun looked like and spent a few hours by the pool. 2 hours later, we had a $200+ tab and a few new lady friends who were sun-bathing behind us. The sun was setting and we were starving, so we made arrangments to meet up with the ladies later that night(in the PENTHOUSE!) and we got some dinner.

After dinner, 2kf and my other friend decided to go on a mission to pick up some non-whores. They succeeded and in no time, we had a nice little party with about 20 people in the penthouse. I don't remember much about that night, but I do remember some people ordering fruit plates at 4 am and the whip cream fight that followed. We partied until about 8 AM and everyone that was single hooked up. It was a great night of debauchery that finished off the trip perfectly. I caught my plane back to the east coast and none other than the ‘chicken ranch’ guys were on the same damn flight back. What are the odds?

Well, that’s my Vegas story. I’m probably leaving some stuff out, but if you remember everything, you didn’t have enough fun.



Cup

My co worker now thinks I'm crazy. I was laughing for over 5 minutes. Great post, and thanks for sharing.

that is AWESOME

Best trip report ever.

+ not folksy at all.

Take notes people.

You are right. ClarkNasty and DynoMeister are vastly superior to our respective current handles.

How could you not post this earlier?!?!?

This is one of the best reports I've ever read.

Notes and Comments:

1. It's about time you posted this.

2. It was not a dodge intrepid. I tried to rent the car from Hertz, who wouldn't let me, despite 2kf's assurances. When I couldn't, I went next door to Sav-Mor car rental (I spelled it right) and got a Ford Taurus. It didn't remain a Ford Taurus for long, because it was since dubbed the Ford Clitoris, and I swear to God it was pink. So we pimped out the whole time in a Ford Clitoris.

2. Cup forgot the most important part of the story. During the second afternoon, as Cup and I are sitting at the softest 8-16 table in the planet, we are waiting for 2kf. I spot him from across the room. He is about 6'2. 215 lbs. He is wearing a small size green t-shirt that says Kiss Me I'm Irish. He has on "shorts." I put the quotes because I have boxers that are longer. They are yellow with red flames on the bottom, and say "Hottie, Las Vegas" on the ass. He has not cut his hair in 9 months. And has it slicked back excpet the very bottom (kind of a make do mullet. props to nascar fans. the mullet style would closely resemble Fluffy Feather if that means anything to anybody). He has on these sunglasses that are about half the size of his head. I don't know how else to describe them except to say its something I expect that guy Ali G to wear or whatever. Finally, he is wearing golf shoes. So 2kf comes over to us and wants to sit at our table. The only problem is that they are breaking our table up to make room for the tourney about to start, and won't accept new players. So when 2kf starts to sit down the dealer explains "well, you shouldn't, but does anyone have a problem with it?" One jack off guy who took his inspiration for life from Thomas Spakowski says "Yeah, I have a problem with it." and then proceeds to expalin to the dealer who this would skip him ahead of the two people on the 8/16 waiting list (I HAVE PEOPLE SKILLS!). So 2kf walks off and says "Well don't take it personally." Which Spakowski did and said "Well, I do."
The christopher walken impersonator just laughed and said under his breath "Whoa, too crazy."

C. This time, AA joins me at 15-30. He’s never played anything higher than 5-10 but I was confident he could beat the game, despite the fact I was sitting there.

Har har. ass.

D. During the time when Cup was "dehydrated" and "tired and "a tweleve year old girl (ooo, look she's going to be a woman soon. Here's something for you, Cup, your very own training bra. do you like it? does it feel nice on your newly developed bosom?)," 2kf brought back his costume to the 4-8 table. This is where he developed his tricks that were in effect on saturday night. I really just remember laughing a lot, drinking, talking with dealers about where they were from, because it seemed I used to live near everyone the bellagio hired, and running back up to the room to [censored] with cup, which happened about every hour.

Next. We had decided we wanted to play golf, so we found a course way out and set a tee time sunday morning for 9 AM. when we got back from the mirage at 4 AM, we called the pro shop and left the message "Hi Debbie, we can't make our tee time. something came up." I think we still got charged.

8,;. The old hag was named permafrown. She responded to this name. Second, the hardest the table laughed was when two girls asked Cup and I what 2kf did for a living. Our response: "professional poker player." Other highlights include Cup and I's locker room fun at the dealer yelling "My box is empty," having the entire table chant 2kf's name when he delivered the note to Purple Shirt, ordering my ninth or tenth amstel light, having a bet on how many urinals were in the men's room (which Cup and I somehow miscounted), and finishing up $350.

9. Sunday was fun as we met Nicole and NiTanya by the pool and as we all put suntan lotion on each other's backs in the worst congo line the bellagio has ever seen. Coming back from dinner, the highlight of the trip happened. After repeatedly putting up with the pointless bellagio security checkpoint, I utter "I wish we had tied 2kf up and put him in the trunk." Next thing I hear is the back door slam, and see him climb into the trunk and close it. Needless to say, the security guard about [censored] his pants. we recieved a good kindergarten scowling and were told "you won't think its funny when you turn around and leave." so we proceeded to park and go into the casino.

That's all I can really add. Also the fact that I kept grabbing as many porn fliers as I could find and handing them to Cup, 2kf, and our friend. Mostly our friend. Who kept taking them every time.

-AA

P.S. One string of events I do remember: Sat night. We leave the Bellagio, but not before 2kf can make a stop at casino war. He drops a 100 bill and wants one 100 chip. He gets an explanation of how it is played and wants to hear the dealer say "I've got black action." Which she does. He gets dealt a 5. Dealer 4. He picks it up, tosses her a 5 dollar bill and we go to the Mirage. Leaving the Mirage, he stops by the blackjack table. Gets an explanation on how its played and drops the black Bellagio chip down. After getting IDed only on the condition the dealer would say "I've got black action," he hits a 20 and the dealer busts. Word. Walking back into the Bellagio, he makes a stop at casino war. Stubbornly, the dealer refuses to say "I've got black action," and when 2kf wins by hitting a K to her 3, he throws her one dollar and says "it would have been more if you had said 'I've got black action.'" On to the poker room. He sits at the 200 NL limit table and pulls his usual "Next hand I'm going all-in no matter what." He gets AK and beats some idiot who talked [censored] and called with T9s. He picks up all 390 dollars worth of chips and starts walking around. He sits back down later and the pit boss explains that he has to buy in for all 400 dollars, to which 2kf does not care. "Next hand I am going all in." A guy with 350 calls. 2kf: AJ with the Jack of spades. Other guy: AK, both red. Final board: four spades. Yoink, and we go to bed.

Coming back from dinner, the highlight of the trip happened. After repeatedly putting up with the pointless bellagio security checkpoint, I utter "I wish we had tied 2kf up and put him in the trunk." Next thing I hear is the back door slam, and see him climb into the trunk and close it. Needless to say, the security guard about [censored] his pants. we recieved a good kindergarten scowling and were told "you won't think its funny when you turn around and leave." so we proceeded to park and go into the casino.

Hahahaha! I wanted to do this for so long. Duct tape someone up, ball gag in mouth, and put him in the trunk. Then when they open the trunk, he jumps out and runs off. That's FANTASTIC...

I am glad I am continually reffered to as the other friend but seeing as how no one knows me I guess that is appropriate. I wish I could fill in some more of the details, but 2FK and I were head to head in terms of who was the drunkest throughout the trip, however I think there was an Amber, a hot tub, 2FK naked, and I do believe the note said something along the lines of... Will you go out with me? with two boxes titled yes and no.

nice trip report.....
how did you get the upgrade.....

the trunk story brings back a funny story of mine.
Coming back from a game at fordham University my friend piss drunk jumped out of the back seat of my car when i stopped at a red light and ran to this statue of the virgin Mary. He starts humping it and yelling out "IM THE KING OF SPADES" well he got back in to the back seat but of a cop car not mine cause right behind me at the light was the good old NYPD.

This is gold! Seriously, I haven't laughed harder at anything on this website. Absolute gold.

however I think there was an Amber
I thought it was Ariel?

I forgot about that part. I just remember you walking in with two girls who I swear were strippers and hearing you say "Ok, they want a fruit basket and whip cream. A LOT of whip cream."

turns out they were just hungry?


-AA

He starts humping it and yelling out "IM THE KING OF SPADES"

That is awesome.

-AA

I CAN'T believe I forgot to write about the trunk incident. That was awesome. I love how the victim of that prank told us to leave while the other guard laughed while waiving us through.

My bad on the Ford Clitoris. There's no excuse for that kind of error.

2KF's alter-ego, Mick was actually really popular outside of the cardroom. The last night were were there, the girls practically forced Mick to make an appearance. They were not disappointed when he busted a move and polished it off with a backflip, that he landed perfectly, while completely hammered.

Our response: "professional poker player."


hahahahaha. I forgot about that! oh man, the collective facial response was 'you've got to be f---ing kidding me

Awesome trip report. You guys know how to do Vegas. I'm so glad to read another report that features real Vegas fun like bringing strippers back to the room and plopping down black on Casino War. Few here like to admit it, but that rules.

Penthouse at the Bellagio? Wow. That is pimp, as the kids would say.

OK. You guys are partying w/ me in Vegas. Lemme know when you want to go back.

The footnotes are as good as the report! Great job, guys.

This is a ridiculously well written report. I emailed it to a few non poker playing friends.

Sorry, to take so long to reply. It's about 5:30 pm, and I just got up for the day.

Ahhh, yes. The Ford cliTaurus. We partied like rock stars, and that PoS was our vaginal chariot.

For the record, we started pounding as soon as the captain turned off the seatbelt sign. The whorehouse-bound NASCAR fan next to us was ready to get hammered like he was ... I don't know ... on his way to a NASCAR race in Vegas. The drinking continued and escalated until the end of the trip. The unnamed friend and I stocked the penthouse with every kind of alcohol we could find, way more than I thought we could ever drink by the next day. Wrong. One of the last things I remember about that night is walking from game to game at the Bellagio while double fisting bottles of cabernet.

One night, Cup and AA were passed out in the bedroom, so friend-not-worthy-of-a-name and I decided to order strippers off the Internet to wake them up. We were both pretty inexperienced at ordering strippers off the Internet to wake up our slumbering, prepubescent friends, so we were elated to see that you could order specific girls based on their picture and profile. Yeah, right. I'll chalk my naivity up to drunkeness and our no-named friend's to idiocy. When the strippers turned out to be compeletely different girls, we sent them walking. Shortly after that, we began to regret sending them away on principle (they were still hot). So we decided, "Let's just find some whores. Surely they'll strip for money." Again, inexperience kicked in. What exactly is the protocol in this area? Do you just walk up to a girl and say, "So, you working?" Luckily, the whores found us. This really freaked me out because I knew one of the whores from back home. I never have figured out what to make of it. Either this girl had gone pro or she and a friend decided to pull a great practical joke when they spotted me in Vegas. Regardless, they pulled a bait-and-switch on the price, and I told them to forget it. Again I backed out of the deal based on principle. Did I really expect the stipping/streetwalking industries to hold such high regard for ethics? Bah.

He whose name I will not mention (or that no one can remember) still found a girl who was willing to render her services for free. At one point, he came out into the living room in a towel and said, "I just want everyone to know that I'm in the hot tub back there with a hot girl. I just wanted that to be on the record." I took that as full license to wait five minutes, strip naked, and jump canonball-style into the Jacuzzi with them. Unnamed friend was not happy, but I know she liked it. Also, the bubbles were a nice complement to my artful tuck-under.

The Bellagio certainly made a great deal of money off of us, but I imagine that we minimized their profits. We tore that penthouse to shreds. There's no way to make this sound like we weren't starring in a gay porn, so I'll just say it. There was a lotion fight. (That last line should be read with the same intonation that Willem Defoe manages in Boondock Saints.) It got all over this furniture that I'm sure was imported from some medeival French chateau. Things were smashed against the walls from beer bottles to large china bowls of whipped cream. I can't be sure, but did we roast a goat in there?

The girl who upgraded us to the penthouse was pretty hot. Her name was Nina. I took the liberty of calling her from one of the bathrooms for instructions on using the bidet.

On to the poker. I honestly don't remember that much of it. Permafrown may have been my favorite example of how much fun we had. This old lady had such a reputation that the dealer heralded her arrival with, "Oh, great. This woman is such a grouch. I don't think I've ever seen her smile." The first hand she played, she griped about some random rule that the floorman dismissed out of hand. After two orbits, however, she was playing hands blind to the river. She was the one who delivered that note to the girls in the purple shirts. She was even taunting Cup, saying, "He bets like a girl," in her thick German accent.

The note, as I recall, read something along the lines of:

Dear Purple Shirt(s),

I love you. Will you go out with me?

(check one) YES no



If you want to loosen up a table, just pay everyone's blinds for the next hand. I've never seen a ten-way pot before.

The great thing about Mick was that he could be summoned wherever there was a phonebooth or revolving door. I've seen pictures of him, and we in no way resemble each other. So it surprised me quite a bit when I was allowed to sit back down (post-transmogrification) and continue playing as Mick. I actually talked to a girl I met there after returning from Vegas. She was remarkably indifferent to hear from me, but said, "Anytime Mick wants to make an appearance in North Carolina, we'd love to have him."

I'm not going to lie. I'm still jealous that Cup and AA got to go shoot the [censored] with Clarknasty and Dynomeister while I was having security cameras diverted to table 13.

The only people at the Mirage who didn't like us were the guys in the cage. I bought thirty $1 chips three or four different times, and then requested ten racks of blue. He started to pull out reds, and I said, "No, I want ten racks of blue." He said they didn't have that many blue chips to give me. (BS. You're the freaking Mirage. How do you run out of $1 chips?) The line was starting to grow behind me, so I said, "Alright, just give me four $500 chips." This was even worse for them because it ended up causing the dealers to have to ask for a fill every ten minutes. Especially after Cup waited a few orbits to go to the cage and say, "I'd like four $500 chips for the 3/6 game." They hated us, and we them.

Debbie didn't give a flying rat's ass. I wasn't surprised to see that $520 on my Visa statement.

All in all, each night seemed like we partied to our fullest. But each night was outdone by the next. I intend to continue this trend whenever in Vegas.

-2kF

best trip report ever.

The first hand she played, she griped about some random rule that the floorman dismissed out of hand

you kept muttering with your friend's something about "pocket rats". i thought this was collusion and if nothing else broke the engish only rule. that is why i complained. i would not call this a random violation.

awesome awesome stuff!!



"I took the liberty of calling her from one of the bathrooms for instructions on using the bidet."

this killed me. that is f--in' great!!



"I saw my fair share of mullets and Nascar jackets. Hell, if I wanted to see that, I could have just stayed in Tennessee."


i hear that!!

Thats my kinda guy, raising the havanabanana all the way!
Also telling the table that you will raise in the blind says a lot. Can't be too uptight if you do that

Great report guys, hope to meet you there sometime.

ToT

And no one has ever seen the two together in the same room....interesting.

I'm still a little in awe of this trip report frankly. Just un-freaking-believeable across the board.

2kf's posts on this site always crack me up, so I'm not surprised in the least that this trip report was so eventful.

And Cup, why the hell would you wait to post this? Share with the rest of the class earlier next time!

I completely forgot about that. After peeing for a good 5 minutes, I counted the urinals. When back at the table, I blathered, "I'll give $20 to the person who comes closest to guessing the number of urinals in the men's room. And $100 if anyone guesses it exactly." I think it was 33, and a girl at the table guessed it. (I suppose it would require someone who never goes into men's rooms to guess an absurd number like 33. Do all women think there are so many urinals in men's rooms?) After two trips, Cup and AA couldn't even count them exactly.

We had another friend there too, but no one knows his name.

-2kF

Also telling the table that you will raise in the blind says a lot. Can't be too uptight if you do that

Not raising the hand in the blind.

raising the hand blind. as in he didn't look at the cards.

as in neither did 4 other people at the table.

2kf rivered a straight to beat a flopped set of 9's.

it was just like party.

-AA