Part2
Account empty... Again
Im thinking I wont lose, this is going to work, I have to play this back up. In a deep hole now.. I move down to 109$, but it's the same story there. Has to be the karma for joining the 310$ table. And finally the account is empty. wp. I walk away feeling miserable..Don't know where to go.. Punching the walls.. Never been so tilted. I calm down a little bit, feel nauseous. I convert the partypoints that I have collected, which my friend will receive for letting me play on his account... Usually not worth much. But I had been playing so long that it at least ammounted to 300$, a chance to get it back up.. I moved down in stakes again.. Now 55$, 33$ and finally 22$ 10 player speed, which was one of my best games at the time.. I had played insanely many 215$ etc. Always felt at home there and has gone well for me.. I think to myself that i have to fight this back up now! Can't lose grip of this... The account is just shrinking and shrinking... Every suckout I lose to feels worse than a 5k$ pot when I had money. I bubble the next one, punch the wall, walk away feeling miserable, walk back to the computer, two 22$ left. I'm starting to realize ,but won't quit, I so badly want to get this money up. Same thing happens. EMPTIED THE ACCOUNT again!!??
Feeling sick
It's just past 7 in the morning and I lay down in my bed, I've never felt so bad in my entire life...And I have a meeting regarding my absence from school in two hours, 13:00 actually. Thanks needed that! The rigg spits me in the face.. I go there, blahblahblah. Walk back home and go back to bed.. I go back to school again, I had promised to attend everything to keep the student grant, student grant- big income needed in order to get by.. When I get there I find out the class is cancelled, nice! Sweet to go here for nothing too, the rigg strikes again, sure it's nice in a way but still. I go back home again to try and get a quick nap,it's also too cold outside, but I feel worse hearing someone say 'icecold 'in a sentence since I relate it to poker.I get back home and quickly fall asleep. The alarm wakes me and forces me to go up for the third time in 4 hours, I feel ashamed when I meet my friend in school and tell him everything, I feel like a degenerate loser!
I had some money that my parents had for rents etc... That's the reason I could risk to lose everything. I have to make a phonecall home , not fun I think to myself.. They will spazz out, hopefully it will be quick... Dad flips, mom is calmer.. I talk to mom otherwise it doesn't work. I hear dad swearing in the background. I lost the money, sure it's insane etc. lost all that money that I've had, played on a friends account where i couldn't lose it all, I know that. But my anxiety is enough, and my self-esteem is hardly improving, sure of course I deserve it but I feel so bad and if at any point in my life I would have considered suicide I can assure you it would have been now, but it was never THAT bad. I just want the money so that I can pay, not have to sit and listen to nagging, I don't want to come back home again either.. I had lent money for part of a car etc.. We had agreed 5.500 sek a month for rent, food etc. would suffice.. You can't just come and talk this way, nono.. At least the money issue got resolved in the end. Somehow...
Get a job?
When my parents found everything out they wanted me to move back home with them, like how would I pay the rent etc. I said that's the last thing I wanted to do, said I'd get a job etc. I had a girlfriend at the time, it would only make it more difficult to meet her since we already lived far apart. I told them i wouldn't play anymore... I had always thought I could make a living off of poker, but in the end I played lower like 55, even 33 and 22 and lost there, too. So then what do you do when you have worthless grades that arent enough to get into university? I had promised to get a job quick or I would move back home. Panic!! Have to get a job, cash.. Poker? No I can't even stand the thought of it.
Friday night, barely even money for the pub, wpwp.. But the only thing I could do was to try and drink and xxxxx my problems away.. But probably couldn't do that either, blacked out instead, nice to wake up the morning after..Days came and went, I was pondering the situation I had gotten myself into, anxiety once again, all the time.. But if I had decided long ago that I could live off of poker 100% guaranteed, so education wasn't needed.. Just for the social part. A few days later there seemed to be 3 options in total:
1.Move back home. Thereby quitting poker and try to get back on track in school
2.Get a job, no more poker
3.Poker
I needed money fast, otherwise I might as well just move back home right away, have to make up my mind.. Talked some with mom, not dad.. He had already told mom to call and terminate the apartment. Lucky that mom isn't as hard.. Mom gave me some time, understood my situation a little, waited with calling the owners.. Told me I had to get a job etc. get everything together, school... She repeated every time: no more poker..- No, no no no..
So from those three alternatives I chose.. Poker. I would give it one last chance. I had lost control over my life now. I knew it all too well. But now there was no return. I have to do it.