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Old 12-12-2009, 02:32 AM   #126
Neurotoxin
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

I gotta go with Gabe Kaplan's famous "2 and a half men" line when referring to David Benyamine and Tom Dwan.
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Old 12-12-2009, 02:50 AM   #127
Koshur
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

Quote:
Originally Posted by squints914 View Post
A jewish kid asks his father for 20 dollars.The old man says "TEN DOLLARS!WHAT DO U YOU NEED 5 DOLLARS FOR! " made me lol
loled.
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Old 12-12-2009, 10:29 AM   #128
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

totibani: TY
totibani: TY
totibani: TY
HERO: yw
totibani: HAVE A F GD NIHT MOTHER F
HERO: u2
Dealer: A new game will start in 15 seconds
HERO: have fun losing the money
HERO: oh, youre staying?
totibani: LOL
totibani: OK
totibani: WILLMAKEA DEAL
totibani: LETS PLAY FOR POKERPOINTS
totibani: ORE
totibani: LETHS MAKE A TEAM
totibani: YOU WANT
totibani: SERIOS
totibani: ?
HERO: a team?
totibani: YES
totibani: YOU AND ME
totibani: GO ON THE TEABLES
totibani: AND TAKE MANEY
totibani: THE F DO
totibani: ALL THE TIME
totibani: MAN
totibani: AND I CANT WIN ALL THE TIME
HERO: you mean we talk about our hands while we play?
totibani: YES
totibani: BUT ON TEABLE
totibani: WITH 6 PLAYERS
totibani: ON MASSENGER
totibani: ?
totibani: YES ORE NOT
totibani: YHEY DOALL THE F TIME
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Old 12-12-2009, 11:58 AM   #129
oopsIpooped
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

Well this was funny at the time...

I was playing 2/5 at foxwoods just dicking around as were most poeple at the table. There was this one kid though who had a FTP hat on, like beach volley wrap around sunglasses, a really loud striped shirt, and a a green celtics sweatband on one wrist... and he was taking the game very seriously, trying to read souls.

He raised in EP and got the normal 4 or 5 callers and announces "I check in the dark" like he was preemptively owning us all. Being the hilarious guy that I am I say "looks like you dress in the dark too." Everyone laughed and he gave me a death-stare.
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Old 12-12-2009, 01:34 PM   #130
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

Quote:
Originally Posted by oopsIpooped View Post
"I check in the dark" like he was preemptively owning us all. Being the hilarious guy that I am I say "looks like you dress in the dark too."
LoL XD
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Old 12-12-2009, 01:37 PM   #131
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

Quote:
Originally Posted by squints914 View Post
A jewish kid asks his father for 20 dollars.The old man says "TEN DOLLARS!WHAT DO U YOU NEED 5 DOLLARS FOR! " made me lol
golden!
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Old 12-12-2009, 03:53 PM   #132
Conz
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

that jew joke and the dress in the dark line are pretty solid, i laughed.
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Old 12-12-2009, 07:17 PM   #133
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

Some random donk calls my repop allin and flipped over 96o. I had AA and he obv sucked me out.

How the fcuk can you call preflop with that random shyte?

Welll, hmmff its 50/50. You win some and you lose some.

FU
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Old 12-12-2009, 08:31 PM   #134
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

Heard this the other day whilst playing at my home game;

Q. Why can't Stevie Wonder see his mates?

A. He's married
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Old 12-12-2009, 08:33 PM   #135
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

(in a tournament)
Hero - Raise

Villan - Re Raise all in

Hero , after a pause " ive got a pair..... but im racing against any cards... i fold"

Random person - .... "..... have you got pocket 2's?"

(now another incident)

Player x - Bet

Player Y - Re raise (on a ace high flop)

Player x pauses then folds, player Y shows an ace

Player x throws over ace 2

Player y replies.... " I had you beat"
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Old 12-12-2009, 08:49 PM   #136
undertheinfluence
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

2 of my favorites ive heard at the table over the years:

when somebody is running hot, ask them, "how does it taste?"

they'll usually get confused and look at you "huh? how does what taste?"

you: "satan's ****"

another time, one guy was humming along with a janet jackson song, when others at the table gave him a look like wtf you *** to which he announced "I'm gay and im proud, aren't you?" looking at one of the other players

Other player "I'm not proud"

Last edited by Kevmath; 12-13-2009 at 12:37 PM.
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Old 12-12-2009, 09:06 PM   #137
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

Umm i have a few....

sitting in my local 100nl game.. (Me to guy next to me)..."So you play online?"...Guy replies "yeah i play on facebook" haha i lol'ed

I know im losing but i call? that one baffles me everytime!

my friend dan everytime he gets re-raised in a cash game by a tight player "you cant just sit and wait for f**kin aces and kings all night" hes a bit of a poker brat!
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Old 12-12-2009, 09:26 PM   #138
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

what is it with women posting whay they SAID at a poker table and not what they heard? I think they think what they said is funny when it ususally isnt
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Old 12-12-2009, 10:04 PM   #139
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

Quote:
Originally Posted by SySteMChEck View Post
I know im losing but i call? that one baffles me everytime!
Also "I'm folding the best hand"
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Old 12-12-2009, 10:37 PM   #140
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

"I know I am folding the best hand" tilts me any day of the week when I hear it.

Also.. "I wnna gamble and will call with bottom pair draw", screws me over everytime they river the best hand
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Old 12-12-2009, 11:49 PM   #141
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

Quote:
Originally Posted by vdjens View Post
"I know I am folding the best hand" tilts me any day of the week when I hear it.
Usually they will just try to get a free peak at your cards... I say sometimes in order to induce my opponent into flashing what he had...
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Old 06-20-2020, 12:51 PM   #142
Mason Malmuth
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

Hi Everyone:

While not exactly a joke, many years ago in the 1980s a player (in California) explained to me in much detail how chips were made. I was told that they were made out of old cheese which would get hard and brittle. Then holes were punched in the cheese and the chips would then be painted appropriately.

Best wishes,
Mason
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Old 06-20-2020, 07:39 PM   #143
MountainsPLZ
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

3 handed to the turn with 2 women and an older man. Both women put in money, older man folds and says, "I cant handle 2 chicks at the same time!"
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Old 06-20-2020, 11:22 PM   #144
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

Back in the online hay day, I remember one guy was chat tilting all the time and was berating the players in very creative ways. He was losing and I was the one made him busto and then he turned his attention to me and said "I HOPE YOU EAT SHlT, FART ALL NIGHT AND DIE!!"
That was a quite entertaining session
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Old 06-21-2020, 12:22 AM   #145
MasterOfPoo8
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

friend of mine got drunk as he was winding down a session just left in the big 4.40 on pokerstars a few years back. so he started going hyper aggro to bust or win.

the best was winning with 102 off suit and he typed in all caps: "DALE BRANSAN FTW thats my boy!"

guys kept arguing with him and getting mad. and he kept just calmly stating "no this is DALE's hand. never heard of Doyle"

he also kept calling it poaker the rest of the tourney and made sure to keep commenting on himself being a "POWER POAKER PLAYAR"

actually went and shipped it.

Dale and Power Poaker still live in between my poker group
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Old 06-23-2020, 01:07 AM   #146
brandoh
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

Quote:
Originally Posted by JabbaWokeez View Post
Some random donk calls my repop allin and flipped over 96o. I had AA and he obv sucked me out.

How the fcuk can you call preflop with that random shyte?

Welll, hmmff its 50/50. You win some and you lose some.

FU
Well, 80/20.

To add to the thread, here's a true story about the inspiration for Joey Knish from Rounders.

Quote:
Perhaps Bagels’s greatest moment was this one. He was in a hand with an obnoxious card player in a yarmulke, Irving. Irving bluffed, Bagels raised (also bluffing). When Irving folded, Bagels showed the bluff.

Irving, acting all offended, said to Bagels, who was also Jewish, “How could you do that to one of your people?” As he was raking the pot, Bagels looked at him and said, “Your people? C’mon, Irv, you’re the only Jew I know who took Germany, plus the points!”

The place busted up and the story was told for days and days.

Last edited by brandoh; 06-23-2020 at 01:13 AM. Reason: adding to thread
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Old 06-23-2020, 06:31 AM   #147
Wilbury Twist
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

Wow, helluva thread bump.

"Hang on, I need to answer this." - some guy in a bulging Rounder Life baseball cap.

Okay, but seriously... this doesn't count as a joke, but I did witness a funny exchange while waiting for my seat at a Bay Area room a little while back.

A big pot had brewed between an older man and a young woman. On a board that was something like A-A-3-2-5 with a river completing a possible flush, a multi-way pot had pared down to the two of them.

The man checked, and the woman fired out a smallish bet.

The man had raised pre, and had barreled at least the turn (I didn't see the flop action). Plus, he was just a talker in general. He looked at her and said, "Oh come on, no pretty girl like you could possibly bluff there, right?" Then he put in a check-raise.

She quickly popped him right back with a river three-bet. Didn't even hesitate.

This definitely set him back, which got the rest of the table laughing at him. His general bravado had vanished. Everyone in the room knew he had an ace, including this 20-something woman, who had now insta-raised into him. It's also worth noting that this guy dressed like he had time-warped out of the 70s: an actual three-piece tan suit, tie and a fedora. It's as if he saw Fred Williamson in Black Caesar, appropriated the look, and was still sticking with it four decades later.

"No pretty girl bluffs... no way this pretty girl is bluffing." He kept saying some version of this over and over, while staring at the board. At one point, he showed his hand to his neighbor, again uttering that mantra.

Finally, this AARP version of Tommy Gibbs folded, while announcing to the room one more time, "I'm telling you, no pretty girl like her knows how to bluff there." He said it half in disgust and half with pride, like he was making a hero laydown no one else at the table was good enough to do. (We'll ignore for a moment the wisdom of raising trip aces for value in the first place.)

She just looked at him and said, "Yeah, well... I ain't no pretty girl." Then bam – she showed him jack high for total air. Everyone at and around the table went nuts.

And one of the funny parts of all of this is that she was pretty damn attractive. Kind of reminded me of less dolled-up version of Joy Bryant, who at the time was a regular on the show Parenthood. (This may or may not be the reason I was paying attention to her table.) And I'm still not sure if that was part of her metagame: attractive woman, trying her best to look unattractive, but knowing that her relative hotness would still come through. Then she could use it to her advantage.
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Old 06-23-2020, 07:24 AM   #148
Seven Deuce
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

don't know if this is funny or what but had to share it

about 10 years ago, at regular 2-4NL game im owning the table, winning lots.
in walks a Chinese guy called Dan. He only showed up and bought in for £1k on occasions, usually when winning on the horses etc.

He sits down (seat to the left of me), i get in a pot with him and stack off with a silly bluff and lose about 30% of my stack.

The table is quiet as they know what is coming ... the Chinese blaster for the rest of the session.
As he is raking the pot i look across at my friend whos an older guy and look at him calmly and say .. 'well that's the first chink in the armour tonight' ....

After 10 seconds i realised why the hell people were laughing like **** and trying to hide their faces in their hands.

I soon got it ! oops
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Old 06-23-2020, 08:53 AM   #149
PTLou
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

wilbury's story reminded me of this.

Years ago at PCA. Playing in a SNG.

Down to 4 handed ($1000 sng so we were all taking it seriously plus money bubble). all stacks about the same.

+45ish charming french woman 3-bet a dude all in on the turn (he had her covered). The second after saying "all in" ( i mean even before dealer put out the All In triangle) she turned to massage person next to table and asked for a 20 minute massage. Rest of us and a few people railing the game erupted in laughter. The way she said it, her timing, and the french accent were all so perfect.

She just sat there enjoying massage, seemingly uninterested in what the dude was going to do. Dude was lost and was not laughing , which made the whole thing even more funny. He tanked for a few minutes before folding.


sadly, she didnt show.
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Old 06-25-2020, 04:14 AM   #150
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

I read this awhile ago, always remember it. I obv wasn’t here for it so details are hazy, story was:

Table gets seated for the start of a tourney, everyone kind of nervous and not saying anything. Old grizzled vet is sitting next to a young nervous-looking kid, and while table is dead silent he looks at the kid and says, “Get your f*cking hand off my leg.”
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